Our lives together was a series of illusions. We moved through them so effortlessly. When Jeff woke at 6:00, he shook me gently. "Eve? Did you pack my suitcase for the trip?"

I opened my eyes and sat up. We were suddenly back in our ordinary lives. I was his wife. He was my husband. Nothing from the past few days was evident. Even his behavior the night before had receded. Our life together was again like any other typical couple. Here we were again in yet another iteration of the same duplicitous story. My son had once told me—in a moment of resentment—that my relationship with his father was like a cyclone. Except it didn't tear through our lives causing destruction in its path. It stayed in the same place, repeating the same havoc over and over. Never changing.

"No I didn't pack for you" I got out of bed.

"Why didn't you? You knew I was leaving."

"Because I was mad at you. Just like you were mad at me last night and didn't come home for dinner."

"Well, thanks. Now I'll be late."

"Take a shower," I said. "I'll pack it for you now."

"I'm going to be late getting to the airport."

"When's your flight?"

"I have to leave here by 8:00."

I shook my head. "That's two hours. Why are you so panicked? Go take a shower, I'll pack a suitcase for you and make you some breakfast."

"I wish you had packed it last night, Eve. Really."

"Can you at least appreciate that I'm doing it now?"

He went into the shower while I packed his things. I was glad for a few days without him. I'd be glad to read the journal, prepare for classes and get back into my own life. He was a child. I needed time away from caring for him."

I put on my robe and went downstairs. I fixed a pot of coffee. I fixed eggs and toast. He came downstairs carrying his suitcase. He walked over to me and kissed me. "Thank you."

I sat and had my coffee while he ate breakfast. We both read the paper. When I yawned, he looked up at me. Set the paper down. "I'm sorry I woke you up last night."

I didn't say anything.

He bit his lip and stared at me for a moment. "Eve. I'm sorry I hit you those years after we married."

I felt a piercing pain through me. I felt myself start to tremble. I nodded.

"I'm sorry I forced you to--."

"We don't need to talk about it now."

"Listen to me," he said softly. "I don't know how to apologize for having you put in the hospital. For what happened there."

I felt faint. "Why did you do it then? Did you think I'd be safe? That they wouldn't have hurt me like they did?"

He kept his eyes on me. I was afraid.

"No." He said.

"No. you didn't think they'd hurt me?"

He let out a slow breath. "No. I knew they would."

I started to cry. "You knew they would?"

"Yes."

"Why did you do it then?"

"Because you didn't love me any more." He shook his head. "I told you last night, I can't take it when I think you're leaving me or that you don't love me. I go crazy. I went crazy. That's why."

"Is this an apology or a threat?"

"I don't know."

I stood up. "What's wrong with you lately?" I whispered. I walked over to the sink and washed the frying pan. I felt myself starting to cry but somehow I kept it in, pushed it back. When I finished I dried my hands and walked back towards the table. "You aren't going to take that back? Tell me that wasn't what you meant. That you aren't threatening me?"

"If it was a threat it was a hollow one."

"And what a Goddamned thing to say anyway. That you knew they would hurt me. Why would you say that five minutes before you leave for four days? Why did you make love to me last night and then practically attack me? What's wrong?"

"I don't know why I said it. It's the truth. At least I tell you the truth."

I raised my hands in the air as if in surrender. "There's something wrong with you."

I started to walk out of the room. He stood and let out a breath. "wait."

I turned to him.

"Tell me the truth. Did you stay at that guy Matt's apartment the other night?"

I felt my heart racing. I looked away, "No. Is that why you're so upset?" I looked at him felt guilty.

"Are you sleeping with him?"

I looked back at Jeff. "No. I'm not. I told you before. You asked me to end my friendship with him and I did."

"Eve. I can tell you're lying."

"Can you?"

He stood up and came close to me.

"Don't scare me," I said. "Don't change moods so quickly."

"I've got to go." He kissed me. "I love you. Please don't lie to me anymore."

I didn't say anything. I just kept my eyes on him. "I'm not sleeping with him and you know it."

"You lie all the time, Eve." A long moment passed. "Don't' you?" He whispered.

I smiled at him. Although he was being childish, it was funny. "I can't say no and I can't say yes."

Then he was back to normal. "You're going to let me get on a plane without saying you love me too?"

"I'm not superstitious like you."

He walked near me again and stood before me. "I love you." He said. He stared at me, "Tell me you love me too."

"I love you too." I whispered.

"Eve, please stop doing this. You're scaring me." He moved my hair away from my face. "I'm worried about you."

"Why?"

"Something's wrong."

