"Hi Dheeraj, good evening. How are you?" Shivaay greeted as he entered the room and sat on the couch.

"I'm good Shivaay, thank you. How are you?" Dheeraj asked, sitting in an armchair across from Shivaay.

"I'm good too. Sorry we couldn't meet last week."

"That's alright. How has your week been?"

Shivaay shrugged. "Pretty uneventful, which makes me a little glad that we didn't meet last week because that had a lot going on."

"It sounds like the past week was eventful. Tell me more about it."

"My kids were with me last week, I spent a whole day in the mall with my son, had all three meals with whole family on Sunday and my friends were over on Thursday. His family shifted from Dubai recently so I called him and his family over for dinner. To make them feel more at home, you know."

"That is really considerate of you Shivaay." Dheeraj said with a smile.

"It wasn't really a big deal. He's my childhood friend, it's the least I could do for him."

"It was a gesture of kindness that you chose to do for your friend and his family."

Shivaay scratched the back of his neck bashfully. "Well if you put it like that..."

Dheeraj glanced at the notebook in his hand. "You said this week had been pretty uneventful. Would like to tell me about it?"

"There's really nothing much to say. I've just been... working this week."

Dheeraj nodded and asked, "How has your sleep been?"

"It's...okay. Not bad."

Dheeraj put his notebook aside and uncrossed his legs. "Shivaay I'm required to tell you, I'm observing that we have reached a point of stagnation. We are circling around the same thing, not progressing."

"What do you want me to say Dheeraj? What do you want me to do?" Shivaay grumbled.

"I want us to work towards achieving your goal."

"My goal? Which is?"

"Which is..?"

Shivaay snapped. "Which is what I don't know! I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for Om! It was just an accident and that too three months ago. I hadn't slept in 3 days, I forgot that I had already taken sleeping pills. It was just an accident! I am not suicidal!"

Flashback
3 months ago

Om was sitting by the poolside with his thoughts and cup of tea. He glanced at towards the glass wall of Shivaay's room. Normally, if Shivaay forgot to draw the curtains, Om would avert his eyes to give his brother privacy but something compelled him to check on him. Shivaay was sprawled on the bed, still in his shirt and trousers, legs dangling off the edge. It wasn't uncommon for Shivaay to collapse on the bed the moment he got home but he always got up, changed and turned all the light off before sleeping. So wehen Shivaay didn't get up to do so, Om went to check on.

"Shivaay?" Om knocked on the door and called out to Shivaay. He didn't need to whisper as the kids and seniors were sound asleep on the first floor, RuVya were at Bhavya's colleague's farewell party and Gauri was in Bareilly  for one of her sworn-brother's wedding.

When Shivaay didn't answer, Om went inside and spoke louder. "Shivaay?"

When Shivaay didn't even flinch, that's when Om got scared. He went closer and shook him. "Shivaay! Shivaay wake up!"

Shivaay mumbled something inaudibly, Om leaned in to hear him but saw a bluish tint on Shivaay's lips. Horror struck Om when he realised Shivaay's breathing was slow and laboured. Om's mind was numb but he still had to think. He had to do something.

From the moment he fetched Khanna, who thankfully was doing a double shift, to the moment the two of them rushed Shivaay to ER, everything was a blur. Om vaguely remembered Shivaay being wheeled away on a table and answering questions the doctor asked him to the best of his ability. He was still a little out of it when the doctors came to update him. The only phrase he fully registered was "Shivaay is stable", but the word that drew his full attention, and the breath from his lungs, was...

"Overdose"

"Wh...wha...what... what!?" Om stuttered.

"Based on Mr Oberoi's symptoms and test results, it appears to be an overdose of sleeping pills. Blood tests also showed he had taken painkillers, which combined with sleeping pills could've increased the effects of both drugs. The dosage wasn't too high, and we have administered treatment, but we'll keep under observation for a few hours." The doctor informed.

Even though all the information was swimming through his head, Om managed to ask, "Can I see him?"

Om was guided to Shivaay's bed, sectioned off from rest off the ER by a curtain. He sat beside the bed for an hour or so before Shivaay gained consciousness.

"Om..?"

Om's head snapped up and let out a whisper. "Shivaay..."

