no pairing. set during the events of the game, not the HBO show. beware of mentions of suicide ideation and a brief past attempt made by Joel. this took about three or so days to write – came from an idea that wouldn't leave me alone when replaying the game for the third time, but on grounded mode, and listening to the optional conversation in the hotel.

—

"Oh, creepy..."

Joel quietly approaches Ellie, very aware that they're still very much not alone in this goddamn hotel yet and he's worried about them being too loud, but he's also curious about what she's found in there, so he makes his way to where her voice came from. When he reaches the bathroom in which she's standing, he follows her line of sight – she's staring at the bathtub, which is full of old, dirty water, mixed with what looks like blood and god only knows what else, and two skeletal corpses of a man and woman facing each other, half submerged in the liquid.

"Guess they took the easy way out, huh?" Ellie comments as she gestures towards the bodies, and Joel immediately disagrees with her choice of wording.

"Oh, it ain't easy," he tells her, his voice low, and she glances at him, as if wanting an explanation or something. He swallows, and then continues. "For many, it was better than lettin' a clicker, or... a hunter do it for them. But trust me," he pauses for the briefest second to sigh, thoughtful, "it ain't easy."

For a moment, Ellie doesn't say anything – she just watches him carefully, and Joel assumes the conversation is over... but then she murmurs, "You sound kinda like you're speaking from experience."

And well, maybe he was. But Joel tenses immediately, caught off guard by her keen observation. He'd hoped she wouldn't pick up on that, or at least wouldn't say anything if she did notice, but from the short time he's spent with her, Joel has already learned that Ellie is an observant, curious, and bold girl, someone who isn't afraid to speak her mind a lot of the time, even if it gets her into trouble, and is a lot more mature for her age than she first appears – so really, he should've known better than to hope she wouldn't notice or comment upon it. It's just how she is.

He doesn't really know what to say in response to her words, though – he can't deny it, but he also isn't particularly interested in talking about a difficult time in his life with some fourteen year old girl he just met less than like, a week ago.

Well, he's not really interested in talking about it in general, but still. He knows she will make her assumptions about whatever he went through if he doesn't respond, but that's still better than talking about it. So he doesn't respond to her, not in any way he thinks she was hoping for.

"C'mon," he mutters instead, "let's get going."

And Ellie silently follows him as he leaves the bathroom, but he knows she's still thinking about it, just like he is.

—

It isn't until at some point a couple of months after Henry's and Sam's death that she brings it up again.

They're camping in the woods, stopping for the night after a particularly long but very productive day of walking west, hoping to get to Jackson fairly soon. Joel is hopeful they'll get there within the next few days – if he had to guess, they're somewhere in Nebraska, meaning that they're making great progress. It's already mid-autumn, and pretty soon it's going to start getting colder, so the sooner they find Tommy, the better. Or so Joel hopes, anyway. He doesn't once stop to consider what to do if Tommy is dead, or has moved on. He figures they'll cross that bridge if – or when – they get to it.

But for now, he's getting ready to sleep, laying out his sleeping bag and shrugging off his backpack. Ellie has had her own sleeping bag pulled out already for quite some time, and had been using her flashlight to read some of the comics Joel had found for her on their journey while he kept watch until he determined that they were very much alone out here. Just as he gets settled down and closes his eyes and tells her that she should get some rest soon, she clicks off the light.

"I didn't necessarily mean right now," he says, glancing over at her in the darkness. "You coulda read a little longer."

But Ellie doesn't respond, her knees having now been brought up to her chest and her arms have wrapped around them, hugging them to herself. There's this... faraway look in her eyes again – Joel has noticed it appearing every now and then since Henry and Sam died. It's almost as if she hadn't even heard him speak, but obviously she had, since she put out the light. Joel stares at her, wondering if she's going to go to sleep or not, but it seems that there's something on her mind. He debates asking about it, not sure if he should, or if it's better to let her work through whatever it is on her own.

After a minute or two of debating, Joel sighs deeply. "What's goin' on in that head of yours, kiddo?" he questions gently, trying his best not to be an asshole and keep her too much at arm's length – after all, this journey would be much worse and a whole lot harder if they hated each other, and it's not that Joel hates or even dislikes Ellie, it's just... sometimes she reminds him too much of Sarah.

And when Joel starts to think about Sarah, he thinks about how he lost her and how much it fucking broke him – it's a miracle he's still here after twenty long years of feeling that kind of pain, because... it doesn't really get easier. But at least it's been long enough that if he doesn't think about it, it doesn't really hurt as much. It will never not hurt at all, though – he knows he just has to live with a hole in his heart that can't and won't ever be fixed.

