Rikku was crying before she even set foot on the Celsius the first time since Paine's death. She was sitting on the dock in Luca, crying as she stared out into the water, waiting for the Celsius to come pick her up.

She didn't react when Gippal sat down next to her, looking just as miserable as she felt.

"I can't do it!" she told him bitterly as the tears fell from her eyes in a constant stream.

"Do what?" Gippal asked curiously. As disheveled as he was, with frumpy cloths, his eye-patch not centered, and his hair down framing his face, he still wasn't a sobbing mess like Rikku. He somehow had the hope that he could move on, and carry on with life. Well...Rikku didn't have that. She didn't have it now, and she never would.

"Let her go." She muttered the bitterness of her words not even a tenth of the misery she felt inside. "I...I don't have the hope you do. I don't feel her here with us, and I never will. I. Can't. Let. Her. Go." Her voice cracked as she spoke. Suddenly feeling nauseous she nearly doubled over into the water, but Gippal held her steady as she fought her nausea.

"You moved on when home was destroyed. A lot of people you knew died back then. You moved on when Tidus disappeared...Sure he came back, but you didn't know he was going to...so why can't you move on now?" He sighed, knowing this was a lost cause. "Memories are nice" he said. "But that's all they are."

Rikku just shook her head. "That was different." She tried to wipe her tears away only to get her hands wet. "A year ago..." she trailed off before continuing. "A little bit after Yunie joined the Gullwings...Paine told me she had no family..." She rubbed her eyes and wiped her tears away. "She didn't even have a name, Gippal! She named herself Paine...that's what she told me that day. You know what I did?"

Gippal shook his head. "I don't know."

"I told her we could be sisters...I told her that I'd always be there for her, and that she didn't have to be alone anymore. I promised her that, and since that day I've kept that promise...but now..." she broke into sobs. "I Can't Let Her go! And I never will."

Gippal just sighed and otherwise didn't respond. He'd never admit it, but Rikku knew he didn't think he'd ever carry on either. All Al Bhed were the same, they claimed to let go of their memories and live on, but on the inside they were just as broken as anyone else. The thing was, all of Spira was still broken. Sure the places have been rebuilt, and people claimed to have hope again now the Vegnagun was gone, but really the world was still broken. Rikku's world was still broken, and she knew she'd never be the same.

The Celsius showed up then, and without wishing Gippal goodbye she climbed aboard.

Surprisingly, being on the Celsius seemed to make her feel a little better. She almost felt like Paine would round the corner and tell her she'd been here on the Celsius all along, but of course that was never going to happen.

"Rikku!" Shinra called out as he ran towards her. She knelt down and embraced him as gently as she could. He used to look up to Paine more than any of the Gullwings, and she never snapped at him like she did everyone else; she always was good with children. The realization crossed her then that Paine would have made an excellent mother. "Well...not now." She muttered to herself as tears filled her eyes.

After letting go of Shinra, she took a deep breath and made her to way to the cabin. She hadn't been in it since the day Paine went missing, and it killed her to try and enter it now. When she entered the cabin she suddenly felt Paine's overwhelming presence. She closed her eyes and when she opened them, she could have sworn she was seeing her memories, as though there were pyreflies reacting to them.

"Paine, I just realized something super important I was supposed to ask you when you joined the Gullwings!" Rikku exclaims.

Paine is sitting at a table in the cabin, writing something down on a sheet of paper.

Looking back on it, Rikku couldn't remember what she'd been writing...she'd never asked. And now, she was dying to know. Funny how when someone dies you suddenly want to take more time to get to know everything about them. Funny in a strange way; it wasn't humorous at all.

Paine looks up from what she is doing only to stare at Rikku blankly, waiting for her to continue.

"You never told us when your birthday was..." Rikku exclaims nervously, hoping that Paine won't be too stubborn to tell her.

"You were stubborn." Rikku whispers, not wanting to interrupt her flashback. "But, you were always so reasonable...I'm not sure why I was so surprised that day. I'm sorry."

Paine sighs and sets down her paper. "I can't." she says flatly, as though it is obvious why.

Rikku frowns back at her. "Why not?" she'd expected this, but she is still disappointed.

