CHAPTER 8

CONSUMING MEMORIES

"Sahab, pakki khabar hai", Laxman said. "Wo Eupho waala pub hai, na?"

Karan's eyebrows furrowed slightly. "Euphoria?"

"Haan, Sahab. Wo hi. Angrezi naam. Sunne mein aaya hai, wahan drugs beche jaate hain. Aas paas ke saare sheharon mein yahan se supply karte hain." He leaned in closer. "Aur bataate hain. Yeh bhi sunne mein aaya hai, koi bahut upar ke log dhanda chalaate hain."

"Upar ke log matlab?"

"Yeh pakka nahi keh sakta. Par hamle badh rahe hain, na? Apun ko badhi... aise strong feeling aa rahi hai. Yeh aatankwaadi waala locha hai."

He hummed. "Aur kuchh pata hai?"

"Nahi, Sahab. Par jo bolega, apun wo information laakar dega."

"Abhi ke liye, bas ek kaam kar." Laxman nodded."Yeh Euphoria par nazar rakh. Tujhe smartphone diya tha maine? Photo kheench. Andar bahar, jitni bhi kheench sakta hai. Videos bana. Par risk nahi lena hai. Safe rehna. Kisi ke peechhe jaane ki zaroorat nahi. Koi bhi problem ho, immediately mujhe call karna. Apne doston ko bhi kaam par laga."

"Ho, Sahab."

"Chal, jaa."

Karan pulled his phone out. "Faizi. Informer se kuchh information mili hai. Main 15 minute mein academy pahunch raha hoon. Tu mujhe Batra Sir ke cabin mein mil."

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Tum logon ko spy ke baare mein koi aur information mili?" Colonel Batra asked.

"No, Sir. Karan ne jitni files analyze kari aur humne jitne logon se baat kari, un mein se kisi se bhi kuchh bhi aisa nahi pata chala jisse yeh lage ki academy mein koi spy hai", Faizi said. "Humne pehle security check karwaaya tha, par personally nahi."

He nodded. "Since humaare paas koi evidence nahi hai, hum yeh spy waali theory drop karte hain. Agar koi aur evidence milta hai iss theory ko support karne ke liye, hum ise dobara pickup karenge."

"Yes sir."

"Tum dono apne informers ko iss Euphoria ke baare mein pata lagaane ko kaho. Ek baar hume yeh confirm ho jaaye ki yeh terrorists se related hai, hum tab action lenge. Otherwise, we'll hand it to the local police."

"Sir."

"Dismissed."

The two saluted him, before walking out of the cabin.

"Ab toh iss cabin se hi nafrat hone lagi hai",Faizi said, typing on his phone. "Jab bhi andar jaate hain, kaam ki khabar hi milti hai."

Karan rolled his eyes. "Toh aur kya, teri shaadi ka card denge?"

"Very funny." Faizi lowered his phone. "Informers ko toh inform kar diya. At least, jab tak yeh information nahi dete, thoda kaam toh kam hai. Aur Sunday bhi aa raha hai. Finally, aaram karenge."

He hummed. "Main bhi ghar jaunga. Yahan aane ke baad, ghar jaa hi nahi paaya. Bhaiya daant rahe the kal."

"Kal? Kal kab?"

He pushed open the door to his room. "Tab hi, jab tune Koel ke saath flirt karne ke liye, mujhe dhang se khaana bhi nahi khaane diya." Faizi sighed happily, plopping down on his bed. He raised an eyebrow. "Sach mein pasand karne laga hai kya tu use? Kya chal raha hai?"

"Janaab, wo kaafi alag hai. Pasand ka toh pata nahi, par achhi zaroor lagi. Interesting hai. Waqt bitaana achha laga hume uske saath."

Karan sat down on his own bed. "Cadet hai wo. Yeh dhyaan rakhna. Personal life ke chakkar mein professional life mein farak nahi aana chahiye."

"Jaante hain. Hum dhyaan rakhenge." He sighed happily. "Par abhi uske baare mein sochne do."

Karan shook his head. "Kuchh nahi ho sakta hai tera."

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Sid Bhai ji", Bala moaned. "Yeh homework ne toh ek hi din mein band bajaa di hai. Kuchh samajh hi nahi aa raha."

Sid looked up. "Kya hua, Bala G bro?" He patted his bed next to him. "Aa jaa. Main help karta hoon." Bala eagerly hopped to his bed, and Sid leaned in to see his book. "Military codes?"

"Mujhe toh A for Apple, B for Ball seekhne mein janam laga gaya tha. Ab yeh A for Alpha, B for Bravo seekhne mein teen janam toh lag hi jaayenge."

