mentions/heavy talk of drug use, addiction, death.

—-

louis remembered harry talking to him one day when they first became a thing and mentioned he had a drug problem in his teenage years. before his parents died, before he became the leader. he knew harry had a fear of being alone. he didn't have to say it. even if he did, it was written all over him. the way he clings to louis like a lifeline, the way he holds his friends near and dear to his heart, the way he wants to mold his son into someone who will have everything he never had. they are his people. they are all he has.

everything about andy made him hurt. his heart broke for his partner because harry lost someone so important to him, so crucial to his sobriety and sanity. he lost his little brother. there was something about andy and harry that nobody else had.

he watched from the doorway as harry stared at his computer. he didn't type. he didn't move. he just stared. he was zoning in and out lately, unable to differentiate reality from his dream world. he was quiet, isolating himself from everyone and unable to keep himself together.

he didn't speak at the funeral. only held louis' hand tight, eyes glued to the polished black casket that held his friend inside. he gave layla a hug and told her if she needed anything to come to him first. layla really, really just wanted to hold olly. so for the entire service, she sat next to harry and louis, cradling the infant in her arms.

she broke the news to the boss that she was nine weeks pregnant. andy wanted to wait until they were out of the first trimester to announce it. that was just three weeks away. but now harry and louis know. the rest of the gang does not, but that does not mean harry won't take protective matters into his own hands. he promised her a safe home, with any and everything she could ever need for this baby that she's having. if she still wanted to continue on with it. finding out she was pregnant and then losing her child's father can and will cause a lot.

it only put the fear back in him about louis. when louis was practically bedridden for the last few months of his pregnancy, sick as ever and could barely keep anything down until after he gave birth. layla's grief will impact her pregnancy and her pregnancy will impact her grief. she just lost half of her future. half of her life. he wouldn't blame her if she decided to take a different route. not at all.

the boss hadn't slept in days, maybe an hour or so total since the night before the funeral. he told louis that the images of andy's blood on his hands returned every moment he closed his eyes longer than a blink. the image of his lifeless body in that casket dressed in a red button up shirt and his favorite pair of black jeans, with pictures surrounding him and small items to remember him by will always sit in the front of harry's head from now on. he can just feel it.

he left him quite a few things. pictures of olly, his first nephew. plus a pack of smokes, a bottle of his favorite beer and a fat joint to top it off even though the funeral director kept giving him the side eye. he couldn't forget a lighter either. fuck that undertaker. he and andy were supposed to rule the world.

louis has brought him food, drinks, and at one point just held him in their bed while he stared at the ceiling of their bedroom lost in his own little world. he wondered if the boss was going to break. maybe this is him breaking. maybe it's just a crack.

the submissive made his way to the desk and closed the laptop. harry was only staring at a black screen anyways. it caused the man to jump and look up at him with empty eyes. louis caught his gaze as he shuffled the objects on the desk around. he shooed harry back. when he moved, he sat on the desk and reached out for him. harry wanted to cry, but he had no intentions of doing so. his well of tears had been run dry.

"i'm sorry."

louis shook his head and gave him a gentle squeeze. "it's okay."

"no 's not," harry mumbled against his chest and sniffles. "i haven't been there...for you or olly. just hiding in here. haven't been on runs. haven't talked to anyone."

"they know you're upset," louis frowns. "we're just worried about you, harry."

a weak sigh comes from the boss as he pulls himself back to look at louis. he looks rough. louis wouldn't dare to comment on it. now's not the time. he took a shower last night with louis and the younger boy washed his hair for him, gave him kisses and told him it was gonna be okay. but the bags under his eyes and the fact that his own tee shirt was too big on him now gave it away.

"where's olly?"

"napping. do you want me to go get him?"

"don't wake him. he needs his beauty sleep before his regression hits."

louis rose an eyebrow. "regression?"

"mhm, babies go through sleep regression quite a bit. he'll be waking up more during the night before we know it."

the smaller boy groaned. "nooo."

"i haven't been sleeping much anyways, so i'll hang out with him." harry offered lightly. "maybe he can tell me a bedtime story."

louis cracked a grin and said, "or sing you a nursery rhyme. he has gotten more vocal lately, smart boy. soon enough he's gonna tell your shitty jokes you pull every once in a while."

harry's lips part in a minor state of offense. "wow."

"kidding, they are lovely," louis snickered to himself. "i wanted to talk to you about something, though. liam's been chatting with me." he reached over to cup the boss's cheek.

