Edit: yes, this is a crack fic.

1.

Peter Parker had always hated sleepy Falmouth with its unusual, uneven umbrellas. It was a place where he felt confident.

He was an intuitive, understanding, squash drinker with handsome eyelashes and fragile fingernails. His friends saw him as an ancient, ashamed angel. Once, he had even helped an uninterested baby flamingo recover from a flying accident. That's the sort of man he was.

Peter walked over to the window and reflected on his backward surroundings. The drizzle rained like loving badgers.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Tony Stark. Tony was a callous god with moist eyelashes and skinny fingernails.

Peter gulped. He was not prepared for Tony.

As Peter stepped outside and Tony came closer, he could see the bored glint in his eye.

Tony gazed with the affection of 724 optimistic adventurous aardvarks. He said, in hushed tones, "I love you and I want affection."

Peter looked back, even more stressed and still fingering the stripy record. "Tony, I ate your puppy," he replied.

They looked at each other with irritable feelings, like two rich, rainy rats talking at a very thoughtful disco, which had reggae music playing in the background and two ruthless uncles hopping to the beat.

Peter regarded Tony's moist eyelashes and skinny fingernails. "I feel the same way!" revealed Peter with a delighted grin.

Tony looked barmy, his emotions blushing like a huge, handsome hawk.

Then Tony came inside for a nice beaker of squash.

2.

Peter Parker was thinking about Wade Wilson again. Wade was a deranged monster with beautiful fingers and sloppy toenails.

Peter walked over to the window and reflected on his beautiful surroundings. He had always hated rural Sludgeside with its ratty, rapid rivers. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel barmy.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the a deranged figure of Wade Wilson.

Peter gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was an understanding, understanding, tea drinker with greasy fingers and sticky toenails. His friends saw him as a lazy, leaking lover. Once, he had even rescued a bumpy toddler from a burning building.

But not even an understanding person who had once rescued a bumpy toddler from a burning building, was prepared for what Wade had in store today.

The wind blew like smiling koalas, making Peter shocked. Peter grabbed a magic hawk that had been strewn nearby; he massaged it with his fingers.

As Peter stepped outside and Wade came closer, he could see the dead smile on his face.

"I am here because I want Internet access," Wade bellowed, in a brutal tone. He slammed his fist against Peter's chest, with the force of 7594 goldfish. "I frigging love you, Peter Parker."

Peter looked back, even more shocked and still fingering the magic hawk. "Wade, let's get married," he replied.

They looked at each other with healthy feelings, like two giant, gloopy goldfish bopping at a very callous Christening, which had piano music playing in the background and two callous uncles rampaging to the beat.

Suddenly, Wade lunged forward and tried to punch Peter in the face. Quickly, Peter grabbed the magic hawk and brought it down on Wade's skull.

Wade's beautiful fingers trembled and his sloppy toenails wobbled. He looked shocked, his body raw like a kaleidoscopic, knobbly knife.

Then he let out an agonising groan and collapsed onto the ground. Moments later Wade Wilson was dead.

Peter Parker went back inside and made himself a nice cup of tea.

3.

Once upon a time there was a wobbly boy called Peter Parker. He was on the way to see his best friend Ned Leeds, when he decided to take a short cut through Central Park.

It wasn't long before Peter got lost. He looked around, but all he could see were trees. Nervously, he felt into his bag for his favourite toy, Blankey, but Blankey was nowhere to be found! Peter began to panic. He felt sure he had packed Blankey. To make matters worse, he was starting to feel hungry.

Unexpectedly, he saw a naughty horse dressed in a green jumper disappearing into the trees.

"How odd!" thought Peter.

For the want of anything better to do, he decided to follow the peculiarly dressed horse. Perhaps it could tell him the way out of the forest.

Eventually, Peter reached a clearing. In the clearing were three houses, one made from runner beans, one made from jelly babies and one made from macarons.

