A FEW DAYS PASSED and finally Calder was starting to physically recover. He was still bruised and scratched pretty much everywhere, and he continued being wrapped up with the medicinal bandages as his burns and open wounds were still healing. His mind was what worried me though. He was starting to slowly get his old self back, being the strong, warm person I had grown to love, but yet still there was something off.

He was distant, quiet, much like the Calder I first met. I would be talking to him like we used to, and then he would just shut down on me and stare off like he was in another world. He would still hold me and stroke my hands or face, but his eyes said it all. The same Calder who left from that battlefield was not the same man that returned to me. Not yet.

I woke up earlier than normal so I could get a headstart on Eeira's duties and then give the rest of my day to Calder. The healer had said that he would need a small amount of physical rehabilitation for his leg, because the muscle would be weak from now on with the injury he sustained. Nothing major, just strength training, but still it worried me not only that Calder would reject it, but that it would shake his confidence having to do the therapy.

He was so stubborn headed not wanting anyone's help, but I couldn't say much regarding it because I was the same way. The therapy would help his leg if he accepted it, I was sure of that. But I just didn't know what was going to help his PTSD.

I rushed into my duties like a time bomb was strapped to my chest, finishing the food decisions, cleaning, and maid orders within record time. Calder was able to take solid food now, as little as he would eat, so I brought some to him on my way to his room. When I walked in I was surprised to see him standing, dressing for the day in his armor. I hadn't told him yet of his position being given to Thorne, and I mentally slapped myself. The news now was going to bite harder than if I just had given it to him when he arrived.

"What are you doing, Mr.?" I asked him with a smirk as I walked over and set his tray down on the bed. "You shouldn't be returning to knighting just yet. Not until the healer and I approve you."

"I've been in that damn bed for four days, if I can't go on patrol I'm at least getting out of this room," he replied, clasping his cloak on.

"You have rehabilitation today for your leg," I reminded him, "You can't do that in your armor. Sit down, eat, get your strength up for the day. Go to your therapy and then we'll talk about. . .some things."

His head turned to me, eyes that were still gray going up and down me with a questionably uneasy look. "What things?"

I opened my mouth and then quickly closed it, not sure what to even say. How would I go about this? Would he be angry?

He looked at me even the more puzzled and then turned to face me head on. "Eerika?"

I sighed, looking down. Calder may have still not been his full self, but he knew without a doubt when I was keeping something from him.

"Uh, sit down and eat, I'll tell you."

"I'm not hungry," he mumbled, sitting down and refusing to look at the food. "You should eat yourself. You look thinner since. . .the last time I saw you."

I chuckled a little as I joined him on the bed. "Yeah, well, constantly worrying you were dead didn't exactly give me an appetite."

It was silent for a moment before he turned and looked at me. "What is it you have to tell me?"

I fiddled with my fingers, my own gaze faultering to look at him. "Well," I began, "I need to know you. . .won't be angry over the news."

"I could never be angry at you, Eerika. Not over anything."

"It's not me you would get angry at, it's Eeira and the Clan. Even though Eeira's gone-"

"Eeira's gone? What happened? Did she die?"

"No, actually," I explained, "She. . .was very controlling after you left. She kept me in a drug induced coma for three weeks after the battle, and kept me on figurative chains since I woke. Finally I'd had enough, so I banished her. If I'd kept her here, I don't think I would have been able to bring you back to the palace. I felt a little bad about it after giving her that fate, but. . .I know it was the best decision."

Calder smiled softly and grabbed my hand. "If she was being this way, then it was the best course of action. Do not doubt what you believe is best for the kingdom and yourself."

I nodded, biting my lip. "The other thing is. . .with you being gone, there had to be someone to take on your captaincy of the guard. Eeira gave it to a man from the village who helped immensely during Sylvi's attack. I fought back on it, saying it was no one else's but yours and that you would be captain again when you came back, but. . .I don't know about that now. I'm not sure if the Clan will give it back to you, or if the man will give it up."

I watched Calder nod slowly at my words, clenching his jaw as he looked down at his lap. "This man, was he the one who helped you save me?"

"Yes. He's a great guy, Calder. He's done the captaincy right while you've been gone."

Calder chuckled through his nose a little sarcastically. "Sounds like you've spent time with him."

"I have," I admitted, "He was there for me when I needed someone to talk to and get advice from."

Calder paused, looking up at me with slight hurt now hidden in the sea of gray. "Is that all?"

I knew immediately what he was getting at, and I quickly grabbed his cloak collar to pull him into a deep kiss.

"Calder Hansen," I began, shaking my head with a small smile. "How could you assume I would ever want to be with anyone else but you?"

This made Calder smile, making me feel triumphant of causing the gesture with how down he had been. "My dearest apologies, My Queen."

