Chapter 15★

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Char

Sometimes when I put pen to paper; I  find that for a couple of hours I can really lose myself.

Harvey has always been able to understand this and that's why I write to him as often as I can.

Dear Harvey,

I miss you.

Uni starts next week and I'm excited and nervous all at the same time.

I'm in love with the idea of being in love, the fantasy that has fed my addiction from ever since I can remember.

Remember when we were younger and used to make up stories of finding our other half?

I think I might have found him.

I entered this world alone and I promised myself I wouldn't be leaving it in the same way.

I never thought I would find anyone, I've always felt so undesirable. I knew I was attractive in the sense that everyone is, it just depends on your taste.

I mean, I've always acknowledged the opposite sex found me desirable, but that's different. It doesn't require feelings or acceptance from them.

That grotesque phase of my life only required being suggestive and I was good at pretending. I've never felt connected to any of them.

They were just lifeless souls, I was forced to fill my hours with. I made a rule with myself; that it was meaningless until you knew the colour of their eyes; then it became something else.

If you could see into the colours behind their ego; their true self would appear and I wasn't interested in making false promises to anyone.

You could say they were apprenticeships for the real thing, but I don't like to objectify feelings like that, especially those concerning myself.

Until the magnetic field between Fede and I was re aligned. I even sense irritation rising as I had to wait this long to be allowed to collide with him.

Luckily, we had been in the same place at the wrong time.

"Char are you gonna be ready soon?" Fede banged on my bedroom door which interrupted my writing flow.

"Hang on a minute" ... Or maybe ten, I realised to myself as I returned to my ink pen.

I feel like my body is constantly thriving on an endless high. I'm ridiculously happy all the time, it makes me want to cry.

I'll admit it only to you, that I cry so much more than I used to; but I promise they're not because I feel alone anymore. It's quite the contrary.

I don't think smoking any illegal substances could give you this sensation, it probably seems implausible that the mere presence of another could medicate a countless production of endorphines being released simultaneously.

I dare you to try it, but I know that everyone has a different perception of the same stimulation.

But right now I feel like for once in my life, I'm actually fulfilling some form of destiny that I was intended to.

I've never been a soppy romantic and you know that, but I can't fight the pure pleasure that engulfs my entire body when he introduces me to the  way his eye's interpret everything.

I know, this phase of my life will be cut short, because everything good always comes to an abrupt end.

"Lotta I'll just grab breakfast for us, if your too busy to go out."

"Okay baby." I was still absorbed in the task I'd set for myself.

It has been so long since I'd actually used my ink pen which Jacques had brought for my last birthday. I usually type everything now-a-days.

But I've decided to just enjoy the train journey whilst I'm still on board, and when the break in the track comes up, I want to be taken by surprise.

"I'll grab some croissants." He voiced but I was already back in my own writing frenzy.

In fact, I need to be taken by surprise, the adrenaline rush is the only thing that could rightfully replace any inhibition of what I'm experiencing right now.

Don't forget about me, hey. I know you're already on a whirl wind of adventures without me. I'm sorry for ignoring your calls.

I'm intoxicated with the way he breathes, the way he thinks, the way he coughs, the way he is.

The thought of him departing fills my mind with anticipation that simply would ruin everything, so I allow myself to believe that right now is going to be forever and will span the horizon of every sensation.

I miss you eternally,

Write me back.

Char x

As I sealed the envelope with the tip of my tongue I realised that I still hadn't mentioned Harvey's calls to Fede. Well the calls that I'd been disregarding.

White lies only hurt when you engage your brain and I switched mine off a while ago.

Who knows this could be the best decision I ever made?

Harvey's voice of reason would probably try and persuade me off plunging head first into the this unknown destination.

Only time will remind me later whether my instincts are reliable or not.

Right now, my little Spaniard's singing in the shower in that vibrant voice of his yours I'm curled up in his scent infused shirt, trying to imagine what our next adventure will intale.

I told myself, long ago that my purpose as a human being of this of earth, was to brighten the lives of others; however I chose to.

This did not follow the guidelines of producing offspring to further suffocate society, which already appears saturated with a population that is overcrowded and frankly I hide from it.

So why would I want to part take in any form of contributing to it?

A bead of sweat tap dances across my forehead, whilst I deliberated whether I should really tell him about the anarchy of my family; my dad died of a broken heart, yes, you could try and say my mother was heartless but that's not exactly fair or truth.

That doesn't really sound like a one liner you could just throw out at a polite dinner party, does it?

My phones buzzed randomly and brought my conundrum of thoughts to a halt.

12:58pm
Lissy:

Char can we talk sometime ? I miss you.
Lis x

The levels of my irritation rose as I thrusted my phones aggressively to the floor. My sister's latest shenanigans wasn't worthy of my mind to even process yet. She needed to grieve my absence from her life for a little longer.

Mum.

She was born with Familial Dysautonomia; a genetically inherited disorder, unfortunately her parents gave this unintentionally to her through their DNA.

