I SEARCHED ALL OVER the palace for Calder and couldn't find him, so I decided to wait for him in my chamber, knowing--or at least hoping--that he would come find me eventually. The healer caught up with me earlier to tell me Calder's therapy went ok, accept for the fact of the muscle weakness.

He stumbled and fell a few times during the session, something I knew he wouldn't want to talk about. I only hoped he would continue it despite that though, because if I knew Calder at all, the simplest mistakes he made today had him frustrated. He relied who he was so solely on his knighthood, and I didn't want him to feel his identity was taken from him now.

It wasn't until nightfall when the rest of the palace had gone to sleep that Calder quietly snuck into my chamber like he used to do.

"Hey," he greeted, quietly shutting the door behind him and removing his sword holster.

"You know you don't have to be so secretive anymore," I told him from where I sat on the bed. "Everyone knows."

Calder smiled softly and walked over to sit down next to me. "I've heard. Gossip does not stay quiet when it's being spilled, especially while I'm walking by. But no matter that everyone here knows of our dalliance, I still want to protect your honor. I believe they think I've taken it from you. I'll continue to be vigilant when I come to stay with you at night, regardless."

I snorted, "My honor? How knightly of you."

Calder smirked and bowed his head. "At your service, My Queen."

I placed a hand agaisnt his cheek that caused him to raise his head and look at me again. I brushed his bruises and cuts, speaking quietly over the crackle of the flames in the fireplace.

"Your Queen. It sounds so silly to me," I said. "But you're my knight, aren't you? My Prince."

"I am no prince, Eerika," he replied quietly. "I am barely a knight. All I am is a man, as. . .broken and imperfect as I am."

"But you are mine," I delcared, just barely brushing my lips agaisnt his.

"Always," he breathed against them, entangling his hand into the back of my hair to connect us.

I pulled apart with a smile, leaning my forehead onto his and running my fingers through the silk of his hair as the air between us grew still. His thumb traced circles onto my hip, his other hand cupped agaisnt my face. I breathed in his strong scent, the frosty lavender musk and pine that had haunted my dreams for two months sparking through my senses like a drug. I had almost forgotten what he smelled like being away from him for so long, the aroma making me dizzy.

I melted into his hard arms holding me so gentle and his fingers dancing up and down my hips and back that had been nothing but imagination until now. I wanted to tell him how much I had missed this, missed him, to reassure him about the things he said to Thorne earlier. I knew that conversation was going to have to come up, and I needed to do it now as much as it might cause tension between us.

"I missed this," I say after a while of laying down with him, my head on his chest with his heart drumming in my ear.

"As have I," he agreed softly. "I. . .thought about it a lot while I was in that dungeon. I would dream that I was here laying with you, kissing your lips and touching your skin. But each time I woke you'd be gone, and back there on the stone floor I would be."

I quickly raised my head, touching his neck with a small shake of my head. "I'm here now. And I will never let that happen to you again."

His face was soft in the firelight, but I could still see the hidden pain and conflict behind it. He took my hand from his neck and kissed my wrist, traveling down my arm until I connected my lips to his. I laid my head agaisnt the pillow as he propped himself onto his elbow, leaning over me to fully immerse into the kiss. They then connected to my neck, placing one soft peck in a row down to my shoulder. He softly pulled the sleeve of my nightgown down to reveal it, kissing me there before melting into my mouth again.

It was like he could read my mind and knew just how to get me distracted so I wouldn't ask of his conversation with Thorne. I wanted nothing more than to let myself go into this sweet moment, but I just couldn't shake his words from my mind. If I didn't stop myself now I would end up not asking him at all.

I pulled apart from his kiss, trying to keep my smile genuine. I brushed his long bangs from his gray eyes I had yet to ask about either.

"I heard you talking to Thorne today," I told him, coming right out with it.

His shoulders immediately tensed, and he turned his gaze away. Slowly sitting up his back was now facing me, and he froze.

"What did you easedrop on this time?" he asked in a low tone.

I sat up and crawled over to sit closer to him. "I heard the whole thing, actually. I was coming to check on how your therapy was going, and I saw you run into him. I didn't want to make things tense, so I. . .waited around the corner until you both left."

Calder chuckled sarcastically, "Why am I not surprised?"

"Hey, don't get upset with me over this," I said, trying to keep the irritation from my tone. "I heard what I needed to, what you've been keeping from me."

"Keeping from you? That is far from fair, Eerika."

