Once Ryan's chest stopped pounding from the unwelcome blast of Brendon's alarm clock, Ryan was able to start making sense of things in his head. He was the one that shut off the alarm almost instantly while Brendon remained asleep next to him. It was clear that Brendon's hand had been able to put Ryan to sleep by simply rubbing his back, but what Ryan couldn't figure out was how Brendon had managed to move him over, away from the edge of the bed where he fell asleep, all without waking him up.

Brendon slept through the alarm and he remained motionless as he faced Ryan. While Ryan laid on his side, Brendon was curled up under the blanket with his knees pulled up and his folded arms resting against them. His forehead was pressed against Ryan's chest and while Ryan watched the small movements created by Brendon's breathing, Ryan wished he could figure out how to stop time. He knew that something had made Brendon curl up next to him, and he knew it was probably the same thing that upset him so much before he fell asleep with his head against Brendon's leg, but even as he started to wake Brendon up by playing with his hair, Ryan didn't want to ask questions.

"Good morning."

Brendon groaned and seemed to nuzzle his head against Ryan's chest, but he was barely conscious. "Sleep."

"I know you're tired..." Ryan moved his hand away from Brendon's hair and gently rubbed his cheek instead. "But you need to wake up."

"mmm... Next..."

"Huh?"

"I like it..."

"Bren, what? You're not awake."

"I am."

"What about 'liking next,' then?"

Brendon stretched and spoke quietly before he inhaled loudly. "I like waking up next to you."

Ryan's mouth was formed into a smile before he even realized it. He stretched and let his arm fall across Brendon's body and Brendon snuggled closer to into him.

"Feels so good to not be alone all the time."

"I know it does."

"Wonder if I could fake sick today."

"Nah, you don't wanna do that."

"I kinda do."

"Your mom might make me leave, then."

"She'd normally stay home... make sure I'm okay, but... I could probably convince her to go to work... let you stay with me."

"But would you wanna risk it? If she lets you stay but says I can't, then you'll be alone for the rest of the day."

"I don't know."

"Well I kinda... don't want that..."

"I wanna be home with you."

"Bren, I was fine yesterday, and Spence will make sure I'm okay again today."

"But still."

"It's only a few hours, and I really don't like the thought of you risking it and your mom saying I have to go home for the rest of the day. It's not worth it for just a chance at a couple extra hours."

"So you don't want me to?"

Ryan clung to Brendon with his arm wrapped tightly around him. "I don't want to have to be alone tonight."

Brendon exhaled and brushed his head against Ryan's. "I have to get ready for school, then."

Ryan changed into his jeans while Brendon looked for something to wear. He picked up a clean shirt out of Ryan's pile of clothing as if they were his own before hiding his body inside Ryan's jacket. There was a good chance that someone would come into the bedroom, and Brendon couldn't afford to take chances with his arms.

"I sent you something last night." Brendon sat down next to Ryan and nervously knocked their legs together.

"Huh?"

"I told you I wrote something in class yesterday and you said you wanted to read it."

"Oh, I remember."

"I typed it and sent it to you."

"Really? When?"

"While you were asleep. I don't show anything to anyone, so just..."

"Nobody else will see it."

Brendon smiled. "It's kinda just for you, anyway."

"What is it?"

"Supposed to be some lyrics but it's really fucking bad."

"I'm sure I'll love it."

"Well, if you like me, I supposed you can like anything."

Ryan put his arm around Brendon's back and held onto his waist, hoping it would say more than any words could ever hope to.

"Can I tell you something?"

"You know you can say anything to me."

Brendon exhaled and looked away. "I felt terrible last night."

"Why?" There were several things Ryan knew that Brendon could be referring to.

"Just seeing you get so upset like that."

"It happens to me sometimes... I need to be careful about it, though. I'll try harder to just, not..."

"No, Ry... you have every right and reason to do it, I just... I hate seeing you hurt like that."

Ryan exhaled and drew his bottom lip into his mouth. "I'm glad you didn't hate it enough to leave me in here, though." He chuckled nervously and glanced at Brendon.

"Ry, I could never do that... if I left, I wouldn't be able to fix it... and that's all I want to do for you..." Brendon wrapped his arm around Ryan's shoulders and pulled him closer.

"You fixed it last night. As much as it could be."

"I need to make it perfect."

"Nobody can do that."

"Can I keep trying?"

Ryan looked up at his friend and smiled at the honest expression on his face. Part of him was honored that Brendon was so determined to try to change the past, but he was just happy to know that the boy cared. He didn't want to think about how willing he would be to let Brendon change everything if he could, and he knew he would still take Brendon up on the offer of disappearing. Anything to get even the slightest bit further from everything that liked to cause pain recently.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Ry, can I trust you with something?"

