Knowing she was coming home to me was a feeling of satisfaction I didn't even know existed.  Was this what being content felt like?

It was different now, being with her.    Before, before I lost her, I spent a lot of time being scared shitless she'd find out who and what I was and she'd leave me. 

And I'd been right, she had left me.

But she'd come back.  

She loved me and wanted me and she'd come back to me. The lies and secrets were out in the open now and by some fucking miracle, she still wanted me.   Luck isn't something I believe in, not really, but I couldn't find any other explanation for it.

Course I still have the Danny-sized problem to deal with; a plan to execute cleanly; a plan which was slowly but surely coming together.  Slowly seemed like the best way to do this. Moving the pieces gently so I didn't knock the whole fucking thing over and give the game away.

I dial Vicky's number but it rings out to answer phone. Part of me is glad about not having to speak to her this instant.  Hearing her voice first thing in the morning isn't something I want to put myself through.  Not after listening to Alex basically purr down the phone at me.

"It's me. I'm free today and wanted to see him, take him to town or the park or something.   Call me back yeah?"  I hang up on her voicemail, throw the covers off and climb out of bed.

I really do feel like rummaging through her knicker drawer. I'd spent a lot of time imagining her in some of those lace sets she wore when we were apart.  When I wasn't moping that was. But something about looking through her underwear makes me feel like a creepy pervert rather than her boyfriend.

Fuck.  Is that what I am?  Her boyfriend?  It feels weird.  Not right. Not enough.  She isn't my girlfriend.   That doesn't really even come close to what she is to me.  Vicky was my girlfriend, once.   Alex is... well.... everything.  There probably isn't a name for what she is. Love of my life comes close, but feels too soft.

Though when it came to her, I was soft. When she was hard on me it softened me, because whenever she's angry all I want to do is hold her and soothe her; fuck her too. Then when she was soft and in my arms it made me hard. She had the greatest, magical effect on me.

Yeah, love of my life is about right.

Her shower is warm and comforting, and as I scrub at my body I gaze around her neat country style bathroom, feeling far more at home here than I probably have a right to.  What would I have said if she'd asked me to move in with her? If she had given me the key with those words.

Could I seriously move out here to the country?  Where people knew my name when I walked down the street, and where people invite me to family barbecues over a garden hedge?

People know my name in certain streets in London too; a lot of streets actually; but that was for different reasons completely. Reasons that made moving out here feel a lot more appealing to be honest. Reasons that made living out here with her sound like fucking paradise. But there was Cale, and being more than ten minutes away from him makes me nervous and edgy. Nah, I need him closer to me not further away. Something the plan should sort out.

I step out of the shower and wrap the soft white bath towel around my waist and go to the rucksack I'd dumped on her dressing table stool. I normally use it for the gym, but on Sunday night I'd actually had to pack a change of clothes for a stay over at my girlfriend's.

Something I'd never done in my life before. I'd shoved in jeans, two T-shirts, two pairs of boxers and a razor I have no plans to use. The clothes are all crushed but fuck it. Just as I'm wondering if she'd give me a drawer to put my clothes in to go with my key, my mobile starts to ring.  As I go to answer it my back, neck and shoulders do their usual involuntary stiffening.

"Hey, you get my voicemail?" I ask her.

"Yeah.  Where are you?" Her voice is high and shrill. I'm sure she's practiced it to be like that so that one syllable can induce a headache in me.

"What the fuck has that got to do with you?" I ask.

When she speaks again her tone is softer.  "I just meant, I came by the flat before but you weren't in.  If you're out then where are you?  The gym?"

"You came by the flat? Vicky, exactly how many times do we have to have the conversation about you not just showing up at my place? What is it about that you don't fucking get? It's not a fucking suggestion."

She sighs. "Yeah well I was passing with your son, I thought you might have wanted to see him you know? And it's not like you have anything to hide from me Jake. I know who you are for fuck sake," she says. "And trust me, if it's in case I bump into any of your tarts, I couldn't give a shit about that either." She lies.

Vicky cared a lot about the whereabouts of my dick. When she finds out about Alex and me, I suspect some attention seeking play will come about soon after.  Which meant she should probably find out sooner rather than later.