"Because I can't." Paine says agitatedly, tapping her fingers on the table, a nervous habit she'd had.

"I shouldn't have pushed you." Rikku thought miserably as she watched the scene before her. "I'm sorry."

"That's no excuse!" Rikku exclaims in frustration.

"Sorry." Paine says, though she doesn't mean it.

"Come on!" Rikku urges her. "Just spit it out already!"

"I can't!" Paine gets up from her chair and starts to walk away.

"Can't or won't?!" Rikku demands, following behind her as she makes her way to the elevator.

"Listen, I cannot tell you when my birthday is!" She exclaims, throwing her hands up in frustration.

Tears filled Rikku's eyes then. Why she'd made such a big deal about it, she couldn't remember. She continued watching herself and Paine walk towards her. Paine stopped merely inches away from her. Rikku almost reached out to touch her, but she didn't want to interrupt the memory.

"You literally cannot? Are you really being this stubborn?!"

Paine is angry now. Rikku pushed her one too many times about this, and she knew it. "I'm not being stubborn!" she insists, and it only makes her sound all the more stubborn.

"Really? Than prove it! Why can't you tell us?! Why?!"

Paine loses it, Rikku never should have pushed her so far. "I'M AN ORPHAN!" She shouts. Tears of frustration fill her eyes.

Rikku stares at her in confusion. "A lot of people are orphans...what does that have to do with anything?"

"I was left in an orphanage in Bevelle as a new born!" she yells. "I don't know when I was born, or who my parents were! I don't even know my real name!" She wipes the tears from her eyes, only for them to fill again.

Rikku just stares at her in shock.

"I...I made up the name Paine. I never had a real one, and nobody cared to give me one. I'm nothing, Rikku. I'm a complete and total nobody. I was born with nothing, and I'll die with the same amount of nothing! Sorry if it's an inconvenience!" she says sarcastically before storming off, tears falling from her eyes.

Tears fill Rikku's eyes once more as the flashback faded. She didn't even bother to wonder whether it had been Pyre flies or her imagination. That day was the day she'd learned about Paine's past. She'd followed her up to the deck, and they'd just talked. Paine told her all about the abuse, and all the trauma of her childhood. That was the day Rikku adopted Paine as her big sister, and according to Paine, the first time she'd ever opened up to anyone about her past. This was why Rikku could never let her go, she had to be there for her, even after she died and everyone forgot about her.

Fighting back the tears, she walked up the stairs where her bed was. The first thing she did was collapse onto it and sob into her pillow. After several minutes her tears dried and she sat up. She scanned the room and spotted the Crimson Spheres and Garment Grid still on Paine's bed where she left them. She'd keep them, and then she'd always have something of Paine's to comfort her. Slowly she stood up and walked around her bed, trying to get to Paine's. She accidently knocked over the waste basket and it's contents came spilling out of it.

With a sigh she knelt down to pick the mess up, and noticed a piece of paper that had been balled up and thrown into the waste basket. She finished picking the mess up and then smoothed out the paper and began to read.

Rikku, Yuna, by now you've discovered I'm gone, and while the others might be shaken up by it, I know you are the only ones who will truly care.

More than anything, I want to say I'm sorry it had to be this way. I just...I can't take the pain anymore. Hmm...isn't that ironic.

I know you are both wondering why I left, wondering why things had to happen this way. Well...when we defeated Vegnagun everything was perfect. Spira was safe, we'd saved the Crimson Squad from killing itself from inside out. And yes, that all made me very happy, but most of all we had each other. For once I felt like a part of something, a real part of something. I never would have thought sphere hunting could be so fulfilling.

Well, when things settled they changed. We got more Gullwings, and the Crimson Squad got busy again...too busy to pay much attention to me. I can't blame them, or anyone for all of this, so don't go blaming yourselves. Baralai either, I know he'll blame himself for all this, so tell him I want him to stop all that. Change happens, and this wasn't the reason I left; it was the catalyst. After all this happened, I got to thinking; If being a sphere hunter was so easy that the Kinderguardians could do it, than what did that say about myself, about the Gullwings?

