"Hey you." Ryan's adrenaline rush ended and he was able to relax after several agonizing minutes of waiting.

"Hey, what's goin' on?"

"Are you alright?"

"I'll be fine."

"Well what took you so long to call? I was afraid to call you and it took you like ten minutes or something."

"Don't be afraid to call me, you know I like talking to you."

"Well I didn't know what you were doing."

"Don't worry about it. I'm sorry I took so long. You're funny, you know that?"

"No I'm not. Just tell me what you were doing." Ryan was getting aggravated with his paranoia and inability to accept that bad things are not always inevitable.

"I'll tell you what. Are you in your room now?"

"Yeah."

"Could you look out the window real quick?"

"I guess. Hold on." Ryan pushed himself up to position his face in front of the window and his eyes were drawn to a figure coming down the sidewalk.

"Well hello there. Care to come let me in?" Brendon's innocent smile adorned his face and he gave Ryan a small wave with his fingers peeking out from the sleeve of his jacket.

Ryan was not in control of the small laugh that escaped his throat. "What are you doing? I'll be right out, just hold on."

"I wanted to see you. Come let me in."

Ryan saw Brendon take his phone away from his ear and shove it into his pocket before he started running toward the house. Ryan quickly made it to the front door with his heart beating almost loud enough to wake his father. As he pulled it open, Brendon fell forward after leaning his body against the door with his hands. He draped the Blink 182 shirt over Ryan's shoulder and he didn't mind the fact that his hand brushed against Ryan's hair in the process.

"Just be quiet, my dad's asleep. Come on, my room." Ryan didn't speak again until the two of them were securely locked inside his bedroom.

Brendon unzipped his jacket and paused without removing it completely. "Do you mind if I take this off?"

"Why would I mind?"

"I try to keep everything covered, and I always do but I don't know now."

"Hey, you should know better." Ryan grabbed the hood of Brendon's sweater and slid it off of him, letting it fall to the ground. "Don't worry about it. You know I don't mind."

"I just know it's not pretty to look at or anything."

"I don't care about how it looks." Ryan did care. He cared that none of the marks on Brendon's arms looked to be less than a day or two old, and he was instantly relieved after so many minutes of worrying. "I just care about it not happening anymore, alright?"

"I know, that's kind of why I wanted to come here. I didn't wanna disappoint you."

Ryan was surprised by just how much his opinion really mattered to his friend, and he started to think like Spencer again. He put his arms around Brendon's neck and to his surprise, he wasn't afraid. He wasn't uncomfortable when Brendon's arms rested against his back with his hands settling up near his shoulders. Brendon only seemed to try to pull him closer. "I'm glad you talked to me."

"You're going to fucking save me, you know that?"

If Brendon's mouth weren't so close to Ryan's ear, he would not have been able to hear him. All Ryan could do was nod. Even if he wasn't sure that he could save the boy, he knew he would at least die trying. "We'll talk like that without a computer some day."

"I hope I can."

"Come on, it's me, yes you can."

"God, I don't see why you care about me so much." Brendon moved away from Ryan and crossed his arms, pretending to look out the window and trying to rid his mind of the regret that was creeping up on him after sliding out of Ryan's hug.

"I just do. Let me see you." Ryan turned his friend around and lowered his hand to Brendon's right wrist. His fingers came into gentle contact with a patch of unmarked skin on the boy's arm, and Ryan forced a smile. "It looks like it's healing."

Confusion and discomfort built in Brendon's face and it turned into a simple shrug of the shoulders. The one thing Ryan wanted to fix the most happened to be the one thing that Brendon hoped he would just forget about.

"Your arms will look better someday if you'll just give them a break for once."

"It's always gonna make me look bad."

"No, I don't even think it makes you look bad now, but I hope you can wear shirts like this someday because you look really nice."

"I'll just wear them for you, then. Nobody else needs to see me."

Ryan moved both of his hands to adequately hold one of Brendon's between his own. "I don't want you to talk like that. I think everyone needs to see you, really. They're really missing out." Brendon was silent as he let himself show a small smile, and Ryan felt accomplished enough to change the subject. "Did you not wanna keep the Blink shirt?"

