I don't like to admit that I have real, valid problems. I don't like to call myself out on certain things. But when certain things become a problem, I have to.

Like my social anxiety.

It's HORRIBLE. I won't talk to people in public at all, or if I do, I share too much or I share too little or I do SOMETHING wrong to make myself look like an idiot or I embarrass myself and make people just hate me and they're only being nice to me to be polite.
I won't even text my friends for weeks or months because I feel like I'm bothering them.
People probably have the idea that I'm stuck-up just because I don't talk to them.

Every time I think it's getting better, everything gets worse and I get frustrated at myself and I know, I just know, that I'm a complete and utter failure and I'm probably going to end up being a hermit for the rest of my life.

But I don't want to be a hermit! I want to get better and have friends and be able to talk to people or ask my professors questions when I go to college next year. I want to be able to not feel like I'm going to combust whenever I go to public places or places with a lot of people.

But getting better also TERRIFIES me. What if I mess up? What if I get really good and better for a while, but I end up getting worse than I had ever been??

I'm trying to get better.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to Louisiana with about sixty other people. It was so hard, and I didn't really talk to people I don't know, unless they were the kids I was helping with.

Today I talked to a new kid at my church because I couldn't stand the idea of him being alone and ignored like I've been there.

But I'm still terrified. I don't know if I'll ever get better.

Sorry for the long rant.