I started to doubt my own ability, but it didn't stop there. When I look back on my life, I feel like I've always been an observer, a sidekick if you will. Yuna, I know you will blame yourself for this, but it's not you it's me. I've never taken control of my life the way I always promised myself I would. So I've decided to leave, and now you know why. Listen, if I ever find myself, if I ever find out where I really belong, I'll come back to see you all again. I love you all so much; you have meant more to me than you ever could know.

Listen, if I cannot find my place in this world...I may leave it behind completely. I hate to say that, because I know you will worry, but you both have the right to know. You are after all, my best friends. If I do take my own life, there are some things I want you both to know.

Yuna, I know you plan on going to Besaid soon to settle down, and I hope that you do. I want you to live a normal life, it's the least you deserve after everything you've done for Spira. When I first met you I was surprised, I expected someone different. Your speech in Luca, two years ago, it filled me with hope. But I always wondered why you were so sad after defeating sin, I would have expected you to be overjoyed, but now I know you missed Tidus, and you were scarred from your pilgrimage. I am so happy you found him again. You have been a wonderful friend to me, and I wish you the utmost happiness. Goodbye. –Paine.

Rikku, I love you, but you need to let me go. If I fail, and I take my own life, I need you to know that I want you to live your life. I know you, and I know that if this has happened that you feel like you'll never be the same. I want you to smile again, Rikku. Spira was always a better place when you smiled, Gippal used to talk about that back in Crimson Squad training. I never believed someone's smile could be that bright, but yours is. Not just your smile, your energy. You always saw a different Spira than I did, one filled with hope and the strength to live on. Cheer up Rikku, I'm watching over you. I'll always be with you. See you in the Farplane –Paine.

Gippal, keep an eye on Rikku for me. And don't be sad because of what happened, Rikku isn't the only one who makes Spira a happier place. I want to say thank you, for teaching me Al Bhed, and annoying me enough to bring me out of my shell. Don't stop being annoying, it's one of your greatest talents. You have a nice laugh. You should use it more often. Thanks for everything –Paine.

Nooj, How ironic is it, that you were the death-seeker, and yet I am the one who is dead. You were always so straightforward and I admired that about you. I need you to do me a favor and talk some sense into this crazy world. I'm sorry this is the end of our friendship. You have taught me so much about life. Farewell –Paine.

Baralai, I'm so sorry. I know you will shut yourself away from everyone else, and I'm worried about you more than anyone else. You will blame yourself for all this, I know you will. Stop that. And see Nooj and Gippal more, they'll cheer you up better than I ever could. I was always too afraid to say this before, but since I'll either be dead or have found where I belong when you read this I'm not afraid to just come out and say it. I love you. Ever since we were kids, I've felt this way for you. I think you already kind of knew, but for once it feels good to say it. I know that you'll never feel the same way for me, and heck I don't blame you. I only hope you can recover from all the pain I've caused you. What can I say, it comes with the name. Please forgive me, I love you. –Paine

Rikku was sobbing as she finished the letter. The note went on to talk to Brother, Buddy, Tidus, and Shinra as well. Paine, had written her final farewell, and it had been there all along, and none of them had noticed it before! She had to send this for the others to see, and she'd do it as soon as possible. But in the moment all she could do was just sob. Paine had been ready to die, she may not have planned it that way, but she'd been ready to take her own life eventually anyway. That didn't exactly make it better, but Rikku planned on following her advice. Now that she had closure she had hope, and maybe someday everything would turn out perfect again, she'd just have to wait and see.

A/N Okay, so I wrote over half of this at like 1 in the morning, and it's way too long and unedited for the most part. So I'll apologize for how crappy this chapter was, and also for the fact that I missed Monday's update. (Though this chapter is hopefully long enough to make up for it.) Okay before anyone asks me this, this is not the end of the story. In fact we are probably in the middle somewhere. (This story will have somewhere between 22 & 24 chapters in all, so we still have a long way to go.) So thank you guys for reading this far, since this isn't one of the best stories ever, and it's taken me forever to write. So thank you guys for sticking with me this long. Thank you also for the votes and comments I've been getting, this story has been doing much better than I ever expected. So that makes me really happy. Thank you guys so much for reading this far, stay tuned for more Final Fantasy goodness. I love y'all -Reibun.