1/21/17
Reminiscing,
Its never a good thing,
at least not if its all the dark times,
All the times that made everything go to shit and fuck up your confidence for the future causing you to endure the pain that is anxiety.

First things first, i was six and my mum became very ill. She was in hospital for over 7weeks and was very nearly close to death. (i'm not going into detail) I cried myself to sleep every single night, wondering if she was going to be okay(thankfully she was) I remember my dad coming into my room every night trying his best to comfort me after a nightmare or just from hearing the muffled cries He helped a little, i guess. He was never knew how to show affection and still doesn't now but I know he cares.
Back at school on top of all the worrying about my mum, i was being bullied both mentally and physically. They would throw insults at me, things like
Hopeless
Worthless
irrelevant
a disgrace and sometimes abuse me(punching and kicking) never too much thank goodness.
Throughout the years it gradually got worse, i never told anyone. I didn't want to tell my dad when it first started because he was already worrying about my mum and trying his best to look after me. Anyway, they found out eventually when I was 8 , my best friend's parents told my parents as my best friend had told them what was happening. I remember that night so clearly, i was at this club called Brownies(i'm sure y'all know what it is, the one before Girl Guides) and we were just playing around having fun when my best friend and I ran into each other and fell to the floor. We started giggling like crazy but then my best friend suddenly stopped,I looked up at her and realised the sleeve of my sweater had rode up, showing recent cuts down my arm. I remember the saddened look she gave me. (She knew about the bullying) I started to cry at that point, we both got up of the floor and she dragged me to the restroom where i started to cry violently. I remember her saying that everything will be okay and that she was going to sort it. I calmed down a little after and walked back into the main room where the others were. We just talked then till we had to go home. When I got home my parents got a call and it was my friends parents telling them about what was happening. After that my dad was asking so many questions about it, telling me why i hadn't told them about it. The reason for that was because i was scared it was going to get worse if the teachers started to sort it out. Anyway, my dad told the school and they did sort it and eventually it die down and most of the bullies ignored me except for one, they still carried on throwing the insults at me just not as much. At least it wasn't physical abuse anymore, i guess.

Another memory i've been reminiscing a lot lately is about my boy best friend who committed suicide because he loved and quite literally depended on that girl too much. It still hurts so freaking much knowing that he's gone but i guess i'll see him one day. I keep telling myself that.

Also the time my parents split up when i was around 12 and half. That knocked my confidence a bit and then in 2014 when my grandad got ill with cancer and sadly passed away. That fucked me up pretty bad. All the drama with exams and stuff too because it was the last two years of school added to the stress and anxiety. This is when i relapsed and started to self harm again and develop mild bulimia. I really lost my confidence from this point on, the anxiety eating me alive causing the panic attacks and constant worrying of pretty much everything.

A few months ago, things were being to look up and i was clean for around 2 months but then i fell back into the downward spiral;only this time sinking deeper...and still trying to escape it all.
I'm hoping to start counselling very soon though as my english teacher is sorting it out so hopefully I can get back on the right track, properly this time.
-KJx
I'm sorry for all this. I know you guys probably don't care or don't want to know but writing on here is a life line for me. Doing this kind of helps me deal with all the shit that happens so i'm sorry.
I hope all you guys are doing well and I hope y'all have an awesome day!! =] xx