Ryan was about to let go of Brendon's hand, but he changed his plans as soon as Brendon adjusted his fingers to get a more comfortable grip, and Ryan decided to just tell himself that it was okay to stand in the middle of his bedroom holding his friend's hand. Judging by the look on Brendon's face, it was completely okay.

"I can't keep something with value like that. I don't want to be responsible for it. But thank you."

"Well do you still think I smell good?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, that's strange because I really need a shower."

Brendon laughed quietly and took his hand back to be able to push his hair behind his ear. He was so caught up in the moment that he seemed to forget that his hair was not quite long enough to require such actions.

"How about you just take this one? It doesn't have sleeves but you know that doesn't bother me." Ryan quickly lifted his shirt over his head and held it out to Brendon, who looked at it with a slightly stunned, confused look on his face. "I know it's hideous but isn't it awesome? I love it. With no emotional attachment, of course, so don't feel bad." He tossed the shirt toward Brendon and walked to his closet to look for something else to wear.

Brendon's eyes could have burned holes in Ryan's back. "Wait, take mine then." He removed his shirt and threw it onto the bed, and he was quick to use Ryan's shirt to cover his body. It was still warm from being on Ryan all day. "It's plain, and... not awesome, but whatever."

"It's alright. It's red, and red looks good on you. Not on me, but I'll live." The shirt was slightly looser on Ryan than his own clothing tended to be. It was mainly loose in the sleeves due to being wrapped around Brendon's smoothly toned arms that held much more substance than what Ryan had hanging from his shoulders. It was gently fitted to Ryan's stomach, though, with the cloth lightly drifting across his body, but it was shorter as well and it almost left his stomach exposed. It danced precariously at the edge of the waistband of his jeans, making sure that Ryan knew that the slightest move would reveal some skin.

"You look fine." Smiling, Brendon threw himself down onto the bed with his legs bent upward, and Ryan sat down and rested his arm on Brendon's knee.

"Now how were you able to come over?"

"My mom thinks I wanted to get some exercise, so if anyone asks, I'm taking a walk until eight fifteen."

"You're great, seriously. We need to talk more whenever Seth isn't stealing the computer from you."

"Yeah he's not gonna be on for a while. Mom's pretty pissed at him still so the computer's mine for the time being."

Ryan hid his excitement over the new development and simply nodded. "Want me to put on any music or whatever? You have about twenty minutes before you need to go, I guess."

"Actually do you mind if we just lay here for a while? I don't really feel like listening to much."

"Sure."

"My bike's still here so I can stay a little longer. Won't take as long to get home."

"Good." Ryan had moved his arm away from Brendon's leg and he had started to examine his already damaged fingers due to lack of words to say.

"Would it be too weird if I asked you to lay down?"

"Not at all."

Brendon moved around slightly but he didn't create any more room on the bed for Ryan; he only made it look like he was making an attempt. His hands were behind his head and he didn't leave Ryan much of a choice as to what to do. "I'm sorry I got like that when we were talking. It just happens sometimes."

Ryan laid on his side and rested his head on Brendon's arm, close to his elbow. "Why did it happen this time? You scared me, you know."

"I don't know. Sometimes I do, but I don't know this time. I was just thinking too much."

"That's good to do sometimes, though."

"Not when you're alone like I was. That's when shit starts to suck."

"You weren't alone, though. I was there the whole time."

"I know, but not like this."

"Like what?"

Brendon didn't want to have to talk. He used his free hand to grab Ryan's thumb and he draped his friend's arm across his chest before he casually returned his own hand to its original position under his head. He knew it was a little forceful, but he wanted to give that 'honesty' thing a valid chance.

"Oh. Yeah, I guess it's different like this."

"I want this all the time. I'm sick of not having friends."

"I want you to have it all the time, trust me. But I can only do so much sometimes."

Brendon closed his eyes and rolled his head sideways a little, ending up with his head against Ryan's and his chest feeling warm inside. "I know, I'm sorry."

"Why would you be sorry?"

"I'm just being stupid."

"Not at all, Bren." Ryan brought his arm a little closer to his own body in order to pull Brendon closer to him. "You're just human. I said before, things like this happen, and I'll be here when they do."