"'bout what?" harry leans into his touch. he's holding conversation. this is good.

louis bit his lip as he tried to find the right words to say. be blunt or sugarcoat it?

he's one for confrontation when the time comes but this is serious. this is something teetering over a fine line of purgatory and hell. harry has a child depending on him every day. he has a little boy with ten fingers and ten toes and bright blue eyes that light up at the realization of his dad being around. he has a fiancé waiting for kisses and endless snuggles at the end of the night and a cat that likes to run over their feet when they walk past her.

definitely don't sugarcoat it.

louis' features soften. "he is afraid that you are gonna relapse."

harry shook his head. liam was always the worry wart of them all. "i can't."

he wheels his chair closer and places his hands on louis' sides. "if i did, i'd do it until i couldn't anymore. i have too much to lose, lou. my boys. i couldn't do that to you."

louis gives him a nod.

"i've thought about it," harry admits, nodding to himself. "fully honest, i've thought about it a lot. all i gotta do is make a call but relapsing is no way to go. andy would haunt me until the day i die." he slipped his hands under louis' shirt and rests them against his boy's warm skin.

"how do you do it?" louis asks quietly. he watches as harry's brows raise in questioning. "you're around drugs a lot and you don't...use them."

"it's a matter of self control," harry murmurs. "i've been clean for so long that i don't think about it anymore. it gets a little easier every day. it's still a hard battle. i could honestly go balls to the walls right now but i won't. i refuse to. because i'm not letting that get in the way of what i have now. i have you. you're my drug of choice."

"i'm flattered," was the smaller lad's response. he was happy to hear harry's voice. happy to listen to his rambling. harry needed this. he needed to get things off his chest whether it was about the real issues going on or anything that was on his mind.

"i promise i won't ever let myself get that way," harry kissed his chest. "oliver deserves a sober dad and you don't deserve to see me high. i would rather die than put you two through that."

louis was quiet for a while, playing with the chain of harry's necklace on the back of his neck and stroking his shoulder. the older man's head was still leaned against his chest. his eyes were closed and he had his arms around louis now, just holding him.

"we're proud of you."

those four words hit harry so hard that he didn't realize he stared crying again until he felt a teardrop land on his arm. he loved this boy with every fragment in him. he could never express how much he appreciated him. he always knew what to say even if he didn't realize it.

louis allowed himself to be picked up off of the desk and carried back to the bedroom, arms and legs tight around the man as harry laid him down and pressed soft kisses to his skin.

he knew harry was tired. he had to have been exhausted by the way that he barely had the covers over him when he cuddled up to him. with his head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat in the silent bedroom. everything was crumbling down on him and he was fighting his inner demons even harder. that alone can mess with you.

so louis held him. he made harry turn onto his side to let him be the big spoon, carded his hands in his hair and pressed kisses to his head as the roles of caretaking were reversed.

"olly's been down for about fifteen, so i think we should be okay for a while," louis said softly. "do his tummy time with him. he loves you, and would be so happy to see you."

nodding silently, harry rubbed his thumb over louis' engagement ring.

"and if you are really feeling up for it," louis hummed, "i bet you two could maybe go outside and go for a walk. we can all go. if not, that's okay. but i want you to spend time with the baby."

"i will," harry whispered. "i miss him and i've been a bad dad lately."

"you haven't. you still do your dad things, but i just feel that if you have some daddy and olly time that you'll feel a little better."

harry rolled over and nosed louis' cheek before kissing it. "i feel so bad."

"i feel bad because i don't know how to comfort you," louis admitted. "liam told me to just keep an eye on you so that's what i've been doing."

"this," harry said and glanced up, where louis' hand was. at the top of his head still playing with his hair. "you are my comfort. i just hate crying and i hate feeling so vulnerable so i've locked myself in the office to let it all out."

"it's okay to be vulnerable around me," louis cooed. "i'm your fiancé, you know."

"yeah," harry smiled lightly. it was barely there, but louis saw the corner of his lip twitching upwards. "best fiancé i could ever have."

louis kissed the tip of his nose before pulling harry's head under his chin so he could continue to cuddle him. with the boss tucked beneath him, he covered them up with the duvet even more so harry would feel a sense of security in their bed. with their son napping in his crib just feet away from them because he didn't want to nap in the nursery, he himself felt secure, at least for now.

he wasn't sure what to do but something, someone, needed to help harry out and he had a feeling that person was him. ultimately it was him because he is his life partner, but nobody was going to be able to pull him out of this except for his little self. he's got this. harry's got this. he's a trooper, and he's a styles. he's stubborn, hardheaded to the point it hurts and stronger than anyone louis had ever met in his short life. harry may never return to his old self, but he'll be okay.

all in due time.

when olly woke up, harry was the first one to climb out of bed. louis was dozed off taking a tiny little nap, but he had poked his head up to see if olly was alright. he laid his head back down when he spotted harry picking the little one up.

