"PAPA!!!!!"

Ansh jumped into Shivaay's wide open arms and Shivaay hugged him tight, slightly lifting him off his feet.

"Happy birthday Ansh." Shivaay wished as he set him down and kissed his forehead.

"Aise mat kijiye. Main bada ho gaya hoon." Ansh complained, scrunching his nose and puffing his cheeks, which Shivaay poked to deflate.

"Kitne bhi bade ho jaayo, main toh aise hi karoonga." Shivaay stated and RaaShi encouraged him with claps.

Shivaay hugged Shivani and got the kids settled in the car. On the way home, Ansh narrated his day in minute to minute detail and while Shivaay enjoyed every bit of it, the rest of KiddOs probably wished the traffic moved too slow.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANSH!" Oberois wished as Shivaay and the KiddOs entered. RiKara, RuVya and TejVi hugged Ansh followed by Shakti.

"Janmdin ki bahot bahot badhai beta! Kitne saal ke ho gaye?"

"11." Ansh replied and Shakti fake gasped.

"11?! Nahi nahi, mujhe acche se yaad hain, tum toh 5 saal ke ho." Shakti said, pressing his lips together when grandson scrunched his nose.

"Nahi Dadaji, main 11 year ka ho Gaya hoon." Ansh asserted.

"Arey! Mera heera grandsons keh raha hain woh 11 hain toh 11 hain!" Pinky chipped in as she hugged Ansh tight and pressed a kissed to his forehead. "Happy birthday Ansh. Mere bacche ko meri umar lag jaaye. Yeh le Mata Rani ka prasaad, bolo "Aaaa"!"

Pinky fed Ansh a spoonful of Halwa and passed it to Shivaay, Shivani and others next. Ansh took a long minute to eat the spoonful of Halwa, buzzed from the bustling activities of the last few minutes.

"You kids change and rest, phir cake cut karna hain aur dinner bhi." Jhanvi said.

"Kaunsa cake hain?" Ansh asked.

"Guess karo?" Tej challenged.

"Rainbow?" Ansh guessed excitedly.

"Yes!" Tej replied affirmatively, making Ansh jump in happiness. "Rainbow cake for the rainbow baby."

Tej's comment wasn't malicious, Om knew that, but his eyes darted towards Shivaay and he swore Shivaay's breath hitched. He noticed the faraway look the creeped into Shivaay's eyes when he thought no one was watching. The same look that creeped into his eyes every year on Ansh's birthday.

Just before the KiddOs went upstairs, Shivaay approached Ansh and asked, "Birthday Boy, what would like for your birthday dinner?"

Ansh thought for a minute before enthusiastically replying, "Pizza!"

"Coming right up."

Once the KiddOs went off to their rooms, Shivaay went to kitchen and Om followed him.

"Om, I could use a hand. Could you grate that cheese? I asked the staff to do it but they clearly forgot." Shivaay pointed to the equipment with a flour covered finger.

Om did as asked but after seeing Shivaay robotically work on the pizza dough, the silence got too loud for him to bear.

"You can talk, you know. You should talk." Om started and Shivaay looked at him blankly.

"Talk... about what?" Shivaay asked.

"About what happened outside, Jo... Jo Mr Oberoi ne kaha."

Shivaay jaw tightened but he continued kneading the dough harder. "What about that? Woh cake ki hi toh baat kar kar rahe the."

Om sighed keeping the bowl of grated cheese aside. "Shivaay, tu baat avoid kar sakta hain likin teri aankhon ke khaalipan ko jhuthla nahi sakta."

"Tu seedhe seedhe baateyaga?" Shivaay asked frustratedly.

Om know that Shivaay wasn't stupid. He knew exactly what Om was talking about. Shivansh. Shivaay barely spoke about him and changed topic if anyone else brought him up. Om was worried that burying these thoughts and feelings would suffocate his brother.

"Har saal, aaj ke din, tu kuch khoya khoya sa rehta hain. Kyoonki aaj Ansh ka birthday toh hain par saath hi Shivan-"

"Om," Shivaay sharply cut him with a heavy voice. "Can we focus on this pizza instead?"

Shivaay slapped on the sauce, cheese and toppings and threw the first pizza in the oven before staring on the next one.

