Ryan tried to not feel ashamed as he walked into the kitchen. It was empty although his breakfast sat on the counter, coffee once again just cool enough so that Ryan could drink it. His hair had yet to see a brush that morning but it had been tamed by his fingers and he decided that he kind of liked the disheveled look that he woke up with. It looked like he did it on purpose, just like the decision he made to wear Brendon's red t-shirt again, or the fact that he didn't mind that he had once again fallen asleep without taking his jeans off. The same outfit for two days in a row was neither a record nor a bad sign. Ryan simply didn't see the point in washing something that wasn't dirty or something that still felt like Brendon.

"Mornin'." Ryan's father entered the kitchen and sat some unidentifiable papers on the counter.

"Hey."

"Coffee good?"

"Yeah." Ryan still didn't look up from his plate.

"You okay now?"

"Yeah."

The man's worn hand found its way to Ryan's thin shoulder. "I'm sorry."

Ryan looked up and partially shook his head as he spoke. "You didn't do anything."

"I'll be the judge of that. What happened last night, Kiddo?"

"It's nothing."

"It didn't sound like nothing."

"I just needed it. I swear, it's nothing."

"That hasn't happened in a while, Ryan."

"I've never done that before."

"You were little, you probably don't remember."

"I guess not."

"I know you're not gonna tell old Dad what happened last night but that doesn't mean I don't want to know what's going on with you."

"It's my own stuff, really. Nothing you did and only things I can fix."

"What needs to be fixed, Kiddo?"

"Honestly, nothing. I just need to know something."

"Oh, great. How much is it gonna cost me this time?"

Ryan made eye contact with his father and they both laughed, Ryan's slightly more nervous than his father's. "Nothing like that, no."

"Then go ahead, but it looks like Spencer's waiting on ya."

Ryan looked out the window and started to pick up his bag. "Just... out of everything I could do, like, any decision I could make, anything I could do with myself... is there anything that I could decide to do that would make you absolutely hate me?"

His father looked almost offended by the notion, but he was more surprised by his son's specific question that begged for honesty. "Ryan, what is this?"

"Just tell me."

"You are my son and I may never be the perfect dad to you but nothing you could ever do would ever make me hate you, Ryan."

"You really need to think about that. Just think of anything, the worst shit I could do."

"I wouldn't hate you even if you became just like me, but I would be terribly disappointed if you hurt yourself that much, Ryan."

Ryan couldn't deny the fact that he felt like his father's words had stabbed him in the chest. "Don't say that."

"I don't want you getting hurt, but you're smarter than that. Nothing can change the fact that you are my son and I will never hate you, no matter what you do. I'm just going to be a little annoyed if you don't make it to school on time."

Ryan laughed quietly again and he hugged his father, feeling his hand on his back again and he really did not want to pull away when he did. "So, tonight then?"

"I suppose."

"I'll be here after school, I think."

"Alright."

"I guess uh... I guess I'll introduce you to my date for tomorrow, if you'd like."

"I would."

"I'll have, um... we'll be here tonight so I'll... introduce you then."

"Sounds good. And your friend's staying tonight?"

"Yeah. Just... I'm holding you to what you said." Ryan tried to not sprint toward the door and he was glad Spencer was so patient. He wasn't afraid of being left behind since Spencer never felt like bringing Ryan's mornings to an end.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing, it's fine... love ya, Dad."

"Love you too, Kiddo."

Ryan slid into the back seat and he was greeted with Brendon's not-so-hidden hand as it was instantly attracted to his own and they became safely locked together. The smile on the boy's face melted away every one of Ryan's anxieties and he was mentally kicking himself for getting so scared. Ryan wasn't the only one wearing the same clothing for a second day and Brendon looked fairly ridiculous with Ryan's horrid polo peering out of an unbuttoned light blue long sleeved shirt. There was no jacket in sight and it was strange to see Brendon with something other than one of his sweatshirts covering his arms, and although he looked hilarious in the clashing clothes, Ryan remembered the humor and sarcasm in his first encounter with Brendon and he knew that this was how Brendon really was. Ryan looked down to their hands and laughed to himself, not answering when Brendon asked what was so funny. Nothing was funny, but Ryan just felt like laughing anyway.