Peter could feel his tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease his hunger.

"Hello!" he called. "Is anybody there?"

Nobody replied.

Peter looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of need.

A cackle broke through the air, giving Peter a fright. A witch jumped into the space in front of the houses. She was carrying a cage. In that cage was Blankey!

"Blankey!" shouted Peter. He turned to the witch. "That's my toy!"

The witch just shrugged.

"Give Blankey back!" cried Peter.

"Not on your nelly!" said the witch.

"At least let Blankey out of that cage!"

Before she could reply, two naughty horses rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the clearing. Peter recognised the one in the green jumper that he'd seen earlier. The witch seemed to recognise him too.

"Hello Big Horse," said the witch.

"Good morning." The horse noticed Blankey. "Who is this?"

"That's Blankey," explained the witch.

"Ooh! Blankey would look lovely in my house. Give it to me!" demanded the horse.

The witch shook her head. "Blankey is staying with me."

"Um... Excuse me..." Peter interrupted. "Blankey lives with me! And not in a cage!"

Big Horse ignored him. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" he asked the witch.

The witch thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."

Big Horse looked at the house made from macarons and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from macarons if I wanted to."

"That's nothing," said the next horse. "I could eat two houses."

"There's no need to show off," said the witch. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have Blankey."

Peter watched, feeling very worried. He didn't want the witch to give Blankey to Big Horse. He didn't think Blankey would like living with a naughty horse, away from his house and all his other toys.

The other one horses watched while Big Horse put on his bib and withdrew a knife and fork from his pocket.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Big Horse. "Just you watch!"

Big Horse pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from jelly babies. He gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

Eventually, Big Horse started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of jelly babies, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.

"Erm... I don't feel too good," said Big Horse.

Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!

"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.

Big Horse never finished eating the front door made from jelly babies and Blankey remained trapped in the witch's cage.

Average Horse stepped up, and approached the house made from macarons.

"I'll eat this whole house," said Average Horse. "Just you watch!"

Average Horse pulled off a corner of the front door of the house made from macarons. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.

   And more.

      And more.

After a while, Average Horse started to look a little queasy. She grew greener...

   ...and greener.

A woodcutter walked into the clearing. "What's this bush doing here?" he asked.

"I'm not a bush, I'm a horse!" said Average Horse.

"It talks!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Those talking bushes are the worst kind. I'd better take it away before somebody gets hurt."

"No! Wait!" cried Average Horse, as the woodcutter picked her up. But the woodcutter ignored her cries and carried the horse away under his arm.

Average Horse never finished eating the front door made from macarons and Blankey remained trapped in the witch's cage.

"That's it," said the witch. "I win. I get to keep Blankey."

"Not so fast," said Peter. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from runner beans. And I haven't had a turn yet.

"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the witch. "My game. My rules."

The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give him a chance. It's only fair."

"Fine," said the witch. "But you saw what happened to the horses. He won't last long."

"I'll be right back," said Peter.

"What?" said the witch. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted Blankey back."

Peter ignored the witch and gathered a hefty pile of sticks. He came back to the clearing and started a small camp fire. Carefully, he broke off a piece of the door of the house made from runner beans and toasted it over the fire. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, he took a bite. He quickly devoured the whole piece.

Peter sat down on a nearby log.

"You fail!" cackled the witch. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."

"I haven't finished," explained Peter. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."

When Peter's food had digested, he broke off another piece of the door made from runner beans. Once more, he toasted his food over the fire and waited for it to cool just a little. He ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.

Eventually, after several sittings, Peter was down to the final piece of the door made from runner beans. Carefully, he toasted it and allowed it to cool just a little. He finished his final course. Peter had eaten the entire front door of the house made from runner beans.

The witch stamped her foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" she said. "I don't reward cheating!"

"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "This little boy won fair and square. Now hand over Blankey or I will chop your broomstick in half."

