When do you know you;re in love? Do you know it when his jokes become enticingly funnier? Do you know when shared kisses are more passionate? Do you know when secrets that are foretold become darker and well worth keeping? How can you tell you're in love? How can differentiate love and a mirage?

These are the questions that monarchs my train of thought. Everyday I spend with Michael only induces more of these questions. It's not that I'm questioning my love for Michael, but I'm asking myself, am I truly in love. I sometimes often daydream about the day Michael will ask my hand in marriage. I imagine saying yes, and then the vision blurs into fast forward, into our future. But, before the daydream ends, something wedges our happiness, more so, someone.

After Michael's meet and greet, Michael decided he wanted to turn down the pre-release party, and just return to our hotel room. I figured that he wanted to return to our suite because he knows if we go out, I would have to trail behind.

I hate this so much. It makes me feel guilty at times. Michael sacrifices a piece of morality, just to make sure I don't feel left out. I appreciate his caring nature, but I do fear he's going to eventually grow tired of sacrificing for me.

We've just arrived to The Double Tree Hotel, through the back way of course. I've taken notice that Michael and Bill haven't said a word to each other since we've departed Barnes and Nobel. I'm afraid that has something to do with me, it always does. I'm just bad luck.

As we wait to be cleared, I steal quick glances from Michael. He looks peeved, but each time I steal a glance, je forces a faulty smile and looks ahead. After the third glance, I gave up trying.

Finally Bill opens Michael side of the door, his facial expression resembling Michael's, with an exception of his additive of expression lines on his forehead.

"Come on" He simply instructs.

Michael obeys, still glaring at Bill.

I follow suite, avoiding Bill all together.

Upon taking our secret route to return to our suites, Michael falls behind to talk to Bill. By the sounds of it as I walk alongside Scotty, I inferred that it isn't a pleasant one. I can hear their low scowls, Michael feeling very strong about what ever it is they are arguing about. I try to turn to listen, but Sotty quickly redirects me forwards,

"It's bad enough that they are arguing about you. You don't want to make it worse" He whispers, guiding me into the elevator. Just as the elevator doors were closing, a huffing and puffing Michael, forces himself through the doors.

Without question, I steal his hand and give it a light squeeze.

Within ten seconds, we are on our suite level and everyone is returning to their designated rooms, everyone except Michael.

"Babygirl you go inside. I need to talk to Bill" He instructs, not even looking me in the eye.

I release his had and begin walking towards the door, only stopping to back at Michael. I'm hoping he will glance back as well, but he doesn't. Sighing, I swipe the room key, and slowly enter the bedroom, closing the door just as Bill exits the elevator.

Michael enters our suite ten minutes later, still clearly bothered by another round of heated words with Bill.

I stand from my spot on the love seat, watching him as he enters the kitchen corner for a beverage. I can't even construe the guilt in my heart, witnessing Michael argue with the only true father he's ever known, because of me.

"Michael?" I whisper aloud, as he proceeds towards our suites bedroom.

"I'm tired. Goodnight" He simply croaks, disappearing into the bedroom.

Not believing in sleeping with a burdened mind, I follow him to comfort him.

"Michael? Do you want to talk about it?"

He grabs his silk pajamas and silently enters the connected bathroom. Still not willing to give up, I grab my night gown and undergarments and once again follow him.

Just as I was entering, Michael was stepping into the shower.

My heart rate has increased, my body shaking with thought that I'm about to see Michael bare. I've seen as much of him as he has aloud me in out three years of friendship and one year of dating.

The same goes for me, with Michael not seeing beyond the flesh I've shown through my clothing. It's not that I am shy, it's just that Michael is a bit timid when it comes to sensuality.

Inhaling and exhaling deeply, I disrobe myself and prepare to see the true beautiful, Michael Joseph Jackson.

Climbing into the shower slowly, my eyes fall onto his gorgeous, chestnut back, so strong an lean. Following up onto his curls, they shine magnificently underneath the water.

I haven't even realized that I have been holding my breath the entire time, until Michael turns around jumping in fright.

"God! Jesse... W-why? When? God..." He squirms, quickly grabbing his towel from the top of the shower rod.

"I don't want you angry Michael. Not because of me Michael..." I stress, between the trickles of the water onto our skin.

Still trying to cover himself, Michael sighs.

"This has nothing to do with you Jess. Bill has always been like that. It's not your fault" He tries convincing.

I remain silent. I know he's just trying to raise my spirit, persuading me to think his recent feud with Bill isn't ritually connected to me.

"Babygirl... Don't worry about it. He will be fine"

"What about you Michael? Will you be fine?" I ask, glancing at the towel that he shields his true feelings with.

That's definite tactic of Michael's, hiding himself behind anything tangible to guard his feelings and frustrations.

"I'm fine. I'm just tired" He sighs, turning to step out of the shower.

I gently grab his forearm.

"Stay. Please" I whisper, my eyes staring intensively into his.

His expression is hesitant. I know his afraid to be vulnerable, but I want to see what's beneath the smile and encouraging words. I want to see the real Michael.

"Can I bathe you?" I ask once he removes his towel, exposing his strong, chestnut body.

The shyness in his eyes and the tense of his soft voice, when he whispered yes, made his passive nervousness, pass onto me like a gene.