So... he also knows that means that he really shouldn't get attached to Ellie, shouldn't think of her the same way he thought of his own daughter, because one day, sometime soon, they'll go their separate ways. Soon, they won't be together anymore, and if he allows himself to get attached to her, he knows he's going to hurt all over again – the hole in his heart will grow until he's just an empty, heartless shell, just like he was when Sarah died. Except there won't be any coming back from it this time. So that's why he keeps her at arm's length, even though it crushes him to see her disappointment and hurt whenever he's short with her or acts as though he doesn't care, acts as though she's nothing more to him than cargo that needs smuggling.

If he gets attached and then were to lose her, though, he'd surely lose himself, too. Forever.

But he can't just... ignore her when she's like this. It's those goddamn fatherly instincts that never seemed to have gone away that make him ask her what she's thinking, because he knows that maybe she really needs someone to ask if she's okay, maybe she really needs to talk, and maybe he's the only one she's got that can listen to her and help.

For a while, Ellie doesn't answer him. Then she says, "I was thinking about Henry and Sam again."

It's eating at her worse than he thought, he guesses, if she's still thinking about it now. "Ellie, I already told you many times," he begins, "there ain't nothin' we coulda done to save them."

"It's not that," Ellie replies, much to his surprise. Before he can ask what she means, she adds, "I know you said that the... that the 'easy' way out isn't even easy, but sometimes... it really fuckin' seems that way. It sure seemed that way for Henry – it seemed like it would've been easier for him to kill himself than to live without Sam, easier than having to live alone, knowing that he killed his own brother. And well… as for me..." She pauses to take a breath. "Well, there was a time when I... the thought of... y'know, ending it... it seemed like an easy choice, right after I, um... I lost my best friend. But, um... obviously I'm still fuckin' here and it never happened, so... yeah. I guess I'm just curious to know why you'd said it was harder than... sticking around, because my experience has been different. It seemed like you knew from your own experience or something that it wasn't easy, though. Or maybe I'm wrong."

Joel doesn't know what to say at first. It's both hard and yet frighteningly easy to imagine Ellie trying to get herself killed, faced with the fact that she had nobody, nothing she felt worth living for anymore. He hates that she ever had to go through something like that at such a young age.

"Listen, Ellie..." he starts eventually, but then sighs again, trying to figure out how he wants to say any of this. "I didn't say it was harder than keepin' on living, but it definitely ain't easy, either. I've gone through... some real tough shit in my life. There were some times, even before – but especially after – the outbreak, when I was in a real dark place and I had thoughts of– well... y'know. Mostly because I, uh... I lost someone really close to me, too. It happened twenty years ago now, but... it became really fuckin' hard to go on without this person. Still is, sometimes. I thought about just givin' up and dyin', but my brother, Tommy... he's the reason why I didn't. Couldn't. I just couldn't find it in myself to leave him behind, to leave him alone in this goddamn mess of a world. And then there came, uh... Tess, and... then the choice became a lot harder than before as we became friends. There were then two people I didn't wanna give up on. Some days I still wanted to, though, but I couldn't ever go through with it. It's harder than it seems to just completely give up – you may really want to, but wanting to and actually doing so are a lot different. Living is still harder, but choosing death ain't ever as easy as it may first seem."

Joel thinks back to it now – after the outbreak, after Sarah's untimely death, when he was at his lowest. He remembers his shuddering breaths and the feeling of cold metal on his skin as he held the pistol to his head, trying to will himself to just... do it. To pull the trigger. To be done with it all and kill himself. He wanted to join Sarah, wanted to disappear and leave this difficult and terrifying and painful world. She wasn't in it anymore, and so he didn't want to be either.

It should've been him, he kept thinking – it should've been him that was shot and killed. Sarah barely even got to live. She was only twelve, she didn't have the chance to grow up like he did, to love, to live. It should've been him... but it wasn't. And he didn't know how he was supposed to live with himself, how he was supposed to go on without her, knowing that it should've been him to die and not her. He should've been faster, shielding her body with his own and taking the bullet for her. But he wasn't fast enough, and she died. He should die, too, he kept thinking.

But he just couldn't make himself pull the trigger. He wanted to, but he couldn't – it was too hard. Something told him that if he did, he'd be throwing away the life that Sarah died for, and he'd be giving up on Tommy and abandoning him. He couldn't go through with it. And so he'd lowered the gun.

"Maybe," Ellie says as though she disagrees with him, drawing Joel out from his thoughts and away from the bad memory. "Like... I don't exactly… actively want to die anymore, but sometimes I still can't imagine giving up being that hard. Not when you're somebody like me, someone who has lost ninety-nine percent of everyone they've ever cared about and at this point has nothing really left to lose. The only two reasons I keep going now are because Marlene said that my immunity could potentially save everyone, and… because..."

She doesn't finish that sentence with anything but a soft sigh and an even softer, "...Never mind. Doesn't matter." Joel watches as she lies down and turns on her side, facing away from him. "Night, Joel," she says into the darkness. She's done talking.