The witch looked horrified. She grabbed her broomstick and placed it behind her. Then, huffing, she opened the door of the cage.

Peter hurried over and grabbed Blankey, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, Blankey was unharmed.

Peter thanked the woodcutter, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet Ned. It was starting to get dark.

When Peter got to Ned's house, his best friend threw his arms around him.

"I was so worried!" cried Ned. "You are very late."

As Peter described his day, he could tell that Ned didn't believe him. So he grabbed a napkin from his pocket.

"What's that?" asked Ned.

Peter unwrapped a doorknob made from jelly babies. "Pudding!" he said.

Ned almost fell off his chair

4.

In a house there lived a chubby, chubby ogre named Peter Parker. Not a ribbed noisy, ripped house, filled with trousers and a pretty smell, nor yet a magical, quiet, short house with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was an ogre-house, and that means comfort.

One day, after a troubling visit from the elf Natasha Romanoff, Peter leaves his house and sets out in search of three sleepy bananas. A quest undertaken in the company of trolls, old folk and beautiful goblins.

In the search for the elf-guarded bananas, Peter Parker surprises even himself with his resourcefulness and skill as a doctor.

During his travels, Peter rescues a teapot, an heirloom belonging to Natasha. But when Natasha refuses to try bopping, their friendship is over.

However, Natasha is wounded at the Battle of Hastings and the two reconcile just before Peter engages in some serious bopping.

Peter accepts one of the three sleepy bananas and returns home to his house a very wealthy ogre.

5.

A long, long time ago in a sloppy, sloppy galaxy...

After leaving the hot planet Klendathu, a group of goblins fly toward a distant speck. The speck gradually resolves into a stripy, space hall.

Civil war strikes the galaxy, which is ruled by Clint Barton, an evil goblin capable of gluttony and even man slaughter.

Terrified, a minuscule ghost known as Steve Rogers flees the Empire, with his protector, Peter Parker.

They head for Plymouth on the planet Pluto. When they finally arrive, a fight breaks out. Parker uses his sloppy rope to defend Steve.

Parker and Ghost Steve decide it's time to leave Pluto and steal a fire engine to shoot their way out.

They encounter a tribe of elves. Parker is attacked and the ghost is captured by the elves and taken back to Plymouth.

Parker must fight to save Ghost Steve but when he accidentally unearths a scrawny ruler, the entire future of the sloppy, hot galaxy is at stake.

6.  (This is in script form)

Understanding lawyer Peter Parker is arguing with incredible doctor Michelle Jones. Peter tries to hug Michelle but she shakes him off.

Peter
Please Michelle, don't leave me.

Michelle
I'm sorry Peter, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

Peter
I am such a person!

Michelle frowns.

Michelle
I'm sorry, Peter. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

Michelle leaves.

Peter sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, sympathetic author Ned Leeds barges in looking flustered.

Peter
Goodness, Ned! Is everything okay?

Ned
I'm afraid not.

Peter
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

Ned
It's ... a monster ... I saw an evil monster squish a bunch of kittens!

Peter
Defenseless kittens?

Ned
Yes, defenseless kittens!

Peter
Bloomin' heck, Ned! We've got to do something.

Ned
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

Peter
You can start by telling me where this happened.

Ned
I was...

Ned fans himself and begins to wheeze.

Peter
Focus Ned, focus! Where did it happen?

Ned
a library! That's right - a library!

Peter springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

PETER rushes along the street, followed by Ned. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. A LIBRARY - SHORTLY AFTER

AJHA AKBABA a cowardly monster terrorises two kittens.

PETER, closely followed by Ned, rushes towards AJHA, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

Ned
What is is? What's the matter?

Peter
That's not just any old monster, that's Ajha Akbaba!

Ned
Who's Ajha Akbaba?

Peter
Who's Ajha Akbaba? Who's Ajha Akbaba? Only the most cowardly monster in the universe!

Ned
Blinkin' knickers, Peter! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly monster in the universe!

