Chapter 19★

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Char

Today, wasn't supposed to make me feel like this. 

Our anniversaries was coming up and all I feel is guilty, like a deer caught in the headlights of a life house being penetrated by that blinding white light.

"How the fuck am I suppose to react to all of this." I sighed.

Fede, found my thinking spot, the location where I can vacate everything for just a couple of hours and it's made me feel disorientated. I know it shouldn't be over thinking all of this.

I should have realised soon enough, he'd been picking lavender and placing it by my bedside table the past few weeks.

Although he loves the stuff, he usually didn't have time to do these heartfelt gestures.

I guess he was just making time to get to know me. After all these years, I still hadn't told him everything.

It was possibly one of the most romantics evenings I've ever experienced, but the voice at the back of my mind kept on twitching in surprise.

How long has he known, that this is where I go here for some head space?

Does he know about Jacques? Is the real question I'm asking myself.

Why am I so selfish, why can't having one person be enough.

Why do I need multiple, why am I trying to implode on my relationship with the one I'm destined to? Why am I trying to mess with the course that destiny has already drawn out?

I know that something one day would punish me for trying to dictate it myself and I'm dreading it. My body spammed at the though of things being disrupted in our relationship.

He's my everything.

I can't stop my sub-conscious from judging my actions, but somehow they only seem to click after I've done them.

I blinked in awe of the text message that had just blinked up on my phone.

12:27am
Harvey:

Char, it's Lis - she's missing.
Call me.

H.

Before any falter of hesitation I await the reassurance of Harvey's voice. Pins and needles dug into my voice box, I was struggling to breath and search for calm words.

"Harvs."

"Char."

"What's going on? Where's Lisa? What do you mean she's missing?"

"Char, when I said she's missing I sorta meant something else. Char, it would be a lot easier to have this conversation in person."

"Harvey, what's going on. You haven't spoken to me in a couple of years and now you're telling me that my old best friend is missing of course, I'm confused."

"Char, she's been missing for a year and we haven't been able to track her down. The reason why I called you was because she sent you a letter."

"What the fuck is going on right now." I quickly started to hyperventilate.

"I'm in your apartment , would you mind coming to meet me."

"How did you-."

"Spare key." He answered before I'd even gotten the chance of asking my question.

"Fine. I'll be thirty minutes."

"Should I be worried?" I squeaked as Fede pulled my body closer to his.

"Char, you have nothing to worry about."

My thoughts rushed back to my initial dilemma as I lay across from my sound sleep boyfriend.

Am I really doing anything wrong? We're just friends.

I've missed Harvey so much.

I promise nothing more, maybe a couple of flirtatious conversations every once in a while, but I've never let it go that far.

I noticed that look on Jacques face every time we say our goodbyes, he always acts like it might be the last moment he'll ever see me again.

That's the impact I've always wanted to have on a person, now I have that impact on two people.

It's addictive.

Jacques is just so quixotic, he posses this impulsive unpredictability that makes me hormones rush in excitement.

He was just so evocative; suggestive in a way that seemed so subtle it hurt my brain to realise.

The main reason why I'm so on edge at the though of Fede preparing this the whole of yesterday is because, Jacques and I spent the morning together and it might have resulted in a stolen kiss.

But in my defense, I was completely taken by surprise.

It felt exhilarating but wrong simultaneously time, is that even possible?

I used to think I was the innocent prey, who would confined to her predator, but now I feel like the roles have reversed.

I'm in control.

And probably the worst part is that all the intensity has inspired my writing so much lately, although I don't really get to pick what I write about; it's better than being an unknown voice amongst the bleak void.

Is that wrong, am I using them to arouse my creativity?

After Jacques kissed me, I didn't know whether I should scowl at him or praise him in more affections for finally being the brave one.

"That was unexpected." I gushed in a heavy breathe, my insides were tingling in a bubble of adrenaline.

"Don't play games with me, Charlotte you kissed me back remember. You're so provocative it burns my eyes to even look at you sometimes. Leave him for me, you know he's too possessive of you, you know you're unhappy. " He brushed his hand against my flushed cheeks.

"You know you want to be with me, we're so perfect for each other. If you can look me straight in the eye and tell me that you don't feel it too, then I know you're just lying to yourself because you're afraid of what we could be." He spoke in a passive aggressive tone.

He was right about one thing, I was lying to everyone.

" This isn't fair, you knew what the situation was before we became friends. You knew what you were getting yourself into, so don't pity me with chat about how I should be the better person. The stronger one who pushes her feelings aside for one guy and then carries on with another. It's not that easy."He gulped for air to fill his lungs.

"And I know I'm the person who's in the wrong, I know that. It's just everything up till now has seemed fine."

I caught a breath quickly before my body fainted out of exhaustion, this conversation had already dranied all my energy; I could feel him not listening to me from this point onwards.

"But I kinda feel like, the universe has just turned upside down. Right now, I think I just need some time to mull it over. Please don't be mad at me. " I brushed his shoulder, trying to comfort the sorrowing that I need was growing inside his heart.

That sobbering moment had happened, the one I had been dreading since that night on the roof of my building.

It's the moment I'd been dreading the most and yet quizically I seemed so calm about the whole situation.

I've had a while to map out, what I would do after this sign and yet I've never been so unsure of myself in my life.

Can I still have both of them?

Right now, I can't imagine losing either of them. I need them in my life for different purposes.

I think that's the beauty that is beginning to unravel infront of my eyes.

The fact that it's possible to be destined to more than one person and bring out the best in them, and somewhat in yourself.

Pale days pale ways pale identity embrace serenity. A phrase that I've made up myself and I think it sums up my feelings right now.

Before I met either of these magnificent creatures I felt a sheet of paper which only knew one use.

To be written on by others, but now I feel like I've found pieces of myself that I didn't even fathom existed.

Unmasking the inner spirit that thrives inside of me.

They've both taught me that there comes a stage in your life, when your faults are the cracks that fill the gaps between your teeth and make you smile brighter than you ever used to before.

Maybe I'm just babbling nonesense but I can't let them go yet. Not quite ready to deal with our departure.

Somehow it comes down or either or nor and I'm not letting either of them go that easily.

My lungs were working over time as I sprinted up the stairs towards my apartment. My hands were shaking ferociously as I tried to jab my keys into the lock.

But before I tried to calm myself down, the door swung open and I was amazed at the sight that stood in front of me. It was Harvey but not my Harvey.

He stood there a broken man in my eyes. The skin around his eyes was stained blochy red by the tears that had obviously been shed during my absence.

I embraced him as if I hadn't seen him in years, he was broken and I felt obliged to stick him back together.

"Harvey I need to tell you something, Fede and me are ..." I stammered as his eyes rummaged my face for an emotion.

Confusion was written across mine and adoration on his.

"Char, did I ever tell you how much I love you?" He pecked my cheek and let out a sigh of relief.

In that moment I forgot about everything and was just stuck in awe at the word that had escaped his mouth.

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✶ So Char is kinda being a little selfish don't you think? She wants everything but somehow I don't think destiny will let her cling onto it all for much longer. Jacques is just in the midst of it all, what are your thoughts?✶

― I used to believe in one true soul mate, but not anymore. I believe you can have a few. ―

― Paul Walker ―