"I liked talking earlier."

"So did I."

"Even if I can't say that stuff now, I still meant it. Everything good and bad, I don't know, I don't care, but I was being honest."

"I'm glad. You know you said some things, and I wouldn't be too happy if you lied about them."

"I'm never going to lie to you. Even when I lie to myself." Brendon knew that this fact meant that he would be saying and doing things and then trying to contradict them in his head, but he had to take the chance.

"I wish you had more respect for yourself than that. I have so much for you."

"I haven't been hating myself as much recently."

"That's wonderful, though, really. When do you, though?"

"I don't know. A lot still. Just not as much. Not right now."

"You don't feel like that right now?"

"Not at all."

"I must be doing something right, then."

Brendon nodded and his hair was soft against Ryan's skin. "What did Spencer do for you? I mean, just, to keep you going or whatever, like you say."

"I'm just doing what he did, really. It helped me and it's all I know how to do. Him and El would just listen to me and we would talk and just lay around, and it helped so much."

"You guys did this?"

"What, exactly?"

"Just laying like this or whatever."

"Oh, yeah. Quite a bit."

"So it's okay for us to do this now?"

"It's more than okay."

Brendon brought his hand out again, this time to rub some life back into his eye. "I just don't want you to think I'm weird for liking it or anything."

"No. I don't think that." Ryan caught Brendon's hand before he could put it back under his head. He brought it down and laced their fingers together and he gently pressed his arm down while it remained across Brendon's chest, because it was the closest thing to a hug he could get at that moment. "I like it too, it's fine. Whatever helps, you know?"

"I'm so tired."

"Too much fighting with what's going on in your head, I suppose."

"I think you know me too well."

"Maybe, but I also know what it's like. You can't fall asleep though. You have to leave soon."

"I want to just stay here again."

"I want that too. But I'll go to your place tomorrow, and then Friday we can all hang out, and Saturday will be amazing."

"Do you think I can stay here this weekend? I'm thinking I might be able to convince my mom. If your dad doesn't care, I can stay Friday and Saturday and not have to go back home at all."

Ryan's eyes widened and he was glad that Brendon couldn't see him. "I would love that. My dad probably wouldn't even notice, but it's fine anyway. Me and him are going fishing Sunday, though, but we will work around it when the time comes."

"That's like two days of not being lonely. Three if you count Sunday. That's gotta be a record for me."

"Well I'm glad you won't be alone."

"You won't be alone either."

"I wish Spencer would have told me about you instead of just telling you about me. Not that I mind, I just really wish I knew you sooner."

"Ry can I tell you something?"

"Anything."

"I like this so much."

Ryan squeezed Brendon's hand and ran his thumb up and down the side of Brendon's finger. "I like it too."

Neither Ryan nor Brendon knew exactly what they were hearing when Ryan's phone started to beep. Ryan made the connection sooner and he grabbed for it, leaning over and inadvertently pressing his chest into Brendon's face. Spencer's message had woke them up before they could even realize they had fallen asleep while laying safely tangled together.

From: Spence

Message: yr not online. you ok?

"Bren, hey, you awake?"

Brendon tried to wipe his eyes but he decided to stop and simply turn over and lay his head on Ryan's shoulder, close to laying it on his chest completely. "Kinda. Just let me sleep."

His voice told Ryan that he was barely conscious, and knowing the feeling, Ryan honestly did not want to wake him up and make him feel again. He let his head roll down very slightly to lay his cheek on top of Brendon's head. "When were you supposed to be home?"

"Eight... fifteen, yeah."

"That's what time it is now, Bren. You better go."

"Fuck."

"It's okay, you can call me tonight, I'll be here."

"No, I can't go back if I'm already late." Brendon put his hand in front of his face and gently dug it into Ryan's chest, gathering a fistful of cloth in his hand, gripping his shirt that was being worn by Ryan's body.

"You need to go. You don't want to ruin tomorrow or this weekend." Ryan forced his arm underneath Brendon and wrapped it around him, resting his hand on Brendon's upper arm and gently squeezing as he used his arm to pull Brendon against his own side. "Get on your bike and go home and we can talk later, alright?"

"I don't want to leave this to go back there. The phone isn't this good."