It affects the autonomous nervous system and actually it affects everything surprisingly.

By chance she was a rarity and phenomenon to greet the medical data base and I was lucky enough to call her my mum.

The day my parents met was whilst my mother was in intensive care, consequently because she was insensitive to pain.

Having a painless life may sound captivating to an audience, but in reality, it's a death wish calling your name.

"She was wild and reckless and everything I wasn't at that age. She stunned me completely with her personality, let alone her rare condition. I was baffled and dazed by your mother." Dad used to recollect to me.

"She hasn't changed much has she?" I whispered dryly.

"She's tamer now, Charlotte try to empathise for her. She's your mother." I rolled my eyes at his last comment.

Dad was too gullible.

Pain is something we obtain to stop ourselves from partaking in the unthinkable dangerous activities.

Without this survival mechanism, one can become reckless and suicidal, without having the intention to do or be either.

I mean form the outskirts it sounds pretty quirky right?

You just become an adrenaline junky all your life and become the heart throb of each generation.

Although appropriately speaking it didn't affect her emotional pain. She wished it did and so do I, in a sad sort of way.

Pain send signals to your brain, messages that are vital so things can be fixed, when your scrape your knee or bang your head; to prevent further injury.

Medically speaking the health of a patient can deteriorate significantly in front of their eyes without the protection of this sensation.

"It's a miracle she didn't die young you know." Terence voiced to me one afternoon over a cup of tea.

"Whys that?"

"Let's just say your Dad hasn't completely told you the whole story of how those two became intwined." He raised his eyebrows suspiciously.

I tried to imagine the situation myself.

Imagine if you can, being my dad, her overly concerned doctor: witnessing this self destructive-captivating-twenty-two-year-old destroy her own life, unintentionally.

All because she was born with a syndrome that is incurable. It was a part of her. It made her who she was, although in the end it left her to meet her own destiny.

He was so consumed by her state of health from the beginning and he could sense himself falling for her, the moment he took her blood pressure as she ranted on about how expensive health care was.

He tried to hide it but some things just shouldn't go unheard.

I know it's not the most appropriate love story, but it was theirs and I wouldn't change it for the world; otherwise I wouldn't have been created.

I wouldn't change it because we don't get to pick who we fall for and sometimes it happens in the most unpredictable circumstances.

Although somehow none of us had really prepared ourself for when she would pull the short straw. We were all constantly trying to keep our heads above water and watch out for her.

We all reversed roles with mum; she became my only worry from a young age, as I lay in bed at night and hoped she wouldn't be giving in.

She appeared so 'normal' to everyone; such a strong woman with a weak stamina, only recognised by those who understood her acute nature.

She was a youthful soul trapped inside the wrong body, I couldn't help but sympathies with that part.

I miss her and all her spontaneity.

I'll admit that when she did it right, she understood the fundamentals of enjoying herself. Something sadly that I lacked, probably because seeing her at the end scared me.

"Lotta are you alright?" I was brought back to reality as he stroked my back gently.

"Just thinking Feds, that's all."

"How about we think over these croissants, huh?" He wrapped his arms around my slightly shaking body.

"Everything's gonna be okay, Lots." I nodded my head as he soothed my anxiety.

Fede converts my sorrow into a similar type of energy, but this was one was calm and left a tingle sensation across my tongue.

I yearn for it constantly to consume the vibrating particles that surrounded me.

I'll tell him when he meets my boisterous siblings, I'm sure they'll be better at outlining the family tree because I don't think, I can actually  bring myself to echo those thoughts.

But the hypothesis of sharing a life designed by the implications of our matter entwined together, seemed like the best invention time itself had ever thought of.

"I know Feds, I just have a lot of my mind at the moment." A tear slithered across my cheek. His finger was quick to catch it before it trailed under my chin and he kissed the pathway which it had formed.

"You always become so quiet when you're upset Lotta, I worry about you." He whispered lovingly in my ear.

"I love you bambino." I placed an affectionate kiss against his lips.

Here I was, actually considering something I had already crossed off my bucket list, I think anticipated meeting another human I would connect with.

Initially, it frightened me to express myself towards you. I didn't want to sound like an obtuse adolescent.

I felt foolish when you would brush your palm against my cheek in reassurance that it was okay to be different.

He taught me that wanting to escape the imprisonment of socially correct behavior was a virtue that I should pursue, only if I wanted to.

None of them had ever spoken to me in such a down to earth resolution, I could feel myself growing as a person, splundering into different shades of my personality and maturing from a young seed into a center piece of petals.

I hadn't expected the reincarnation of the love we shared to infect my maternal instincts at all. It surprised me for once.

In each life we are thrust into, the outcomes always vary but the criteria is heavenly always consistent, just like you.

You may occupy a different physique or nationality, but our forces have always interpreted each other in the same way, compelled by gravity towards one another.

He's my soul mate.

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✶ Char is definitely whipped to this boy and finally come to her sense to stop being petty with Harvey. Sympathise for her Mum a little or scowl her for being a bad parent?✶