More popcorn in his hair at lunch proved to Ryan that Spencer was once again nothing short of completely correct. The extra person at their table and in their lives could never mean that anything was different between them; it was just better. Ryan was never the last to admit that he was terrified of change, but Brendon's eyes felt so much like home to him. A real home, not the one he had to live in that was nothing like a home half the time. As the day progressed and Brendon easily took over every thought in Ryan's head, Ryan found it increasingly harder to see any of it as change. It was more of a realized goal, one of true happiness, something that Ryan had only recently decided he would be able to find one day but Ryan knew where the fear came from. With everything happening so fast, so soon after he had pulled his head above water, he was temporarily out of things he wanted to improve in himself. The fear came whenever he remembered that he was going to have to examine his own flaws all over again and hate himself enough to want to change something. Every time Ryan started to dwell on this, he remembered Brendon's arms and he remembered the boy clinging to him for breath the night before and Ryan was reminded that he was not quite out of missions just yet. It was just no longer something he had to do for himself even though it was so much more worthwhile than his own personal quests had ever been. Ryan was pretty certain that he enjoyed being strong enough, as he knew Brendon would say, to share some of his newly acquired confidence with someone who he knew deserved it more than anything.

Two notebooks, some socks, a toothbrush, and a pen. Brendon emptied the contents of his bag into the corner of Ryan's bedroom almost as if he wished to display the only things he felt he needed to get him through the weekend away from home. He knew Ryan had clothes and everything else and he really didn't care to think much more about it. Ryan jumped down onto his bed and dramatically threw his arm around Ellen's shoulders after she took it upon herself to make herself at home on his sleeping space.

"Hey now. That's mine!" Spencer pulled on Ellen's leg and started to drag her off the bed. "You take that one." He pointed at Brendon and nodded once toward Ryan as he abandoned Ellen's leg and sat down next to her instead.

Brendon was sure that Ryan saw his uncontrollable grin and he quickly turned away out of embarrassment, inspecting the shelf full of movies that he had previously ignored in order to ogle Ryan's huge music collection.

Ryan met Ellen's gaze and she grinned at him, nodding in Brendon's direction with her eyebrows raised, causing Ryan to shake his head quickly. She shifted in her boyfriend's arms and leaned forward to whisper in Ryan's face. "Pleeease?"

Ryan laughed a little too loud as he spoke. "What?"

Brendon turned around to observe the sudden commotion and Ellen noticed her new observer, so she quieted her voice even more and turned her face directly toward Ryan. "Hug him!"

Ryan's face turned an intense red and he shook his head again, momentarily bringing his thumb up to his mouth before remembering his little deal with Brendon.

"Ryyyyan. Do it!"

"Oh my God, leave me alone!" Ryan laughed through his whisper and he pushed Ellen back, but he was unable to resist her mouthing of the word "please" as she grinned at him pathetically. He rolled his eyes and stood up, making his way over to an unsuspecting Brendon and quickly throwing his arms around the boy's neck with every intention of taunting Ellen with the quickest hug he had ever given Brendon, but Brendon had different plans.

A videotape crashed to the floor and Ryan suddenly sensed Brendon's hands clasped against his arms, holding them in place. He stood still expecting any second to be thrown to the ground, almost tossed over Brendon's shoulder in a fit of fun laughter, but Brendon squirmed inside the circle of Ryan's arms and he turned around to face Ryan, sliding his own arms down around Ryan's waist and positioning his face against Ryan's shoulder, close to his neck. Ryan felt cold against his skin as Brendon inhaled quickly and loudly, collapsing into Ryan's body so gently that nobody could tell just by looking. Ryan's arms were still around the boy's neck and Ryan spoke with his mouth between his upper arm and Brendon's ear.

"Bren..."