Om sighed and stood beside Shivaay. "Shivaay please don't shut us out. We just want to help you. I can understand that-"

"You can understand?" Shivaay looked towards Om with a look that almost looked of disbelief and amusement. "YOU can understand?! You know, help me understand what do you understand."

Shivaay stepped closer to Om, one hand tightly gripping the counter as his eyes burned with anguish.

"Do you understand how it feels to board a flight thinking your wife and the baby she's carrying are fine only to land and find out they are not fine? Or do you understand what is like to see your wife after 1 week, sitting in a hospital looking distraught and miserable after receiving the worst news of her alone? Or watching her go through hours of agony knowing there's nothing you can do, nothing you say to comfort her? Hearing the deafening silence instead of strong cry? Saying hello and goodbye? Holding your child and having to let go?"

Any words he tried to form died in Om's throat. He had no reply to Shivaay's question, he could only dumbly look at him.

"You say that you can understand but don't and you never will. So unless you've held your dead child in your arms, DONT EVER TELL ME THAT YOU UNDERSTAND!" Shivaay screamed and left the kitchen, throwing the rolling pin off the counter. The clattering of utensil pulled Om's attention but he couldn't bend to pick it up. He couldn't move. He was frozen. It was Rudra who came in seconds later, tossed the rolling pin in the sink and handed Om a glass of chilled water.

"Breathe." Rudra reminded his brother who hurriedly gulped the water down.

"Kisi aur ne kuch dekha ya suna...?" Om worriedly asked.

"Fortunately sirf maine." Rudra confirmed.

Om nodded before sighing deeply and running his fingers through his hair. "I messed up."

"Royally." Rudra chided, earning a stunned look from Om but paying no heed to it. "Main tha us din bhaiya aur bhabhi ke saath hospital mein. Jo maine suna aur dekha usse main itna hil gaya tha ki Bhavya ki poori pregnancy mein main ek raat chain se nahi so paaya, likin main nahi samajh sakta ki bhaiya aur bhabhi pe kya beeti hogi. Hum mein se koi samajh nahi sakta hain. Haan, aap bhaiya ki help karna chahte hain and trust me, main bhi karna chahta hoon. Likin jahaan bhaiya ko humari help nahi chahiye, hum zabardasti toh nahi de sakte na."

"Rudy, main Shivaay ko hurt nahi karna chahta tha, mujhe bas chinta ho raha because he's closing things out, woh baat avoid kar raha even though use baat affect kar rahi hain." Om expressed.

Rudra gave a sympathetic smile. "O bhaiya ka jitna pain hume dikh raha hain is just the tip of the iceberg. It's running much, much, much deeper than Bhaiya ever lets on. Hum help karna chahte hain but if we open any wounds that we can't close, we'll cause him more harm than good."

Shivaay sat on the edge of his bed, chest heaving and heart hammering against his ribcage, memories racing in minds.

"Shiv...Shiva...aay, hum...mara bach..cha", Anika's screams and sobs, blood that soaked his arms and clothes, beeping and hissing of the hospital machines, the fragile and tiny body of his son in his arms, the deafening silence in the hospital, the shrill beep of the heart monitor, fingers slipping from his hands, his son being taken away, Anika being taken away...

"Come on Shivaay, come on. Focus." Shivaay murmured to himself, one hand over his chest and one clutching the bedsheet. "Focus on the present. Breathe. Breathe."

Shivaay forced himself to take slow, deep breaths. In through the nose, out through mouth. In through the nose, out through mouth. Touch the bedsheet. It's smooth, but harsh from the years of use. Taking one last deep breath and loosening his grip on the bedsheet, Shivaay felt his pulse and his thoughts no longer racing. He had grounded himself. But it wasn't enough. He needed something else. Something more...

Before his brain could catch-up with his fingers, he had dialled a contact on his phone.

The call connected and the receiver spoke, "Haan Shivaay?"

Shivaay didn't respond.

"Hello? Meri awaaz aa rahi hain?"

He could hear her. He didn't know what to say.

"Hello Shivaay? Kya hua? Sab theek hain na? Ansh... Ansh theek hain na?! Aur Shivani? Kuch hua toh nahi?"

"No no!" Shivaay quickly replied. "The kids are fine, kuch nahi hua."

He heard Anika's sigh through the phone, himself releasing the breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Aapne achaanak phone kiya toh main hairaan hi ho gayi. Kuch chahiye tha aapko?"

