Dedicated to tanuandchamp

What is 'I'?
Isn't the question
I ask myself.
Cause I know,
I saw my reflection,
On the looking glass
Of the society.
I saw 'I' being reflected,
In their eyes,
Each interpreting 'I'
In the way they please.
Cause my image,
Appears in their mind.
All twisted,
According to whims,
Wishes, grudges and moods.
But what troubles me is,
What is 'ME'?
What does it mean,
To be 'ME'
To be what I am,
On the inside,
Cause no perception,
No bias,
No tantrum or taunt,
Can change what's 'ME'
Sometimes I lose the 'ME'
In the image of the 'I'
And that's the toughest.
When I need
To find myself in 'ME',
And break that looking glass
Which judges the 'I'.

~~~~~~~~~~

'Well, I prefer to call myself an extroverted thinker.' I mumble.

'What? That's —' she blinks, once, twice, trying to fathom what I meant really.

'Thinkers are introverts, extroverts are shallow, at least that's what the world thinks.' I sigh.

'Oh! So you're just the untraditional kind.'

'Yep, and if you have the time to spend on me, lemme tell you what I've gathered about myself on introspection.' I look into her eyes.

'Always here to listen.' she grabs my hand.

~~~~~~~~~

I have different aspects to myself. I'm naive, younger than my friends, a bit sensitive and hell lotta emotional but those are not what defines me. Most importantly, I'm open to some people and closed off to others.

I like to talk, more than anyone else. I like to let steam off rather than mope in private and I'm always in the search for a good listener. And when you have that particular person sitting with you, eager to just be with you, all problems seem to roll off your back. That's how I'm made.

Friendship defines who I am. It's in every fibre of my existence. I turn to my companion for the night.

'I've been meaning to tell you something. But we couldn't complete the conversation.Just remember one thing. If at any point of time.You need to choose between spending time with me and with anyone else, always be assured you can count on me to adjust. Don't take a risk on that other person. I'm giving you that liberty with me.' I say.

'Why?' her bottomless eyes search my face for an answer.

'Because I don't want you to get stressed or torn over you and me with someone else. I don't want you to ever have to choose me over someone else, never. You deserve at least one stress free friendship.'

'Ah! But won't you feel bad. That's not correct.' her eyes grow pensive.

'I can adjust.But I'd get hurt a thousand times before I let you get hurt because of me.'

'This sounds very upsetting. Let's hope these situations don't come.' she breathes.

'That's who I am. You can't change that.' I manage a little laugh.

'No it's not correct. Bro, you have every right to reprimand. Your feelings matter.' she declares.

'I don't exercise my rights always if that means doing what I feel is right—' I trail off.

'Which is not always right.' she argues.

'How many friendships did you see fall apart completely in your life?' I change the topic.

'A few.Mostly because we stopped meeting. Place — Time —'

'I've seen more, I guess.' I interrupt her. 'From school right up to now. Mine was mostly because of our personal differences, basic jealousy, and petty stuff.'

'Then those friends were never meant to be.' she announces.

'Maybe you're right, but that was past.But then as I grew up, I began realizing what the factions are, what jealousy in friendship is. How it feels like to be an outcast just because you don't believe in what they do in the name of teenage freedom?' my voice is shaking.

'I see you analysed many  relationships.' her curiosity piques.

'I mostly went to school with rich, spoiled kids who had literally everything and no tension in life.'

'Ah those! Talking in slangs with highly accentuated English.' she rolls her eyes.

I burst out laughing.

'Yes. I had the maturity of my thoughts to analyze it. And at that time I didn't write, so no escaping from the feelings. Gradually, I learnt to adjust.'

'A little girl learning to adjust. That's something.' she gives me a friendly pat.

'Kinda yes. I was always the youngest in class.' I nod, 'Next when I passed the school stage, high school even, all the while keeping myself aloof and outcast— by choice at times, until I turned up here.'