Brendon stood up and smiled sweetly at Ryan before returning to his goofy grin from earlier. With his head tilted down slightly, he aimed his eyes upward and started to blush as he whispered almost inaudibly. "Needed a hug. It's been a while."

Ryan laughed with breath through his nose and he looked down to the place where their chests started to touch, but it was only a matter of seconds before Brendon's voice exploded in his ear.

"Get ready!"

"Wha--?" Before Ryan could even form an entire word, Brendon had raised one arm off of Ryan's waist and moved it to the middle of his back and he was bent over, slightly sideways, hooking his other arm around the back of Ryan's knee. Ryan instinctively tightened his grip around Brendon's neck in a poor attempt to remain upright as Brendon pulled his leg out from under him and supported Ryan's body with the arm that was around his back. Ryan let out a loud laugh that could have been mistaken for a scream as he was slowly thrown to the ground with Brendon's controlled body slam of sorts, reaching the ground quickly although he was pretty much laid on the floor by Brendon's arms. His grip on the boy's neck caused Brendon to crash down on top of him and their cheeks brushed quickly before Brendon rolled away laughing with his hands on his stomach. Ryan laid tangled on the floor, wondering what had happened and how Brendon had managed to basically pick him up and throw him to the ground while avoiding major bodily harm to either of them.

"Oh man, I got you so bad!" Brendon was in hysterics and Ellen was almost on the same level. Ryan, much like Spencer, was just confused.

"Double-you tee eff, Bren! What the hell!" Ryan laughed while he pressed his fist into the side of Brendon's head, which only earned him a quick squeeze of the hand as Brendon tossed his arm back to him.

"Owned. Totally." Brendon rolled onto his side and pushed himself up while shooting Ryan an evil grin, ending up standing on his knees. He picked up the video he had dropped and held it up for his three friends to see. "Yeeeeeeeah, I almost forgot.... I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too..."

Spencer snapped out of his amused confusion and laughed at Brendon's bad impression. "I think Bren wants to watch Office Space so he can practice his Lumbergh voice because he's about as good at that as I am funny."

Brendon's grin dropped open with his mouth but he couldn't fake offence to save his life. "How dare you!"

Ryan grabbed the tape from his friend and placed his hand on his dresser to pull himself up. "Yeah, man, he's right; it's pretty bad." He pretended to cower in fear of a punch that he knew would never come because he was correct about it coming in the form a sarcastic glare and wrinkled nose from Brendon.

Ryan pretended to kick his friend before slipping the tape into the television. He had always been too cheap to purchase a DVD player and replace his movie collection, so along with his soft spot for vinyl records, he decided to remain comfortably in the past. Ellen mumbled something to Spencer and he nodded before both of them abandoned the bed for the floor and Ellen smiled at Ryan, kindly giving him permission to take full advantage of his whole bed. Ryan sat down and slid back against the corner in the wall with his legs sticking out diagonally across the bed, one foot hanging over the edge. Brendon watched Spencer and Ellen for a second and he looked almost embarrassed but he shook his head once and allowed his long sleeved shirt to fall off his body as he walked over to Ryan, climbing in bed beside him. His back rested against the wall and his legs ended up laying over top of Ryan's and Ryan was facing him slightly due to being positioned against the corner.

Spencer took it upon himself to fast forward through previews and FBI warnings and before the movie even really had a chance to begin. Ryan noticed Brendon's hand laying open with his palm facing upward while Brendon simply looked at him with a questioning look on his face. Ryan tried to appear dramatically cautious, glancing back and forth from Brendon's face to his open hand several times while biting his lip and lowering his brow until he was able to pull a large smile out of Brendon. He joined him in smiling and he reached across Brendon's arm to lace their fingers together and he studied the exposed wounds that Brendon was comfortable enough to reveal to his friends. Ryan's eyes drifted shut and if he didn't know any better he would have thought he was praying, asking for things to get better, asking for things to stay as perfect as they were right then, praying for everything to heal and for the scars to fade. But God had never helped him before, and he tried to push these thoughts out of his mind, not feeling very confident that answered prayers were even possible.