"G'night, Ellie," he says back, turning over and wondering what she meant by her words, wondering what she was going to say. He guesses he'll probably never know.

–

The last time she mentions whether or not choosing death is easy is sometime after Joel had found Ellie beating David to death with a machete, when she cried and he held her close despite the pain in his abdomen and called her 'baby girl' and told her that everything would be okay now that he was there. At that point he knew that there was no denying it – he's attached to her, sees her as if she's his own kid, and he wants nothing more than to protect her at all costs, wants nothing more than to stay by her side. Once he'd given in and just accepted that, things already had felt so much easier. It was like a weight had been lifted.

And he knows that there might be a time someday where Ellie wants to go off on her own and do her own thing, but until then, as long as she wants him to, he will stick by her side and be the father she never had. He'll teach her, guide her, and care for her, the same way he'd done for Sarah. He'll protect her, listen to her when she needs it, and try his damnedest to do right by her.

Most importantly, he'll love her. Hell, he already does. She's somehow already managed to take that hole in his heart and make it significantly smaller, almost as if it were never there to begin with, and he'll always be grateful for that. He will always love Sarah, no matter how long she's been gone, but he knows now that there can be room for Ellie in his heart, too.

Dwelling on the past got him nowhere, got him nothing but misery. And there's someone here right now who needs him. He is going to try to move on the best he can and be there for Ellie the way she needs him to be.

They've finally gotten somewhere warm and safe now – Joel is resting by the fire that Ellie has started in a barrel she'd dragged into one of the empty buildings with broken windows. He's still in a lot of pain but unfortunately there isn't much that can be done about it. Ellie is quiet for a moment, calmer than she was just a little while before, but Joel knows that probably means that there's something on her mind.

She's just gotten through filling him in on everything that has happened in the past 48 hours, and even before then – Joel doesn't remember much since he'd gotten hurt at the university, so Ellie had to explain quite a lot, such as when she went looking for the first aid kit and fought a bunch of men trying to do so, while also trying to protect Joel, and then how she stitched him up, transported him, took care of him for the past month or so, or however long it's been, and all of that.

She told him about meeting David, trading to him the deer she'd worked hard to get for the penicillin to help Joel, before David turned out to be a bad guy and sent his men to track her down – those men tried to kill her, despite David wanting her left alive to join his group, and instead – but still unfortunately – Callus, the horse, fell victim to them and died. Ellie told Joel about how she was held in a cell, how David and his group were eating people, how David wanted to kill and eat her too, before she told him that she was infected and had bitten him. She told Joel how she tried to get away, how David followed and hurt her, how he tried to kill her just moments before Joel found her brutally murdering him in self-defense. Ellie told Joel everything. This is when she brings up their old conversation again in some form.

"I was so scared," she confesses, breaking the silence. "At the end, I thought... maybe it would be easier to just give up and let David kill me, but... then I thought that your life depended on me coming back and taking care of you – little did I know, you were actually on your way – and so I fought, even when it felt impossible to win. I just... I knew that I couldn't give up because I knew– I thought that you needed me."

"I do need you, Ellie," he tells her honestly, and then takes a breath. "I'm glad you didn't give up. I know it was hard, but I'm so proud of you."

Ellie smiles a little, and then shrugs as if embarrassed, clearly not used to hearing that. "Giving up and leaving you behind to die would've been harder. I just... couldn't. I couldn't let myself die and fucking abandon you like that. I, um... I care too much about you to do that, so... you were right – it... it isn't easy. Not at all. And especially not when you actually have something to lose for once." She stops, bites down on her lip. "Well at least... for now, anyway. I guess that'll be changing again soon, when we, um... when we get to Utah, or whatever."

At that, she sounds sadder. Maybe she thinks that Joel plans to dump her off at Salt Lake City with the Fireflies and then fuck off back to Wyoming without her. Joel shakes his head at the thought.

"You're not gonna lose me, kiddo," he says, and he means it. She glances up at him then, and he carries on, "I'm gonna be here right by your side for as long as you want me around. Until that moment comes, I ain't ever leavin' you. When we're done with all this Firefly business, you and I can go back to Tommy's, and I'll... I'll take care of you, if that's what you want. You'll never have to worry about me goin' anywhere, because I ain't. Not if you don't want me to. You hear me, Ellie? Never."

"Yeah, but... but what if–" Ellie begins, and then stops herself short, seemingly thoughtful. "What if... for some reason... the Fireflies won't let me go? What if they wanna keep me there for a while or something? Wouldn't you wanna just... go back to Jackson without me? Settle down there with your brother and be happy and stuff?"

