Chapter 25
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Federico

Solo puedo pensar en ti. I can only ever seem to fill my thoughts with images of you.

I wish that you hadn't of done that Charlotta.

I'm so frustrated at you and yet I'm still here, I have to force myself to sit in this hospital room, whilst your heart monitor drives me almost to the state of paranoia.

It's been thirty-five days since the incident occurred, Lotta and I need you to open those dainty eyelids before I drive myself insane. Why would you do this to me, leave me to deal with the consequence of your actions.

It's the fifth Thursday today, which means that your family will be visiting tomorrow. Although since I met all of them for the first time, they seem to all appear at different points in the day, hardly ever accompanied by one another.

At first I questioned this. but then I realised they were all grieving the death of your mother and coped with it in different ways.

"Hi Fede, nice to meet you officially." A familiar face greeted me, her voice was usually flirtatious but I assumed that was just her personality. I realised that she was the girl who dated Jacques; I felt like the biggest idiot as it clicked that she was your oldest sister.

I'm so sorry Amore.

You'd never mentioned that there was so many of you, I wasn't intimidated by them, but they all seemed so similar to you, it scared me a little. What other secrets so you dare not speak to me ?

"You must be Federico." A low voice croaked behind me, I straightened up at the site of an elderly fellow.

"Yes sir I am." I shook his hand politely. He had a strong hand shake, I realised where you'd got those beautiful irises from.

"It's wonderful to finally meet you young boy man, I hope Char Bar hasn't been causing you too much trouble." He smiled trying to break the ice but silence followed shortly afterwards.

Her father was a tall, thin man. I could tell he'd lost weight recently due to his clothes being extremely baggy. He appeared so broken, just like my pounding heart.

"Sir, she has never bright anything more to my life than happiness. I love her with all of my heart and blame myself entirely for this happening." I brushed my hand across her check as her chest responded to her inhalation of another breath. She was still here.

"Federico I've heard many good things about you, but I never assumed you would blame yourself for this." His body language was naturally so accepting, he appeared so friendly I just wanted to hug him but I knew that this conversion was meant to prove I was enough for his daughter.

"If anyone should I think the coward standing before you should have been checking up on his daughter, instead of residing in dealing with the death of his wife by consuming countless alcoholic beverages." Despite the fact that his voice wavered as a tear fell down his cheek. I empathised for this man. He was knocking on deaths door begging to be accepted to join his wife. I would be the same.

Mi amore, why did you never mention any of them to me ? Why?  Were you ashamed of what I had become?

It irritates me that you can annoy me even without being fully in my presence, but this bitter grudge is burst when I perch my stare onto your peachy lips. Tienes una sonrisa muy hermosa. (You have a very lovely mouth) I wish to perch my lips beside them, needing to feel that desirable pulse through them.

I was drawn to your enchanting smile, that never leaves the circumference of your face; unless you are caged in a turmoil of your own emotions.

It's difficult to stay angry at a face like yours and yet I blame myself for avoiding you those weeks leading up to the downfall of our togetherness.

Watching the colour drain from your face, was like I was a a terrified feline that had been hit by a bus eight times and it trembled at the thought of being hit for the ninth time. Because it knew, that it's last life would be gone in an instant. It's luck would have fallen short.

Sin ti no puedo respirar. Te necesito en mi vida. Without you I can not breath. I need you in my life. These words are stuck on repeat inside my head.

"Fede we need to talk." A figure appeared standing against the door frame. He had blonde shaggy hair. He wore a pressed expansive suit.

"I'm in love with her."

I couldn't stop myself from exploding all the solitude and sadness that I had been folded away, into a padlocked drawn inside the cabinets of my mind. Weeks passed without you disturbing my selfish pity. Then the files were rudely thrust across the table by your selfish actions.

It's a strange concept to consider, but somehow the most beautiful creatures that grace our earth don't even fathom or ponder the thoughts that they could be attractive.

I find this hard to believe when attraction is largely based on subjective opinion and taste buds; somehow I still can't quite get how my soul mate fails to realise this.

I thought she was a smart girl, maybe I was wrong? Obviously, I'm just being fortuitous ; in my eyes I wouldn't change a single fault, it reminds me that I have my own faults also.

I haven't felt this much testosterone pumping through my veins since my reckless adolescent days, which I still haven't mentioned to Lotta, she may have been given a little taster when she met the boys but I'm scared her opinion on me would change; it certainly left an impression on Mi Madre, she never looked at me with any hope anymore, she gave up on me just like the rest of them did and I'm grateful they did because other I would have never booked that ferry and left.

Lotta would have been even further from my grasp, probably as far as she feels right now. I need you Lotta, without you nothing makes sense anymore and I'm starting to question whether any of it ever did or if I was overdosing on your high.

I've inverted back into myself, no longer recognising familiar facing as I parade around without you. Everything seems out of touch with reality or distorted in some way, and I won't be weak this time and cave to any form of medication to cure my state.

I'm a lot stronger than I was on those days, I would rather die than convert my inner turmoil into pills and try and cure the incurable.

Lotta, you should of seen me in those years it would of made you laugh I hope, but it might scare you a little. I've changed so much I promise. I was such a mess, no aspiration to do anything in life apart from feeling that buzz.

I'm pretty good at hiding from things and my future was definitely at the top of this list: education, relationships, commitment.

All things I couldn't tie myself down to, especially after Mama shunned me from her front door, I couldn't be seen in church or town without people asking questions.

Where did you go? Why don't you smile anymore? What happened last summer? Why don't you come out with us anymore?

Those were all questions that had one simple answer: I was scared. The previous summer we celebrated Felipe's birthday - my cousin, he was the only person I trusted in my family and I wanted him to know it.

The night started as usual we went for pre drinks and smokes at Marco's bar, which was conveniently placed on the beach. Thinking about it pains the scares left on my memories, making them twitch uncomfortably.

I was seeing this sweet little number called Iso, she was a sight for a sore eyes but nothing on my Lotta, not even comparable.

The night flowed on, Marco's was swarming with our local friends and the ambience was like that blues rhythm that makes your hips start to sway and head bob gently to the beat.

I wasn't expecting to see my cousin passed out in the men's, the bare image of him about to take a leek and falling asleep on the job made me chuckle in my drunken state.

He looked fine, up till then. I promise you and then I noticed the slit that overwhelmed my eyes decorating his forehead. Murde.

I pinched his eyelids open and I was greeted by dilated black dots that sent shivers down my spine. This wasn't on the agenda for this evening and I'm trying not to lose my cool before I start sobbing,

I'll just grab him some water, I'm sure he'll be fine. Just needs to sober up. Felipe was a strong man, it had always taken a lot for him to fall down.

But he wasn't fine, in the slightest. Brain hemerage. Dead. Gone. Numb. A dead bud amongst thorns.

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