Ryan brought his coffee away from his lips. "Anything."

"I mean, I know I can, but this is just... I don't know, I need to know that you're serious."

"About what?"

"I don't even know. I'm just scared."

"Of what?" Ryan moved to stand beside Brendon, and they stood at the foot of the bed.

"To officially tell you too much."

"I don't know if you could ever tell me enough."

"No, I could, and this... no, it's too weird."

Ryan gently grabbed Brendon's shoulder to keep him from walking away too quickly. "What do you need to say, Bren?"

"Nothing."

"You were gonna say something... Bren, what is it? You got me, Kid... you can say anything to me."

"It's not saying anything..."

"What is it?"

"I want to show you, some..." Brendon gently pushed the box of notebooks with his foot. "But it's too much, you'll hate me."

"I care about you too much to hate you, though."

"And I care about you too much to risk it."

"Is it bad?"

"In a certain sense. In the same way that it's too good."

"I promised to never drag anything out of you, but I think it would... mean a lot to me if you showed me."

Brendon licked his lips and studied Ryan's face, particularly his eyes, and he couldn't continue with his irrational thoughts of Ryan abandoning him. "Can you guard it with your life?"

"I promise."

"I know I say I don't care what you tell Spence and El, but not this... please..."

"Bren, anything you want kept between us will stay between us, I promise."

Brendon licked his lips again and cautiously looked at Ryan before he leaned down to the box. He glanced at a few of the notebooks, seeming to know what was in each one simply by the amount and location of the wear and creases on the covers. "This one..." He lifted up a rather thin, red notebook and handed it to Ryan. "Just don't look now. It's from this past... spring, I think. And summer. And this..." Brendon threw his book bag onto the bed and unzipped it, pulling out the older, multi-subject notebook that Ryan had seen him writing in recently. "I've used it for random shit before but I tore it all out... there are some class notes in here from last week but just ignore that. Anything you'd want to see in here is near the back. It's all newer stuff, really."

Ryan held on to the notebooks as if he were about to break them. "Don't you need something to write in today, though?"

"I have plenty." Brendon let Ryan see inside the bag, which contained not too much more than three notebooks. "I'd show you the really old stuff, but it's really all too embarrassing for me to even look at, so... it's not like it's easy for me to even do this."

"You won't regret it, though... I promise."

Brendon laughed and threw his bag over his shoulder. "We'll see after you look at all that."

There was a thick silence in Spencer's car all the way to school. Brendon and Ryan both knew that separation was inevitable, and they decided to not ruin it with words. Brendon sat against Ryan in silent gratitude for the strength that Ryan had given him the previous evening. Their hands were held together tightly to appreciate every second they had together before Spencer pulled up to the building.

"Lunch?"

Brendon nodded and looked down at their hands, hoping to remember what it felt like while they were holding on to each other.

"I'll read everything."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

"Brendon?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't be afraid of me."

"I'm not. I'm just afraid of losing you."

"Over what?"

"Honesty."

"You mean you're lying?"

"No. Too much honesty."

"No such thing when it's coming from you."

Brendon walked over to Ryan's side of the car when they got out, but he gave Ryan and Ellen some space while they hugged.

"We saw the email. Everything's okay."

"He's not mad?"

"Not at all. Feels sorta bad about everything, though."

"I didn't want that."

"It's okay. He's gonna talk to you... he's not mad. I have to say, you have a way of making me cry with the way you talk about this boy here." Ellen reached out and poked Brendon on the shoulder.

Ryan laughed and squeezed Ellen tightly. "I didn't want that, either."

"It was for good reasons. We love you two, you know."

Ryan smiled and nodded, looking at the ground.

"You and Spence take it easy today, alright?"

"Yeah."

Ellen put her face against Ryan's shoulder. "Don't worry about Bren. He's fine with me."

"I know."

Ellen turned her attention toward Spencer, and Ryan moved closer to Brendon, who was standing awkwardly with his hand clutching the strap of his bag.

"I guess... have fun at school?"

Brendon rolled his eyes and laughed. "Oh, I hear there's gonna be a massive party in the auditorium after lunch. Jello shots and everything, should be a fucking blast."

Ryan laughed and hugged his friend. "Just don't get drunk. I wouldn't like that."

"Oh... sorry..."

"Nah it's okay."

"I'll never drink, you know?"

Ryan nodded. "That's good. I won't either."

Brendon still looked embarrassed and he shuffled his feet.

"Just have fun skipping all your classes for that party."

