His mouth drops open. As does mine.

"What did you say?" I gasp.

"Nevermind what I said, what the fuck did you just say?"

"You just asked me to marry you, Jake..." I'm trying my hardest not to smile because he looks very serious now.

"Yeah, I know Alex. Now, tell me what you just said." His voice is a touch higher than normal, suspicion clouding his turquoise stare.

I take a deep breath to calm myself. "I'm pregnant." When he says nothing I widen my eyes expectantly. "I'm having your baby," I add.

His mouth is still open wide as all sorts of emotion finally start to move over his handsome features: he pales first, then turns red, then his breathing speeds up and he licks his lips.

Chewing his lip furiously, he turns his head to look out of the windscreen and runs a hand over his mouth catching his facial hair in his grip and stroking it down the length under his chin. When he finally looks back at me his face is back to ashen. God, he looks terrified.

"You're... you're pregnant?"

I nod. He nods. Then he stops nodding and starts to shake his head.

"How?" He asks. "I mean I know how, but I thought you said you were on the pill?"

Heat rushes to my cheeks. "I was. I mean, I thought I was. I was... careless; the week after I found out about Caleb, after we fought..." I drop my eyes. "I was supposed to start my cycle again but I didn't. I forgot. Then the night on the stairs... then the next day was when.." I'm rambling.  I decide to stop only because his face is screwed up in what looks like abject disbelief. Also, I'm certain he knows what the next day was anyway.

"You forgot?" He sounds incredulous. I pull my chin up as the embarrassment flares hotter and is joined by something else — anger. Is he going to try and blame all of this on me? Oh, he better not.

"Yes, Jake. I forgot." I grit.

He thinks about responding but decides against it, turning instead to stare out at the pitch black road ahead. A moment later he turns back round as though something has just this second occurred to him.

"When did you find this out?" he asks. "How long have you known?"

"Not long." I answer quickly. Too quickly.

His eyes narrow. "How long is 'not long' Alex? Were we still apart?"

"What? God no," I shake my head. "I only found out last week. I did a test at work. But I wanted to wait until I was sure before telling you."

His eyes narrow further. "Sure? Sure about what? Keeping it?"

"No, not that! I mean sure about it being positive - I wanted to wait until I spoke to my doctor. I also didn't think it was the best time to tell you. There was too much going on."

"Too much going on?" Incredulous again. "You couldn't have found five fucking minutes to tell me you were pregnant Alex?! Seriously? Fucking hell," He growls.

"Stop swearing at me Jake," I tell him calmly. "And that's not what I meant either. I meant too much going on with Dan and your deal that I didn't want to worry you or stress you anymore. I wanted to handle it on my own."

"Oh, on your own? I see," he nods. "Nice of you to think of me, baby." If there was such a thing as a sarcastic nod then it's what Jake is doing it right now. "So why you telling me now?"

"What? I don't understand."

"Well, I mean there's still a shitload going on Alex, why are you telling me this now?" he sounds like he's attempting to be reasonable, even though his voice is still a pitch higher than usual.

Why am I telling him this now?

"Well... I wanted you to know..." I venture.  "And because you had a right to know."

A visible light snaps on in his eyes. "And there we are! Got there in the fucking end, didn't we? Yeah, I had a right to know, Alex."

I feel myself harden. My next words aren't anything I'm proud of.

"Is this how you reacted when Vicky told you she was pregnant too?"

He flinches, his nostrils flaring as he grits his teeth hard. I can almost hear the sound of him grinding them from here. "This is nothing like me and Vicky, Alex." He says quietly.

"Really? How so?" I fold my arms.

His face screws up. "Because I fucking love you for a start!" he snaps. "I love you and I trust you and here was me thinking you felt the same fucking way."

My mouth drops open as a renewed sense of tearfulness comes over me. "Of course I feel the same way!" I shout back. How can he even think otherwise? "You know I do for goodness sake. Of course, I love you and trust you!"

"Then why keep this from me? Why not tell me right away? I don't get it? What the fuck were you waiting for?" He shakes his head, confused now. There's a hint of betrayal in his eyes and it only magnifies the guilt I feel.

"I told you, I was waiting... for the right time. I didn't want you to be upset or angry about it." I say pointedly. I wanted him to be happy and overjoyed.

