#NewClassicILIB

Chapter 21
Memories

I wished that I could go back time to save my mother, but I knew I couldn't. And so, I just hoped for the time to freeze until I was finally fine, but I also knew it was impossible.

The water would keep on flowing. The arms of the clock wouldn't pause from turning. The earth wouldn't stop spinning. People would continue living. I had no choice but to go with the flow and move forward as time would never wait for me.

After a week of absences from school, I went to class again to keep up with my academics. My professors gave me consideration to take the quizzes and exercises I missed and extended my deadlines because I went through something so grave. They all sympathized with my pain as I just lost my mother.

I was like a robot programmed to do what I needed to do in order to keep on living. I woke up every day just to do the same routine over and over again. It was tiring. I just pushed myself to survive each day because I had to, not because I wanted to. That was how I lived each passing day, ever since my mother died.

It's a life without purpose; a life without meaning.

I detached myself from social media and from other people. Kahit kina daddy at Kuya Zedrick ay hindi ako masyadong nakikipag-usap. Fortunately, for my brother, Ate Allison was doing a great job to help him move on. Si daddy ay hindi ko alam kung ano na ang nangyayari sa kanya. He took one more week of leave from work, after my mother's funeral. However, he was always out and he would only come back late at night.

The household was a complete chaos. The house seemed like it was made of lego blocks that had been disassembled when my mother died. We weren't in complete harmony when she was still alive, but it wasn't this shattered.

Now, we live in the same house, but we all have different lives. We stop acting like a family anymore.

Jerlyn tried to hang out with me every time she wasn't busy with school works. Even though I wasn't paying much attention to her presence, she would quietly stay by my side.

Every time Jerlyn wouldn't come here and I didn't have anything to do, I would lock myself inside the master's bedroom. I would spend my time there. It was excruciating to imagine how lonely my mother was inside this big room. Alone.

I could picture her crying herself to sleep every night, having unsettling thoughts and anxiety attacks. It felt like I could still feel her tears on her pillow and her warmth on her side of the bed.

"I wish you were still here..." I whispered, while hugging her favorite pillow. "I miss you so much."

Kapag mag-isa ako sa kuwarto niya, pakiramdam ko ay doon lang bumabalik ang aking pagkatao. In that room, I could somehow feel her presence. It felt like she was still here with me. Paglumalabas ako ay hindi ko na rin minsan nakikilala ang sarili ko dahil sa aking pinagbago.

Feeling thirsty after doing my homework, I went out of my room to get water from the kitchen. I was halfway down the stairs when I saw daddy and Kuya Zedrick having a serious conversation in the living room. Though they could already see me here, they didn't notice my presence because they were both engrossed with their talk.

I stopped from going down in order to hear their conversation. I wanted to know what they were talking about.

There was a lot of tension going on in between them. I knew how much my brother hated my father. He believed that our mother's death was his fault.

Well, I could understand him for thinking that way. Even I blamed my father for her death. His alleged affairs put too much emotional stress on her. She couldn't handle her own emotions because of him. She completely broke down which led to her choice of taking her life.

I hated how I never thought how their situation might lead to this tragedy. I thought the worst thing that could happen was their separation. I didn't know that it would turn out like this. If I only knew, I could have done something.

Though I knew it was too late for regrets, I couldn't help myself from feeling it. I believed that my feelings were valid.

"My decision is final." I heard Kuya Zedrick said. "I'll be moving out next week."

My eyes shot open as my lips went apart.

My brother's moving out?

Noon ay ayos lang sa akin na umalis siya. Even our mother was encouraging him to move out to make it easier for him to go to work. Ngayon nga lang ay hindi na ako sigurado kung ayos pa ba sa akin kung umalis siya rito sa bahay.

Kita kong tumango-tango si daddy. "I understand," sabi niya. "Kahit mas gugustuhin kong manatili ka rito, nasa tamang edad ka na para magdesisyon para sa sarili mo."

"Well, even though you beg me to stay, I won't."

Feeling how cold my brother's voice was, I almost got chills. Even though it looked like he was already being rude to our father, I knew he was still trying his best to give him respect.

My father pursed his lips tightly.

A heavy silence fell upon us. The tension got heightened even more. If it was just a normal day, my father would certainly reprimand him for talking back in a rude manner. However, he just kept it to himself today.

"And right..." Kuya Zedrick spoke again. "Before I forget, I also want to tell you that I'm taking Zendaya with me."

My heart almost jumped off my chest as I heard what Kuya Zedrick had just said. We didn't talk about moving out together. Though I would be sad once he moves out, I had no plans leaving with him. I only heard of this now.

"What are you talking about, Zedrick?" Dad sounded so dangerous. It was obvious that he didn't like what Kuya just said.

"Do you think I will leave this house without my sister?" Kuya asked daddy, sounding a bit sarcastic. "I won't, dad. I will take her with me."

"No," daddy immediately disagreed with Kuya Zedrick. "You can't take your sister with you."

"And why not?" Kuya Zedrick challenged him. "I'm sure I can take care of her better than you. You always prioritize your work over your family. I don't want my sister to feel neglected like my mother. I will not let her end up like mom."

I held on tight to the staircase's handrail. The words my brother said just felt so heavy. It must had been a big blow to my father. With those words, he confirmed to our father that he was blaming him for our mother's death. It was like pricking a poisoned needle to his heart.

"I hope you understand why I'm doing this, dad," Kuya Zedrick continued. "I already lost my mother. I can't lose my sister, too. And I'm sorry because I will never be at ease if she's with you."