"Stop turning up without fucking calling first." I grit.  "Now where are you and I'll come and get him?"

"I'm at the salon, Kel needed a hand today even though it's Tuesday," she huffs.

"He's with you, Caleb?" I knew Sunday Monday and Tuesday's were her days off.

"Course he's with me. You weren't home. Jase is away with the boys this week to Ibiza so I had to bring him with me. He's in the back watching something on his iPad."

I lift my watch, which is on the bedside table next to Alex's neat handwritten note. Beside it there are a pair of her earrings; solid silver with green stones like the ring she always wears. They look like they might be old but they're nice. Like everything she owned they suit her. Kinda like her house, and her clothes, and even her cat was her.

I get the urge to buy her something then, give her something. Or do something romantic. Like a boyfriend is meant to do for his girlfriend I assume.

"So are you coming to get him or not?" Vic presses.

"Yeah, I'll be there in about an hour." I tell her absently before hanging up.  

I dress quickly and leave the house by the back door; locking it with the key she gave me which I then put on my car keys.  What the fuck can I buy Alex that she doesn't have already? Something she'll like.

Fuck, is this what every Christmas is going to be like with her?  Every birthday?  Wondering what I can get her that conveys how much I love her?

When even is her birthday? We'd never talked about that. She knows me better than anyone has ever known me and I don't know her birthday?

As I get into the car I text her;

//By the way, when is your birthday?  I'm thinking I should probably know this shit? Jx//

I arrive at Vic's salon about forty minutes later and open the door to the smell of burning hair, hairspray and that shit they use to lever off nail polish.  It turns my stomach like it always does. 

I spot Vicky chatting to some girl who looks about eighteen in the mirror as she cuts away at the girl's long dark hair. Kelly, spots me first and waves before coming over.

"Jay babe, how are you?" she chirps. "Haven't seen you in ages, you been looking after yourself?" She smiles as she casts her eye over me.  "You're looking well so I guess you 'ave?"

"Yeah not bad Kel. You're looking well too," I tell her because she does.  Better than she looked that night ten months ago, when I fucked her in the back office; the back office my son was playing in right now.

Although I say she looks better, to be honest I don't really remember what she looked like that night.   I don't remember much of anything about that night.  I'd drunk Sal's dry of Jack and relapsed big style. I'd shoved close to £200 of charlie up my nose and to relax and quieten my head I'd fucked Vic's best friend and business partner in the place she part owned.

It wasn't  a night I wanted to remember for a variety of reasons - mainly what caused me to fall off the wagon in the first place. It makes me nervous too because Alex thinks my days as a waster coke head are a lot further behind me than they actually are. Maybe I should talk to her about that? No secrets; everything out in the open. Would she even want to know?

Fucking hell, I really hate coming here.

"Where's my boy then?" I ask Kelly, looking over her shoulder towards the back office. Vic spots me, makes her excuses to her client and rushes over.

"Hey, you got here fast.  I just went to get him a sandwich.  He was hungry.  He's through the back."  She turns, gesturing me to follow her.  Kelly rests her hand on my arm and squeezes softly, then goes back to what she was doing.

For a moment I wonder if Kelly ever told Vicky what happened, but then I realise that I don't actually give a shit.

Vicky leads me through a door, which is wedged open with a fire extinguisher, and down the corridor that has a few rooms leading off. I know one these holds a massage bed. I know this because before I fucked Kelly from behind on the sofa in the back office, she offered to give me a massage in one of them. She was qualified she said.

In the end I told her to just suck my dick. I remember her not being very good at. It kinda surprised me because she has a sort of a full mouth and a tongue piercing so it seemed a given it'd be decent. My mind flits briefly to Alex, and to how her mouth feels wrapped around my dick. She was definitely the best of anything I'd ever had.

Kelly and I had never spoken about that night again, but she'd cast the usual flirtatious/hopeful glances in my direction any time I came in here, or anytime we saw each other.

Interesting since Vic had told me plenty back then about how her friends, who I guess included Kelly, had told her to get rid of me back when we were together. They'd told her having my kid was a big mistake.  How I'd never be there for her. How I wasn't worth her time. My recollection of how much Kelly thought my time was worth ten months ago is a bit different.