"I know. I know I'm not helping things, sorry. Here." Ryan pried himself off of Brendon and he sat up. "Stretch a bit so you don't die on the way home." He slid to the end of the bed to give Brendon some room to move and he started messing with his phone.

"Why won't you just let me stay here?"

"Bren, please don't make this hard. You know I want you to be here, but you know that can't happen. The longer you stay here the later you'll be, seriously. You need to go."

To: Spence

Message: yes. im good. email in a sec.

Brendon stood up and slipped his jacket on, zipping it up over the shirt that would be unfamiliar to his parents if they were to see it. "You don't mind if I call you? I probably won't be able to get back on the computer."

"Oh I want you to call me. We can talk all night if you want. I feel awful forcing you to leave like this but you should have been home about two minutes ago." Ryan walked to the bedroom door and opened it before taking Brendon's hand and leading him to the front door in silence.

"I'll call you as soon as I can, okay?"

"I'll be waiting."

Brendon wrapped his arms around Ryan's waist and allowed his face to land on Ryan's shoulder where he stood still momentarily, feeling one of Ryan's hands on his back and the other hand wrapped gently around the back of his neck. "Ry, what does all this mean?"

The skin of Brendon's neck was warm and soft against Ryan's hand and his nose was almost lost in Brendon's hair. "What does what mean?"

"I don't know. Us, I don't know, all this. What does it mean?"

"It means everything."

"I think so too." Brendon squeezed Ryan as forcefully as he could with his sore arms and he pulled away, stepping out the door. "I promise I'll call as soon as I can."

"Don't worry, I'll be here."

"I... yeah, I'll see you later."

"Yeah. Bye."

Ryan leaned against the door frame as he watched Brendon grab his bike and speed off. He reluctantly shut the door, pushing back the urge to run after Brendon, and he headed toward his room. His father's bedroom door was cracked open, pushed shut but not latched, and Ryan made his way inside without making any sound. He listened for his father's breathing and the light snore assured him that the man who lay before him was still okay, fast asleep. He adjusted the blanket and leaned down to drape his arm around his father's upper body. It was a gentle hug that didn't make the man wake up or even move, and Ryan was satisfied.

"Thanks for dinner. Love you, Dad."

Ryan pulled the door shut on his way out and he was grateful for a pleasant evening, although he wished he hadn't had to retreat to his bedroom after the food was gone. This avoidance, however, had made the evening possible, and Ryan was just glad to have had everything stay calm. He didn't want to create any more bad memories.

He was a little uneasy with his growing dependence on Spencer and Ellen, almost afraid of reverting to how he used to be, but Ryan knew that what he really needed was their help and advice instead of needing them to keep him alive. He was afraid to handle Brendon alone and even though the boy made him feel differently about life, he was incredibly happy. Happy but lost, he felt, and Ryan was trying desperately to find a way to tell his friends that he needed to be pulled along a little bit, but he did not want to make it obvious that he was begging for help. Ryan knew how he felt about Brendon, even if he didn't have a name for it.

To: "Spence" <[email protected]>, "Ellen" <[email protected]>

Subject: hi

Attached: helpmeee.doc

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--Spence: sorry I'm not online right now. I need to write this and get a shower and go to sleep. I don't feel like being up all night, but I'm fine, trust me. Dad is still asleep and nothing happened.

--El: hmmm. Hi? Eh I just though I'd send this to you too since I have talked to you and all. You have just as much right to be bothered by my confused ramblings <3

But yeah. I'll keep this quick. You guys can read what I attached while I pretend that I did not save the conversation that Bren and I had earlier tonight, because that's kinda creepy and I choose to ignore the fact that I did it. Sound good? Okay.

I'm sorry if I'm all weird on you guys all of a sudden. I don't know what's going on with me. I'm fine, though, and in a way, I don't think I have ever been this happy... but at the same time, I don't know what to think and I don't think I have ever been so damn empty. I mean, not empty in a terribly bad sense, just... unsure, you know? I'm so afraid that whatever I say is going to be read the wrong way and you guys will be worried, so I REALLY hope you trust me when I say I am honestly okay and even if I am coming to you guys for help, it's not bad this time around, like it used to be. I'm not unhappy, and I don't want to scare you guys.