He nods slowly as he considers this. "And what happened to you not wanting to create any more secrets between us?" He asks.   At that I drop my eyes and say nothing. Because I have nothing. "You lied to me Alex."

Oh that's unfair. I lift my head back up. "I didn't lie to you, Jake."

He considers this. "Okay but you didn't tell me the truth about it either, did you?" Is what he says.

He's used my own words against me. The very words I used about his hiding Caleb from me. And he's completely right.

I close my eyes and shake my head. "I didn't, no. I'm sorry. I just... I didn't want to give you something else to worry about. I thought I was doing the right thing," I offer.

"Alex, do you honestly think I don't worry about you anyway?" he asks, his tone softer before he lets out a loud tired sounding sigh. When I open my eyes to look at him he's running his hand over his beard again, for comfort I think. He looks out the window as he speaks again. "I worry about you all the fucking time. What I've done to your life, what I'm putting you through every fucking day with this shit," he turns to look at me then. "Fuck Alex, the thought of you carrying this massive thing about with you and being scared to tell me? How the hell do you think that makes me feel?"

I take my time before answering him.

"Well... it's not that massive yet, it's still pretty small. Pea-sized." I chance a smile.

His face softens a fraction more, the side of his mouth quirking. "Alex, I'm serious."

I sigh loudly and nod, turning away from his glare. "Okay, well, I guess I never really thought about it like that. I don't want you to feel like that. I wasn't scared to tell you.. it wasn't that. I was just worried about how you'd react."

"You thought I wouldn't be happy about it?" His voice is sad now.

I cast a sideways glance at him. "Well... you don't look happy about it." My voice is uncertain.

He gives me a look of accusation which evaporates almost immediately as he reaches across the car and takes my hand. He settles our hold over where my other hand is resting flat on my stomach.

"Well.. this is me over the fucking moon about it, just so you know." He says gently, green eyes soft now.

I smile. "Really?" His touch is so warm and the heat passes from him to me to the small bump under my dress before beginning to spread outward.

"Yeah, really." He nods. And sure enough, a slow smile starts to spread across his mouth, his eyes filling with the same undisguised warmth. "I just don't deal with surprises well, that's all."

"Well that's good to know," I say. Soon I feel my own mouth begin to mirror his and then we're both smiling at each other across the car.

He moves towards me and presses his mouth to mine, stroking his tongue tenderly across my own before moving his hand out of mine so that it's settled directly on top of the small bump. Then he looks down. "I can't fucking believe you're having my baby," he sounds awed. Then a few seconds later he groans, "Shit."

"What's wrong?"

"I just thought about what your mum is gonna say. She's going to hand me my fucking arse, isn't she? I've knocked up her baby daughter."

I giggle. "Hmmm. Well, if our baby ends up winning the Nobel peace prize one day she'll forgive you. But even then..." I grimace playfully.

He sits back across the car in his own seat and drops his head back in the rest. "Ahh fuck it," he sighs. "Good looking and polite was way more than I deserved anyway." He pulls his seatbelt on and ruffles a hand through his hair and settles into the seat while I continue staring at him. "What?" he asks, perplexed. "Can we go home now? It's been a long fucking day for me and my pregnant girlfriend don't you think?"

I widen my eyes. "It has been. But have you forgotten something?"

"Have I?" He looks about the car and then outside and then back at me, still confused. "What?"

"Oh, I don't know? How about you asking me to marry you.'"

"Oh, yeah, that..." He looks almost shy. It's adorable.  "You sort of stole my thunder with that a bit.."

I smile. "Yes, I guess I did." I bite my lip as I watch him closely. "Did you mean it?"

A crease appears between his eyebrows. "Course I meant it."

"Okay."

"Okay?" He frowns. "Hmmm. I kinda thought it was a 'yes' or 'no' sort of question?" He looks a little anxious now. When I hesitate he turns, shifting toward me in his seat. "You don't want to marry me?" The vulnerability in his tone makes something tighten across my chest.

"No," I answer immediately. That wasn't it. Then I realise what I've said. "I mean, not no. It's just, I mean... well, what made you ask me?" Something told me it wasn't planned. He had a look of epiphany on his face as the words spilled from his mouth.