"You are forgiven," I played back, "Just don't ever suggest such a thing again. Thorne is a friend, and will only ever be just that. In fact now that I even think about us together, I suddenly feel the need to vomit. Gross!"

Calder laughed, kissing me again. I leaned my forehead agaisnt his and feather-touched the bruise on his lip. We stayed like that a moment with his armor plated arms around my waist before he stood once more. He removed his armor down to just his button shirt and pants.

"Alright," he said, finally giving in, "I'll go to my rehabilitation. But after, I will be making a round of the castle. It does me good. It. . .clears my head."

"What about your captaincy?" I wondered. "Are you going to ask the Clan to reinstate you?"

"No. I do not think I am at the mindset to return to that duty yet. If my head is not on straight I cannot command my men the way they should be commanded. And I can't protect you the way you need to be protected. That man Thorne can have it until I feel myself again."

He turned and made his way to the door, but suddenly stopped. He froze a moment, stretching his neck as if it pained him. I assumed it was from being in his bed for so long and just now getting up and moving, but then I watched him clutch his head and stumble forward.

He pressed his other hand into the table by the door to catch himself, grunting as his face twisted into a look of severe pain. He squeezed his eyes closed and clenched his teeth, making the fear swim into my core.

I ran over and steadied him, having to say his name twice to get a response. "Calder? Calder what's wrong?"

"Nothing," he mumbled, shaking his head like he was getting rid of the feeling. "I just. . .got a pain in my head for a moment. I'm fine."

He then quickly slipped out the door, leaving me alone in my worry and confusion.

I finished the rest of the duties in good time, though I was distracted with most of it that I didn't remember what I'd done. I could have done something twice for all I knew, but my worry over Calder took presidence in my thoughts at the moment.

I didn't like that pain in his head he experienced earlier, adding onto the list of other things wrong with him. And then the fact that he just brushed it and me off made me more uneasy. I wanted to talk to him about everything he experienced in that prison, maybe to not only to understand what he went through, but to help him get past his trauma.

It was so much worse for him than what he dealt with during his youth, maybe even when she tried to have him killed those seven years ago. He was close to death then, but I would never let him get back to that again.

Now that I was finished with my work I decided to go see how Calder was doing with his therapy. I hoped he was already done so we could both crash for the evening. Now that he was recovered to the point that I could sleep next to him again, I wanted to take the advantage. My nights had been so cold without him, and just to feel him there and hear his heartbeat would put my worries at ease at least for the night.

Walking down the corridor I noticed Thorne coming my way, and I thought now would be a good time to talk to him where I hadn't since Calder's surgery. I opened my mouth to call him over until Calder came out of the infirmary door. He stood face to face with Thorne, and I quickly hid behind the corner wall to see what would happen.

The two men stood frozen and stared at each other a moment. I couldn't see Calder's face, but I knew him well enough to say without a doubt that his expression was stone.

Thorne looked him up and down, forcing a smile. "Hey, man. How are you doing? Must be pretty good, to see you up and walking."

"I'm fine," was Calder's reply, a hint of hostility behind it.

Great, I cringed inside. Now I'll have to deal with them at each other's throats all the time.

I knew right off Thorne could sense the cold aura radiating off Calder, so he took that as a sign to walk on.

"Well alright then. Good. I guess I'll see you around."

He then brushed past Calder, and I slid further into the corner thinking that was the end of it. But then Calder spoke, his back staying to Thorne who halted behind him.

"I'm not going to thank you for saving my life, because you endangered hers."

Thorne turned around to face him once more and crossed his arms, opening his mouth to probably give some cocky remark before Calder turned as well and spoke again.

"But, I must say that I am grateful for your protection over her while I was gone. Eerika. . .is my reason for still being alive."

Thorne dryly chuckled. "Yeah, I think saving your ass has a lot to do with that. You look like shit, by the way."

"That's not what I mean," Calder explained with a soft shake of his head. "Since bringing Eerika home, she has been the sole reason I have something left to hold onto in this life. I had nothing before her. I was nothing but a body walking around with darkness and hatred inside of me. I had no will to live and yet no way to end my suffering.

Believe me, I'd tried. . .so many times. The nightmares, the flashbacks I had every time I closed my eyes of everything Sylvi has done to me since I was old enough to remember--they drove me insane the first few years I lived in the palace. I was constantly on edge thinking Sylvi would realize any day that I was still alive and come for me, and that I would die by my own hand before I became her prisoner again.

But each time I came to my breaking point, I just couldn't plunge the knife in. I realized once I had met Eerika that she was the reason why. It has always been her, even when we first met and I tried to keep her away. I've never told her that."