I don't know how long you have known Bren because I don't think it was ever an issue, but I'm guessing you've known him for a while. Me and him have talked a lot (well, you already know this, you guys aren't stupid), and he has said that you guys told him about a lot of stuff that was going on back when all the shit was happening to me. I'm fine with this, just like he's okay with me telling you guys what we talk about or whatever. But what I want to know is why you guys never really told me about him. I mean I know you probably had no reason to really even consider it, but I'm just wondering why we never talked about him or whatever. I don't know, maybe it's not as important as I think it is. It's just that I think he is... I don't know, I think he's worth knowing, I guess, and I wish I would have known him sooner.

I should probably quit rambling since I don't really know what I want to say. I guess I don't know much of anything as of recently. Bren is so unhappy most of the time and as soon as I think I might have him figured out, he goes and says how he is happy with me and how he 'doesn't hate himself' when we are together, and then I am just totally lost again. I want to make him happy and he says I do... I think I kind of know how you guys used to feel, and I'm sorry. This shit is harder than I thought but there's nothing I want more right now than to make him better, so I'm just doing what you guys always did, and it's safe to say that it's been a while since I have held someone's hand so much (and I really want someone to tell me that there's nothing wrong with this. Please?)

So, about shutting up. Yeah. Sorry. I just wanted to try to get a reason for why I have been strange since Monday. To be honest, I was fascinated by the kid before I even knew who he was because I saw him at his locker, and since he came into homeroom late that morning and Miss Davis didn't say his name out loud after he talked to her at her desk, I didn't even know who he was. And El, I probably shouldn't have lied to you about him in art class that day, but I was terrified about not being able to stop thinking about him, and hey, you saw right through me anyways. I guess that's the one bad thing about you guys: you have me more figured out than *I* do. I guess I'm just hoping that you guys can help me with this one, because I do know how I feel... I just don't what to think of it.

Basically, I'm terrified. I know he needs me and I just want to be good enough, and still there is part of me that thinks that this is all too strange. But if it feels so right, how can it be bad? Do I have anything to worry about, or is this really all okay?

I don't know about you, Ellen, but I think Spencer has been trying to drag something out of me and he is just too nice to say it (and thank you for that), so I think you will be happy to hear me finally say that I have a date for the dance this Saturday and I have never been this happy.

I have also never been this scared. All I am going to keep doing is what feels right, because I guess that's all I can do for now. I just need you guys to tell me I'm okay, I guess. I don't want to ruin this. And if you know what 'this' is, be sure to let me know, because I don't know much of anything anymore.

So you know, Brendon just left my house. His parents thought he was going on a walk and he came to see me instead. We laid in bed, slept for maybe 15 minutes (sleep was an accident, though), and before he left? I held him. I fucking held him. Am I wrong for feeling so good about this?

Just read what him and I talked about, I guess. Let me know what you think.

Someone tell Ryan he's not crazy.

In reality, it probably wasn't very long from the time Ryan sent the email and shut his computer to the time that his phone rang, but it was a painful eternity that he spent not being able to tear his mind away from one specific boy.

"I missed you."

"It hasn't been that long since I left."

"I know, but it seems like it. I'm not allowed to miss you?"

"You are."

Ryan was slightly hurt by the mild anger that was apparent in Brendon's tone. "Okay."

"I told you I didn't want to go home." Brendon's voice had sunk to a whisper.

"I'm sorry. I wanted to keep you here with me again tonight, you know that."

"You should have."

"What's wrong?"

"My dad's pissed."

Ryan's heart sank. "What happened?"

"He got pissed because I was five fucking minutes late."

"I'm sorry, Bren."

"Five fucking minutes and I tried to tell him that it was because I walked too far and it took me longer to get back than I planned, and he was still being a fucking dick."

Ryan couldn't think of anything to say because he knew that arms and hands were the only thing that could really fix Brendon. "I'm sorry."

"My mom didn't even fucking care. She just told him that five minutes wasn't a big deal and it was good that I was moving around instead of watching television all night but he didn't fucking care."

"What did he do?"