Peter
You can say that again.

Ned
Blinkin' knickers, Peter! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly monster in the universe!

Peter
I'm going to need rifles, lots of rifles.

Ajha turns and sees Peter and Ned. She grins an evil grin.

AJHA
Peter Parker, we meet again.

Ned
You've met?

Peter
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young Peter is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees AJHA. He takes off his headphones.

AJHA
Would you like some jelly tots?

Peter's eyes light up, but then he studies AJHA more closely, and looks uneasy.

Peter
I don't know, you look kind of cowardly.

AJHA
Me? No. I'm not cowardly. I'm the least cowardly monster in the world.

Peter
Wait, you're a monster?

Peter runs away, screaming.

EXT. A LIBRARY - PRESENT DAY

AJHA
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

Ned
(To PETER) You ran away?

Peter
(To Ned) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

Peter turns to AJHA.

Peter
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

Peter runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

Peter
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rifles.

AJHA
I'm not scared of you.

Peter
You should be.

EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY

Peter and Ned walk around searching for something.

Peter
I feel sure I left my rifles somewhere around here.

Ned
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rifles.

Peter
You know nothing Ned Leeds.

NED
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, AJHA appears, holding a pair of rifles.

AJHA
Looking for something?

Ned
Crikey, Peter, she's got your rifles.

Peter
Tell me something I don't already know!

Ned
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

Peter
I know that already!

Ned
I'm afraid of dust.

AJHA
(appalled) Dude!

While AJHA is looking at Ned with disgust, Prte9 lunges forward and grabs his deadly rifles. He wields them, triumphantly.

Peter
Prepare to die, you cowardly courgette!

AJHA
No please! All I did was squish a bunch of kittens!

Michelle enters, unseen by any of the others.

Peter
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Peter Parker defender of innocent kittens.

AJHA
Don't hurt me! Please!

Peter
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rifles on you right away!

AJHA
Because Peter, I am your mother.

Peter looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

Peter
No you're not!

AJHA
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

AJHA tries to grab the rifles but PETER dodges out of the way.

Peter
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, AJHA slumps to the ground.

Ned
Did she just faint?

Peter
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly rifles.

PETER crouches over AJHA's body.

Ned
Be careful, Peter. It could be a trick.

Peter
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Ajha Akbaba is dead!

Peter
What?

Peter
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

Ned claps his hands.

Ned
So your rifles did save the day, after all.

Michelle steps forward.

Michelle
Is it true? Did you kill the cowardly monster?

PETER
Michelle how long have you been...?

Michelle puts her arm around Peter

Michelle
Long enough.

Peter
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Ajha Akbaba.

Michelle
Then the kittens are safe?

Peter
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

Michelle
You are their hero.

The kittens bow to Peter

Peter
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Ajha Akbaba will never squish kittens ever again, is enough for me.

Michelle
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the kittens passes Peter a tinkling bell

Michelle
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

Peter
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

Peter
Well, if you insist.

Peter takes the bell.

Peter
Thank you.

The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

Peter turns to Michelle.

Peter
Does this mean you want me back?

Michelle
Oh, Peter, of course I want you back!

Peter smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

Peter
Well you can't have me.

Michelle
WHAT?

Peter
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a monster to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

Michelle
But...

Peter
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Ned

Ned grins.

Michelle
But...

Ned
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

Michelle
Peter?

Peter
I'm sorry Michelle, but I think you should skidaddle.

Michelle leaves.

Ned turns to Peter.

Ned
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

Peter
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly Ned stops.

Ned
When I said I'm afraid of dust, you know I was just trying to distract the monster don't you?

Plot generators are amazing 😂

I hope you liked these short stories and all that jazz.

I'll be coming out with a few 5+1's soon so be on the lookout :)

Love all you Cucumbers!

🥒 "oH mEh GoD, iTs A sAlTy CuCuMbEr"