[TW: Description of blood (not self-harm), touching on the matter of suicide without although there are no attempts at the act, and depression ]

The desolate area of New York was searched by heroes and civilians alike, all looking for their loved ones. People mourned for the deaths of their family, friends, pets, and homes when realizing there was nothing left and all there was was shabby rundown and collapsed buildings that held the value of a pinch of sand. People felt hopeless and afraid realizing they were practically homeless and that they would never see the faces of loves ones.

Some people couldn't mourn, as they didn't have anything in the first place. Not particularly hopeless or content, just swimming in the middle.

Death hits people in different ways of varying degrees of hurt. Some none, some... well... they can't live any longer.

Anthony Stark was on that level of " Cant live any longer" following the death of Peter Parker, that he caused.

~~~

Flashback

~~~

Just as Anthony Stark was going to shoot Peter Parker with his repulser guns, he had a second of clarity—realizing what he had done and doing. Being trapped in his own mind, he could hear the begging of his son, begging that he come back to him and that he stop.

But Tony was helpless, being chained in his mind, a slave. Tony wanted to stop his body, but he had no control and was forced to watch as Peter battled him. Tony could see the pain in Peter's eyes which caused the billionaire to sob and harshly tug at his chains that scratched against his wrists.

"Peter, I hear you, I hear you." Tony sobbed, thick tears spilling over his cheeks onto his lap. Heaving through labored breaths, Tony stared down not wanting to witness what he was doing to his son.

"I love you Dad." Peter's eyes were resigned as if accepting his fate. Though while holding acceptance, Peter's eyes held sorrow but one that said "I love you."

The image of Peter's blooding painting the bricks would be forever etched into Tony's mind. The quick breath before stopping completely and his body collapsing back. The way blood drained from his face and an empty shell was left. The crimson liquid that splattered the scene and his suit.

Blood.

Blood.

Blood.

Blood.

That second of clarity felt like it stretched on forever. Tony was in control of his body and there was no way to take back what just happened.

Tony couldn't describe the pain that ran through his veins and the ugly scream that tore through his dry throat. The pain that left him on his knees with his face in his hands. The pain that caused him to only see the color red. Everything else was black and white. Red. Red. Red. Red.

The billionaire's mind shattered like glass, in pieces and never could be repaired. His very soul felt like it was darkening and screaming in agony as Tony thought of the young boy.

Why, why, why? Why didn't he realize sooner? Why couldn't he be stronger? Why couldn't he have saved Peter?

Why?

Screams echoed throughout the streets, forever haunting New York with the cries of a man who lost his world.

~~~

End of flashback

~~~

Tony was never the same after causing the young hero's death, ultimately ending endless possibilities for the boy. Numb was a feeling that became all too familiar to Anthony Stark.

A numb that left him wondering why he wasn't dead as well. Why he survived and not Peter.

Survivor's guilt would be one thing that Tony would be told he had. The guilt of not dying while other(s) did not.

Sometimes he wonders how it would feel to die first rather than last.

Tony didn't allow himself the pleasure of being in his lab or his lavish room or anything luxurious. He didn't feel the need to be spoiled when Peter was dead. Tony couldn't bear the guilt of killing him and not dying as well, along with having the opportunity to contribute living his life.

Tony hated anyone who tried to help him. Which is to say, he hated everyone that dare look at him.

The billionaire didn't know where he was, or who he was for that matter. It felt like he was floating in and endless pit of nothingness. Weightless and numb, not particularly struggling.

Who was he now that the important web-slinging intellectual being that was called Peter Parker was gone?

He certainly was not Anthony Stark without Peter Parker. Goes to show how attached Tony has gotten to him.

Nothing is real to Tony.

"If you're nothing without the suit, then maybe you shouldn't have it."

Sound vibrates through Tony's ear drums, causing the person in question to wince, but nevertheless look to where it came from.

As if a movie clip, Tony could see the moment when he told the web-slinging hero that word of advice. Tony reached out to touch it, but he lost feeling to everything in his body.

"Can we get ice cream, Dad?" Tony looked to the other side, where a similar looking movie-esque film was. Peter was smiling excitedly as he tugged in Tony's sleeve like a lost puppy. His eyes were glittered as his mouth turned up into a pout. Tony couldn't help but get ice cream with Peter. How could he not?

The corners of Tony's mouth curved up into a small smile.

"Thanks Dad! I swear I'll get better at this!" Peter pumped his fists in the air even if his face was scratched up from training. Tony vaguely remembers giving shaking his head and letting a chuckle while responding with "No doubt in my mind Pete"

A lone tear traced its way down Tony's cheek.

The next clip, Tony doesn't remember ever happening.

Peter sat in his desk, positioning what seems to be a camera. Peter nervously bit his lip before taking a deep breath.

"Hey Dad! It's Peter, as you can see," Peter gestures to himself with a a chuckle escaping his lips. "So, uh, I remember a thing I learned from my childhood therapist, which is to whenever I wanna vent, I record myself, and watch back on it. I usually feel waaaaaay better afterwards so this is what I'm doing." Peter took a deep breath.

"I think Thanos killed everyone? I haven't seen a person in weeks I think. I lost track of time...  anyways, I'm making a thingy so that if anything happens to me, someone will know what happened, and so I could say goodbye to people!" Though the weight of the sentence was sad, Peter wore a brave face on as if to reassure whoever was watching.

"Aunt May! Thank you thank you thaaaanak you for putting up with me after my parent's death. I was a nuisance to society wasn't I? My god, I wouldn't shut up, wouldn't I? I love you a lot, please don't forget that." Peter's eyes held joy—something Tony hadn't felt in a long time.

"MJ," Peter awkwardly finger gunned the camera. "Okay, I have no idea how to put my thoughts into words but I really do care for you a lot and I wish nothing but the best for you. I don't even know if I should say that I've loved you for a long time so that it won't weigh on you in the future, but I've said it now... so... MJ I love you, probably more than a friend should, but let's hope I can confess in person, I have lots more to say anyways." Peter scratched his heads with an adoring smile plastered on his face.

"Ned, my man! My man, my man. Oh where should I start? One, thank you for being my first friend ever. I really appreciate it, and your kindness has sculpted me into the guy you see right here. If it weren't for you, I'd probably be in a waaaay different place right now, but that's whatever. Build a BIG LEGO in my honor will you? I love you man, no homo." Peter broke out into a wide grin.

"Dad... hi. How are you? I mean that's kinda stupid question seeing as if you're seeing this, I'm probably dead, but yeah... hi. Thank you for being my father figure in life. I mean my real dad is dead and so is Uncle Ben...  and when I met you, I was star struck and amazed and I could not see myself eventually becoming your son figure! It's been an amazing time with you and I wouldn't want anything else but it. So, yeah. I love you loads and let's hope this video won't be needed right? Hey Dad, don't forget me. Don't let my death rule over any of you, got it? Goes for anyone who watched this that cares... about... me." Peter have a genuine smile and took a deep breath. "Thank you all, Peter Parker out."

Tony body felt like it was struck with a truck, but not in the sense he was in pain, but more like a wake up call. Maybe an electrical jumper would've been a better phrasing but that's whatever.

Tony closed his eyes and felt tears streak down his face. He purses his lips and his body stiffened trying to hold back tears.

"I love you too Peter and I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry for killing you."

Tony opened his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Hey Dad, don't forget me."

Fin.

A/N: Part 2 of Tony! Please

Northern Downpour is a song that will put me to sleep and make me cry at the same time so it's pretty nice.