Tears pooled in my eyes at hearing Calder's confession and the vulnerability in his voice, and I wanted nothing more than to come out of hiding and go to him. But I knew even though Calder was not the closed-off person he used to be that even if I showed myself now he would shut down the conversation. I had to stay still and silent.

Thorne smirked a little despite the heaviness of the topic. "You tried to keep her away, huh? You didn't think you were good for her."

"I know I'm not the man Eerika deserves. Because of whom I share my blood with I am a constant danger to her. But I couldn't block out what my heart wanted, as hard as I tried. I couldn't explain the connection I felt when we met. It was magnetic, like lightning to metal; but just as deadly if you're touching it when the lightning strikes. I am with the woman I was trained for sixteen years to hate and to kill. And perhaps that is my punishment for all of the pain and destruction that I caused during my youth."

Thorne paused to take in Calder's words. "Well, I can say I get how you feel on that part. Because of my reckless actions during my own youth, my punishment was losing my sister to one of your mother's men. I wasn't the brother she deserved. But I think Eerika would agree with me on this--even though I've kinda pinpointed you as a pain in the ass just in the five minutes of standing here, you are the man Eerika deserves. You did what I couldn't do for my sister. You sacrificed yourself for her, you protect her. If that isn't the greatest act of true love then I don't think it even exists. You do love her, don't you?"

"Of course I love her," Calder confessed with desperation in his voice. I covered my mouth to suppress my surprise.

"But you and I both know I can never speak those words to her," he continued. "I won't tie ourselves together and cause her more danger, especially not heartache in the chance she might ever lose me. I can't put her through that."

"You put her through enough while you were gone," Thorne pointed with slight annoyance. "She was broken, half of herself without you and not knowing if you were alive or dead. It doesn't matter if you're bound to each other or not. She would still be hurt if she ever lost you."

"I know. And I'll never forgive myself for the pain and worry I caused her. I made a promise to her and I severed her trust in me when I broke it. But I did what I had to do to keep her safe, which I would do a thousand times again. Any evil, any faery, any creature can rip me to pieces, but I will be damned if I let anything touch her ever again.

Eerika is everything to me. And she will be for the rest of my existence, wether it be immortal eventually or I continue to age. Until the last beat of my heart I will fight for her and protect her, no matter what becomes of me. That is a vow I will not break."

Thorne stared at Calder in silence, his brows furrowed as if surveying him. "Why are you telling me all of this? It isn't any of my business or concern, and besides that fact, we just met. Not to mention I kind of stole your captaincy from you so I can't say I don't feel some hostility from you regarding that. Really you should be telling Eerika all that lovey-dovey crap. She would understand you a hell of a lot better than I do."

"I am not. . .capable of being in charge of the men right now. My mind is not in the right state, and neither is my body. I'm sure the Clan wouldn't grant the position back to me anyway with my circumstance. As for Eerika, she would not understand what I've told you. She's stubborn. She doesn't agree with my ways of protecting her."

"Yeah, that's because she loves you, man," Thorne told him. "And believe me, I know just how stubborn. It's like trying to push down a wall with your bare hands."

Calder gave a light laugh through his nose. "That's my girl. Our Queen. Not only can I not live without her but neither can this kingdom. You have to agree with me on that."

Thorne rubbed the back of his neck in slight defeat of the argument. "Yes, I do. But I still don't see how this involves me."

"Eerika told me that while I was away, you were there for her. You were the person she went to when she needed someone to talk to. And above all, you kept her from any harm when I couldn't. I will never be able to repay you for that. I just hope I can trust you as she does."

Thorne shifted in his place and lightly shrugged. "Yeah, of course. She's. . .a lot like my sister was. I would protect her with my own life. And as for trust, I mean I did risk that life for both of your asses, so I think that gives me enough credibility."

Calder gave a small smile at Thorne. "Thank you."

Thorne then nodded, turning and taking his leave down the hall without another word. Calder stood like a statue for a moment, and I wondered if it was because he sensed my presence. I held my breath waiting in my own frozen stance to see what he was going to do. Then with a firm clench of his jaw he went his own way along the corridor, his footsteps echoing his departure down the staircase.

I leaned against the wall a moment, trying to wrap my head around everything I had just heard. Calder did love me, that I already knew, but to hear him say it out loud and not to me made me unsure how to feel. Calder hadn't known Thorne for a span of five minutes and he had already confessed all of that which he had never told me.

It hurt to hear that he didn't believe he was worthy enough to be with me, and that he was not only a danger to me but that his feelings were his punishment for what Sylvi made him do for years. I knew I had to talk to him to see where he was at mentally, as well as remind him that what he said about himself was not true, so now was as good a time as I was going to get.

I left from my hiding spot and recomposed myself, briskly walking in the direction Calder had gone.