Brendon grinned. "I think I heard something about having Metallica play, even."

"Oh, I'm sorry... I guess I'm glad I won't be there today. I'll just stay home all day and download music from the internet."

Brendon laughed and rubbed his eyes, triggering Ryan to gently hug him.

"Try to stay awake, okay?"

"Yeah."

"I don't want you to get in trouble again."

"I can't wait 'til this afternoon." Brendon pressed his head against Ryan's shoulder and gently clung to him.

"What happens then?"

"You."

Ryan rubbed Brendon's back and reluctantly let go of him. "We'll be fine. Don't let Ellen get too bored at lunch, okay?"

Brendon nodded, and Ryan was out of ideas for what to say. He knew it would end up hurting too much if he decided to hug Brendon again, only to need to break apart seconds later. Ellen gently linked her arm with Brendon's and pulled him away, and he simply waved at Ryan as he left.

Ryan was still uncomfortable with the situation with Spencer. Neither of them talked until Ryan was safely on his own bed. He kept Brendon's notebooks against his chest, and Spencer didn't want to ask about them, even though Ryan has been randomly lowering his face to the edge of them as if he were only supposed to breathe against the paper.

"So... you saw my email."

"Yeah." Spencer sat down beside Ryan and tried to stay calm with his arm around his shoulders. "Man, I am so fucking sorry."

"For what, being the most amazing friend ever?"

"I'm awful for all this."

"No, you're just concerned about me."

"But I need to let you live."

"You help me live, and I like that."

"Ryan, you just need to know... Ellen and I, we really like Brendon."

"I'm glad."

"I do want you to trust him. Trust him with everything you have... I just naturally worry too much, especially about you... I know Brendon's good, and the fact that you can help him is just... really good for you. I want you to have that, okay?"

Ryan nodded gratefully. "Yeah."

"What's in there?"

"Just... Brendon's stuff..."

"He's letting you read?"

Ryan nodded.

"Wow... he guards those with his life. Last year, at lunch one day... he was writing something and this kid that sat with us sometimes, he leans over and starts to pull it away from him.."

"Oh God."

"And Brendon just freaks out and elbows him in the fucking face..." Spencer laughed at the memory. "And he grabbed it back from him and closed it and just folded his arms and laid his head down on it... he really, really wasn't about to let anyone touch it."

"What happened, then?"

"Kid just left. Didn't sit with us again. El kinda moved closer to Brendon and played with his hair for a while, and he didn't really freak out too much... aside from almost breaking the kids cheek..."

"Didn't get in trouble?"

"Nah, it was too busy in there for any teachers to see."

"He gave these to me... just said he wanted me to read them. I need to check my mail, too."

"Go ahead and do that... just, I wanted you to know that I'm sorry for how I've been."

"I like how you've been, you've been looking out for me and I need that."

"Well, you got it, Kid."

Ryan lifted his computer and waited for the screen to flicker on. "But you... you're sure about Bren?"

"What about him?"

"You like him, and... you don't mind me, you know, just..."

Spencer smiled and tossed one of his socks at Ryan while sitting on the floor. "I know he's good for you, and yeah... we love him."

From: "Bren" <[email protected]>

Subject: <3

Date: Today, 1:20AM

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

im really too scared to do this, but im tired and therefore i can do it without thinking about it too much. i wrote this in class today. its really pointless and shitty so if you dont want to read it, i dont blame you and youre not missing anything. i know what its supposed to mean, kind of, but some of it just has no meaning at all. at least i cant see it if it does. i tend to just string words together so they sound pretty, but my problem is that i cant even make them sound pretty. i just dont want you to think that i am happy with how this sounds and therefore think i am completely stupid, because i know i cant write. i can hardly use words, let alone write things that sound good. what i am happy with, though, is what i was trying to say with the parts that DO make sense to me.

its for you, mostly, and i think you deserve something much much better, but this is all i have. im sorry. i wanted it to be better, but even after spending all day working on it, i still couldnt make it good enough. and now my mom is bitching about me being awake and on here. wonderful. i told her to leave me alone for five minutes, and i threw a please in there, and she just kind of got pissed off and made some stupid comments that i dont even remember. but she didnt yell. granted, she knew people were sleeping. it hasnt stopped her before, but i think its because you are here. even if she thinks i am five and have a bedtime, she doesnt seem to hate me when youre here. that being said, i dont seem to hate MYSELF when youre here, either. i think i want you here all the time. i hope ellen was right about you moving in with me?

just try not to laugh.