Maybe they were, though, and Ryan couldn't help but to believe in some sort of higher power when he eventually found himself lost inside Brendon's eyes. He didn't know how long they had been staring at the television, pretending to watch the movie, but sometime long after his leg had gone numb, the two of them had looked at each other. Simply looked, nothing more, and their eyes never seemed to move away. Brendon's lips twitched slightly but he didn't acknowledge it and Ryan chose to do the same. Ryan moved his hand around a little and only succeeded in rubbing his fingers against Brendon's hand although it felt like much more. It wasn't until Spencer stood up and stretched and Ellen used his absence as an excuse to turn around and stare at her friends on the bed that Ryan was forced to look away, but he was happy knowing that it was so easy for the two of them to be totally lost with each other while sitting together in one place and never unlocking their eyes or hands.

"I'm starving. Your dad should be home soon, right?"

Ryan's tired eyes glanced at the clock. "Remember he works late some Fridays, so probably... a couple hours yet, I'd imagine. I wouldn't expect him 'til after seven thirty I guess."

Spencer finished stretching and opened the door. "Safe for me to raid the freezer?"

"Yeah. Well, no, not if you don't bring me something."

"Yeah, because you're so violent."

"You know me."

"Oh shut up, even Brendon proved that he can kick your ass."

"Hey, he has muscles!" Ryan awkwardly reached across his own body as well as Brendon's because he didn't feel like breaking their handlock just yet. He grabbed Brendon's free arm and waved the rather impressive bicep in the air for Spencer to see, Brendon's forearm flailing in the air due to Ryan's movements. Spencer laughed and shook his head as he just about ran toward the kitchen.

Ellen pulled herself up onto the bed as soon as her boyfriend was out of sight and her legs ended up underneath Brendon's when she granted herself permission to lift them up to make room for herself. She looked at their hands and then up at their faces before a satisfied smile crossed her face. "So. Dance tomorrow!"

Ryan was getting sick of all this blushing. "Yeah."

"What are you wearing?"

Ryan was reminded of what he still had to discuss with Brendon and he turned to him to speak directly. "Oh, I have your shirt... so I have these black jackets that are the same 'cause Goodwill had two of them and I couldn't pass them up, and I have these pants that are black with little red stripes, you up for that?"

Brendon shrugged. "You can put me in whatever you want."

"Excellent." Ryan ignored the possibilities of where he could go with the very obvious joke that was just asking to be told after what Brendon said. "And I have a white shirt I'll wear with the jacket and there's some pants like the ones I'm giving you except they have white stripes instead of red... and we'll have the black Chucks and everything..."

"You're good at the whole coordination thing, aren't you?"

"We'll look awesome." Ryan noticed that Ellen was silently laughing with her head against the wall. "Yeah we'll be hotter than Ellen, she knows it."

"Hey! It is totally appropriate for me to wear my At the Drive In shirt with this insane skirt I've had for a while. You know, that one with orange flowers?"

"Oh my God, Ellen, that skirt is a crime against humanity."

"Oh, I am well aware!"

"And a band shirt. You're insane. Spencer's gonna break up with you." With perfect timing, a loud crash came from the kitchen as Spencer obviously dropped something that was not fragile. "If he doesn't kill himself first."

"Yeah, I wear the ugly skirt, you guys wear matching outfits. I think we should call ourselves even on the lameness factor here, Kid."

"Sure." Ryan applied more effort to his grip on Brendon's hand and he smiled at him before looking back to Ellen. "What about dinner tomorrow?"

"I say we go take over a McDonald's again. Remember the time we went there and sat down and started complaining that we hadn't been waited on after sitting for ten minutes?"

Ryan broke down into laughter but he quickly composed himself out of respect for Brendon, who had not been there at the time. "We're gonna get shot some day. Need to warn ya, Bren... when we go places, we make people hate us. You'd swear we were eight years old at times." Ryan smiled as he remembered some of the stupid stuff the three of them had done together and Brendon smiled in return for the fact that Ryan's eyes were meeting his again.