Joel doesn't miss a beat. "Baby girl, the only way I'm goin' back there happily is if you are right there by my side. If they need you there, I'll be stayin' right there with you. I'm not leaving you, and I mean it. I won't abandon you – just like you didn't abandon me when I got hurt and was nothing more than a liability to you. You coulda just left me there and gone to Utah by yourself with Callus, but you put yourself at risk and saved my life. So listen to me – from now on, Ellie, we stick together. I'm not goin' anywhere without you. That is a promise."

Ellie stares at him in disbelief, her eyes watering just a little. "You really fuckin' mean that, don't you?" she asks, and then lets out a quick breath, trying to quickly wipe her eyes. "Huh."

"You say that everyone you ever cared for has either left you or died," Joel murmurs, recalling her words. "Everyone except for me. Well, that ain't gonna change. I just want you to know that."

"Joel," Ellie says, but then abruptly stops to think. "That one night, when I said that there were only two reasons why I'm still sticking around. The first reason was because of my immunity, because I wanna help save the world, if I can."

"Yeah, I know," he responds, remembering that night. "You told me that. I remember."

"Well, I didn't tell you the other reason," Ellie reminds him. "It's because... because of you. Because... I don't know. I mean, I know I'm not... that you're not my dad, and that I'm just... some fucking kid you got stuck taking care of on a search for the Fireflies, but... Joel, you're the closest thing I've ever had to a family – besides Marlene, and even she didn't always feel like family, but a friend. You're the closest thing I've ever had to… to a parent, you know?" She stops, and then hastens to add, "A- And I'm sorry if you don't want that... I know you had a daughter already, and that you lost her, and I'm really sorry – I don't wanna like… fuck with that or anything, or try to replace her, but... um..." She shakes her head, sighing. "Never mind, it's stupid."

She doesn't seem to realize she's crying. "Ellie, it's not stupid," Joel argues gently, putting a hand on her shoulder, and she quickly swipes at her eyes with her sleeves, but despite her efforts, the tears keep coming. "Listen to me. I may not be your real dad, but you are my family now, you hear me? I don't give a damn about what I told you before. Before, I was scared, because the last time I had a daughter, she died – you're right. But you being here, being my family, doesn't mean she's gettin' replaced. There's room for you, too, Ellie. So I swear to you, I'll always be around. If you want me to be your dad, then that's what I'll be."

Ellie looks up at him again. "You mean that?" she asks, sniffling.

"Yeah, I mean that," he replies easily.

She wipes her eyes again, giving him a light shove. "You better, you fucking dick," she tells him, and even in spite of the pain he feels from the jostle, he chuckles at her.

It's quiet for a bit again after that. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, Ellie asks, "Does this mean I have to call you 'Dad' now?"

Joel fights the urge to laugh again, knowing it'll hurt if he does. "Just 'Joel' is fine," he answers her.

"Okay, 'just Joel'," Ellie says with a grin. "Sounds great."

"Ellie." It's said as a light warning, and all she does is snort at him, snickering to herself.

And then it's quiet once again, until Ellie huffs. "Man, I'm hungry."

Joel fights back a smile. "Hi, hungry, I'm Joel."

Ellie stares, then rolls her eyes. "Oh, fuck you. Is this what I'm signing up for?" She shakes her head, jokingly adding, "I take everything I said all back if this is what I'm in for."

"Sure," Joel replies, making it clear he doesn't believe it one bit. A minute or two passes. "You know what though, I'm actually pretty hungry myself," he tells her, now serious. "I might be able to get out there and find somethin' when the snow storm dies down a little more."

"Uh-uh, you're not fuckin' going anywhere," she argues, getting to her feet. "I'll do it." Before Joel can protest, she says, "I've taken care of you for... how long now? Just because you're conscious and moving around on your own a little, doesn't mean I'm gonna stop now. You're still hurt."

"You shouldn't go out there right now," he says, but upon the look she gives him, he sighs and caves. "Fine, just... be careful, okay?"

"Of course," Ellie replies with a smile, and then takes the bow and vaults over the wall where a window used to be but has since been shattered. Popping her head back in through the window to look at him, she says, "Get some rest. I won't go far, and I'll be back in no time. Promise."

With that, she runs off into the snow. Joel listens to her footsteps departing, confident that she'll be fine out there on her own. Like she said, she'd been taking care of him for a while now, and was doing just fine. The only issue was David and his men, and Joel is fairly certain that they're all gone now. She'll do just fine out there now; she's smart and strong and she'll figure something out for them.

He smiles to himself – he really is proud of her. And he knows that Sarah would be proud of him, too, if she could see him now. She'd be proud of him for trying to move on. And that's enough to put him at ease for now.

So for now, Joel does like Ellie told him to. He rests, and he waits for her to return. They've still got a long journey ahead, and Joel is looking forward to when it's over, when they can spend their future days doing and going whatever they want. Together.

—

<3