The room I fucked Kelly in looks like it's had a re-vamp.  I think.  Least I'm pretty sure the couch was black leather before. It was now a grey corner fabric one. I really hope it's new because the thought of Cale on the same sofa where I fucked his "Aunt Kelly" makes me a little queasy.

Caleb is sat cross legged on it, his headphones on, while he munches happily on brown bread sandwich. He's beautiful. My son is beautiful. Other than Alex, he's the only perfect pure thing I've ever laid eyes on.  How the fuck I managed to end up with them both is truly beyond me.

I walk over and ruffle his hair softly and he looks up at me.  His eyes widen and he begins bouncing up and down on the couch, his ipad discarded to his side like the sandwich.

"Dadddddy!!!" He squeals.

I reach down and lift him up into my arms with an exaggerated groan and plant a kiss on his forehead.

"Hey Buddy, what's up?  Wanna hang out for a bit?  Come shopping with your dad?"  I ask him.   His head bobs enthusiastically, before he looks at Vic for approval I guess. When he starts to nibble the nail on his forefinger I reach down and pull it gently out of his mouth, shaking my head at him in warning.

"Where you taking him?" She asks me.   "Shopping for what?  Don't buy him anymore bloody toys Jake he has enough fucking shit."

My back tenses and my jaw hardens, as I bite my tongue. I turn back to smile at Cale.

"Where's your jacket buddy?" I ask.

"Aunty Kelly hanged it up." He replies.

I lower him to the floor and tell him to go ask Aunty Kelly to get it for him and come back with it buttoned up, to show me how he can put it on himself. 

When I hear his little feet scurrying down the corridor, I turn my stare back on his mother. Fuck I hate calling her that. Some deep desperate bit of me wishes Alex were his mother. Some part of me wishes my son was Alex's son, not Vicky's .

"First off," I start. "If I want to buy him toys, or clothes, or a baby grand fucking piano I'll do it yeah?"  I move a little closer to her so I can lower my voice. "And secondly, watch your fucking mouth in front of him. How many times do I have to say it? I know it's hard for you to keep your trap shut most of the time Vicky, but try yeah? For the sake of him, TRY."

Her nostrils flare and she shakes her head, her eyes narrowed on me. "You have some nerve you know that?"

I tilt my head in question, gesturing with my eyes for her to go on.

"You have no fucking clue what it's like to bring up a kid. None. You waltz in here and sweep him up and you're the good guy because you play football with him and take him to the zoo and buy him toys??" She waves her arms dramatically and then points a finger at her chest, hard. "Well I'm the one who changed his nappies. I'm the one who washes him and puts him to bed and makes sure he has food in his belly. I'm the one who changes his sheets when he wets the bed.  I'm the one who's there for him when he cries for his daddy, wondering why he can't see you every day. So I swear in front him every now and again? It hardly makes me a terrible fucking mother. And trust me Jake, trust me on this, you are far from being a great fucking dad." She says.

Her eyes waver and I can't tell if its anger or because she's going to cry. Vicky crying never has much effect on me. She's a manipulative bitch and I never trust her motives when she cries at me. Which she does frequently.

Yet. The guilt I feel at her words is surprising.  She's accused me of this shit before, not being there enough, but it feels different now. Maybe because I'm trying to be different now, or maybe it's just because I want to be different now.

Or maybe because of Alex, I actually was different now?

She's right though. I'm not a great dad.  I wasn't there when he needed me. I want to be there when he needed me. 

If I did this right then I would be.

"You're right." I say with a nod.

She flinches like I've slapped her. "What?" she looks suspicious.

"You're right.  I don't do enough," I nod.    "I haven't been doing enough. I get it. You've done pretty much everything up to now, yeah I'm about and yeah I've given you money, but it's too much for you. I need to do more for him and I need to be there for him more from now on. Whenever he needs me, I need to be there and I want to be there." I say.   The shock moves over her face, fighting against the wariness.

"What are you saying?" she asks. Her eyes are still suspicious but she looks hopeful now.