"And that's an insult to most eight year olds." Ellen grabbed the remote and turned up the volume. "I wanna listen."

"Because you haven't seen it fifty times or anything, no."

Ellen raised her finger to her mouth and hushed Ryan dramatically, which was an invitation for him to shift his leg in an attempt to hit her with it. He proceeded to slide down just a little bit to give himself an excuse to move and lay against Brendon a little more. Spencer eventually came back bearing a gift of a large popcorn bowl and Ryan instinctively feared for his hair until he realized the bowl did not contain popcorn. Spencer's long absence was justified by the fact that he had been busy filling the bowl with chicken nuggets, pizza rolls, and french fries. Nobody ever bothered to tell Spencer that french fries do not fare well in the microwave, but the limp sticks of potato tasted pretty much the same, especially after a swim in the large bowl of ketchup that Spencer was so kind as to provide.

Mallrats happened to be the next movie endeavor and sometime toward the beginning, Brendon let go of Ryan's hand and he leaned sideways with his upper body pressed awkwardly against Ryan's arm and shoulder. He supported himself with his elbow after he stuck his arm behind Ryan's back and his hand was conveniently resting on Ryan's side. He didn't bother lifting Ryan's shirt and he just kept his hand in place, comfortable just knowing that Ryan was with him and he wasn't going anywhere.

Ellen thought she was being crafty when she tried to wake Ryan up, but his eyes opened automatically with no struggle. He had not slept at all in the half hour his eyes had been closed with his head laying against Brendon's. He was just thinking, which was something he had been doing a lot of during the week, and his thoughts were finally starting to become clear. Brendon was another story, however, since Ryan needed to kick Spencer and Ellen off the bed in order to straighten himself out enough to move Brendon and gently wake him up. The warmth and safety of Ryan and his two friends had simply been too much for him to be able to avoid the chance to not fall asleep alone.

Spencer pulled out his token tuxedo print t-shirt and put it on over what he was already wearing. He gave Ryan and Brendon two thumbs up and Brendon laughed quietly in his still groggy state. Ryan steadied him enough to let him sit up on his own.

"Alright, Bren, we need to see how those pants fit you."

"Sure."

Ryan moved to his closet, humming loudly to himself, and eventually surfaced with four articles of clothing and handing Brendon a pair of pants. Brendon grabbed his red shirt and glanced around the room before deciding that it was best to step into the bathroom to change.

"Shit, it's close to nine."

"Hey Ellen, your boyfriend can read numbers now." Ryan provided this information to Ellen as a new fact accompanied by a proud smile.

"No, dude, we took so long eating and watching this crap that we forgot about your dad."

"Well he's obviously not home." Ryan signaled toward the hallway that was completely dark except the light that shot out from under the bathroom door. "He's out with some guys again, I know it. We need to be out of here by about eleven because he's going to come home and I really don't want to have to mess with it."

"I'm sorry, Kid."

"Not your fault." Ryan was saved from an upsetting conversation as soon as Brendon shuffled back in the room, one arm crossing his stomach and providing support for his other elbow as his fingers pulled at his bottom lip.

"Kinda long but I like them."

"I'm taller so I expected that." Ryan leaned down and messed with the fabric that was slightly draped over Brendon's shoes, touching the ground at the heel. "You look amazing."

A small awkward silence ensued with Ellen grinning at them until Brendon decided to end it. "So do you."

Damn blushing. "I'm wearing what I've had on all day."

"Yeah."

Ryan occupied himself by grabbing a jacket and helping Brendon put it on, buttoning it for him and smiling silently. "There. And now that you're dressed, go take it all off so it doesn't get wrinkled."

"Can I borrow something to sleep in?"

"You really didn't come very prepared, didja?"

"I don't care. Your clothes fit me."

Ellen pressed her head against the wall and tried to look annoyed. "You two are killing me!"

"What?"

"Never mind, Ryface. I'm keeping my mouth shut."