"either this is what happy feels like or i am glad to be miserable"

city lights that light the nights

in shining armor arm or hand

it to you, use your words to take it all away

a way out a way down a way to twist this all around

its in your favor, yeah, but hey, who am i to complain

im just a boy whos afraid of everything

afraid of you

of what ill say

too scared to face one more mistake

alive and well and well insane

a boy afraid of everything

fed up stood up and up in flames

fighting memories of that saturday

when you told me this is all a game

for people who are meant to breathe

competition meant for kings

not people that look like me

im just a boy whos afraid of everything

afraid of you

of what ill say

too scared to face one more mistake

alive and well and well insane

a boy afraid of everything

my finger traces lines of pain

and yours traces circles that list all the things

that no one saw go wrong with me

until your eyes found mine

and now we know how love can save lives

im just a boy whos afraid of everything

in love with you

its what ill say

im scared to face one more mistake

alive in love and so insane

a boy in love with everything

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

well. there ya go. i seem to have walked out onto quite a long limb and i just hope it doesnt snap under me, really. god, why am i still so nervous with you sometimes? we know everything about each other and still i manage to just get weak and nervous and shy and totally lame sometimes LOL i need to stop being so stupid about this, but its just my fear of messing everything up and being lonely forever. can i be really honest for a second? ever since all this happened to you, i really dont know what to say to you. it is no fault of your own... i just dont want to say the wrong thing and upset you or anything... i dont know what you want to hear from me, and i want to make you feel better but i dont know what i should say... if i talk about myself, i come off as selfish and insensitive. if i talk about you, theres a good chance that it will make you think about too much and i really, really, really do not want to see you in as much pain as you were earlier. i know how much it helps, though, and id rather you do that when im there to try to fix it... but my goal is to keep you from getting to that point. i just dont know what to say sometimes, and its only because i care about you so much. im sorry. i just want to say this, just because: if you ever need to talk about anything, im here, okay? i will always listen to you and i will always try to help. im here, i promise.

but i need to stop and get back to you now... i love watching you sleep, and yes, i admit that thats creepy :D

~B(needsyouverymuch)

Ryan wasn't quite prepared to handle the level of honesty that Brendon had been able to rise to. He knew where Brendon's fear came from, but he knew it wasn't necessary for Brendon to be afraid of anything. Not anymore. Ryan just wished he could make him realize it.

Ryan was afraid that he would never be completely ready to read everything that Brendon wrote. He didn't think he was ready to potentially see exactly how Brendon had felt in the past, because he knew it would just make him worry even more about his friend. But part of him still wanted it, and he knew that Brendon would not have trusted him with so much had it not been something he wanted him to see. Ryan started with the older notebook, followed by the more recent one, gently flipping through the pages and letting himself focus on certain things. He didn't want to take in everything at once because there was simply too much. He wanted to skim through at first and focus on anything that stood out, and he wanted to take time with it; go back to it later and focus on even more. Some of the writing was hard to read, obviously written in the heat of a moment where Brendon didn't have much control over his mind, much less his hand, and other parts were neater, some filled with drawings and scribbles while other areas contained searing descriptions of emotions and thoughts that Ryan knew all too well. Ryan didn't understand how Brendon could think so poorly of his ability to use words. Anyone that loved words as much as Brendon did would definitely be able to do them justice.

So I'm ready to just rip out my fucking throat so I can scream as much as I want and none of these fuckheads can ever hear me. Usually, when someone can't fucking breathe, it's a b ad sign and you don't tell them to stop crying so your sorry ass can go to bed. Sorry dad, but this is your fucking mess: both me and what you make me do. Go to hell.

***

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

***

Ryan? I don't think this kid knows how lucky he is to have friends like this

***

You are all a lost generation. Give up? Yes or No.

***

Random:

Dry on the outside/this shit means almost nothing/makes no sense, but hey/it might sound pretty together/when you're drowning everywhere else.

***

It's 8am, Saturday, I'm going back to bed. Why? Sleep = no feeling. They won't stop talking and trying to bring me down. My arm fucking hurts and I don't care. They talk about me like I'm not even a person with a name. I am "he"... fuck. I think dad ever threw an "it" in there somewhere. Am I real?

~I'm sick and fucked and the worst part is knowing it will never be better~

***

Random:

Know them for a minute/can never let them go/but held them in your arms forever/and know their soul.

I can't fucking write.

***

I love how think I can write and make music for the rest of my fucking life even though I have no fucking talent. Talent for disaster, maybe.

***

School now. Never thought I'd want to be here, but being tapped in a burning elevator would be better than staying home. At least the screaming in the elevator would have reason. Thank god for summer school. Ellen is amazing. She talked to me this morning at risk of losing her reputation as a worthwhile person. She said I seemed said. I said it was a bad morning and I'm tired and I'll be fine. She hugged me. + This is how I know Ryan is lucky.