"Mujhe... mujhe woh..." He needed... "bas kehna tha ki..." He wanted... "ki Ansh aaj bahot cute lag raha tha, in his blue hoodie."

"Aapne use yeh kaha toh nahi na?"

Shivaay furrowed his brows. "Nahi kaha, par kyoon?"

"Kyoonki Ansh 11 years ka ho gaya hain, Shivaay. 11! 11 year olds are big boys. Big boys cute nahi hote, smart and cool hote hain." Anika whined in a pitchy voice, very characteristic of their son.

Shivaay laughed hard at that. "Thanks for the heads up."

There was silence for a moment before Shivaay gingerly asked, "Tum shaam ko cake cutting ke liye aaogi?"

"Main... main aa jaati likin main abhi Borivali mein hoon. Abhi nikli toh bhi... KYA?! 1.5 ghante lagega!"

"Oh right, flyover shaam ko band kar diya hain but for no good reason." Shivaay grumbled.

"Koi baat nahi, main Shivani ko bol doongi mujhe video call kar de ya video bhej de. Aur maine bachhon ko bola tha ki main kal 11 baje cake le ke FunZone pahonch jaaoongi likin main soch rahi hoon 10:30 baje hi chali jaaoon tayyaari dekhne ke liye."

"That's a good idea. In fact, main bhi sabko 10:30 baje bolta hoon. That way, with the full company, we'll reach at latest by 11:30."

Anika's laugh made him giggle as well.

"Theek hain phir kal milte hain. Bye."

"Bye." Shivaay hung up the call and leaned back on the bed.

Talking to the mother of his children put him more at ease than any other grounding technique that Dheeraj taught him did. And about Dheeraj, Shivaay would probably have to talk about him lashing out on Om in his next session. Thing is, Om was right. Shivaay did get lost in his thoughts on Ansh's birthday. Shivaay does bottle his feelings up. Shivaay does avoid talking about Shivansh, especially on their birthdays. Because while what happened with Shivansh devasted him, but incidents surrounding Ansh's birth haunted him till date.

12 years ago
Oberoi Mansion

Shivaay, Rudra and Bhavya returned home from work, the brothers picking up Bhavya on the way.

"Kaun aaya? Kaun aaya? Mummy-Papa aaye!" Gauri animatedly announced holding baby Rubina as toddlers Raahil and Shivani followed her. Shivaay scooped his daughter in his arms and hugged her tight while RuVya fought over who got to hold their daughter first. Shivaay noticed Gauri looking after three kids by herself.

"Gauri, Anika kahaan hain?" Shivaay asked.

"Bade bhaiya woh dono bacchon ko school se laane ke baad Jiji ki tabyat kuch theek nahi lag rahi thi. Hum aur Chhoti Maaji bacchon ka dhyaan rakh rahe the taaki Jiji araam kar sake." Gauri informed him. Anika was sick? Why didn't she tell him? She seemed fine in the morning. Or was she not fine and he didn't notice?

Shivaay set Shivani down and looked towards Gauri imploringly, "Will you..."

Gauri nodded with a smile and took Shivani's hand in one hand and Raahil's in the other. "Chalo bachhon, channa chaat khaayenge . Aur gaane gayenge; ek chirayyiya~, anek chirayyiya~, daana~ chugne baith~ gayi thi, tiding tiding tiding tiding!"

Shivaay looked towards Gauri with pure adoration. She looked after the three kids with such joy and devotion, no one could tell she had given birth to only one of them.

Anika had fallen asleep but woke up hearing Shivaay's footsteps. She sat up but held her head. "Ah!"

"Anika, kya hua?" Shivaay asked and immediately sat in front of her.

"Kuch nahi, bas sar bhaari lag raha tha." Anika told him but not quite meeting his gaze. She looked pale and hair stuck to her face due to sweat.

"Anika..." Shivaay delicately placed his hand on her cheek. When Anika looked at him, he knew she wanted to say something. But wordlessly, Anika reached into the drawer of her bedside table and pulled out a small stick, placing it in Shivaay's hand. "Aaj subah liya tha." A pregnancy test. With a positive result.

Shivaay's eyes were blown wide looking at the test in his hands. He slowly raised his eyes towards Anika, who had tears pooling in hers.