Despite a pounding headache, Shivaay looked around. "Where am I?"

"Hospital." Om answered and Shivaay was visibly confused.

"Why? What happened?"

Om fear turned to anger. "Seriously!? You're asking me that!? You don't know what happened?"

Shivaay didn't, that's why he was asking.

"You overdosed Shivaay! Overdosed sleeping pills!"

Shivaay was shocked. "No, that's not possible!"

"Really? Because your blood tests say otherwise. The way you looked when I found you said otherwise. You would've killed yourself if hadn't brought you here in time!" Om yelled. "Tumhe kuch ho jaata toh kya muh dikhata main gharwalon ko? Shivani ko? Ansh ko? Anika bhabhi ko!?"

Shivaay shot up from the bed, so fast that his head span but he asked, "You didn't tell them, did you?"

"Not yet..."

"And don't!" Shivaay shrieked, then added, "I mean you don't need to tell them, I'm fine."

"YOU ARE NOT FINE!" Om thundered, before taking a breath and rubbing his temples to control his tone. "You are not fine Shivaay. You need help."

"Om-"

"I'm booking you a session with a therapist and you ARE going."

"What!? No! I don't need to!"

"Shivaay..." Om said in a tone that meant serious business. "Either you're seeing a therapist or I'm telling the family what happened today. Choice is yours."

Om left the room to complete some formalities for Shivaay's release but really, it was because he couldn't bear to see the look of betrayal in Shivaay's eyes.

Flashback ends

"You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Om, what makes you say that?"

Shivaay was pulled out from his reverie by Dheeraj's question. Shivaay didn't know what kind of reaction he was expecting when his accidental overdose was brought to light but it certainly a calm and composed look. Oh, of course! Dheeraj is a trained and experienced therapist. He has seen many cases.

"The fact he gave me an ultimatum. If I didn't go for therapy, he would tell our family I... what had happened." Shivaay said, just little louder than a mumble.

"What would happen if your family knew?"

"My family can't know!"

"What would happen if they did?"

"Are you kidding me? They. Can't. Know! That's the whole reason I agreed for therapy!"

Dheeraj glanced at his notebook. "Omkara, your cousin-"

"Brother." Shivaay corrected

"Your brother, he's family?"

"Of course he is."

"And he knows."

"Yeah."

"Then what would happen if your other family members got know?"

Shivaay let out a frustrated sigh. "It's different with Om. He's been through this, he knows how this goes, what goes on. The others don't! My family can't know that the person they depend on accidentally nearly killed himself. I need to be strong, stronger than this. My family needs me. My family needs Shivaay Singh Oberoi."

"Who do you need?

Shivaay blinked. "What?"

"You said your family needs you, they need Shivaay Singh Oberoi. But who does Shivaay need?"

Without hesitation, without a second thought, before Shivaay even realised, the name slipped out of his mouth. "Anika."

What the hell! What the hell! What in the actual hells!? Why did he say that?! How could he say that?! Out of all the names he could've said, why hers?!

"Anika..?"

There was no turning back. The arrow had been released. All Shivaay could do now was answer.

"My wife... ex-wife... and the mother of my children." Shivaay answered and Dheeraj noted something down in his notebook. 

"What do you need from Anika?"

Dheeraj could see the hesitation painted on Shivaay's face but chose to give him space time instead of probing.

"To tell me that I'm not screwing up." Shivaay answered.

"Screwing up in what sense?"

"Screwing up as a parent."

"Is there anything that makes you feel like you're screwing up as a parent?"

This is the part Shivaay hated. Questions. So many questions. Not the ones with a definite right or wrong answers. Questions that needed honest answers. Answers that Shivaay would rather keep to himself.

Be honest with your therapist. Said every research article Shivaay read about therapy. But honesty was too damn hard! He (accidently) gave one honest answer and it led to more questions. It gets worse before it gets better. Now that Shivaay knew was true to an extent. It was the same case with his heart medicines too. But there's big difference in side effects of medications and baring your deep, dark secrets to a stranger. A stranger you've been seeing for the past 3 months. And paying a hefty amount. Shivaay did end up spilling what he considered to be his one of his most well-kept secret. That he needed Anika's validation. Dheeraj didn't shame him for it and was bound by law to not tell anyone else. What was the harm in telling him another? Who knows, maybe it'll help... maybe...