"hi, handsome," harry cooed softly. he kissed olly's face multiple times and grabbed his blanket from the side of the crib. "let's go eat. mumma needs to get some sleep."

"i'm okay."

harry pointed a finger at him. "sleep."

louis sent him the middle finger.

harry's jaw dropped. he looked down at olly and said, "did you see that? mumma's being a brat already and it's not even noon. i should put him in time out."

"yeah, yeah," louis grinned into his pillow.

harry pursed his lips out when olly put his hand on his mouth. he blew a raspberry into his palm and pretended to eat his fingers.

"there's my smiley boy." harry beamed down at a grinning oliver. something about this kid flips so many switches in him.

he got a bottle made before carrying him downstairs. the tummy time mat was in the living room since there was more space for an adult to lay with olly and the said adult wasn't at risk for accidentally bumping his head on anything. unlike olly, harry is quite big and he has clumsy tendencies in the comfort of his own home. one time he smacked his head on oliver's crib hard enough that he had a small knot on his forehead for about three days. louis couldn't look at him without laughing but kissed the bump away anyways.

once olly was fed, changed, and comfy, harry gave him some time to chill out before laying him on his mat. he laid on his tummy in front of him and dropped his face down to eye level so that olly could see him.

"boo," he grinned. he picked up the end of the blanket and covered his face before revealing himself again. "boo!"

olly's face lit up and split in a wide, gummy smile. harry continued to hide and re-appear because it was making olly laugh. he played "where's olly?" and turned it around on him after moving to the other side of the blanket.

harry laid his head on his arm and hid behind the blanket once more. "where's daddy?" he waited a second before jerking the blanket from his face. "here he is!"

"mumma's here too."

harry turned his head and smiled up at the sleepy boy that was standing at the top of the stairs. "hi, baby."

louis yawned and waved down at him. he tightened his blanket over his shoulders and padded down the steps. while harry stayed on the floor with olly, louis curled up on the couch and called for alice.

"afternoon, sweet girl," louis crooned when the white cat jumped onto the couch. "did you have to hide from daddy harry and olly because they caused too much trouble?"

when alice mewed in response, louis hummed. "thought so. they're definitely up to no good ever."

"heeey. my olly is the sweetest."

louis grinned down at the little one. "he is. i love him so."

"i think i may take him shopping later," harry said, tipping his head. "wanna go shopping, olly pop? dad needs to get out of the house and you need some new toys."

"do you not see all of the toys we have already?" louis giggled.

harry pursed his lips. "mumma thinks you don't need them and i think he's a big liar. that's reason number two for time out. actually...his punishment will be that he can't go shopping with us. how does that sound?"

louis gasped. "you wouldn't."

the boss quirked an eyebrow down at his son. "thoughts?"

olly stared up at him with the same eyes that louis had. bright and curious.

harry nodded curtly and looked up at his fiancé. "boss man said you could go."

"yay!"

—-

harry held out two stuffed animals. "pick."

olly reached for the one in his left hand.

"good job, kiddo," the boss cooed when he took it from him. he decided a blue frog would be good. he's been working on his skills with grabbing things, but he also really likes to try and eat everything. unfortunately this frog is not edible and he's not going to like that at all.

louis picked some toys out too and went ahead and set them in the cart. half of the cart was filled with new things for the infant and some stuff for alice as well. they didn't have a purpose for this trip. it was just good to get harry out of the house.

walking through different aisles was entertaining because harry would tell olly what different items were used for. light bulbs were to give light in rooms. utensils for eating. blankets to keep you warm. candles to make rooms smell good. shoes to help you run from the cops (which earned a gasp from louis) and the most important of all of them, macaroni and cheese to make mumma happy.

once the cart was full of absolute nonsense, they checked out and loaded everything into the car. louis ripped the tag off of the frog so that olly could play with it and popped his binky in his mouth to soothe him during the car ride. he made sure his car seat was buckled in, squished his little cheeks with a smile, and tucked his frog in the seat with him.

"wanna go get some food?" harry asked. "i'm feeling foody."

"all that talking worked up an appetite, huh," louis smirked.

"it sure did. are you up for chinese?"

"always."

since olly wasn't quite ready for big kid food, he was not included in the chinese food dinner date. he got his own helping of strawberry banana baby food since that was his current favorite thing to eat. he likes certain puréed vegetables, like carrots and peas, but it's a struggle finding things that he'll actually eat. one time harry tried to feed him pears and he absolutely hated them.

louis grinned as he fed olly another spoonful. "that's some good stuff, huh." he chuckled when olly stuck his tongue out and tried to chase after the spoon. "hold on, mister. i know, i know."

"tell mumma to hurry up," harry pointed his egg roll at his son. "you're a growin' boy, you need to eat all the food in the world."

louis leaned over and took a bite of harry's egg roll. he held oliver's spoon out and fed him, swiping excess off of his bottom lip so he wouldn't get it all over his face.