"Kya yeh sach hain Shivaay? Kya yeh sach ho sakta hain?" Anika asked, a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

"Haan Anika." A tear fell from Shivaay's eye. "Yeh sach hain."

Despite the tears flowing down her cheeks, Anika broke into a huge grin. Shivaay pulled her into his arms, caressing her hair and kissing her temple.

But happiness didn't come easy to them.

"Foetus is fine but Anika, I'm worried about your health." Dr Madan said looking at Anika's reports. "This is your third pregnancy and soon after your previous one, which increases risk. Moreover, your blood pressure and liver enzymes are slightly elevated, I don't like it so early on your pregnancy."

"Dr Madan, is it... very serious?" Shivaay asked, clutching on to Anika's hand.

"The levels are not alarmingly high but at 12 weeks it's a potential cause of concern." Dr Madan explained and typed on her computer. "Monitor blood pressure daily and repeat liver function tests, kidney functions tests and complete blood count in one week."

Dr Madan printed the prescription and handed it to Anika. She took the prescription and headed out with Shivaay. At the reception, Shivaay booked an appointment for at-home blood sample collection and a follow-up appointment for Anika in the next week while Anika paced around corridor. Shivaay approached her and placed his hand on her shoulder but Anika turned around and grabbed his hand.

"Shivaay... Shivaay humare bacche ko kuch nahi hoga... kuch nahi hoga na?" Anika asked frantically, her voice shaking.

Shivaay looked at her but didn't answer.

Anika's eyes widened seeing him silent. She shook him slightly. "Boliye na! Humare bacche ko kuch nahi hoga na?"

Shivaay cupped Anika's face and keeping his voice as firm as he could, told her, "I promise you and our baby will get the best care in the world. Dr Madan is the best and as she said, yeh tests repeat kara ke next week we'll consult her. Let's not get ahead of ourselves before that, okay?"

Shivaay kissed her forehead and pulled her in hers, which seemed to calm her down. But the truth was he, as much he hated it, he couldn't promise her that. Not after... he just couldn't give her a promise he had no way of seeing through.

4 months later

"Pick up the phone Anika..." Shivaay muttered as he redialed her number, only for it to be directed to voicemail. He was about to smash his phone on the ground but controlled himself. Anika might call back.  But where was she? And since when was she gone? And was someone with her? What if...

Footsteps approaching his room pulled him out of his spiralling thoughts. He opened the door just as Anika reached for the handle from the other side.

"Oh bete ki! Dara diya aapne mujhe!" Anika shrieked, holding her 8 months pregnant belly.

"Kahaan thi tum? Kabse gayi thi? Mera phone kyoon nahi utha rahi thi?" Shivaay fired all his questions in one go.

Anika walked past him and grabbed the glass of water on the dressing table. "Mujhe theek se andar toh aane dijiye."

"Anika kahaan thi tum?" Shivaay demanded to know, his voice sharp.

"Badi maa ke saath subah orphanage gayi thi. Woh budget meeting mein hain, unhe time lagega toh unhone mujhe ghar bhej diya. Phone mera band ho gaya tha. Khush?" Anika piercingly replied to all his questions, giving him a pointed look. She was about to walk away but Shivaay grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him.

"Tumhe bedrest pe rehne ka matlab samajh nahi aata!?" Shivaay yelled.

"Samajh nahi aata toh 3 mahine se isi bed pe isi kamre mein padi nahi hoti!" Anika yelled back.

"Do you think this is a joke!? Apni health ke saath kyoon khel rahi ho?!"

"Ek din 2-3 ghanton ke liye ghar se kya nikal gayi aapne raaye bana li main apna aur humare bacche kya dhyaan nahi-"

Anika stopped mid-sentence, wincing and clutching her baby bump. Shivaay's anger vanished and was replaced by concern.

"Kya hua Anika? Dard ho raha hain?" Shivaay asked but Anika looked at him with bitterness in eyes.

"Dard mehsoos karne ke liye aapke seene mein dil hain bhi ya nahi?" Anika spat.

"Wh..what.. k..keh..khena kya chahti ho tum?!" Shivaay's voice trembled.

Angry tears pricked Anika's eyes. "Aap baat avoid kar rahe hain ya sach mein bhool gaye hain?"

"What do you mean?" Shivaay asked, his voice low.

Anika drew a shuddering breath and said, "Shivansh."