***

I guess Ryan had a bad night last night. I feel bad because mine was actually okay. I tuned out my mom's bitching and I did what she said and it was pretty easy. But, Ryan.. is it bad that I've never felt like this about anyone and I've never even seen his face? I just want to hold his hand, like they do. I've never held anyone's hand. I'd do it for this kid. He's just like me.

***

Spent all morning wondering why Spencer and Ellen were freaking out. I didn't bother them so I had no idea until lunch. Apparently, everything is fucked. I've never seen Spencer so scared before and it really seems like he's more scared of this than I am of everything in my life. Ryan's mom left him last night. She fucking left him. How could anyone leave him? I can't even think. I have felt sick ever since they told me. I hate being so fucking helpless.

***

River. Feels like I can say all this shit out loud since nobody will listen. Funny, because sometimes I wish someone would listen. I guess I've calmed down a lot. Still worried about Ryan. Still wish I didn't have to go home (and still wish he didn't have to go home). I get to spend all summer wondering where he is or if he's alone. God, I hope he doesn't know what it's like to be alone, but he probably does. I hate this. Spencer and Ellen say he lives around here. So, walking here today, I had the "pleasure" of knowing that somewhere close to me, Ryan is locked in a house somewhere with himself. I wish I could just bring myself to ask about him. I want to talk to him, but I don't know why I think I can help him. All I do is light cigarettes and burn skin and hate everything about myself.

***

Math: Test. Don't study. Get a B. Stop caring.

Book report: Cliff notes? I don't know. I stopped caring.

***

Summer school. At night. Brendon's out of the house after 3 in the afternoon?! WTF has hell frozen over?!

***

Last first day of school ever? And of course I show up late. So this is it. Last year. Shouldn't be, but it's why I spent all summer locked in the house and at school. Seth's a dick, but whatever. This morning wasn't too bad. If I had any hope at all, I'd say it's going to be a good year, but I know better so I just hope I make it. I've never been so fucking scared. I hate the idea of college. I make no sense -- I want to get out of this house, but I don't know how to tell these idiots that sweet little Brendon doesn't want to do anything. That's what happens when you tear a person down like this. They just quit just like I have. I want to be something. I really fucking do. But I know they will never let me. I just hate being stuck. I want out but I don't have anyone or anything. I just feel sick because I have nowhere to go. I've just given up recently and started laying in bed and when I do have to be out of my room, I just try to make people laugh. I act stupid and make my mom laugh and she just ends up thinking i'm fine. It works.

***

I can't really think right now. They didn't tell me Ryan was coming here. I never knew what he looked like and I still, somehow, sit by him. He looks so confident and amazing and he has to be better - they said he looked sick all the time but oh my god, this can't be the same Ryan. I seriously can't think right now and I just want to talk to him but it would be creepy to just say "hi, you don't know me but I know everything about you." God this isn't happening. Fucking finally.

Happyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappy.

***

I hate living. I hate being laughed at. I hate it when my parents are the ones laughing. I hate not being able to get out of my head. I hate everything about myself. (butIloveRyan). I love having a reason to stay here, even if staying hurts so much. If he made it, so can I. So can I.

***

Ryan's not answering his phone. He gave me his number and he won't even answer. Why did I ever think anyone could ever like me? I'm so fucking stupid. Why did he have to hold my hand and make me feel like that, though? It's like everyone wants to fucking tease me and make me thing I'm not going to be alone forever. I fucking hate this.

***

He's going to save me. New name: Bren (!!!). AND he likes talking to me?! HOW?!?!

"I care, though. Don't forget that." -Ryan.

I hope he meant that, because I'll NEVER forget it. My mom has to ruin everything, but he fixes it. <3 <3 <3 <3

***

I don't care; he's amazing (+Icannevertellhim)

Ryan closed his eyes and left Brendon's notebooks on his chest. He didn't remember falling asleep, but he remembered Spencer pushing him over and laying down on the bed next to him, not saying anything. Ryan was a little too out of it to be able to tell Spencer that it still felt good to be next to him.

Ryan woke up with Spencer pulling him up by both hands. His first thought was about what had been on his chest before he fell asleep, and his eyes darted across the room until he saw the notebooks laying neatly on the nightstand.

"You... those, you didn't look..."

"Nah, I just sat 'em there. I didn't look."

"Hi Sweetie."

Ryan looked in the direction of his mother's voice and he rubbed his eye, holding on to Spencer's hand for a few seconds after he was already sitting up. Elizabeth slowly walked into the room, holding a wrapped sandwich.

