long chapter for you guys!

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i've been laying here for god knows how long. maybe an hour or two. i take in a deep breath and let out a sigh. i wish i didn't have to live this way. why did I have to live this way? all because of that stupid night.

i still remember the night i got the courage to tell her my secret that i had been contemplating.

it was only a few months ago actually. we were sat on the couch watching whatever was on the tv. i was really nervous because i was determined to tell her.

(flashback)

i looked over at her, her eyes were glued to the tv. i decided it was time to finally tell her. i wasn't really sure if i wanted to tell her but i needed to at some point.

"um, hey ma, I need to talk to you..." i say shakily, focusing more on my hands than her.

she looks at me worriedly. "what's the matter, hun?"

i take in a breath, "i have been trying to figure this out for a while now and I've finally came to a conclusion." she slightly nods, telling me to continue.

"i'm-uh, i'm gay."

the look on her face changes from worry to plain disgust in a matter of moments.

"excuse me?" she says furrowing her brows.

i gulp trying to my help my dry throat, "i'm gay," i say almost in a whisper.

i look into her eyes for any sign of emotion. all i could find was disgust. just disgust.

"are you telling me, my boy, sean mcloughlin, is gay? you're gay?! no! you are not gay! and I don't know who the hell has put that crap in your head saying you are gay. my son is not gay!" she raises her voice and i feel my eyes start to sting.

"but i am ma! i am gay! i didn't choose to be gay, i was born like-"

"no! now listen to me young man, so help me god if i hear those words come from your mouth again i will beat the living shit of you, you hear me?! you are no longer considered my son if you are now considered 'gay'. you are more than welcomed back into my life as my loving son when you get your head straight."

she gets up from the couch and walks down the hallway. i hear a door slam a few moments later.

i can't help the tears that start streaming down my face.

i did this. i disgusted my mother. i am no longer considered her son because i'm gay. i didn't mean this to happen. i thought she would have still loved me, supported me, be my fucking mother.

(end of flashback)

i feel those familiar tears in my eyes. just thinking of that night makes me emotional. i screwed everything up. that was the last time i had a real mother. the woman who owns me now is not my mother. she beats me at the slightest things and calls me names that hurt more then they should. 

occasionally she will ask if i am still gay and of course i say i am. it earns me a few more beatings and name calling. especially if she is drunk, which is 90% of the time.

i hate the feeling of not being loved by anyone. it makes you feel lonely. it makes you feel like a waste of space to everyone near. at least this is what i feel.

i'm probably not going to eat dinner tonight. i don't really have an appetite. nor do I want to face my mother.

i pull my phone out of my pocket and check the time. 5:56pm.

i could sneak out and go to the arcade, but if my mother finds out i'll get a good beating. i really don't want to go to school tomorrow with a black eye.

although I've had multiple occasions where I went to school with bruises covering my body. of course no one cared. I get added some beatings from school. people somehow found out about me being gay. i have no idea how though. i tried my best hiding the fact.

i should really stop thinking about this, i can just hear the hurtful slang.

i'm really curious about that new guy. what's his name? he looked asian, is he asian? the boy had dark hair with dark brown eyes. he wore glasses and his skin was golden. he would be considered the attractive type. will he fit in with the popular brats? hell, he will probably hate me. he will probably turn into kevin. Just thinking about him turning into kevin makes me disgusted.

i shouldn't worry about it. he'll probably never talk to me again.

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