He thinks about this a moment before speaking. "Because it's what I want," he says with a half shrug.  Because I know what I want when I see it. "And because I never want to be in a situation where I regret not saying something to you. I've made too many fuck ups with that, with not telling you things - I don't want to make any more," his voice is strong and clear. I try not to think about why he would ever be in a situation where he wouldn't be able to say to me all the things he wants to say to me. "And because I want to be able to call you my wife, Doctor Marlowe," he grins.

It causes something debilitating to happen to my breathing and my body, like I'm made of liquid or as though I may be about to melt into pool of something right there.

Father of my child. My husband. Oh Christ, I want that too.

Biting back a smile, I meet his eye. "You know, I won't be Doctor Marlowe if I marry you?"

"If you marry me?" He quirks a brow.  The sheer amount of confidence in his expression now makes me laugh out loud.

"Someday I might," I shrug.

He chuckles, nodding proudly. "So that's not a no then?"

I make a non-committal sound and reach to turn on the engine.

"I love you, tell me you know that." He says quietly.

I stop, turn to him, and stretch across the car. Kissing him deeply on the lips, I moan against his mouth before pulling up to stroke the tip of my nose across his. "I know that. And I love you back, tell me you know that?"

"I know you do," he says softly. He grazes his hand purposely over my tummy and let's out a soft sigh.

"I am sorry for not telling you right away — I should have told you as soon as I found out. I wanted to... I just..." I stop, afraid of saying the wrong thing, and sit back with a shake my head. "I'm just sorry."

He reaches across the car to take my hand in his again, squeezing my fingers tightly. "I get it," he says.  "But promise me you won't ever keep something like this from me again. I don't want you somewhere else on your own Alex, even in your head, yeah?"

Thinking of the other thing I still have to tell him about, I drop my eyes from his and nod.

"Ok. I promise," I twist my hand in his to grip my fingers tight around his own.

***

I awake in the darkness of the bedroom pressed close to him. The curtains aren't fully closed meaning that the moonlight shines through the window and spills artfully over the end of the bed where Fred sleeps softly by Jake's feet.

I'd fallen asleep immediately, due most likely to the fact that the secret was now free from its cage and out in the world. After we'd gotten into bed he'd wrapped me up in his arms and stroked his fingers through my hair until my eyes had closed over in a warm relieved kind of sleep.

Now, blinking open my eyes, I turn my head to look at him and find him awake, watching me. The crease between his eyebrows tells me he's been thinking hard, too hard probably, which worries me. Below the covers, I feel his hand resting gently on top of my stomach. When I smile at him the crease softens and I see his eyes lighten even in the darkness.

"Hi," I whisper.

"Back to sleep," he replies softly.

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

"Thinking of baby names," he smiles. "Now get back to sleep."

Ignoring him, I turn onto my side so that we're facing one another. "Have you slept at all?"

"Not tired," He exhales. "Too much on my mind."

I nod, guilt flaring up again. "I'm sorry."

He frowns again. "Why are you sorry?"

I let out a deep breath. "Because I could have hung onto it for a bit longer. Until you did what you had to do... I should have done that maybe. That's what I wanted to do."

"Alex, what did I say in the car?" he says crossly. "That's not what I meant — that's not what I was thinking about."

"What, then?" I ask.

He shifts closer to me pressing the front of his body against mine. He's naked and his body is warm - so warm - a plane of hard ridged muscle at rest below the sheets. As he looks down at me I stare up longingly at his mouth as it peeks out from the rich hair covering the lower half of his face.

I want to kiss him. So I do. A soft brush of my lips over his. 

I wonder if every woman who looks at him wants to kiss him. His mouth to me has always seemed made for kissing. It's hard to think of anything else but kissing him when staring exclusively at it. Jake Lawrence was an addictive, unforgettable man. And he was mine. And he was going to be the father of my child. And he wanted to marry me. The pure elation I felt at these things really shouldn't be undermined.

"How long were you trying to decide if it was what you wanted?" He says, speaking finally. His voice is still calm but I can feel the weight in it.

My mouth drops open in horror. "Jake that's not what it was. That's not why I didn't tell you."

"But it never even crossed your mind?"