"Hey... sorry, I didn't plan on sleeping..."

"It's okay. I brought lunch, you hungry?"

Ryan smiled and nodded, accepting the sandwich. A plain cheeseburger with tartar sauce. Ryan was used to taking flack from Ellen every time he ordered one because she insisted that it was the most disgusting thing known to man. While Ryan admitted to the strangeness of the combination, his constant defense was always "Don't knock it 'til you've tried it."

"So, you... when're you coming home?"

"Soon, Baby. I know I need to come back." Elizabeth put her arm around her son's shoulders. Despite the steady display of strength that she had been seeing in him, he felt surprisingly small and vulnerable to her when he leaned into her hug.

"You could just stay now, since you're already here."

Elizabeth sighed and kissed the side of Ryan's head. "I promise I'll be back soon."

"So why'd you come now, then?"

"I just wanted to tell you something."

"Mmm."

Elizabeth took one of Ryan's hands, and he continued eating with the other. "Honey, we're going to have him back tomorrow."

Ryan nodded and tried to concentrate on his food.

"They said I can pick him up tomorrow morning. Are you okay with that?"

Ryan shrugged.

"Baby, I'm asking you because what you think matters to me. If you want to wait, they said we can take as much time as we'd like."

"Tomorrow's fine."

"You'll have part of him for yourself, too, Baby. And we have a really nice container that we can keep... I want you to help me decide what we do."

Ryan shook his head. "No, just, give me what's mine, and just... I'll figure it out."

Elizabeth nodded and looked around, and she decided it was best to change the subject. "So do you think you'll keep living in your bedroom once I'm back?"

Ryan smiled and tossed his trash across the room to land in the trashcan. "Probably."

Elizabeth chuckled and ran her fingers through her son's hair. She let her hand fall to the collar of the dirty white dress shirt that Ryan still hadn't wanted let go of. "How have you been, Hun?"

"Alright." Ryan rubbed the side of his thumb and consciously decided to not use his nails to pick at it.

"So... you're staying with Brendon for a few days?"

Ryan nodded and bit his lip as he started to smile.

"Spencer told me a lot about him while you were asleep."

Ryan nodded again. He really didn't care what his mother knew about Brendon.

"You... want to talk about him at all? Tell me anything?"

"Not really... not much to say, he's..." Ryan shrugged and accidentally gouged his thumb, still feeling a pang of guilt even though he didn't try to do it.

"You're happy... he said you're happy when you're with Brendon."

Ryan shamefully looked away and nodded his head.

"I'm glad you're happy."

Ryan looked at his mother's face but he quickly looked down to her lap.

"I love you, Honey."

Ryan exhaled and hugged his mother. He knew she wasn't mad at him. He didn't know how, but he believed her when she said she wanted him to be happy.

***

winter we fell: good morning <3

thrd i brend: <3 i cant really talk... davis just let me on to tell you that she needs her computer today and she says shes sorry about it

winter we fell: :/ i was looking forward to talking to you

thrd i brend: im sorry ry... please dont be mad at me, im so sorry

thrd i brend: did you read anything?

winter we fell: yes

thrd i brend: ah

winter we fell: its okay <33333 i will email you everything i wanted to say... ask davis if she will let you check it before class today

thrd i brend: ok

thrd i brend: she said she shouldnt but she will let me just this once, but she doesnt want me to reply to anything. i told her you were sending me something.

winter we fell: ok good

thrd i brend: i need to go

winter we fell: ellen with you?

thrd i brend: yes

winter we fell: ok. you're fine, then.

thrd i brend: yeah

winter we fell: <3

thrd i brend: <3

thrd i brend: bye hun

winter we fell: bye

thrd i brend signed off at 11:17:23 AM.

Ryan didn't let himself get upset over the fact that Brendon couldn't stay and talk. He wanted to get his thoughts down anyway, and the only thing he had to be sure of was that his words would make Brendon feel good about everything.

To: "Bren" <[email protected]>

Subject: <3

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There's really not much I can say that will really tell you how you make me feel... I read your stuff this morning and your words just... did something... I can't even describe it. I don't like to see you say all these bad things about your writing. I think it's beautiful because it's honest. I believe everything you say, and you say it so well... you know, I think we should write songs. Just me and you. Us. What do you think? Nobody has ever written anything so beautiful for me before. Please, Bren... don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to say anything to me, don't be afraid that I will get upset, and please PLEASE don't ever keep anything from me. It will not make you look selfish. I have all but begged you to talk to me when you need to, and even after everything that's happened, I still want that.