The minute the door closed behind him I felt free. It was so nice. I got dressed and went down to make a cup of coffee. Once I'd had breakfast my plan was to go get the diary and read the rest of it. I also thought I should go rummage around in the basement and make sure there were none that I'd missed. I didn't know what I'd do with the rest of the day after that. It was still cold outside and there were scattered snowflakes falling. I had to teach the next day so maybe I would just work on preparing for classes. I knew that once I finished the diaries, I would be free of the past. There would be no more secrets. I felt such a sense of renewal. I would be free of my demons once and for all. I could start a new life. With or without Jeff, I didn't know

When I went to the cabinet to retrieve a coffee cup I saw a card and a small box wrapped in gold paper with a silver ribbon and bow. I picked up the card. It was a hand sketched post card. Jeff's. On one side he'd sketched of a woman. It was rough, more like a study than a finished drawing. She was standing up to her waist in a still lake. She has her arms behind her in the water, and she is looking up at something beyond the scene. I can see that it is my body. I know from the way I hold myself. I've seen myself through Jeff's eyes for over twenty years. I know what he sees in my body. Even when he paints abstracts. I can tell the difference between my body and another one of his lovers. I turned the card over and recognized his neat handwriting. I ran my fingers over the words before I read them. I was fully absorbed in the experience he'd set up for me. It made me want him near me.

I read the card.

Eve,

I'm sorry.

I know you've waited a long time for those words. I haven't said them because I don't know myself. I can't recognize the person who did those things to you. I want to fix this for you but I know that it can't be healed ("it" what a way to define those horrors). I want to end my possessiveness and jealousy. I don't want you to leave and that's always there, underneath all of it. Because why shouldn't you leave me? I expect too much from you—and yet I can't settle for uncertainty. I'm sure you've considered who you might have been without what I've done to you. I hope you don't feel you've wasted your life with me. If it counts for anything, I can't imagine you as a housewife in Oregon. I can't imagine you as the mother of any children but ours. I wouldn't have wanted a life with any other woman.

I don't know how to end this note. I wish it was longer and I'd conveyed something that made sense of things. It seems I can't.

You're the one I love. That's what I know.

Jeff

I peeled open the wrapping paper and it was a ring box. It was from Stanley Brown a jewelry store in Lincoln Square. I'd been there many times over the years to have my engagement ring reset and cleaned, I'd purchased several watches for Jeff and jewelry for Clara. I opened the top and inside in a deep red velvet was a ring. It looked like platinum. It was a band formed by leaves and vines interconnected. The leaves were encrusted with small diamonds. I picked it up and put it on the ring finger of my right hand. It was exceptional in its simplicity and beauty. I stared at it for a moment. I loved it. I loved the cut out spaces between the leaves and how the band was formed where the leaves and vine attached in places. I held my hand in front of me and examined it. I thought it was too nice to wear but I remembered what Jeff always said when he gave me jewelry. "I want you to. I want you to wear it all the time so you'll think of me." I ran my fingers over the ridges and curves. I let out a breath. I looked out the window at the snow. The sky was growing dark again; there would be another storm.

I decided to put another layer of sand on the walkway and drive way in case I needed to leave later. I went out to the porch and carried the heavy bag of sand, shaking out a layer over the walk way. It was cloudy and the sky was a charcoal color. It was freezing and I'd just gone out in my shirt and cardigan sweater. Every breath released a small cloud of condensation. I spread more over the driveway, just where my tire tracks would go when I backed out. It was so cold and when I finished I hurried back towards the house. When I got on the porch and stomped the snow off my shoes I heard the phone ringing. I opened the door and the rush of warm air and yellow incandescent light made me feel warm and safe. I rushed to the phone in the front room and picked up.

"Hello?"

"Eve. It's me."

It was Jeff. "Where are you?"

I could hear him smoking on the other end. "I'm at the airport. At a phone booth. My flight is delayed an hour."

"Do you think you'll get out in this weather?"

"Oh yeah. It's not snowing that hard yet."

"OK." I paused and looked at the ring he'd given me. It looked pretty in the light of the kitchen window. "I got your note. And your gift for me."

"Do you like the ring?"

"Of course."

"Did you read the note?"

I thought of our conversation that morning. There was his jealousy but mostly what he'd said about the hospital lingered. "I did." I said.

"Doesn't it mean something to you?"

"When did you write it?"

"Why?"

"Because I'm still upset about the things you said this morning."

"What did I say this morning?"

"About the hospital."

"I wrote the note yesterday. I am sorry. And I do love you."

I didn't say anything for a moment.

"Eve?"

"I love you too."

More quiet between us. He must have put his cigarette out because I didn't hear the sound of him inhaling a drag and slowly exhaling. Still I could hear the faint sound of his breath. It caused a yearning in me. I never wanted to say how I felt because the thought of him not loving me caused so much fear in me.

"Eve," he finally said. "Don't read any more of it, all right?"

"Any more of what?"

"Margaret's diaries."

"I told you there was just that one."

"Eve. Just don't read any more of them, all right?"

"Why?"

He was quiet for a moment.

"Why not, Jeff. What do they say?"

His voice softened. He sounded so exhausted. As difficult as this was for me, I realized it was too much for him too. The water that rose around me, threatening to drown me, was suffocating him too. Margaret was haunting his life. She was coming back for him.

"I want to tell you something when I get home." He said softly.

"What is it?"

"Please don't read them all right?"

I didn't say anything, but I heard an announcement in the background.

His voice returned. "I've got to go Eve. The plane's boarding."

"All right." I said and hung up the phone before we'd have to say I love you again.