"No. Not for a moment. I wanted your baby almost the instant I knew I was pregnant. It was one of the easiest decisions I've ever made." I give him a knowing smile.

After watching my eyes closely for a long moment he lets out a sigh that sounds like relief. Then he grins at me.  "I do make pretty good babies."

I laugh softly and bring my hand up to brush my fingers through his beard. "You really do. Beautiful, smart, adorable ones."

"You will too," he says with confidence. "Fucking hell it's going to be perfect isn't it?" Below the sheets, his hand moves back and forth over my stomach.

"It will be perfect.  I just wish the timing was better," I say quietly.

Jake only shrugs. "When I met you the timing wasn't perfect, but look at us now."

I reach up to kiss him again, this time slipping my tongue between his lips the instant they part for me. He moans softly and pulls me tighter to his body, warm hard chest pressing against mine. When I pull back from his mouth he keeps his eyes closed and licks his lips before his lids flutter open. He pulls back from me and a look of wonderment moves into his green eyes.

"I honestly can't believe we're having a fucking baby," he says, sounding awed again.

"Believe it. It's happening. In about seven months..." I sigh.

He swallows, nods and then a look of determination comes over his eyes. "Things will be different this time, so fucking different."

"You mean different from how they were when Caleb was born?" I ask. He half nods before dropping his stare from mine. "What happened when Caleb was born, Jake?" He doesn't want to talk about it, that much is written plainly across his face. But I need to know this now and I'm not sure why.

"I just... I wasn't there. I didn't want to be there for her. I had no interest in her, or him," he closes his eyes and shakes his head. I suppose if his past times back then were setting up drug deals, fucking lap dancers over pool tables, and doing cocaine it's no real surprise that he had no interest in being there for his pregnant ex-girlfriend.

Loathe as I am to admit it, Jake's relationship with Vicky has always intrigued me. The obligation he spoke of — which I now knew had to do with her uncle Dan —, the kind of relationship they'd had when they were together, the circumstances around their drunken mistake that resulted in little Caleb. I couldn't see them together as a couple no matter how hard I'd tried. And the masochistic part of my brain had tried. Perhaps my brain just didn't want to think of them as a couple. Perhaps it was some sort of subconscious self defence mechanism.

"I'm sure you weren't as bad as you think Jake..." I venture softly, diplomatically.

"Yeah I was," he says. "You still don't get the kind of person I was back then, do you?"

"Our chat about Stephanie certainly helped paint a picture."

He looks guilty again. "Yeah, well I was worse with Vicky. I'm surprised Dan didn't cut my fucking balls off for how I treated her."

"Did you ever care about her?" I'm not sure why I'm asking that or why it matters, but I want to know.

"I don't know. Maybe when we first got together. I was young, I guess I thought I loved her. I had no fucking clue what a relationship was meant to be, had fuck all to compare it with.  We fought all the time, sometimes physically," he chances a look at me. "I mean, I never hit her but fucking hell wanted to, a lot," a look of guilt flutters over his eyes. "Even if just in retaliation — this," he brings his hand up and touches the faint scar on his eyebrow. "She smashed a glass in my face one night for looking at another girl in a club. Eight fucking stitches." He shakes his head dismissively.

"Oh my god..." I gasp. I had actually always liked the little scar over his left eyebrow, the faint diagonally placed line that looked like it had been put there on purpose. Now I think I hate it.  I certainly hate that someone who was supposed to love him had hurt him. A pattern in Jake's life seemingly.

Had he ever been loved properly by anyone other than Caleb until I came along?

"I honestly used to think that was what love was, fighting all fucking the time," he goes on. "wanting to kill each other all the time... I thought it meant we cared about each other." He laughs emptily and shakes his head. "Madness."

"Is she still violent?" I ask. It's Caleb I'm worried about. She looked murderous that day in Jake's apartment.

"I think I brought out the worst in her." He admits.

"So with Caleb....?"

His eyes darken and he shakes his head again. "She'd never hurt him. She's a lot of things but she isn't that... She knows I'd kill her if she ever laid a finger on him. No." Another firm shake of his head. I nod, relaxing.

"So... how did he happen then?" I ask after a moment of strained silence. "You were drunk, you said?"

