Chapter 30

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Jacques

Lies are consuming, that's what's so delicious about them. You become engrossed in a language that suffocates the truth from ever being produced.

She never could lie, or hide the way she felt about me. We never spoke about the stolen kisses we'd shared every so often. But I didn't really mind, it fuelled my beliefs that one day she would be mine.

I hid something from her a year ago, a letter he'd written before he hung himself out to dry. It was such a shame, that Fede was never the same after her incident.

At the time I felt jealous of him, jealous of the way she'd look at him with this longing to be at peace with her lover. That's the way, I looked at her. She just never returned my glance.

He delivered the letter to my door, at the time he seemed agitated. It didn't understand why?

Thinking about it now, he'd lost his marbles down the sink, and at this point they were rolling down the drain. If there ever was a face that could portray the purest form of melancholy, his could.

So I read it and I've regretted doing so, ever since. I need to show her, but she's been avoiding me, ignoring my messages, hiding her self away from the faces of those who care the most. But see her the least.

Dear Mi Amor a primera vista,

My love at first sight. I loved you more than words could ever care to explain, but if by some chance you wish to understand, my darling then I will care to explain.

You were the name that was always left upon my lips, the kiss I always missed when we where not in presence of the other. You were the sunrise to my dismal existence, on occasion.

You were the spectrum of colours that my eyes were blessed to see. You were an entirety of beauty, you didn't even need to posses an attractive attire to have me at your mercy. Flechazo, my love at first sight.

You tried to fill the holes that eroded my sense of feeling, you tried to stretch my sense of living, beyond the possibilities I ever would have wished to have achieved. You tried to be the woman, you thought I wanted you to be.

But, Charlotta you were the bubbles that effervesced across the plain of my grey sky. You made me realise things about myself, I didn't even know were inside my soul. I changed my perspective from negative to positive. And for that I am forever in your debt.

I brought my shadow of sadness and slowly stitched into your own. I made your troubles worsen, by tightening my grip on your liberty. You filled my thoughts with concern that grew to obsession. And for that I am forever in your debt.

My darling, this has and never will be my final fair well. You of all people, can understand that I have completed my ellipse of this life time.

You made it complete. You made it worthwhile. You completed my empty soul and allowed it resurface to what it once was. And for that I am forever in your debt.

But mi amore, how can a man of my caliber live a life forever in your debt? I cannot my darling girl. It simply is not how I wish to fill the rest of my days and for that my love, is my reasoning for doing so.

Anoche soñé contigo y esta manana no me quiero despertar. Last night I dreamed of you and this morning I did not want to wake up. It made me realise how far away my real sense of being had further drifted.

From the man who loved you more than life itself.

Sin tu amor la vida no vale la pena. Without your love life isn't worth it.

Federico Oleastro
(Fede to you my darling)

She didn't see him before he left. This was his way of telling her that he was leaving. I can't really forgive myself for letting curiosity get the better of me. I read every single word of that letter and my eyes burned at the passion he'd bleed into word.

I'm quite relieved that she's been avoiding me, because I don't really want to explain myself. I don't know if my apologise will really do her justice. I broke his trust in the time when he needed a friend the most, because I'm in love with his girl.

I didn't understand why I chose to be so selfish in those brief moments as I tore open the envelope, clearly addresses to Charlotte. And yet, I didn't care.

After a lot of consideration I decided that this guilt had consumed too much of my self respect.

I decided that a year to the day was bad enough not to show my face and be there for her. She needed me, she knew it, as did I. But we both refused to accept defeat to the fact that she was suffering a period of heartache.

As I approached her apartment, I felt my hands begin to sweat vigorously. I was nervous. I was more than nervous, I was afraid.

Afraid about what she will think about the person, I'd let myself become, because I wanted her. I didn't need her like he did, I wanted to enjoy her company due to my selfish desires.

I wrapped my knuckles across her door, three times and there was no response. I tried to work up enough courage to voice her name, but I couldn't.

I thought about where else she would be, if she wasn't in her apartment. I tried to ignore the thoughts bombarding my conscious that she might have left, she might have topped herself, she might have joined him in the otherside. It became difficult to ignore these thoughts.

In a whim of desperation, I decided that I would go bum a smoke on the roof terrace. That's where I found a girl wrapped in blankets, her face was emotionless. She appeared to be broken. Both physically and mentally. I felt awful.

"Charlotte." I managed to blurt out, although I tried to fight an urge to embrace this creature that sat a few metres away from me, " I can't even imagine how your feeling right now, I'm so so . . ."

"Stop right there. You can't just show up and think that everything is going to just be alright. And yes I'm sure you can't even start to imagine how I'm feeling." She snapped before I'd even been allowed to apologise.

"Yes, Jacques you fucked up. Where have you been when I needed you the most? Too lost in  your delusional selfish little mind, to set it straight for you: she died, he died and any feelings toward you have also died. Please leave, and never ever come back, because I don't need a piece of shit like you to ever be considered one of my friends."

She cocked her head after she spat her venom in my direction. She was hurt, I knew I'd messed up, but I just assumed she needed me more than she hurt.

"Charlotte, I never meant to hurt you like this, I've just been scared. This whole situation is just so much for any of us to handle, I'm sorry I've been so consumed in myself. I'm an absolute idiot, but an idiot who is extremely sorry. I'm so sorry for not being there for you, these past months. It's been hell for me, I'm really mean it. I've missed you, I've missed us. I'm so sorry, I'm not sure what else to say."

"Then don't say anything else and just leave." She took another drag of her cigarette.

"Is that what you really want me to do?" Jacques sat down next to her, now sharing her the same view she'd been peering at for months on end.

"Yes, Jacques that's exactly what I want."

"You don't mean that, I know you. Your  just trying to make a point, I'm not leaving your side Charlotte, now I'm back by it. I have no interest to leave again. I learnt my lesson the hard way, but that doesn't mean I have any interest in walking away from you. Your my best friend Charlotte, I love you more than you know."

"Well you have a funny way of being a friend to me. Not being here when I needed you the most, was probably the worst thing you could have ever done. The respect I used to have for you is non existent, please leave."

"Charlotte, I need to tell you something that I'm pretty sure you will hate me for, even though you probably hate me right now."

"Tell me."

"Well, this time last year Fede posted a letter through my door and I was supposed to give it to you. But I never did."

"Who gave you the audacity to dictate my life? I sure as hell never did, so please tell me Jacques how you thought I would have benefited from not reading this letter? Did you think that I'd fall madly in love with a low life like you, just because he's gone. Your so full of yourself, it's disgusting. Where's this letter, give it to me."

Jacques placed the letter in her awaiting hand, and made no attempt to read her expression as her expression.

"Thank you for bringing this, although I would have appreciated if you had done as he had asked. You can leave now, I don't think it would be appropriate to continue whatever is going on between us, you betrayed my trust and now my heart."

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  ― Jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire.―

― Solomon Ibn Gabirol―