"Baar baar bolega toh yaad ho jayega tujhe."

"Par kitna boring hai yeh."

He hummed. "Ek kaam karte hain. Flashcards banaate hain. Jab Monu medical ki padhai kar rahi thi, wo kehti thi ki usse padhna zyaada interesting hai." He snapped his fingers. "Monu ko bhi bulaate hain. Use bahut achhe se flash cards banaane aate hain."

"Doctor Madam aayengi? Mujhe nahi lagta wo mujhe zyaada pasand karti hain. Kabhi baat hi nahi karti."

Sid clicked his tongue. "Aisa kuchh nahi hai. She just prefers being alone. Main abhi lekar aaya use. Tu yahin baith aur codes dobara padh." He was out of the door before Bala could say anything.

Bala heaved a sigh as he looked atthe codes. "Alpha. Bravo. Charlie. Delta", he started to read out aloud.

He looked up when Sid entered the room a few minutes later, Monami in tow. She smiled awkwardly at him, shifting slightly behind Sid. Sid wordlessly reached behind himself and pulled her out, making her stand next to him. He gave her a stern look when she moved to hide behind him again and she stilled.

"Doctor Madam", Bala said happily, smiling at her. "Main Bala. Shaitaan ka Saala. Sid Bhai ji toh bas aapki hi baat karte rehte hain. Unhone toh aapko mere baare mein bataaya hi hoga?"

She nodded. "Yeah", she said."K-Kaam k-karein?"

Bala nodded and the three sat down in a circle, making flashcards for the codes. Monami and Sid took care to write the meanings of the words to help him to remember easier, sprawling it in small handwriting at the end of it.

"E-Easy hoga y-yaad k-karna j-jab w-word ka m-matlab p-pata hoga", Monami had said.

"Doctor Madam", Bala called, as she was leaving the room an hour later, the flashcards sitting on the desk. "Thank you."

She smiled. "No p-problem. Koi aur h-help ch-chahiye, toh t-tum aa s-sakte ho."

He grinned, nodding. She was pretty nice, he concluded, but she had a lock on her mouth that rarely malfunctioned.

He still liked her.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Monu! Bro", Sid said. Monami looked up from the military strategy textbook. She kept it aside, and sat up straighter. "Kya kar rahi hai?"

"Padh rahi thi", she answered.

Sid leaned in, reading the cover. "Military Strategy? Iska toh koi homework bhi nahi mila. Yeh kyun padh rahi hai?" He flicked her forehead. "Padaaku." She rolled her eyes. "Achha, waise, Bala se milkar kaisa laga?"

She shrugged. "He's nice."

He looked at her expectantly. "Usse aur baat karne ka mann kara tera?"

"Nahi. Bahut bolta hai", she said.

Sid sighed. "Wo zyaada nahi bolta. Tu kam bolti hai. Bro, koi toh hoga iss academy mein jiske saath tu time spend karna chahti hogi. Hum tere liye aur dost dhoondege aur phir dheere dheere tera yeh darr khatam, and boom! Confident new commando."

"Sure", she said, unconvinced. Her eyebrows furrowed as her gaze fell on his hand. "Sid..."

"Kya hai?"

"Tujhe yeh bracelet kahan se mila? Uss Khadoos ne toh yeh jala diya tha, na?" She asked. She clutched his hand, inspecting it. "Yeh toh bilkul Aunty ke bracelet jaisa hai."

"Haan, wo main miss kar raha tha, isliye maine Raghu bro ko bolkar ek waisa hi bracelet banwaa liya."

She inspected it. It looked exactly like the one his mother had given him. It even had scratches. "Bro... yeh toh wo hi lag raha hai. Ditto same."

"Arey, bol toh raha hoon, waisa hi banwaa liya. Bharosa nahi kya tujhe mujhpar?"

"Maine aisa kab kaha?"

Sid hopped up to his feet. "Tu yeh sab chodh. Main baaki cadets ke saath group study karne jaa raha hoon. Hum sab Foxtrot waale milkar padhai kar rahe hain. Tujhe aana hai?"

She shook her head. "Tu jaa."

He nodded. "Bye." He kissed her head before running out of the room. Monami tilted her head.

'Yeh bracelet toh bilkul Aunty waale bracelet jaisa tha. Agar naya bracelet hota, toh scratches kahan se aate?'

'Itna bhi bura nahi hai. I feel there's more to him than he shows. He's not that bad.'

