Not thinking about Jimin was hard.

And thinking about Jimin and not having a breakdown was harder.

Lorraine never learned.

She had constantly ignored her assistant's calls for the past few days, so much that she had fed her up and Antoinette had just dropped a message saying 'you're nominated, get your ass out of your house'.

It wasn't like Lorraine wasn't happy, she was. But she didn't feel deserving of the award when she couldn't focus on acting. Also because she had to go out now and pick up her dress for the occasion, get a spa, groom herself and stuff.

That's what had led her to get out of the room after taking a long shower, then looking at herself in the mirror for ten straight minutes, opening the above bathroom cabinet and looking at her meds, getting furious and throwing them somewhere in the bathroom, breaking down into another crying mess.

Nonetheless, she was finally out. She searched for her dog, finding him sprawled across the living room sofa. She spent another ten minutes just letting and hugging Fantastic silently, partly because she felt sorry for abandoning him like that and also because she needed her dog after the hurricane of emotions that had taken place a few days ago.

Still couldn't believe Jimin left.

"Let's take you to the stylist as well, yeah?" She told her dog, getting dressed, applying make-up by herself because her make up stylist had no idea of her time schedule right now. She went out of the house with her dog, an angry looking Antoinette standing by the car.

It was easier to pretend Lorraine didn't care behind her sun glasses.

*

Jimin knew he had lost it.

Then he came drunk in the practice room, and everyone else knew he had lost it.

"Jimin, are you drunk?" His choreographer had cornered him, but Jimin refused to meet his eyes, maintaining his nonchalant behaviour.

He knew he couldn't even stand properly and even a monkey could tell he was slipping into craziness rather quickly. If it had been any other day, everyone would have laughed at him for being drunk and stupid things.

Except for today, because Jimin wasn't doing stupid things.

He was just simply, into himself and he just wanted to dance. That's all he came for, and then everyone will leave, and he'll still be doing it.

He shrugged his choreographer off, taking his position.

"You don't have to stand there."

"Oh." He slurred out, looking everywhere and not understanding where the fuck he was standing and where did he even have to go now. Or how the hell to lift up his leg.

A very pissed off Hoseok grabbed him by the upper arm to pull him somewhere he had to stand. Everyone eyed Jimin sceptically, contemplating whether to tell him that perhaps he shouldn't dance today.

But they knew he'd shout and curse and get what he wanted so they didn't.

"Do you even know what song are we preparing?"

"Doesn't matter."

Everyone just gave him an incredulous look, but Jimin just ignored them. It really didn't matter until and unless he was dancing and getting high on it. This was what he was doing. He danced as an alternative of getting high.

He was a freaking sociopath.

The music started playing and the familiar buzz started to numb his senses, his body loosening on accord as he started moving.

It was muscle memory that he remembered each and every step like the back of his hand, losing the track of time.

Then the music was stopped in between, and his shot open with a bitchy purse of his lips.

Really?! He thought. It just pissed him off when they paused the music in between.

"Guys, come here!"

He rolled his eyes with a grimace and skidded after his members down the stage, seeing one of the managers calling them.

"It's good news, stop sulking, Jimin." The manager pointed once they were all gathered up around him.

"Shut up." Jimin grunted under his breath.

"What?"

"I said speak up."

The manager just shook his head at him before looking at everyone.

"You've been nominated for people's choice music award."

"Woah!" A few of them exclaimed, sharing high fives and group hugs, pulling Jimin into them.

He had to admit this was genuinely a good news, so he won't sulk.

"And so you're leaving for LA in three days."

What the actual-

Jimin stumbled a few steps backwards at that, his mind going erratic at the thought of it.

Shit.

Lorraine was going to be there. And he didn't know how the fuck to face her. Not at all.

He didn't know what he'd do.

Everyone was moving backstage so he followed them, his eyes still blown wide and mind racing with questions and anger and his heart exploding with emotions.

One second he was walking and another second his legs were giving up, jaws sparking and stomach churning badly. For a second he thought he was going to puke but then everything started wavering around him, before he knew, he was losing consciousness and falling to the floor.

The loud this made everyone startle and turn their head back to see where the noise just came from, seeing Jimin lying on the floor.

Everyone ran towards him, Taehyung kneeling on the floor hastily and taking Jimin's face in his hand, his shaking hands patting his cheeks.

"Holy shit, call a doctor!"

Everything happened in a hurry as they took him to one of the rooms backstage, making him pay on the sofa. Jimin looked like a pale skeleton just lying dead there. The atmosphere of the room tense as they just waited for the doctor to come.