"I feel jealous of my kids."

There it was. Another well-guarded secret, out in the open.

Dheeraj slightly leaned forward. "Jealous how?"

"My kids... Their mother... She understands them. She understands their feelings, she listens to them. My mom doesn't and I... honestly I don't remember a time that she has and..and... I feel... so guilty and so ashamed for feeling this way. What kind of a parent feels jealous of his children?!

Dheeraj rubbed his hand on his knees before looking up and asking, "Shivaay, what I hear is that you have feelings of guilt and shame when you have feelings of jealousy, would that be correct?"

Shivaay nodded.

"Have you felt guilty or ashamed when feeling certain emotions in the past?"

A lump formed in Shivaay's throat. He gulped it down before responding. "Yes, a lot actually. I remember in my childhood, my parents used to keep fighting. Whenever I tried to express myself, my mom would scold me for being happy when she was sad. Or for being sad when she was sadder. I remember my brothers would call me "Great Wall Of Shivaay Singh Oberoi", their protector, because I "protected them from bad forces", which was a codeword that we used for our parents' fights. I think somewhere I began to bottle up my emotions because if I began to feel my emotions, I'd fall weak and I couldn't afford that. I had to stay strong."

Dheeraj closed the notebook on his lap and rested his hands over it, a sympathetic look on his face.

"I am so sorry for what you went through Shivaay. It's not fair that you had to carry such a heavy emotional burden from the age you did. It's understandable how these circumstances led you to internalise your emotions and prioritise strength over vulnerability. But remember, you are not a wall. You are a human. And humans feel. Humans feel all sorts of emotions, even jealously. There is no shame in feeling what you feel."

Shivaay nodded. He could only nod because the storm of emotions coursing through him was threatening to spill out the second he said a single word.

"Also, if I may ask, what else do you feel about your kids?"

Saved by the question! Uh... what was the question? What does he feel about his kids?

"I... uh... I'm sorry, I don't understand the question Dheeraj. Could you explain it?"

"Yes of course. You said that the mother of your kids understands them, your kids can approach her; how does that make you feel?"

Shivaay thought for a while before saying, "proud." He smiled and leaned on the arm of the sofa. "I feel proud knowing that they know they can approach their mother or me anytime regarding anything. I think it's a good sign when your kids trust you with anything and everything. I feel proud that we can do that for them."

Dheeraj nodded and smiled. "Absolutely Shivaay. You created a safe space for your children, you built that trust in them. You deserve to feel proud of yourself."

"Thank you Dheeraj."

"Shivaay, I would like you to create a safe space for yourself as well. A space to let yourself just feel whatever you're feeling about anything, just allowing yourself to be. Does that sound doable?" Dheeraj asked.

Shivaay contemplated the task for few seconds. "Yeah, I can try."

"Alright then, you can try creating a safe space for yourself and we can talk about how it goes in our next session?"

"Sounds good. Next session next week, same time?"

"Yes, I'll book you in for next week right after." Dheeraj assured, making a note in his notebook.

"Thank you Dheeraj. Have a good night."

"Thank you Shivaay. You too, have a good night." Dheerej wished as Shivaay got up and left the room.

The moment Shivaay got in the elevator, he collapsed against the walls and had to hold himself up using the handrails. Most, if not all sessions left him feeling rather indifferent but today he felt as if a hefty weight was lifted off his shoulder. A weight that he got so used to carrying around that it being lifted off caused him lose his balance. He did not know how to walk, even stand up straight.

As he exited the building, a gust of wind blew past him and he suddenly realised how light he felt. As dramatic as it seemed, Shivaay felt like he could float away with wind.

Maybe Shivaay had to relearn how to walk without the weight he had been carrying on his back for decades. But letting go also meant that he could learn to fly.

A/N: Shivaay didn't need to be handed the responsibility of keeping his dysfunctional family together because his parents failed miserably at their job. He needed a hug and a shoulder to lean on because he was a child, too. He needed professional help to unpack the years of baggage and generational trauma dumped onto him.