"lou."

"mhm?"

"that had shrimp in it."

louis froze. "what?"

"this," harry held up his egg roll. "had shrimp in it."

the smaller man immediately put olly's things down and rushed out of his seat. "shit, shit, shit-" he glared at harry when he started snickering. "no way! you totally just pranked me!"

the boss feigned innocence by putting his hands up. he had his lips rolled in a tight line, but he was trying to hide his laugh pretty hard.

louis put his hands on his hips. "you're not funny."

"i think i'm hilarious."

"telling me i ate my own worst enemy is not hilarious, you ass. you nearly made me climb on top of the fridge for my epi-pen! what if we had to go to-"

harry reached out for him. "i'm sorry, baby. come here."

"please tell me that didn't have shrimp in it."

"it didn't. i don't get anything with shrimp in case you want some of it." the boss made grabby hands with a small pout. "please come here."

louis padded over to him but made sure olly had another bite first. he sat on harry's lap with a scowl, glaring down at the floor.

"please forgive me. i was just trying to be funny, and i failed." harry kissed the side of his face. "do you want the rest of it to prove it's safe?"

louis nodded, still pouting.

"what can i do to make you forgive me?"

louis shrugged and grabbed olly's jar of food. from his spot, he pulled his highchair over to them, making his eyes widen.

"kisses?" harry asked. "'cause i can do that. or i can give you both of my egg rolls. do you want some of my noodles, too?"

louis smirked down at olly as he continued to feed him.

"or i can make it up to you when the baby goes to bed..." harry kissed his clothed back. "i didn't mean to scare you, love. i'm sorry."

louis sat upright and looked back at him. "both eggrolls and a blowjob."

"deal."

"and if you ever try that again, i want chinese food for a whole month."

"also deal."

"and blow-"

"deal." harry kissed his cheek. "go eat. i'll finish feeding him."

"but-"

"ah," harry tutted. "no buts. you need to eat."

louis sighed and put the jar and spoon on the table. he grabbed the egg rolls off of harry's plate and wiggled back into his seat. he now has three and a half egg rolls and feels bad because his partner doesn't have any. even if he offered them.

he put harry's whole egg roll back on his plate. "love you."

"i love you," harry murmured. "i think chunkers is getting sleepy."

"nah. he just gets bored in his high chair. he can't move around in it." louis chuckled. "he's okay."

after louis finished half of his plate, he cleaned olly off since he had decided he was done. he took his bib and put it in the wash, and pressed a kiss to his rosy cheek.

"mumma loves you, chunkers," he cooed down at him. "a whole big bunch. i'm sorry if i scared you over yelling at daddy. i didn't mean it. i hope you still like me."

harry cleaned olly's high chair and tucked it away. "he loves you, baby. don't doubt yourself. ever."

louis nodded and looked back at him. "hope you still like me, too."

"lou," harry cooed. "of course i do. i definitely deserved that. my humor is just broken right now."

the younger boy bounced olly gently on his hip and leaned into harry's touch when the man got his arms around him.

harry pressed his lips to his temple. "i love you more than you know, sweet boy."

louis puckered his lips up at him. when he got his kiss, he moved olly to his other hip and proposed they go watch a movie together.

he got olly settled on the couch with his support pillow around his tiny body. he snuggled up right next to him, laying his head down by him that way he would be able to get comfy too. the sound of dishes clattering and the sink running caught his attention and made him a little happy. harry's up and moving and he's done a lot today. he's proud of him. he doesn't know what caused it, but it's done. it's really been a good day.

"baby?"

"yeah?"

harry walked in the living room. "thank you."

"for what?" louis asked, huffing when olly smacked him in the face. he grabbed his tiny hand and held it.

harry laughed and knelt down in front of him when he made his way over. "for being here. it means a lot to me."

"of course," louis crooned. "you're my husband, it's my job to take care of you when you're down."

"we're not married and you call me your husband?"

"mhm. it sounds better than fiancé, and you're more than my dom..." louis shrugged. "you're mine. all of you is mine."

"damn straight." harry kissed him with a wide smile. "i say let's take this party upstairs and we can all cuddle in the bed. what do you think?" he leaned forward and invaded oliver's bubble, eyes lighting up when his son put his hands on his cheeks. "wanna go snuggle in bed with mumma and daddy? we can watch whatever you want."

olly decided he wanted to try and eat his nose.

kids are weird.

"i'm taking that as a yes."

—-

so we're having a memorial service for andy this weekend. in lieu of flowers, bring condoms. it's what andy would have wanted.

thank you for 520k <3 i love you and i hope you are doing well!