Brendon couldn't let himself forget the fact that he was officially out of his house until Sunday evening. That in itself was cause for celebration, but every time he looked at Ryan while Ryan was poking at his hair and face in the mirror, Brendon found himself not caring where he was at all. He was not aware, but he felt the same way in Ryan's bedroom that Ryan felt in his. He didn't like knowing that this place was one of the few places his friend could go, and he didn't like knowing what Ryan had done to himself and what had been done to him in this room. This still didn't keep Brendon from feeling safer than ever before with the three most important people in the world all making random, casual conversation in front of him. He was good at sitting back and observing; people watching; although there was only one person he really felt like paying much attention to. Ryan was the one person that made him feel this alive.

Brendon laid on Ryan's bed in another one of Ryan's random shirts, long sleeves for whenever Ryan's father returned home, and another old pair of gym shorts. It was nearing ten o'clock when Spencer's phone rang and he sarcastically mocked his mother before answering the phone and greeting her pleasantly. Ellen pressed her ear against the back of the handset to eavesdrop and Ryan decided that he needed to discuss something with Brendon over the task of getting sodas from the kitchen.

"I talked to my dad this morning."

"That's good."

"He's looking forward to meeting my date for the dance."

"Oh wonderful, how are you working around this one?"

"Well, I offered to let him... meet my date, so..."

"You're kidding."

"No, actually, I just wanted to let you know."

"Oh my God, Ryan." Brendon was a little angrier that Ryan had ever hoped.

"Why? What... I don't know what..."

"Ryan he's going to fucking... oh my God. I don't believe this." Brendon held two cold cans of soda against his face to avoid picking at his arms.

"I asked him something this morning and it made me think he's not going to mind."

"How?"

"I asked if he would ever hate me for anything."

Brendon was silent.

"He flat out said that there is nothing I could do that he would hate me for. I asked if he was sure. He said I could become him and he would still love me, Bren."

Brendon didn't feel like commending anyone because he wasn't up for insulting anyone's parents. "You know him more than I do."

"I do, and... trust me, please? I wanted to bring you out here to tell you this so I could let you know how fucking excited I am for everything... just... about everything, Brendon, I wanna just tell him and then go commit arterial suicide at McDonald's before we get to the school, and... fuck, this is going to be the best weekend of our lives, Brendon."

Any anger and uncertainty that Brendon had been feeling was nowhere to be found. He sat the sodas down on the counter and leaned against Ryan, gripping his friend's hand. "This still makes me feel so goddamn safe."

"I'm glad it does because you are."

"I know. And it's nice to know, finally."

"I have the best friends in the world."

"No, I'm pretty sure I do." Brendon let go of Ryan and grabbed the two cans again.

"Let's end this before you beat me again. We have the best friends in the world."

"Spencer and Ellen are pretty great, you're right."

Ryan wondered if he should just go ahead and paint his face red and he ducked behind Brendon in order to make it back to his bedroom without doing or saying things that he wanted to but knew he would regret.

"Oh we'll definitely be here..." Spencer exhaled and looked at the clock. "Probably leave around eleven or so... yeah we're staying here for a while... no... no, Mom if it makes you feel better we'll just come over to the house for a while and I'll bring Ryan back here later... no, Mom... okay well we'll probably just go eat something somewhere and I'll be home after that... yeah, love you too. Get some sleep..... yeah, Mom, we are definitely at Ryan's... love you too. Bye." Spencer ended the call and pretended to throw his phone across the room. "My GOD that woman is never so worried about where I am. Holy crap."

Brendon handed him a can of soda. "I'm surprised mine hasn't called. Shit, I do have it on..." He bent over his jeans that were piled next to Ryan's bed and he peaked at his phone. "Yeah. She hasn't called. Crazy. Anyway, yeah... thanks for letting me come with you guys this weekend."

"Why wouldn't we let you come with us? I would probably smack Ryan if he said Ellen couldn't come." Spencer paused and slowly turned his head toward his girlfriend, examining her. "Well, maybe I wouldn't mind."

Brendon laughed and Ellen smacked Spencer's leg and gratefully accepted a sloppy kiss on the cheek from him. Ryan, however, was finally starting to catch on to the comparisons Spencer had been making all week.