I dither before saying the next words. 'And I made the mistake of letting my guards down. My best friends ditched me. And next thing I find myself spiraling down to that same, even deeper mess of feelings than I ever felt. Teenage emotions multiplied it many fold.'

'College is an entirely differently game. I know how it was for you, especially in the first few months.' she gives a knowing smile of comfort.

'I started building up my barriers slowly, keeping people out. At that time, some came in before the walls were put up. You, for instance —' I continue.

This time was difficult, wasn't it? Barriers made and unmade.'

I sigh in confirmation.

'The barriers stayed put where they were. Steadily climbing as the walls reinforced around my mind.But what happened to those that entered? I made a vow that I'll never screw it up another time. I learnt to adjust more, compromise, give up. Everything in my power to hold on.'

'Climbed great walls and helped to rebuild them? Your friends?'

'Yes, you all made me stronger.' I admit. But I found few slipping away. I didn't have the energy to carry them. I let them go.' I feel the twinge of guilt.

'Then let them go. They  are just there to weaken the defence.' she says sensibly.

'Yes. At one point I let them slip through.But the spells that ward others off, are a bit weaker for them.So they can barge in time and again. A few new ones came too.' I avert her eyes.

'Oh!' she doesn't comment.

'So that I could reinforce the walls which had grown vulnerable. Unless you know your mind has company, how do you fortify your mind? It'll be terribly lonely.'

'Maybe minds get used to less company and they get stronger. Who knows?'

'But no company at all will kill!' I continue, ' Then I started turning to those that stayed put with me through this all.'

'Such metaphorical talk.' she muses.

'Then I realized that these people are here to stay—for sometime at least. So, I'm afraid to lose them.' I confess finally.

' Let's not think about that. Change is inevitable, maybe good, maybe bad.' she whispers.

'Bro, I've seen enough, lost enough.It's the truth I can't deny.' tears threaten to spill.

'So that's why you will adjust?'

'If that's what takes to keep a friendship—I will. I can't lose you.' I admit.

'I'll try my best bro. Not to mess this up,' I can sense the pain in her voice.

'As I said.Friendship is not a burden.Never think through things. That makes it worse. I'd only ask you one thing. Be frank with me. Never play a game. Talk through things. If it is inconvenient for you, anything I demand. Tell me. I'll understand and I'll not explode at the slightest provocation. I'm elastic, that's why I said I adjust as lot.' I stop for breath.

'I wonder how good that is for you.  Not at all I'm afraid. Too much liberty.' she shakes her head.

'I wonder that myself. But the scars will be healed with the touch of friendship. But if I lose the friendship—' a tear trickles down my cheek. ' There won't be anything to heal up the scars.

'It's too emotional.' she chews her lips.

'Well—I get emotional without warning. But then, very rarely.' I sigh.

'That's fine. Emotions make us.'

'Well, emotions are never in black and white. They have endless depths and dimensions. You know now why I feel what I feel? What friendship is for me?' I force back tears. 'I never told these all to anyone.'

'Why?'

'Maybe because no one cared to ask.'

'I'll listen bro.' she concludes, tightening her grip on my hand.

'Thanks for being here with me.' I put my other hand on hers.
'I know I can see through people once I have my barriers up. Sometimes, because I feel like I have a innate understanding of other's feelings.'

'I guess that's what you are.'

'I don't know that myself but yes, sometimes you need a person, a spark, a motivation, a listener for self discovery. And you are the one for me.'

She just smiles.

We look up at the stars. We know how hard it is for both of us, reeling under the effects of friendships we can't let go. Yet that bothers us constantly. Emotions cloud judgment.

A/N 1500 words completed. I don't know how far a self discovery that is, but nothing's better for exploring yourself, more than a private talk with a friend who means a lot for you and who's there to listen. The barriers of my mind, the friendship and everything. I felt satisfied discussing all that with her.

Written for the contest by PsychologicalNovel.