He groans very quietly, an uncomfortable sound of regret. I know he doesn't regret Caleb, but clearly, he still has feelings of regret about the act itself. "Yeah. That. And I guess we weren't careful," he flicks his eyes to me and catches the look I'm giving him. "I know what you're thinking, but Alex me and her weren't like you and me, not even fucking close. The night we were together I can barely even remember. We used a condom but it split -  she said she'd sort it. I believed her." He shrugs looking deeply uncomfortable. "Next time I saw her was a few months later." An awful notion washes over me then, which oddly his next words attend to. "I told her it wasn't mine at first. I mean what were the fucking chances? One fucking time?"

I give him a long look. One time was all it took for us too. Jake gives me a lopsided smile. "Yeah okay... point taken," he says sheepishly.

"Then what happened? How did she react to that?"

A deep sigh. "She went to Dan. He told me to sort my shit out and do the right thing by her. He told me to grow up and deal with my 'fucking mess'. His words. I didn't need to marry her but I had to look after her and my baby when it came. He was right - it's one of the only things he's been right about. So I did. But I barely saw her when she was pregnant. I hated her and I hated it — resented her so fucking much. I remember the day she told me it was a 'him'. She'd found out at the scan," He closes his eyes and looks like he might be in pain. "I told her it didn't matter if it was a boy or a girl because it was still a bastard that nobody fucking wanted, least of all me." When he opens his eyes to look at me there's something expectant in them. He's waiting for me to say something, to tell him how awful he was, how unforgivable his words were.

I take my time, considering my words carefully.

"So people can change then?" Is what I say. "Because you're an amazing father, Jake. I've seen it. I've seen you with him — how you look at him and talk to him. I've seen how he looks at you. He adores you - you're his whole world, like he's yours. You're not that person anymore, you're just not." I tell him firmly. He looks like he might disagree with me but he doesn't. He lets out a breath and closes his eyes. "But when did it change for you? When did you realise you wanted to be his father?" I ask.

He opens his eyes and swallows hard, his eyes taking on a faintly distant glaze as he recalls back some memory.

"As soon as I saw him," he says softly. "Everything changed. His eyes were squeezed shut so tight, and his little hands looked like fists and he was so fucking small," his voice is rough and slightly choked up and it causes a lump to rise and lodge itself in my throat.

Oh, the image I have of Jake looking at his son for the first time is powerful. It whips up all sorts of emotion in me; some I'm not proud of.

"I wanted to protect him, you know?" He continues. "I wanted to make sure nothing ever hurt him. Everything I thought I wanted or needed changed the second I saw him.. " he says. He refocusses his eyes on me again and smiles. "I felt the same way when I saw you the first time."

Oh my god. I want to cry. As my eyes tear up, he lowers his head to press his forehead against my own and takes another deep breath. "Everything's going to be different this time, baby. I'm going to be there to look after you, both of you. I promise you that Alex."

"I know you will," I tell him. "I know."

He lowers his mouth to mine and kisses me deeply, shifting me so that I'm cocooned under him but so that he's not putting any weight on me anywhere. I moan softly when he slides his hand between my legs and strokes me there for a moment before moving his fingers up to my stomach. Pressing his palm flat against my tummy, he separates our mouths and lifts his head up to peer downwards to where his hand is.

"I can't believe I never worked it out — how fucking dozy am I?" he sounds annoyed at himself.

"You have been a little pre-occupied..." I say. "Also, I was sneaky..." Something else I wasn't proud of.

"Yeah, you were, weren't you?" he gives me a wary look.

"Are you happy?" I ask, changing the subject. I so want him to be happy. I'm happy. We still had this bloody mess to untangle ourselves from but about this, I was buoyant and relieved and happy.

"Of course I am. You make me happy, you know that." He strokes his nose against mine.

"I mean the baby, does the baby make you happy?"

He pulls his head back up and gives me a look, "A little person growing inside you, made out of you? Yeah, that makes me happy."

"A little person made from me and you." I correct.

"Yeah well, I hope it's more like you..." He touches his lips to my forehead and inhales deeply. I shake my head in disagreement and draw my eyes down the length of his body which he has propped up now on his elbow.