"Fair? How is telling someone you don't even know about something as big as wanting to kill yourself when you were young instead of your girlfriend even one percent fair?"

"You weren't supposed to know anything of that," he spat back, making my irritation now burn.

"But Thorne can? You do realize he would have told me eventually, right? He's my best friend, Calder. Why didn't you say something a long time ago?"

"Because it shames me, Eerika, do you not see that? It shows my weakness, weakness that I never want you to have to witness. My scars signify it enough."

I paused a moment and stared at the back of his head, he refusing to turn or look at me. I felt more angry over these words than anything, knowing that he still thought I saw him as weak and fragile, but that was so far from the case.

"Is that what you think of me? That hearing your broken moments, just like seeing your new scars, would make me see you as weak? That is utter bullshit, Calder."

"It isn't when I tried to do it again four days ago," he mumbled, now a crack in his voice.

I felt a pain in my chest now remembering the knife I saw under the bed by Calder's feet. He must have thrown it to the ground in his frustration, after. . .

Tears pricked my eyes, my hand slowly reaching out to touch his shoulder. Calder let out a shuddered breath he must have been holding in, his hand going on top of mine. I moved to wrap my arms around him from behind, his hands gripping onto them tightly.

"Why?" I asked him, my own voice coming out quiet and raspy.

He slowly shook his head. "My mind was still there, Eerika. It still is even now. Her voice was in my head telling me to just end it. That you would be better off without me. It was like. . .blood was coated over my eyes and all I could see was the red knife."

"My life would be nothing without you Calder Hansen, don't you ever think otherwise!"

"I know," he replied, his body going solid agaisnt me. "I curse myself for being so selfish in that moment, to even think of parting myself from you. I'm so sorry."

He then turned around and hushed me, wiping away my tears. "Please, do not cry, min kjærlighet. Not for me."

"I'm sorry," I told him, "I'm sorry I didn't see your struggle that deep down, that I wasn't there when you started feeling that way. What. . .what stopped you?"

Calder forced a small smile. "You did. Just as it was in the prison, I remembered your face, and it reminded me that I still have something to live for. Sylvi can try to break me, but she cannot take away my fight to be with you. Just as I will vow with every bone in my body that she will not take you from me."

I tightened my lips together to keep them from quivering, bringing them to Calder's. He kissed me with an ounce of desperation, tasting the pain against his mouth. I pulled apart and placed both hands on his face, gently gripping it to show my firm assurance.

"I never want you to feel that way again," I told him. "You told Thorne I was everything to you. But you are so much more than even that to me, Calder. You are my breath, my heart, my universe. Don't ever think you're any less than that. I wish I could tell you about just how much I feel, but. . .you don't want to be bound to me, and I understand you think it's for my safety, and I have to accept it. But I just wish we had the freedom to be connected like that.

I've heard those words so many times in the human world, seeing how happy it made the people who were being given that gift. Even coming from parents to children, it means everything. I. . .still feel that small connection inside to Hanir and Linnea because of it, and even from the one time I heard it from my parents in the vision. But that one isn't quite the same where I was just a baby. Who ever knew three exact little words could do such a thing to the fey."

"Nothing would make my existence worth living more than to be bound to you forever, Eerika," Calder explained. "I want to tell you those words in every touch of my hands and in every kiss I place upon you. I do so much I can scarcely breathe when I think of it. But we just can't.

Love between the fey has been so sacred since the beginning of time that it is a physical bond when the words are proclaimed. You are no longer a single person once you're bound. You are two, your soul and the other faery's. The two souls become one and it's like a magnetic force. You move, they move, what you feel they feel too.

Your soul knows when theirs is near, aching until you are reunited. If one of the lovers dies, the other's soul is tormented for the rest of the faery's existence. Would you even want to be locked into such a thing eternally, Eerika? You know that because I am a quarter human, my soul may continue to age me. If it does, I will leave you one day, and you will have to go on for the sake of the kingdom. Could you live with that?"

Hearing all of this now, I wasn't sure I knew. I wanted to be connected to Calder forever, but the thought of losing him one day and my soul suffering on inside scared me. Death was possible even for the immortal, from the threat of war or evil. It had to come for everyone, eventually, faery or human.

But to think one day Calder would die having never heard those words from me terrified me more. If we had both been fully human and met in the ephemeral world like any normal person, it would be so much different. We would both be together and then die one day, of old age or accident or sickness, but we would have heard at least once that we loved one another.