"No, I'm just glad to have some friends, really. I'm sick of being pissed off all the time and you guys are just too self deprecating to not make me laugh."

Spencer blew on his fingernails and rubbed them across his shirt. "I do my best."

"Goddammit." Ryan signaled for everyone to quiet down by laying his hand on Brendon's shoulder and craning his head toward the doorway. It was a little too early on a night like this for Ryan to be hearing these sounds. "Get your shit together, he's home. Just stay here and I'll handle whatever it is and then we'll go for a bit." He squeezed Brendon's shoulder without giving his friends a second glance.

The light in the living room flickered on before Ryan was barely out of his room and he pulled his door shut behind him. He trusted Spencer and Ellen to keep Brendon company. He inhaled and prepared himself to help his father to bed, something that would usually be an easy, albeit uncommon task in most households, but Ryan never knew what to expect. Halfway down the hallway his eyes were drawn to the lonely couch in the living room as he suddenly saw Spencer's mother lower herself down into the center of it. He didn't have time to process this information before his own mother rounded the corner, stopping quickly in front of him, not expecting her son to be out of his room. It had not been long since Ryan had seen his mother and while she was definitely not a stranger, he was totally taken by surprise.

"Mom... hi..."

"My Ryan." Her voice drew his attention to the fact that she was totally exhausted and she wrapped her arms around the tall boy's head and pulled it against her shoulder.

"Nice to... why... why are you here?" Ryan heard his bedroom door creak open behind him and his mother started to shake slightly.

"There's something I need to talk to you about."

Ryan couldn't say he didn't know what was coming as she pushed him into his bedroom, totally ignoring the three other people that quickly gathered on the opposite side of the room. Ryan didn't notice them much, either.

They sat on the corner of Ryan's bed and Ryan kept his hand on the back of his mother's head, just as she was doing to him, while he searched her face for words that he wanted to hear. He didn't find any.

She closed her eyes at about the time the tears started coming and Ryan fell forward against her chest. "No."

"Yes, Baby."

"No."

"I'm sorry." She wasn't crying loudly, but it was strong.

"FUCK!" Ryan almost didn't care about the noise Brendon made in reaction to the volume of his voice. It was at this point that Ryan was afraid he was done caring about anything.

He realized he cried like his mother in times like this. Quietly, the only time he could ever cry so quietly, and with enough force behind it to crumble a thousand walls and make his face feel full with intolerable pressure. He felt like a little child falling against his mother and hoping she could fix everything, just like mothers were supposed to do. She pressed his head into her chest and her head into her son's shoulder and showed him that this was one time that a mother could only do so much. Those walls that were dissolving under the force of his tears were the walls that had been built to house everything good that Ryan had managed to bring into his life. Ryan suddenly felt stupid for ever letting himself believe that good things could last.

"Mom..."

"Baby."

"No."

"Yes, Baby."

"How... how did this fucking... how, Mom..." Ryan couldn't stop his fingers from digging into her neck and she didn't feel like making him stop.

"Baby... it was a car, sweetie... my Ryan, oh God..." She shook her head against her son's shoulder and pressed her hand against his head again, bringing it further into her chest.

Ryan may have been blocking it out but he could still hear noise from his friends, Spencer's mother in the doorway as she tried to get them to step out, their protests as they refused to leave his bedroom. He heard it all, but he was too busy trying to remember how to make himself feel worthless again. When he felt worthless, he had reasons for bad things, but the boy standing in the corner of his room was the only thing keeping him from total self hatred.

"Mom... no... when..."

"A while, Sweetie..."

"Fucking tell me."

"He was... the parking lot, Baby, he was leaving at five..."

"This isn't how this happens."

"Sweetie..."

"You're fucking wrong."

"Baby, his car... Honey, it happened so fast."

"No."

"I'm so sorry."

Ryan could recognize Ellen's crying from somewhere down near the floor, even though it was quieted by some part of Spencer's chest. His thoughts immediately went to Brendon but his body prohibited him from doing anything about it. He had never felt more alone than he did there in his mother's arms. Ryan didn't like change. He didn't like this.