"I'm saying it's my turn.  I need to be closer to him."

"Okay," she nods.  "So what does that mean?" A smile lifts the side of her mouth, the pale pink lipstick light and powdery looking against the fake tan of her skin.

"It means he can come live with me now.  Full time."

Her mouth drops open in surprise, her eyes going wide. "Whaat?" Clearly that's not what she expected me to say.

"We'll sign some papers and he'll live with me.  Simple." I keep my voice even as I shrug.  "You can see him as often or as little as you want."

She's says nothing for a minute, clearly speechless. Probably a first. Then slowly her eyes narrow on me again. There's no real part of me that expects her to agree to this; to give away the one thing that keeps me at her beck and fucking call; the one thing that ties her to me. But maybe it will give her something to think about.

"You've never shown any interest in taking him before.  Why now?" she asks, suspicious again.

"It's time, now." I reply.

"But you're always telling me you can't look after a toddler full time.  You couldn't manage on your own with him full time. What's changed?"

"Maybe I've changed."

She makes a snorting sound and laughs.  "Maybe.  But somehow I doubt it," She shakes her head.  "How the hell would you run your nightclub, run for Dan and look after him? You can't look after a three year old on your own Jake. Even if you weren't doing the rest of it, you wouldn't be able to cope with him on your own. No bloody chance."

Just then Caleb comes barreling back into the room with his jacket buttoned, smiling the proudest smile at me. "Look daddy I did it.  I did the buttons."

I reach down and lift him up again. I notice that the top buttonhole is free and the rest are buttoned in the wrong holes all the way down.

"So you did.  What happened here though?" I stick my finger through the free buttonhole at the top and wiggle it at him, lightly tapping him on the nose.  I wink and he giggles, and as he tries to wink back, screwing up both blue eyes at me I laugh.  "Did you lose a button or is this an extra hole?" I ask, frowning for a second, before smiling at him.

"Ummm," he says, biting his bottom lip as he looks confusedly at the top button.  Smiling, I kiss the top of his head and start towards the door, and when I reach it I put him back down.

"Go say bye to Auntie Kelly and try and fix your buttons." I say and he scurries off again at speed.

I turn back towards Vicky and scratch my hand over my head.

"Yeah well, I'm not going to be on my own now."

"What you on about?" She should know about this sooner rather than later.  And now that it was clear, she wasn't up for doing this the clean way, then what the fuck was the point in tiptoeing around it?

"I'll be with Alex.  We're together, again. We got back together. So I wouldn't be looking after him on my own now."  I say evenly. 

I should have discussed this with Alex before trying this route with Vicky, in case by some miracle she had agreed. But Of course she wasn't going to, of course she'd cling onto him with everything she had, especially now.  Of course I was always going to need another plan to get him away from her.

Vicky's face tells me I had better have a better plan B.  Which I did. Little did Vicky know that plan B was the messier of the two options, and it would be far worse for her when I follow through with that.  But it was now the only option. Because I'd do what I had to do to get out of this, with Alex and my son.

"So she put you up to this? That arrogant bitch put you up to trying to take my son away from me?" Her voice is low but it rattles with anger.

"Seriously? We've been back together two fucking days Vic; talking about how to fuck you over wasn't really what we felt like doing to be honest babe." I smirk.  I think I'm probably just trying to piss her off on purpose now, which isn't going to help a fucking thing.

The anger hardens on her face and then she nods once.  "Well he's mine Jake, my son, not hers."  She says. "You try and take him away from me and you'll regret it. I swear to god."

I move quickly, taking a few steps toward her, crowding her body.  "Was that a threat Vicky?  Did you just fucking threaten me?" I ask quietly.

To her credit she stands her ground, glaring up at me in silent rage for a moment before her eyes start to soften. Then she smiles at me. "Threaten you?  Threaten Jake Lawrence?"  She laughs.  "I'm not fucking stupid.  Course I wasn't threatening you. It was just a friendly warning babe, for you and that stuck up doctor bitch of yours."

Out of my control, my fingers curl into fists. 

I've never hit a woman. Not a finger, not once.  And I would never hit a woman.   But I've come close a few times with her.  I'm close right now. 