Those three words were like a beast trying to rip out of me now, scratching up my throat with its razor sharp claws. And yet my mouth was the cage to slam shut when it was so close to escaping, keeping it locked away. How long could I hold it off before it broke free? Once the words were out there was no going back for my soul, even if Calder never said them back.

"I would live with that any way I had to, just to have you even for a little while, Calder."

Calder's face changed, adding a mix of love and sadness to his pain. He may not have been able to tell me so, but I saw it so clear in him. He loved me so ardently, and I loved him just as much. No matter how long we had, wether that be forever or just a moment, I would take that and love him with it, without words.

"Come here," I told Calder, gently pulling him in and kissing his bruised, tender lips once more.

When we broke he wrapped his arms around me and held me as tight as he could, grunting from his still-fresh injuries. We laid down again and let the fireplace and wind blowing outside my balcony be the only noise left for tonight.

I wanted to sleep but I just couldn't help thinking over what Calder had told Thorne. Knowing he had wanted to die in his past and in that vulnerable moment four days ago all broke my heart. Realizing I was his reason for being alive in more ways than one made me happy to hear because I meant that much, but it also put pressure on me and our relationship.

I felt now more than ever that I had to keep myself out of trouble not just for the kingdom's sake, but for Calder's. I didn't want to be the reason he went on in agony or let himself die if he ever lost me, just as he felt towards me if we became bound. I felt a sudden crossroads between us, and I didn't understand it nor realize what I should do about it.

What if Sylvi never could be defeated? Would Calder keep his heart and soul locked away from mine just for my safety? I was so open to him, at least I thought, but the doubt began to creep its way into my brain as I laid there. Could I put Calder through the same pain he refused to put me through just for the fear of losing each other to Sylvi's wrath or his age? Were we forced to live like paramours for the rest of our days, the Romeo and Juliet of faery fantasy?

I laid agaisnt Calder's chest for what felt like hours without shutting an eye, and neither did his. His hand ran slowly up and down my arm, kissing my hair every now and then just as a comfort. Snow had started pouring outside the balcony window, the moon making flakey shadows dance across our faces. Finally we fell asleep there, my entire nerves relaxing now, at least for the night. Calder was here with me again, and right now that was all I wanted and needed.

I didn't know what time it was in the night that I was awoken to Calder not being next to me. Still half asleep I jolted up, my eyes darting around the dark room. They then landed on a figure sitting at the edge of my bed, my chest releasing its tightness.

"Calder," I addressed him quietly, but didn't get a response.

I moved my blankets off of me and crawled over to him. His body was hunched over, elbows on his knees. His hands were going back and forth from tugging at his hair to covering his ears, eyes tightly shut. He was shaking again just like he had been before, his breaths shallow.

I didn't think he realized I was there, so I reached out to touch him. But I hesitated as he began mumbling to himself through clenched teeth.

"Get out. Get out of my head. Get out of my head, get out. Get out!"

He began beating the side of his fist agaisnt his forehead and I knew I had to intervene now before he hurt himself. I grasped his arm, using what little strength I could against his to pull his fist away.

"Calder, it's ok, stop," I told him, bringing him out of his thoughts.

He jerked his head around to look at me, gray eyes wide. He then furrowed his brows at me, taking his shaking hand to stroke his thumb down my cheek.

"You're ok," I assured him, touching my forehead to his. "I'm here."

His lips then connected to mine deeply, making my core ignite. His hands traveled to my waist, squeezing it just to feel my realness entirely. I felt his pain and fear in every movement of his mouth and hands, making my own pain and fear for him surface.

How long would he be like this? Would his trauma haunt him for the rest of his days if I couldn't pull him from his darkness this time? And who was he begging to leave his head? Was Sylvi's voice still there, her icy words slithering around inside as if she was right there taunting him in person?

I pulled from him and held his scruffy face, brushing his disheveled hair away from his eyes. "Come back to bed."

His jaw clenched agaisnt my palm, but he gave a single nod and laid back down. He brought me into his arms, and I listened to his heart going crazy inside him. After a while he grew so still I thought he had fallen back to sleep before his words echoed into the silence.

I just need you to be patient with me, min kjærlighet," he whispered.

I snuggled deeper into him, nudging my face into the crook of his neck. "I'll wait as long as you need me to," I assured. "What. . .does min kjærlighet mean?"

Calder paused, snaking his arm tighter around my waist and pressing his cheek agaisnt my forehead.

"'My love'," he replied.