Before we start, I feel like I have to say this, the door swings inwards.

***

I looked around the room once more. The fireplace behind me flickered, throwing hesitant bands of orange light at the door right in front of me. Though there was light, it never lasted, a small glint before leaving the wood dark yet again. Trepidation stirred in me. Against my better judgement, I reached for the handle, closing around the cool metal. I swung the door open, keeping a firm grip around the handle.

The room inside is pitch black. Close it! My brain screamed at me. Close it! I willed my frozen arm to do so. The door slammed shut with a bang, sending cold wind in my direction. I looked away and coughed, trying to get rid of the unsavoury air that consisted of... whatever was behind that door.

"A little won't hurt you," they said. "It's quite nice, you won't regret it." Lies. They wouldn't understand if I said that I regretted every single second of that door being held open. It wasn't nice at all, oozing an aura of corruption. Although the fireplace provided more than enough warmth in this small space, I shivered. Regardless of what the door hid, I needed to get as far as I could from it. So I got away, disappointment weighing me down. I didn't leave anything in there but it felt as if I did.

It wouldn't leave me alone, the flashes of light on the door, the secrets that could be accessed by a push of a handle, the feeling of leaving something really important behind. Every waking hour was spent mulling over these aspects and such. Nothing that was said, done or even gestured didn't relate to that fateful event — it was everywhere. The more I saw it, the more I kept my distance from anything even partially related to it.

Soon, I was alone. The images in my mind, even worse. They hounded me with "what if"s, taunting me. "What if you never left?" "What if you left the door open?" "What if you stepped in?" That last one was the worst one.

My heart races, and I tell myself for yet another time, "No, I will not do that. I will not give in." Another tally to add on to the ever increasing list of excuses. I punched my head, hard, a mental reminder to stop thinking about it. I cannot let it take over my life — the darkness creeps into the crevices of my mind evermore — I will not give in to the... temptation.

As much as I hate to admit, that was when my resolve weakened. I went back, opened the door. This time, I kept it open for just a bit longer — it never hurt anybody, just like how a little fear in our lives was crucial to survival. But this wasn't the last time I did this, it was just the first of many to come.

The cycle continued, each one worse than the one before, different versions of the same reasoning. "I will not succumb to its effects it has on me." "It won't do you any good, stop running to it." "It's a distraction, you must resist it." I tell them to myself, again, again and again. In all versions, one word stayed the same, one word came after all these sentences: temptation.

It mocked me, oh so very badly. Every time I opened that door, the darkness was a reminder of my failures to keep myself in check. "So I am just a failure!" I screamed to the walls which echoed them back to me. It was a statement, not a question, a fact. One who gives in to their temptations was hardly worthy of being a person.

I was stressed out, anxiety clouding my thoughts. My whole body went numb but I soon found myself in that secret room with the door. I did not even need to think about coming here anymore, it was purely muscle memory by now.

Each visit was different. The fire, from a warm flame in the beginning, became a cold one the next. Recently, it has been dying, shrouding the room in more shadows. The door though, nothing really changed. It was still the same dark wood with the same silver handle and the same deep void. I just wanted to change things up — history was about change, after all. it started with simply holding it open for longer, then sticking my head in like an ostrich, a nervous "hello?" followed the next.

This time, I still kept my hand gripping the handle but took a hesitant step inside. It would be a long time before I could describe the sheer comfort of cold enveloping me for those few seconds. I stepped out, the fire dying as I said the next few words. "This is enough, this will be the last time, the last time I ever open that door." As I said it, I knew it was a lie, I could not fool myself. I would come back just as I did many times before, deceiving myself with promises of "Just this once". Simple mathematics, one plus another is two. Two plus one is three.

By the time I had gone there three to the power of my desires, I had long given up keeping myself away from the door. Now, it brought me joy just to think about it. The little temptations worming into my mind was comforting. I enjoyed the benefits of being isolated in darkness — consequences be damned, I left them for future me to sort out.

There were some in my life that wanted me to stop doing it, to not give in to my desires but it was all too late, I had already centred my life around it. It might have helped at first, to pull me out of this abyss I was getting sucked into. As per usual, I ignored them. I went on with my day.

And part of my day was to spend some time in the solace of darkness. The fire was now barely anything, all that was left of its beginning vibrance reduced to glowing wood.

I looked around the room once more. The fireplace behind me dimmed, no light reached the door right in front of me. It was barely more than glowing wood. Shadows came in, steadily filling in the room, sending it one step closer to gloom. Confidence stirred in me. With a grin on my face, I reached for the handle, closing around the cool metal. I swung the door open.

The room was pitch black. It was like welcoming an old friend. I walked deeper in, shutting the door. I turned around to face... I gasped. Nothing could have prepared me for what I would see on the other side, not even visiting this more often. I would never have expected to see this in the midst of all darkness... Or I should have known better.

I saw myself, an exact copy from head to toe. In the darkness, I am the darkness. The cruelest thing was knowing why this was the case. Guilt crushed me but the knowledge wouldn't change anything because I've already reached the zone of no-return. It's irreversible.

I gave in to my temptations, and this was what became of me.

***

This was done according to prompt 3 of the month (May 2021) of avadel's monthly short story contest. It's really fun <3

***

Why do I write the most during exam period?

Me, realising something while writing this halfway: People may not understand what I'm getting at... So I prepared an explanation. If you would like to keep it a mystery (I like leaving the meaning of writings like these vague) don't read it. If you do want to understand what I'm getting at, it's all down below.

The "darkness" seen on the other side of the door was their desires. Does that make more sense? No? [Just... be prepared for seeing lots of 'they's as I didn't really gave the character a name or even a gender so... heh] Giving themselves naught but a glance at first was the intention of experimenting it then telling themselves it was not something to be desired, but it did not work. They did not want to give in to their desires but then started dabbling in it a bit more, indulging themselves once in a blue moon. The 'visits' became more frequent, showing their descent into this... madness. After all of this, they see themselves staring back at them on the other side of the door. It symbolised how they had given themselves fully to the darkness, their desires, before actually realising that it was too late to change anything. (entropic time anyone?) Are you still confused?

You also can read this as physical darkness but what I had in mind was that this was their mindscape, the room where their thoughts became physical things I could play around with, use the objects to express their emotions. The fire, their self-control; the darkness behind the door, their desires.

It kind of reflects me procrastinating revision for exams right now... I just start with a little and it escalates until I'm watching YouTube the whole day. Does that sound familiar? Are you procrastinating right now? If you are, go back and do whatever you need to. You don't want to open the door to darkness and see a mirror =)

This was really really fun even though it may be a little... dark? I'm not trying to be that kid that writes dark stuff, wears all black and say "oh, I'm so emo". Writing is just a way for me to experiment. I hope you liked this as much as I loved staying up to write this [being productive only after everyone's asleep, yay]