Shivaay breathed sharply, which was enough indication for Anika. "Matlab avoid kar rahe hain."

"Main kuch-"

"Beta tha woh humara..." A tear slid down Anika's cheek. "Aapko uske liye prayer meeting nahi rakhni thi, theek hain main samajh gayi kyoonki kuch hi din beete the. Likin aapne picchle saal bhi mere saath orphanage aana toh door, ek baar baat tak nahi ki. Aaj bhi aap mere uthne se pehle hi nikal gaye. Mujhe toh aisa lag raha hain ki aap..."

Shivaay swallowed the lump in his throat. "Main kya...?"

It pained Anika to say it but she had to. "Aap Shivansh ko bhulana chahte hain."

"Anika!" Shivaay bellowed, making Anika flinch. " Tum aisa soch bhi kaise sakti ho? Are you mad?"

"Kaise nahi sochun?!" Anika cried out. "Aap na khud Shivansh ki baat karte hain aur koi kare toh baat palat dete hain. Aap kisi aur se baat nahi kar sakte, theek hain, par mujhse toh baat kijiye. Aapke bacchon ki maa hoon main. Patni hoon aapki!"

Tears fell from Anika's eyes as she supported her lower back with one hand and kept the other over her bump, her face twisting in pain.

Shivaay blinked away the tears blinking in his eyes and this time didn't ask Anika, straight away stood beside her and rubbed her lower back.

"I'm calling the doctor."

Shivaay reached for phone but Anika lowered his hand.

"Zaroorat nahi hain. False labour hi lag raha hain."

"You're sweating in AC and they seem much more painful."

"Pata nahi, ho sakta hain-"

Anika gasped as she felt something wet and hot trickled down her legs. She looked down and her face went pale as crimson red dots appeared at her feet. Her knees buckled and she would've collapsed completely but Shivaay held her. He looked down and was horrified seeing blood pool at Anika's feet.

Anika was trembling as grabbed onto Shivaay's blazer. "Shivaay humara baccha...AAAAHHH!!"

Anika screamed as pain shot through her like a shockwave.

"Anika!" Shivaay screamed and immediately picked up Anika in his arms. "Kuch nahi hoga, okay? Main tumhe kuch nahi hone doonga."

Shivaay carried her out and shouted, "Khanna, hospital now!"

RiKara came hearing the scream but Shivaay was already out the door. Om was about to call him but Gauri shrieked and pointed towards the blood drops on the floor.

"Jiji..." Gauri could barely whisper as tears pooled in her eyes.

"Kuch nahi hoga bhabhi ko. Shivaay hain na. Main bhi unke saath jaata hoon. Tum bilkul chinta mat karo." Om assured her and ran out behind Shivaay.

Shivaay held Anika in his arms as howled in pain while Khanna drove as fast as he could.

"Anika... Anika, stay with me, okay! We're almost there..."

"Shi..Shivaay nahi... please... phir..se nahi, aaj n..nahi..." Anika begged through the pain and tears, to which Shivaay just tightened his hold around her.

As soon as they reached the hospital, Shivaay ran with Anika to the emergency room. The nurses acted quickly and placed her on a gurney.

"Page Dr Madan and Dr Roy to OR 1. Have the Massive Transfusion Protocol ready and A+ blood on standby." The nurse incharge ordered as the others pushed the gurney towards the elevator. Shivaay ran alongside, holding Anika's hand.

"Shivaay..." Anika called out in a pained voice.

"Anika, we're here. Sab theek ho jaayega. Tumhe kuch nahi hoga." Shivaay told her but Anika shook her head.

"Humare bacche k..ko bacha lijiye... please... bacche ko bacha lijiye." Anika implored, tears falling from her eyes.

Tears pricked Shivaay's eyes as he shouted, "Ju..just shut up! I said k..kuch nahi hoga na!"

"Please mere bacche ko bacha..."

Anika's eyes rolled back and her grip on Shivaay's hand weakened.

"She's losing too much blood!" One of the nurses said to the other.

"Sir aap iske aage nahi jaa sakte." Another nurse held him back while the others two pulled the gurney into the elevator.

Anika's hand fell limply to side when her hand separated from Shivaay's. As his fingers brushed past his, the weight of Anika's words settled on him.

"Humare bachhe ko bacha lijiye..."

TBC