He didn't know how long it was before his mother calmed down and Ryan himself had become silent. Spencer's mother entered the picture again, this time guiding her friend slowly by the shoulders and motioning for her son or someone who was near him to tend to Ryan. She knew how important his friends were to him and she silently pulled the door shut as she left. Ryan could hear his mother crying again and part of him wanted to go be the man that he had, in less than one night, been forced into becoming but he barely had the energy that he used to push himself over enough to lay down on the bed.

Ryan laid alone for far longer than he should have. He was motionless and Brendon looked at Spencer, waiting for Ryan's long time friend to do something, but Spencer was too far gone to really function. He was against the wall on the floor with Ellen tied in his limbs and Brendon wasn't sure if Ryan was much worse off than they were, but Brendon knew that those three were like family. He knew he was the odd man out, without any sort of history to go on or enough experience to really feel any emotion other than a reaction to what was happening to Ryan.

That being said, Brendon was destroyed.

It became clear that neither Spencer nor Ellen were in any shape to do anything other than stay exactly where they were. Tears were blurring Brendon's eyes enough to impair his vision but not so much that he couldn't make it to the bed. Ryan laid facing the wall with his eyes closed and he was limp when Brendon laid down in front of him with his back almost flush with the cold wall. He forced his arm underneath Ryan's neck to support his head and he concentrated on establishing contact between as much of their bodies as possible. He had to speak and he did not know what to say, but it was a fear he had to get over quickly because something else just mattered a lot more than his own inadequacies.

"Look." Brendon adjusted Ryan's head and pressed their noses together, a point of contact that had been overlooked until just then. "Look at me Ryan."

Ryan wouldn't have opened his eyes had he not known exactly what he was opening them to. "It's not real. We need to sleep."

"I love you."

Ryan closed his eyes again. "I know." He gave his most honest answer. It may have been the only thing Ryan knew right then, but it was all he wanted to know.

Ryan didn't open his eyes again for the rest of the night. Brendon's body was pushed almost painfully against his own and he didn't mind. He finally knew what Brendon had felt all those times when all he wanted was his hand. He knew what it was like to want to feel someone there. Before he fell asleep, Ryan convinced himself that he was already dreaming. He was already used to the nightmares, used to not being able to move, used to anger and fear and pain and used to finally being able to fall asleep after it was all over.

His mind kept wandering to the boy who held him. He still didn't know how arms so mangled could be so safe, but sure enough, no pain was able to seep through their holes and get to Ryan. The room smelled like Spencer, Brendon smelled like himself, and Ryan realized that until this point, he had never truly felt empty. The arms around him proved him wrong but he knew, deep down, he knew that everything was different even though he had convinced himself that his dreams were eating him alive again.

Brendon abandoned Ryan's back in order to do what he realized he should have done in the first place. He pulled Ryan's finger away from his mouth and he pressed their palms together before Ryan initiated a strong grip that never really eased up.

Around this time, Spencer's mother entered the room and thought nothing of the scene on the bed. It had every excuse in the world. Ryan didn't hear her approach her son and vaguely explain that they would be back in the morning and that he was to not let Ryan be alone. Ryan didn't hear her say that the adults would handle everything, herself specifically, and they could talk in the morning. Ryan didn't hear Spencer's mother taking charge of the situation and taking care of her friend and her friend's family. All Ryan could hear was the sound of Brendon's voice swimming around his ear.

"I can't show you how to disappear. I'll take you with me if I find a way."

Ryan counted on the truth he heard in what Brendon said and he took it as a promise. He imagined pure white before he fell asleep. White was the color of purity and freedom and white was the color of the walls in the kitchen where Ryan was determined to go when he woke up to spend one last morning in his father's arms.

Brendon's hand was the most tangible thing Ryan had. He made sure it was pressed against his lips until he simply couldn't feel anything anymore. The white eventually faded, and the darkness brought with it a few hours of calm. Sleep was far too blank to allow Ryan to feel anything.