"How did he even- why-?" Jin asked after a while.

"No idea."

"He got like this after coming from LA, is it possible that something happened between them?"

"He was like this before going to LA as well, just sad, not angry."

Before anyone could reply to him, a doctor entered the room in a hurry, telling everyone to wait outside and closing the door behind him.

It took him probably half an hour to come out of the room and face all the anxious looking crew and members.

"Let me make this clear," The doctor started. "if he continues drinking at the rate he is and starving himself like that, he's got months."

A deadly silence settled in the hallway, everyone just gawking at the doctor.

"How did he pass out?" He asked, scribbling something on his prescription noted.

"We were practicing and he just fell down..."

"I'd give medicines, of course. But making sure he eats and rests well is up to you all and him, got that? Or else we might have to inject glucose."

The doctor passed down the prescription note and Namjoon curtly took it, nodding in agreement.

"What happened that he got like this?"

"We've been trying to figure out the same thing."

"Don't let him exert."

Everyone nodded again and the doctor left after another curt glance.

Well, shit.

*

Jimin woke up with an agonizing pounding in his head, the room around him was circling, reminding him of the amount of alcohol he had consumed. Hr remembered what happened and the bitter feeling started spreading again.

He straightened up, sitting on the bed and it was his very room. Soon enough, some footsteps were resonating until they stopped and the door opened to reveal Taehyung.

Jimin quickly looked away, not wanting to start a conversation. He haven't been treating them well lately, he had been ignorant and cold, trying not to pour out the storms running in his head. He was aware.

"Still not uttering a word I see."

Taehyung said, remarkably. Standing beside Jimin as the shorter just looked down, a pit forming in hus stomach. A beat passed before Taehyung said again.

"What has happened, Jimin? Did we do something?"

But he remained undoubtedly stoic, blocking away any emotion that could pass through him.

"Nothing," he muttered, his voice raspy, surprised by how rude he sounded.

Taehyung scoffed a laugh, he was mad at Jimin. He couldn't argue, he has given them enough reasons to be mad at him.

"Nothing. Nothing? You come to the rehearsal drunk, Park Jimin, and then faint. Have you looked at yourself?! You're going gaunt and you ignore us, you fucking piece of- what the hell did we do to you?!"

"I said nothing!" Jimin shouted back, his eyes burning. "Go away, Taehyung!"

Two seconds. That's how much time took Taehyung to grab Jimin by his collar furiously.

"Go away?" He threatened in his deep voice and no matter how strong Jimin was acting, he did not have the strength to break free.

"You're no haughty piece of shit, Park Jimin. I know you. Stop your drama and tell me what happened! What the fuck are you doing to yourself!"

Jimin pushed Taehyung, his eyes as furious as his, not wanting to look weak, there was anger boiling in him. But then he realized he wasn't angry at Taehyung. The person he was angry at was so far away.

Tears rimmed the corner of his eyes and he quickly looked down. Taehyung's expressions changing immediately as he saw that. Jimin tried to back away his tears but it was too late now, Tae had already pulled the strings. They were flowing down his cheeks as he continuously tried to wipe them away but it looked like they'd never stop.

"I'm so, so mad at her-" He said, sobs erupting from his mouth. "She makes me question my every fucking belief! Drive me to the edge of happiness and pull me back just by her one single shove."

He wasn't talking to Taehyung, he was just letting out what was inside of his head for so long, emotions bursting through him.

"I know I did the right thing by leaving her. I know I don't deserve that but it feels shit!"

He bit his lip as the memories rushed in. How she pushed him away just after when he was feeling the closest to her. He let out a sarcastic laugh.

"Let alone be the urges of hurting her as much and hugging her forever at the same time."

A frustrated growl left his throat.

"She makes me feel like the worst person in this world, she acts horrified. It makes me question if I'm really that bad. But No! She is! It's her twisted mind and ability to hurt me."

He bit my lip, the thoughts of Lorraine pierced through him. She was like a drug, consuming, enticing, but would eat you rot as you let her in. But it won't stop the urges of having her one more time.

Just like everytime. Just like now. His body was screaming to have another taste.

"J-Just one more time." He let out without even realising it.

"Jimin, I don't understand-"

"Nothing."

He wiped off his tears as they stopped before looking back at Taehyung.

"What about that award show?" He asked.

"Jimin, you're not going-"

"I am. I am going, Tae."