Vicky's eyes roam over my face, down to my mouth and then my throat, before her mouth turns up into a small smile.   She moves quickly, before I can react and suddenly she's kissing me.  Her tongue slides inside my mouth as she wraps her arms around me and pushes herself into my my body, grinding herself against my cock.  Her hands slide into the back of my jeans and make the briefest contact with my arse before I throw her off me.  The force moves her a good few feet away from me.

She looks pleased with herself as I wipe my hand over my mouth and it just annoys me further.  I step forward fast and bring my hand up under her chin, wrapping my fingers around her throat. She's breathing hard but there's excitement in her eyes, the smile still stuck on her face even now. Fucking lunatic.

"I warned you never to try that again you delusional fucking bitch... you thick?" I growl.

"Yeah I know, but you looked like you were gagging for babe... She not doing it for you? Not surprising really, she looks like a right frigid cunt."  She laughs.

I tighten my grip around her neck.  Her eyes widen slightly.

"Pretty sure I also told you never to refer to Her in any capacity, Ever again.  So do yourself a favour and take this as your final fucking warning Vicky. I hear you even think about her again and you'll regret it, trust me."

She thinks about it, the smile fading way too slowly from that fucking mouth.   "Am I lying Vic?" I ask.

She swallows.  Slowly.

"Am I lying?" I repeat.

"Guess not," she says.

I squeeze my grip harder and stare her down, counting to five in my head before I dropping my hand from her throat.

"You're lucky I'm in a good fucking mood." I say, turning on my heel to the door.  I need out of this fucking shit hole before I do some more damage.

When I reach it door she calls out my name.

"I reckon I was wrong about the beard babe.  It really suits you actually." She nods, smiling.  "Call me when you're bringing him back yeah?" She turns away and lifts Caleb's plate and juice carton and drop them into the bin.

***

"What now daddy?? Ice cream??" he asks me, skipping along beside me, as we stride down Wapping High Street away from the florists.

I'd managed to convince him that the top secret mission was important, and I'd bribed him with a promise of Ice cream after, if he behaved in the shop while I spoke to the girl behind the counter.  The girl who'd given me a dreamy sigh when I'd explained what I'd wanted. She'd went red when I'd told her how much I was willing to pay to make it happen.  It was a bit out of their delivery boundary she'd said, but it was a slow Tuesday and after making a call to her delivery driver she could do it she'd said.

I look at my watch.  They were delivering the flowers between four thirty and five and so I have a few hours before I have to drop him back with Vicky.

The confrontation earlier was still playing over in my head and I still feel the rage course through my body at her 'friendly warning.'  She was never going to give him up without a fight.  I knew that. And I'd never even considered approaching it any way, other than the way I now know I have to.

"Yeah, you hungry?" I ask him as we approach a small, open fronted cafe.

"I'm hungry for ice cream." he says, excited now.

"Ice cream only if you eat something first.  What about hamburger?"

He shakes his head grumpily.  "No.  I don't like hamburger now."

"Really?  Since when?" I frown.

He shrugs.  "I just want ice cream." he states.

Just then a tall attractive woman with long dark hair walks past us, smiling at me first and then him, tilting her head to do that silent 'awwwww' thing most women do when they see him.  He beams up at her and when she walks past he turns and watches her walk away. He's basically stood still in the middle of the street ogling her. 

I'd noticed him do that more and more.  He flirted too; waving and saying "Hi," to any dark-haired woman who walked past. Looked like my son had a type; slightly worrying maybe, but fun to watch.

The cafe is busy, so to make it easier to move, I swing him up into my arms and move towards the counter to investigate the ice cream flavours.  He takes his time deciding, asking what every flavour is, before finally deciding on chocolate and banana with chocolate sauce.

I order a small tub of cookie dough and a lemonade and look about for a free seat somewhere. I spot a couple standing up to leave one of the tables outside, so I point to it and the young Italian sounding guy says to take a seat and he'll bring out our order. 

I prop Caleb up to my left and take out my phone to call Rachel.  I'd spoken to her briefly on Sunday after I left Alex at the hotel but not since. Whenever I feel guilty about leaving the club completely to her to run, I remember that I pay her a £80k salary to do exactly that.  Run the thing.  She did it better when I wasn't interfering anyway to be honest.