'Kuchh bhi toh nahi. Mujhe bas feeling aa rahi hai.'

'Kahin uss Khadoos ne...?'

'Shapat toh ho gayi. Ab waqt hai iss par final seal lagaane ka. Aapki saari favorite cheezon ko iss aag ke bhaint chadna hoga.'

'Nahi. Nahi, yeh kaise ho sakta hai? Karan Sir ne toh saari cheezen jalaa di thi. Burning is an irreversible process. Wo thodi naa jali hui cheezen waapas laa sakte hain.' She shook her head. 'Sid ne naya hi banwaaya hoga. Tujhe galatfehmi hui hogi, Monu.'

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Suman ji ne suna hai Sunday ko academy se bahar jaane ko milta hai, aur phones bhi mil jaate hain", she said happily. "Suman ji apne husband, Rajesh ji, se baat karegi."

Koel smiled. "Main toh sabse pehle Nikhil ko call karungi. Main bahut miss kar rahi hoon use."

"Main apni #sister ko. I miss her so much", Chitra said excitedly.

"Main bhi apne ghar call karunga", Bala said, smiling. "Aana se pehle, maine Maa ko ek phone diya tha. Sasta hai, par call ho jayega. Maa bahut khush hogi."

Prem ji nodded. "Main bhi apni Mata ji ko call karunga. Badhi yaad aa rahi hogi unhe meri."

"No #wife, Prem ji?"

"Main inn sab chakkron mein nahi padta", he said. "Pehle, meri acting hi mera saara time leti thi aur ab, yeh training. Main moh maaya se door hi rehta hoon."

"Smart", Koel said, laughing slightly.

"Sid?" Suman ji said. "Tum kisko call karoge?"

He looked up from the book. He shook his head. "Kisi ko nahi."

"Matlab? Koi toh hoga jisko call karoge?" Koel asked. "Tumhaara Papa?"

He shrugged. "Free honge toh baat kar lunga. Par usually, hote nahi hai", he said. "Waise bhi, meri family toh yahin hai. Monu."

The other cadets glanced at each other. "Tumhaare pita ji ko bhi tumhaari yaad aa rahi hogi. Jab call karoge, toh wo tumhaare liye toh samay nikaalenge hi", Prem ji said.

"Maybe", he said. He shook his head. He smiled. "Waise, ghar call karne ke baad, kya karna hai? Poora din free hai. Sab bahar jaayenge, masti karenge, Deolali ghoomenge. I have heard it's beautiful."

They grinned. "Suman ji toh bahut saara khaana khaayegi."

"True. Yeh academy ka healthy khaana khaakar main ek hafte mein hi bore ho gayi."

"Waise, Sid?" Chitra said. "#Monami ko bhi bol, na? Hum sab ek #subgroup waale, ek saath rehte hain. It'll be #fun."

Sid shook his head. "Main puchh lunga par wo nahi aayegi. Wo logon ke saamne nervous ho jaati hai, isliye akela rehna hi pasand karti hai." He shrugged. "Agar use koi kaam nahi hoga, toh wo academy mein hi rahegi."

"#Academy mein hi? #Boring", Chitrasaid.

He shrugged helplessly. His eyes flickered down to the book as he played idly with the edge, a memory springing up in his mind.

'Monu, please! Please, kuchh toh bol. Main taras gaya hoon teri awaaz sunne ke liye. Please. Just one word. I promise, phir bilkul tang nahi karunga.' He poked her arm, tears stinging his eyes. 'Bol, na, bacche? Yeh hi bol de ki tujhe mujhse baat nahi karni. Yeh hi bol de ki main yahan se nikal jaoon. Anything!'

She looked at him wordlessly, with red, puffy eyes. She shifted, curling up in his arms and he hugged her, sighing and rubbing her back.

'Tum logon ko koi idea nahi hai ki Monu aisi kyun hai. Wo andar se ek sherni hai, yeh baat sirf mujhe pata hai. Aur dikhaati kyun nahi, yeh baat bhi mujhe hi pata hai. Boring nahi hai wo, apne aap ko boring banaati hai, taaki koi interesting samajhkar uski taraf dhyaan naa de, aur wo apne shell mein, apne safety sphere, apne comfort zone mein bina darr ke rahe. Jis sphere mein mujhe bhi limited entry hi hai.' He traced the corner of the book. 'Kaash wo mujhe apni feelings bataati. Kaash baat karti mujhse apne pain ke baare mein. Feel karne ke liye, uska bolna zaroori nahi hai, par shayad samajhne ke liye, hai. I wish wo mere saath apna dard share karti.'