For a moment, daddy didn't say anything. Although I was standing from quite a distance, I could see his protruding veins on his arms.

"I just don't trust you anymore, dad."

I'm not my father, but it also broke my heart when my brother declared that his trust for our father was already shattered and broken.

Dad bit his lower lip before he smiled lightly. "I k-know..." he said, his voice cracked. "But please don't take your sister away from me... Once you leave, she's all that's left to me, too..."

Since my mother died, I was feeling indifferent with my father. Now, my heart fell and sympathized with him. The corners of my eyes were starting to heat up as tears began forming. It was painful for me to see him hurting. After all, he's still my father.

"I know you hate me... I know you blame me for your mother's death. Your sister might also be blaming it for me," dad said. "I also think it's my fault―"

"Because it's really your fault!" My brother couldn't stop himself from exploding. He stood up from his seat. His face already turned red.

His voice resonated inside our quiet home. I felt something prickled on my skin. I had never seen my brother so angry. He was full of rage and hatred. But in his eyes, I could see that he was still hurting. Just like me, he had not overcome the pain yet. We were still carrying it with us.

"I hate you so much!" As my brother's tears started to fall, I couldn't stop myself from tearing up too. "I hate you so much, dad..."

Daddy just nodded his head, accepting his son's anger which was directed to him. And I could tell that it was his way of acknowledging his mistakes. He didn't explain and defend himself. He just took our anger.

"Do you know how much mom suffered because of you?" Kuya Zedrick asked. "She suffered so much! I couldn't even imagine how hurt she must felt to end her own life. She was having a very hard time being your wife. You didn't even do anything to make her feel safe and secured. And aside from the pain, she was also dealing with so much insecurities because of your alleged affairs..."

My father bowed his head. He tightly balled his hands into fists.

"Just imagine how many years did she have to go through everything over and over again, dad." Kuya Zedrick wasn't done expressing his resentment. "And yet, throughout those years, you didn't do anything to make her feel okay. You just kept quiet, let everything pass, and made her deal with it on her own."

I covered my mouth with my hands, trying not to make a sound as I wept.

"Is that what you called l-love?" My brother croaked as he asked. "Is that how you loved her?"

Kuya Zedrick managed to say everything what's inside my heart. Alam kong hindi ko kayang sabihin ang mga bagay na 'yan kay daddy, pero nagawa niya. I didn't expect that it would hurt this much, though. It felt like my heart was offered to the devil. It felt like hell.

Pakiramdam ko ay wala nang katapusan ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Kung kailang unti-unti ko nang nagagamay ang aking nararamdaman ay may panibago na namang sumusubok sa tibay ng aking puso.

Do I deserve this pain? Don't I deserve a chance to be happy again?

"Now, don't tell me not to take my sister with me. I won't allow her to get hurt like mom," Kuya said with finality.

"No, no, no... Zedrick, please..." Daddy shook his head desperately. "I understand... I kow I'm wrong, but please, I want to keep your sister here with me. I want to make up to her, now that your mother's gone. I promise to be the best father that I could be. I promised your mother..."

My dad slowly stood up. His legs were shaking. He didn't last three seconds standing and started to kneel in front of my brother.

I saw my brother's eyes widened as he didn't expect that my father would bring his knees to the ground. Kahit pati ako ay nabigla at mas lalong nakaramdam ng sakit.

"Please, let Zendaya stay with me..." he begged my brother.

Hindi na ako nag-aksaya pa ng panahon. Nagmamadali akong nagpatuloy sa pagbaba sa hagdanan. Nalipat sa akin ang tingin ni Kuya Zedrick, ngunit agad ding binalik ang tingin kay daddy ang matalim na tingin.

"Let's just let Zendaya decide..." sabi na lang ni Kuya Zedrick at hindi na masyadong nagmatigas. "If she wants to come with me, I'll take her with me."

"Dad, tumayo ka na po riyan," sabi ko nang makalapit sa kanila at kahit na naaawa ay hindi pa rin maalis ang nanatiling galit sa aking puso.

Daddy turned to face me. He stood up and held my hands firmly. I looked straight to his eyes, and pain stabbed me on the chest once more.

"Zen, please stay with me..." daddy pleaded me. "I'll make it up to you, anak. I promise..."

Honestly, my father never fails to make up to his shortcomings. Alam kong lagi siyang abala sa trabaho at hindi ako laging napapagbigyan, pero bumabawi siya lagi. He didn't have a good relationship with my mother and Kuya Zedrick, but he was never a bad father to me. I was feeling torn as I tried to be in my mother's shoes and be his daughter at the same time.

However, deep inside me, I knew what my decision would be.

"I'll stay here..." I voiced out my decision.

I saw how daddy exhaled deeply, feeling relieved. "Thank you so much, Zendaya! Thank you! Thank you!"

"Are you sure, Zen?" Kuya Zedrick asked, trying to make sure if I made the right decision or not.

Smiling a bit, I faced my brother. "I know you want to shield me from pain, Kuya..." I trailed for a fleeting moment. "But this is where mom left me... I want to stay where she left me."

In order to relive my memories with her, I decided to stay here. Aside from that, I also couldn't find it in me to leave my father, no matter if I was angry at him. And I had this feeling that it's what my mother also wanted me to do.

As I recalled her letter, she wanted daddy to take care of me―of us. My mother gave him a chance, so I would also give him that.

"Don't worry about me, Kuya." I assured him with the most genuine smile I could give after all the pain I felt. "I'll stay here with daddy..." and the memories of our mother.