"Hey Jake," she says.

"Alright?  Anything doing?" I ask, just as the server puts the ice cream down in front of me and then Cale, who starts bouncing excitedly in the seat.

"Not really.  I had to come in today to meet the sound guys who wanted to sound check for Thursday. They're bringing their own set up and they wanted to test the space."

"These are the Dutch guys?" I hook the phone between my head and shoulder and reach across to tuck Cale's napkin into the neck of his T-shirt and pull his chair closer to the table. Then I hand him the spoon.

"Yeah.  They were okay.  They're still downstairs."

"Kev hasn't been about has he?" I ask.  I lift my spoon and lick the ice cream off it.

"No, thank god.  Whatever you said worked.  I haven't seen him since Thursday night." She says.  She sounds relieved.

My warning to Kev had been met with an eyeball, some grunting, and a half arsed promise not to take from the bar again.   Then he'd stormed off only to come back an hour later with what he owed me. He'd dumped it on my desk in three rolls of a hundred.  Interest included.  

I hadn't seen him since.   It should worry me.  But I've got enough to worry about.   He'll be back when he needs something.  Dan had of course assumed his disappearing act was down to me taking care of 'my end' and it had take a bit of work to convince him otherwise.  

Fuck knows why he'd think I'd keep that from him if I was involved.  Maybe Dan's trust in me was cracking.  And since I couldn't really afford that, I had to find out where the fuck Kev was and do what I needed to do.

After I hang up with Rachel I try Kev's mobile again.  It goes to answer phone again.

"Mate it's me; again.  Where the f-hell are you?"  I scrub a hand over my face, glancing sideways at Cale.  "We have stuff to bloody do. Just call me back, yeah."

As I throw my phone back onto the table Cale gives me a wide-eyed look, startled, ice cream dripping down his chin. I soften my face and smile at him.

"Is it good?" I ask him.

He nods, looking back at his glass bowl of slowly melting ice cream.  "Uh-huh. I want more."

"Finish that first mate."

"Okay." he nods, giggling as he tries to chew the ice cream.

"So Cale I wanted to talk to you about something, man to man."

He stops chewing, gives me a confused look and then looks back at his Ice cream. "Man to man?" he repeats.

"Yeah.  Cause you're daddy's best friend. You know that right?"

He looks confused again, his mouth turning up into a frown.  He starts to shift uncomfortably on his chair, his shoulders lifting up as he looks down at his hands. "Best friend." he says.

"Yeah, you know what a best friend is?" I ask.  He nods again but still looks uncomfortable.

"Louis is my best friend." he blurts.

"Louis?"

He nods, sitting back in his chair and folding his arms across his chest looking 63 not 3.

"Louis asked me to be his best friend and I said yes."  He says.  He looks guilty about it.   I smile at him, but then I make my face serious and nod.  "So I can't be your best friend." He blurts.

"I get it.  Don't worry, that's okay.  Louis? He's from nursery right?" I ask and he nods.  "Well I can be your best friend outside of nursery.  That's allowed."  I say.

"It is?"

"Sure it is.  Dad's are allowed to be best friends too."

He gives me a suspicious look while he considers it.  Then finally he nods, and sits up again, leaning his elbows on the table.

"Okay then.  I'll tell Louis that you're my best friend too."

"Well only if you think it won't make him upset?"

He shakes his head slowly, concerned.  "Ummm I don't think so."

"Okay good. So, I want to talk to you about something. Someone actually. Someone daddy wants you to meet soon."

"A person?" he asks, suspicious again.

"Yeah.  A person.  A grown up." I pause, "A lady. Someone daddy cares about very much."

All sorts of emotions move across his little face and he starts to nibble on his lip while he decides what he feels about that. He looks down at his ice cream and then frowns before looking back up at me.

"A lady? Like mummy?" He asks, eyes wide again.

I let out a breath and shake my head.  "Nah, mate.  Not like your mum.  Nothing at all like your mum."

This was going to be harder than I thought. Where the fuck do I start with this?