He looked up when Chitra called his name, smiling at the other cadets and piping in ideas for Sunday's plan.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Sanju", a voice called. She paused, turning around. Karan.

She saluted him. "Sir ji."

"Mujhe kuchh baat karni hai tujhse."

"Sir ji." She followed him to his room. He closed the door behind them, locking it before sitting down on his desk. He typed a few things in his laptop, before turning it towards her. She leaned down a little, inspecting the picture. It seemed to be of a night club.

"Iss club ka naam Euphoria hai. Mujhe mere informers se pata chala hai ki iss club mein drug peddling ho rahi hai. Use shaq hai ki yeh terrorist aided hai." He looked at her. "Apne informers ko kaam par laga. Photos, videos, jo mil sakta hai, sab nikaal. Andar, bahar, kaun kaam karta andar, ho sake toh jagah ka map, saari information nikaal."

"Ji, Sir ji."

"Aur sun? Mission ki details mat bataana kisi ko. Abhi ke liye secret mission ki tarah treat kar."

She nodded. She saluted him again, before walking off. Karan locked the door after her, sitting down on his desk again. He swiped through the pictures his informer had sent him, trying to see any detail that might be of use.

His phone chimed in his pocket. He pulled it out, tapping on Faizi's message.

Informer ka call aaya tha. Baat karni hai. Kahan ho?

Kamre mein.

He kept the phone aside. A knock sounded a few minutes later, and he unlocked it, locking it again after him. Faizi sat down on his bed, leaning back on the wall. Karan flicked his eyebrows up, sitting on the chair.

"Humaara informer keh raha tha ki police ko bhi shaq hai ki yahan par drug peddling hoti hai. Par jab bhi raid maarne jaate hain, kuchh nahi milta. Police ke aadmi bhi mile honge isse."

He nodded. "Aur kuchh?"

"Haan." Faizi smiled. "Khush ho jaoge tum. Keh raha tha andar CCTV cameras lage hain."

He straightened up. "Footage mil sakti hai?"

Faizi shrugged. "Shayad. Keh raha tha koshish karega."

"Sun, yeh mere informers ne kuchh photos bheji hain. Dekh. Kuchh dikh raha hai kya?"

He glanced at his watch. "Karan, class ka time hone waala hai. Tum hume yeh bhej do, hum free hote hi dekhte hain." Karan nodded. He glanced at his own watch, heaving a sigh.

"Kaunse subgroup mein hai class?"

"Charlie. Tumhaari?"

"Alpha", he answered.

Both sighed. Back to the cadets, it is.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Aur Karan kaisa hai?"

"Wo bhi theek hai, Ammi", Faizi said, smiling slightly. He fiddled with a loose string on the bedsheet idly. "Aap bataaiye? Ghar par sab theek?"

"Ek kaam se call kara tha humne."

"Kahiye, na, phir."

"Tumhaare Abu..." Faizi's smile faded. "Wo Mumbai kisi kaam se aa rahe hain. Chah rahe the ki tum unse milo. Keh rahe the bahut samay ho gaya. Mumbai aa jao tum."

"Hum Mumbai nahi aa rahe, Ammi."

"Faizi, Abu hain wo tumhaare. Chahte hain milna toh aa jao, na? Kabhi kabhi toh aate hain."

"Ammi, kabhi kabhi aana, unki choice hai, humaari nahi. Humne kab mana kara hai unhe aane se? Par hum apna kaam unke hisaab se toh nahi chala sakte, na? Hum nahi aa sakte. Hume bahut kaam hai."

"Faizi..."

"Ammi, humse itne saal door rehne ka faisla unka tha, humaara nahi. Agar unhe itna hi mann hai humse milne ka, toh unhe keh dijiye ki hum Deolali mein rehte hain. Aa jaaye aur jab humaare paas samay hoga, hum unse mil lenge."

She heaved a sigh. "Theek hai. Hum bol denge unhe yeh."

He glanced at the laptop where the photos Karan had forwarded were. "Ammi, hume thoda kaam hai. Hum kal baat karte hain aap se. Khuda Haafiz."

"Khuda Haafiz."

He disconnected the call, heaving a sigh. He leaned his head back on the wall. He shook his head, picking up the laptop and trying to concentrate on the pictures.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

'Aisa nahi hai ki main logon ko dekhti hoon aur sochti hoon ki sab bure hain, sab mujhe hurt karna chahta hain. Mera dil kehta hai log achhe hote hain. Aise log bhi bahut hain duniya mein, jo logon ka good chahte hain. I believe people are good.