Seeing certain things in your own writing made them feel so real to me. A lot of it just broke my heart because I know what so much of it feels like, and I don't like knowing that you have felt it before. I will never let you feel that bad again, okay? If you ever feel it coming on again, I will make it stop. I promise. What you said is right: love CAN save lives. It already has.

I never, ever knew that you felt like that about me before you even met me. I don't think it's scary, I think it's amazing. Your capacity to care about people is beautiful because not many people have it. I had no idea that the first big talk we had on the phone meant as much to you as it did to me. I'm glad I was able to make you so happy. It meant so much to me that even though you weren't very happy at one point, you still wanted me to stay on the phone with you. Even though we weren't saying anything. If you ever need that again, you know I'm here.

I'm not sure if you know how much I need you. I'm sorry that you don't like yourself all the time, but I guess I just can't see all the bad stuff you see. When I look at you, I see a person who just needs someone... you have me, and I care about you, Bren. I promise. But I need you too. I don't really want to talk about this, so I'm going to ask you here: do you think you can convince your mom to let you leave school after your morning classes tomorrow? My mom came over today and she told me she's getting him tomorrow morning. Don't know what I'm going to do but I couldn't tell her to wait, even though she said I could... so I don't know what I'm going to do, but I just want you with me. I want Spence and El here, too, but I really want you here. Just beg her, do anything, I don't know... just don't make her mad. I hate asking you to do this because it sounds so desperate, but I don't know... I need you, and I can't really put it any other way.

I still haven't read everything. What I read just made me want to hold you and apologize for every second that I couldn't be with you in the past, and I guess I would just feel better if I read the rest at a time when I can actually do that.

Sorry this was so long. You're a great person. You don't have to believe me when I say that, but I hope you trust me on it. You're everything, okay? You can make it.

