Requested by Skymaria098

When I say crack, you say fic!
Crack! *distant shouting* fic
Crack! *distant shoutinf* fic

It was just a casual day at the Avengers tower, a Shawarma eating contest on the patio with Steve, Tony, Bucky, Clint, and Natasha (who was dominating). They were all relaxed, until they heard a shout from across the street.

They looked, and to their dismay, saw Peter being chased down by someone. He was in a state of panic, and frantically making his way away from-

"Flash Thompson?" Tony said, abruptly standing up from the table, knocking all the shawarma off from on top of it. Clint stared at the ground food for a brief moment, before he attempted to pick it up and eat it, earning a slap on the wrist from Nat.

"That's the kid chasing Peter? You know him?" Steve asked, also standing up, and moving his foot a bit, resulting in the shawarma getting smashed underneath him. Clint looked at it sadly, like a longing widow looking out to the sea that her long lost lover disappeared to. Natasha patted him on the back.

"Yeah. Let's go beat him up" Tony growled, attempting to run towards the teen, before Cap stopped him.

"Yo that's pretty illegal" he said. Tony gave him the side eye.

"Like you'd know all about legality, mr. 'I'm not going to sign the accords, and expect to get off scotch free', you" Tony said. The two flared at each other for a good twenty seconds.

"You're right Tony. Let's go beat him up" suddenly, god came down from the heavens, in all his beautiful glory, and spoke these sacred words:

"Joe, people really need to know
That the Bible isn't two parts
There's a Part Three to the Bible, Joe
And I, God, have anointed you
To dig up this Part Three
That is buried by the tree
On the hill in your backyard!"

Tony and Steve looked at him in confusion, before he realized, he was not, in fact, biblical times, (1823), and he was not speaking to Joseph Smith.

"Oh sorry. My bad. Wrong holy speech" he laughed, and got out a scroll. Suddenly, his reading was interrupted by a man screaming about being sorry about the maple donut.

"IM SORRY"

"You're a DICK, Kevin!" He shouted, and Tony tried to keep his cool.

Steve looked utterly confused, until God spoke up again.

"Right. You two shall not beat up that asshole over there, but you shall give him a stern talking to, and an "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" Look" he told them, and then immediately flew back up into the clouds.

Tony, an intellectual, followed God's heavenly directions, and walked up to Flash, who currently had Peter in a choke hold.

"ExCUSE me, but you seem to have my son in a very deadly position, and I'd advise you to not get on my bad side" Tony said to the kid, who scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"You don't scare me old man" Flash said.

"I'm motherfucking Iron Man" He said, giving him a "im not disappointed, just mad" look.

"So what?"

The next thing Cap and Tony knew, they were standing over Flash's dead body.

"Wait Steve did you kill him?"

"No Tony, I didnt kill him, did you kill him?" Cap replied, getting a 'no' in response.

"I killed him" Wade spoke up from behind the men, successfully spoooping the two.

"Wade I've never been so happy to have you in my life" Tony said, which was essentially his blessing. Wade gasped.

"Come on Peter let's go get married!" He shouted, carrying Peter away bridal style, while Steve waved a handkerchief behind them, wiping off his occasional tear.

"My little boy is all grown up" he said, wrapping his arm around Tony's shoulders.

"Steve I don't liek you pls get your arm out of my personal bubble" he said, pushing Steve into the oncoming traffic.

Steve, of course (duh), didn't actually die, because he's like super strong, what happened was the cars all ricocheted off his body, and murdered like 9 other people.

"O shit" Tony said, realizing just how much paperwork this caused.

So sorry about this. I wanted to post something, and I thought, "why not this one prompt I had had for a while, and continued not to write like an asshole?" So Skymaria098, if you don't appreciate the sheer and utter nonsense that this fic turned out to be, please let me know, and I'll rewrite it.

Also ten points to the house who
A) guesses what Hogwarts House IM in and
B) tells me which musical I referenced in this fic (without looking it up)