Par kehte hai, na- once bitten, twice shy? Koi bharosa jeet hi nahi paaya mera. Unki galti nahi hai. Kaun itni mehnat karega bharosa jeetne ke liye? Aur wo bhi mera? Main kaunsa special hoon ki logon ko mere saath rehna itna achha lagega ki mera bharosa jeetna chahenge? Bas ek Sid hi hai. Too good for this world. Main use kitna bhi door karne ki koshish karti thi, wo hamesha waapas aa hi jaata tha. I don't deserve him, but I wish I did.

Shayad poori life yeh hi wish karti rahungi. Ki bas, itni achhi ban jaaon ki Sid jaise friend ko deserve kar sakoon. Sirf friend nahi hai wo mera, meri life jeene ka reason hai. Mujhe girne nahi deta wo, mujhe tootne nahi deta wo. I wish Sid ko duniya ki saari happiness mile. Chaahe toh uska share pain ka, mujhe de do. I promise, main complain nahi karungi.

Aaj tak aapne mere hisse, jitna pain diya hai, bhagwaan ji, maine sab accept kara hai. Kabhi aapko blame nahi kara hai. Kabhi aapse gussa nahi hui hoon. After all, aapne hi toh mujhe Sid jaisa companion diya jo mujhe iss sab pain se deal karne ki strength deta hai. I don't know main kya karungi agar wo nahi hoga toh. Thank you, usko meri life mein rakhne ke liye.

Monami Mahajan.'

She closed the diary, keeping the pen aside. She closed her eyes, leaning against the chair in her room. The nightmare she had echoed in her head. She had barely gotten half an hour in when she had been woken up. At least, it wasn't a memory. It was easier to comfort herself when it was all her imagination. She pulled her phone out, searching for the picture she was thinking of. She paused when she saw it. It was a decades old picture.

Sid, his parents, her and her parents. All happy, all smiling. Looking at it, no one would be able to tell they were two families and not one. They never were different, she supposed. He has always been her family.

When Sid's mother had died, her mother had practically adopted him. If she did it for Monami, she did it for Sid. Bringing gifts when she returned from missions, cooking his favorite foods as often as she cooked Monami's, feeding him with her own hands. Every small tidbit. And Sid had found his mother in her.

And she was taken from him too.

She heaved a sigh. "Main kabhi nahi thi, na, Sid ke liye, jaise wo mere liye tha? Pehle, jab Aunty ki death hui, toh main bahut chhoti thi. Aur phir jab Mumma ki, toh..."

Arms wrapped around her and she jumped a little, looking up. Sid. "Tu mere liye kitni important hai, tujhe idea bhi nahi hai, bacche", he whispered, kissing her forehead. "Tu hamesha thi mere liye."

"Tu meri baatein sun raha tha?" She asked, smiling at him.

"Tu mujhse bhi toh baat kar rahi thi", he said. He pointed to the photo. "Wo dekh, wo raha main."

She chuckled. "Tu yahan kya kar raha hai?"

"Bas good night bolne aaya tha. Lights out hone waali hain. Par yahan toh tu sad smiley bankar baithi thi." She spun in the chair, wrapping her arms around him tightly. He rubbed her back. She closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. He was right here. It was just her stupid imagination. "Kya hua, bacche?"

She shook her head. "Bas bura sapna dekha", she murmured. "Par ab tu hai yahan, toh sab theek hai."

"Main hamesha hoon yahan", he promised. "Hamesha. Main kabhi tujhe chodkar nahi jaunga." She buried her face in his chest.

Everything was fine.

It was just her imagination.

Sid didn't suffer like her. And if she could help it, he would never.

She would never even let the memories close to his pure self.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

'Karan, nikal!'

'Bhaiya, main aapko chodh kar nahi jaa sakta.'

'It's an order, Karan! Leave. Bacchon ko lekar nikal. Unki safety priority hai. Main dobara nahi bolunga. Go!'

BOOM!

'BHAIYA!'

Karan shot up in bed.

"Bhaiya", he whispered, closing his eyes. "I am sorry, Bhaiya. I am sorry. I am so sorry."

He threw the covers off himself. It was too hot. He sat up, swinging his legs over the side. He buried his face in his hands. He took deep breaths.

'I am sorry, Bhaiya. Aapne toh ek bhai hone ka aur ek soldier hone ka, dono ka farz nibhaaya tha. Main ek bhi nahi nibhaa paaya. Kitni bhi maafi maang loon, kabhi iss maafi ko deserve nahi karunga main. I am sorry.'