Not much longer until I see you,

-Ry(needsyoutoo)

~~~~~~~~~~

Ryan got out of the car and walked toward Ellen when he noticed that she was exiting the school alone. She greeted him from a distance with an exaggerated, toothy grin and she wrapped her arm around his back when she was close enough. "What's up? Spencer send you out here because he didn't wanna move?" Ellen laughed at her boyfriend's occasional laziness.

"No, where's Brendon?"

"It's alright, he's still inside. He said he was gonna call his mom real quick and then he'd be right out."

"Is he okay?"

"Seemed like it. He said he read your email in class and he seemed pretty happy about it. You know, Davis adores this kid because she lets him get away with so much. He's actually in her room calling his mom."

Ryan dove into the back seat and he was a little more at ease after what Ellen had said. "How was today, then?"

"Just fine." Ellen finished a quick kiss with Spencer. "He was a little pissed that he couldn't talk at lunch, but he was so excited about knowing he'd get that email from you. It was so cute I coulda puked. He kept spazzing about it and I could've smacked him if I didn't love him so damn much."

Ryan laughed and shoved his knee into the back of her seat. "You wouldn't touch him!"

"Well I hug him like crazy. And I always pretend to punch him in the shoulder when he's being dumb... seriously, the kid is hilarious when he's not worrying himself sick over things. He's pretty fun."

"Yeah, I know... I just haven't seen much of that side of him."

"I hope you get to soon."

"Yeah... I think, with me, he's just jumping all over the chance to say things he's needed to say for a long time... I want that, though..."

"I know you do. He loves you for that, just how much you'll listen to him..."

Ryan smiled but didn't have time to say anything before Brendon opened the door and climbed in to the back seat.

"Sorry guys."

"Don't be sorry." Ryan grabbed Brendon's hand as if it were as standard as breathing. "What's up?"

"Well, I wanted to call my mom..."

"Yeah?"

"But my dad took her phone today. Granted, she accidentally picked up his as well, so it's a bit of a mess."

"Did you talk to her?"

"Talked to my dad."

"Oh."

"He uh... you wanna know what he said?"

Ryan studied the lack of distress on Brendon's face. "Of course."

"Well, before I asked anything, he apologized about last night."

"That's nice."

"He said him and Seth came up to apologize last night but it didn't sound like you wanted any visitors, so they went away."

"Huh?"

"Nothing, I remember it though. Someone came to the door and started to open it but went away. It was them."

"Oh... uh..."

"I was surprised about it but he's cool I guess."

"Did they see..."

Brendon shook his head and squeezed Ryan's hand. "Nah, just heard. But he made me tell him what I was gonna ask Mom."

"Did you?"

Brendon nodded. "He just made me talk about it for a couple minutes and he said I didn't need to ask Mom."

Ryan dug his fingers into Brendon's hand and looked away.

"He said I can take tomorrow off and he'd tell her."

"What?"

"He said I deserve it after last night and he didn't wanna make anything any worse for you after what he heard."

"Are we even talking about the same person?"

Brendon smiled and nodded. "I know... I think Mom and him talked or something."

"So... you're..."

"I'm with you tomorrow."

Ryan smiled and looked down at their hands.

"Hey, uh... Spence?"

"Brendork?"

Brendon playfully glared at Spencer in the rear view mirror. "Would you be okay with heading toward the river? I mean, I don't know what you were-"

"I can do that, yeah." Spencer nodded and Ellen gently elbowed him in the arm. "Actually, uh... we should get some stuff done, but if you guys are alright on your own, I can just drop you off...?"

Brendon looked at Ryan for an answer.

"Yeah, just keep your phone on?"

"Of course."

"We'll be fine, but just... if I need to call, you know?"

Spencer smiled and nodded while Ellen grabbed his right hand.

"El, you're staying home tomorrow too."

"Alright!" Ellen laughed. "Should I know why?"

"Spencer knows."

Spencer decided to not tell Ellen about anything until after Ryan and Brendon were out of the car. Brendon sat his bag down and lifted the hood of his jacket; rather, Ryan's jacket; over his head. They were in their usual spot and he took off running toward the large rock in the corner of the area, jumping onto it and landing on his stomach. Ryan jogged over to him, laughing, and watched as Brendon slowly slid off the rock and crashed to the ground beside it in a small pile of boy, blue jeans, and hoodie.

"You're insane."

"No, I'm normal. You're crazy." Brendon lifted his hands to Ryan's outstretched arms and allowed his friend to pull him to his feet. He let his grin fade to a satisfied smile while he brushed himself off. "Uh... your email, thanks... you..."

"I meant all of it."

"I know."

"I still need to look at so much, though."

"But you read the song?"

"Of course."

"I'm sorry."

Ryan gently took Brendon's hand and walked toward the water with him. "I thought it was beautiful."

"You deserve better, though."

"I don't think it could be better. You were so honest in it, and I just think... I know how hard it had to be for you to give me that, and your notebooks, Bren... your goddamn notebooks; your life is in those..."

"I trust you with it, though."

"And it's such an honor to just... have it..."

"Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

Brendon blushed and looked down to the water. "You said you just wanted to hold me..."

Ryan looked at Brendon's scared face and tightened his grip on his hand. He pulled him away from the water and silently but quickly walked over to the piece of cement that they always used as a seat. He sat down and pulled Brendon down next to him, and he didn't speak; he simply turned sideways and pulled Brendon against his chest. He didn't want to answer with words. Ryan wrapped his right arm in front of Brendon and held his hand against the boy's back, and his left hand was holding Brendon's head against his chest while his fingers ran through Brendon's hair.

Brendon felt safe with the side of his head pressed against Ryan's shoulder. His eyes stared right across Ryan's chest and out to the water, but Brendon soon lifted his arm and laid it on Ryan's chest after his hand found some of Ryan's hair. He now stared at his own covered forearm, choosing to ignore the aftermath of intense pain and anger that was beneath the sleeve, and he repetitively moved Ryan's hair in and out from between his fingers while his hand rested almost parallel to his face on Ryan's other shoulder.

"Ryan?"

"Mmm?"

"I like this."

Ryan closed his eyes and inhaled slowly. "I like it too."

"Are you scared?"

"Of what?"

"Tomorrow."

"Are you?"

"Why would I be?"

"You can be scared, it doesn't have to be just me."

"I kinda am."

"Me too."

Brendon nuzzled his head against Ryan's shoulder and brought his legs to a more comfortable position, which resulted in him leaning against Ryan just a little more. "Do you know what you want to do yet?"

"I'm not sure."

"It's alright."

"I think I wanna come here."

"Really?"

"Good things happen here."

"They do."

"And it's easy to think here."

"Yeah."

"Bren?"

"Yeah?"

"How special is this place to us?"

"Very."

Ryan nodded with his forehead against the top of Brendon's head. "I need to come here tomorrow."

"Then we will."

Ryan took his hand away from Brendon's hair and wrapped it around Brendon's back, and he squeezed Brendon tightly with both arms. "I'm sorry I could never do this before we met."

"I'm just glad you can now."

"Things will be better, you know."

"Yeah."

"They're getting better."

"I know."

"Can I just feel bad about the past for a while?"

"What past?"

"The one where you were sick for so long and didn't have anyone."

"As long as you know I'm getting better now."

"I do."

Brendon whispered into Ryan's chest. "I'm not lonely anymore."

"We won't be ever again."