"You'll need to find space for a new one somewhere," I say, letting my hand drift across the inked marks over his chest, down to the lettering on his stomach.  A deeply satisfying tremble moves through me at the idea of him having our child's name etched somewhere on his body.

"Plenty of space left yet," he peers down his body. "I want you on here somewhere too."

"Really?" I glance up at him.

"Yeah, really I've wanted to do it for a while now."

"And where would you have me?"

He meets my eye and lifts an eyebrow. "You're fucking asking for it, Doctor."

"I'm in a delicate condition," I smile sweetly.

"What? Can we not? Until the baby comes?" his face transforms into one of confused shock and horror. Oh god, how adorable. Cruelly, I decide to play with him for a bit.

"Um no, penetrative sex is actually very dangerous for the baby," I tell him with as serious an air as I can muster.

"You're fucking kidding me?" he frowns, incredulous.

"I mean lots of people do it but I'd rather not take the risk," I give him a grave look. "It may come early?" I suggest, biting back a smile.

"Yeah? Well someone fucking should" he grumbles.

I'm grinning widely now and his brows drop suddenly in realisation as his eyes narrow.

"You are fucking unbelievable...What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you even joke about something like that?" He glowers.

"You really need to work on that language, they hear everything you know." I giggle, looking down at my stomach.

"Hmph. That include my filthy mouth too? The one you love so fucking much?" He begins moving down my body, spreading my legs as he lowers himself. When he reaches my stomach he presses his mouth to it tenderly, before licking his tongue across it and kissing it deeper. "Anyway you, little one, are gonna need to get used to the sound of my voice, cause it's going to be telling you what to do for a long fucking time.." he says to the small bump of my stomach.

I giggle and rest my head back against the pillow. "God help any potential boyfriend if we have a girl.." I muse.

"What boyfriend?" He lifts his head and fixes me with a hard, deadly serious stare. "Are nuns still a thing?"

"A Nobel peace prize winning nun?" I'm laughing harder now.

"Exactly," He says, lowering his mouth back to my body. He spreads my legs wider, kissing a path down between my thighs, biting and sucking the skin until I'm squirming above him in delight. "Time to make up for earlier...." he breathes softly. "Lie back and stop moving."

"Yes sir," I pant, giggling girlishly. As soon as his mouth touches me there, I gasp loud, my back arching up off the bed. "Oh god Jake...please don't stop." My womb tightens in need as he slips his tongue into the hot wet space between my legs. He sucks hard on my clitoris and moves his mouth from side to side across the throbbing spot. "Oh my god.. That feels so good," He pushes his mouth deeper, spreading me wider with his fingers to work his tongue further inside. He sucks harder, nibbling gently on my clitoris until I feel my climax rush outwards to meet his mouth.

Then, just before I fall over the cliff edge, he untangles his mouth from my body, sliding it out of me so that just the tip of his tongue dances against my heat. My eyes fly open to glare down at him.

"What are you doing?" I gasp. "Please don't stop. Please Jake."

He smirks wickedly at me, his mouth wet and red and tempting as I tilt my hips up hungrily towards it. He breathes over my opening, hard hot breaths against where I need him. He's purposely taunting me. Sadist.

"Jake what are you doing? Please.." I beg.

"Marry me," He says. He kisses me there softly but deeply, his eyes on mine.

I moan in pleasure as something warm bubbles up deliciously from my chest. Marry him. I can't think of anything I want more than that in this moment. Except maybe one thing.  Actually no, two things. The first is for him to lower his mouth and put me out of my misery. The other is to for him to be safe and free of this thing. For him to be out and for us to be able to raise our child without worry or fear.

Marrying him would mean that this was done and we were free. Marrying him would mean we were out of the dark.

"Jake..." I'm breathing hard, my cheeks flushed, my body close to exploding, my heart close to bursting.

"Say you'll marry me and then I'll make you come." He says it so simply, so casually that I want to hit him.

It takes every last bit of strength I have to utter the words aloud.

"Ask me again after... when it's done," I manage.  "When you've done what you have to do. When this thing is over." I add for clarity.

A look of determination comes into his eyes as he stares up at me. "Okay," He nods, "After. When it's done."

He gives me a long lingering look of intent before lowering his mouth to me once more.