Grabbing a washing sponge and his bathing lather, I slowly combine the two, my eyes never leaving his.

I step closer and glide the sponger across his broad shoulders.

"You are so beautiful
Michael"

He watches me mutely, as I continue spreading the Irish Springs lather over his chest, awing over his astonishing sculpted body.

I've never been so open until I met Michael. I appear as fierce, determined, and completely together, but Michael convinced me that it's okay to be that scared little girl I was.

The little girls whose father would remind her that there will be no tolerance of failure. The little girl who worked endlessly for a dream she is still working to attain. The little girl who is much like the little boy, Michael.

"Michael I want you to know that you don't have to hide from me. I don't want you to hide from me" I stress, now watching the water relieve him of suds.

"I'm not hiding. It's just... It's hard Jess. It's hard trying to be perfect" He admits.

Taking another inch towards him, I cup his chiseled jaw in my measurably smaller palms.

"Michael, you are perfect. Not the dictionaries definition. You're the true definition of perfection. You really are Michael"

"Jess... I'm not. Not at all" He sighs, now avoiding my eyes.

"Baby look at me"

He obeys, his eyes reddening.

"In my eyes you are every bit of perfect that you don't see. Michael don't shut me out. I love you. I love you so much" I stress, feeling the sting of tears as well.

Slowly wrapping his arms around my waist, he carefully steps closer. Anxiousness still very well resides in his eyes as he dares himself to press our bare bodies against each other. Whether it's the water evaporating from the shower head, or the mere fact that Michael and I are this close, I'm warming inside.

"I love you too Jess. You're so patient with me..." He whispers, gently pecking my lips.

"I'm so glad I have you. You don't know how much you are saving my sanity, my life..." He continues, growing bolder with his kisses.

"It's because you're worth it Michael. You're so worth it" I sigh, closing my eyes as he kisses lower onto the nape of my neck.

"Jess.. you don't know what you do to me girl" He groans, backing me against the tile walls of the shower.

Michael has never been so bold before, but there's the obvious note that we have never been in a moment like this before, so close, so bare, so open.

"Oh Michael..." I moan, as he nips and tugs at my slippery skin.

This is a lot to bare. I'm loving every moment of this, but the thought of Bill or the other guards hearing, quickly brings me to my senses. I wouldn't want another altercation because of me.

"Michael... Baby..." I struggle, still enjoying the feeling of his large, slender fingers roam the lines of my body, like the bristles of a paint brush against an empty canvas.

So gently he kisses me, afraid to make a wrong move. His quickened breath, blowing against my skin, sending chills down my spine. I've never felt this way before, such a strong sensual urge for him to claim my body like a damsel.

But now just isn't the right time.

"Michael, Baby... We have to stop... while we are head" I breathe, finally gaining the will to press my palms against his chest.

"Babygirl... I need you..." He groans, pressing his wakening member into my groin.

God this man.

"I... Baby..." I sigh, giving into his request for a night of passion.

"You're so lovely Jess..." He whispers, tilting my chin upwards.

"Oh my..." I exhale, feeling the fully erected member against my groin.

This is the Michael, Michael wants to display. This Michael is only for me. My Michael.

Lifting my leg onto his hips, he tightens his grip on my waist, requesting for my other leg to follow suit. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I happily oblige lifting my lone leg onto his hip. He proceeds to carefully exit the shower, managing to meet me in a few more hungry kisses.

"I love you Michael Joseph, God I love you" I whisper in his ear, nibbling at it freely.

"God Jess...." He groans, finally entering our suites bedroom.

As he gently lays me down onto the plush comforter of the bed, I look to the heavens, realizing whats going to happen in the next minutes.

I don't even know if I'm ready. Am I truly ready to give my everything to Michael? My body, which still holds my virginity. I've waited twenty-three years for this moment, but I'm now uncertain if I'm ready.

Catching a glimpse of the fear in my eyes by the only light; the living rooms fire place, Michael's face softens. The desire in his eyes, still holding on by a mere flame as he turns to the concern of this moment.

"You're not ready, are you?" He softly asks.

Scanning over the gorgeous man before me, I acquit the feeling of desire and shake my head, no. As much as I want this, I want to wait a little longer. I know Michael has been with a few before me, so I want to make that when I give myself to him, I am confident and knowing that he will be the only one.

Michael sighs in mutual understanding of my decision to end our session here. I hope he isn't regretting this on the inside, that would hurt me beyond measure.

"Okay babygirl... Can I still hold you tonight?" He sweetly asks, the flames from the fireplace enlightening his smile.

I nod.

He hands me a silk hotel robe from the wardrobe behind him, whilst he went in search of clothing as well. Sliding of the bed, I walk over to our dresser and search for a decent pair of panties. Upon finding them, I slip them on and return to the comfort of the hotel bed, awaiting Michael.

Dressed in royal blue, silk pajama bottoms and his infamous V-neck tee, he flashes yet another smile before joining me in the comfy cloud.

"I still love you Jess... don't think this night changed that. Please don't" He stress, pecking and stroking my very coily, still damp hair.

Cuddling more into his chest, I inhale him before answering.

"I know you do Michael. Thank you"

With another kiss indicating his "you're welcomed", he slowly closes his eyes. Pecking his exposed jaw, I close my eyes as well, lulled by the sounds of his steady breath...

To Be Continued....