"Son of a bitch yelled at me for about ten minutes until my mom said something about taking shit out on me when it's his boss that deserves to be shot, and not me."

"Dad hates his job, then?"

"I guess. He doesn't talk much about it, I don't care."

Ryan could hear Brendon's breathing become louder and he was familiar with what was starting to happen to his friend. "It's okay."

"No it's not."

"I'm here."

"The phone isn't fucking good enough."

Helpless. Ryan hated the feeling. "But it's the best we've got right now. You have my voice."

"Just keep talking."

"I want you to talk with me. Tell me what's going on."

"Well, I'm staring at my lighter and I'm wanting to skip over the cigarettes completely and just fucking do it."

"No, Bren." Ryan pressed his head hard against the wall and clenched his teeth to keep from screaming.

"I want the skin to be fucking black."

"Brendon please stop saying this."

"That's how much he yelled. He fucking hates me and I fucking hate this. If I hold it to my skin long enough, it will stop hurting because it'll kill the nerves."

"Brendon." Ryan was unable to hide the fact that he was forcing back tears.

"No, it's true. I can kill them like he's killing me and maybe I will stop feeling things just like my arm would. Do you think I have the self control to hold it there long enough?"

"Brendon fucking stop this!"

"Don't you have any faith in me? I think I can do it, even if you don't think so."

"BRENDON!" Ryan could hardly choke out any words between his now very audible sobs. "You'll fucking kill me if you do this!"

"It won't hurt you. It won't touch you at all." Brendon's voice contained mostly guilt laced with a hint of pride that was failing miserably at trying to continue the argument.

"It doesn't have to fucking touch me, Brendon. Just think of why you do this in the first place. They don't touch you, but they hurt you. Your dad didn't touch you, did he?"

Quiet, wet breathing was all Ryan could hear. He knew Brendon was crying, but he had things he had to say.

"I want you to fucking answer me, Brendon. Did he touch you?" He was careful to keep his voice quiet.

"No."

"Did he hurt you, though?"

"Yes."

"See? He didn't have to touch you to hurt you. It was what he did and said, just like hearing you say this stuff is completely destroying me, and if you actually did it, you might as well be doing it to me to. Do you want me to do it with you?"

"I don't want you to hurt yourself."

"Okay. Well, if you do this, just know that I know where I can find a razor. I don't want to, but if you go through with these threats, I will."

"Ryan you are too fucking beautiful to ever do that again. You were too beautiful in the first place. It doesn't matter with me, though."

Ryan wasn't sure if he could think enough to be able to speak. "That couldn't be farther from the truth, Baby. You are beautiful and you know this. I can't make you stop doing what makes you happy because I know I can't make you feel how you should feel, at least not right now while I'm not with you, but I can sit here and tell you how much you will hurt me if you do this. I'm not going to lie. I don't want you to do it, and while I cannot control you, I want you to know that you matter to me so much that if you do this, you might as well be pushing me through a window. I know you aren't happy right now and I want you to let me help you because I don't want to see you like this anymore." He took a deep breath and controlled the exhale in order to relax himself as much as he could. He brought the side of his pillow up to his face to wipe his eyes and he knew he had to calm himself down if he wanted to have any effect on his friend.

"I'm sorry." Brendon could barely talk due to needing to devote so much energy to making sure that Ryan was the only person that could hear his crying. Everyone else had to think Brendon was in his room, getting ready for bed.

"Don't be sorry. Just don't do that to yourself."

"I don't want to hurt you. If you leave me, I won't have anything."

"You don't need to worry about that. I don't want to leave you. I'd be pretty unhappy if I did that, because I need you, okay?"

"Uh huh."

"Do you know what I'm saying, though? It would hurt me so much if you did that, and you don't deserve to have to do that to yourself."

"Can I just use a cigarette then?" Brendon's voice was shaky as he whispered and Ryan hated how the boy had to hide everything from everyone.

"How about you just stay on the phone with me?"

"I can try."

"I'll talk to you. And I'll listen, you know that? I want to listen to you and I want to hear you and I want to know what you have to say... I just want to listen, Bren. You need that don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you have it. All I want to do right now is lay with you and make everything go away but all I can do is talk to you and listen, and I'm sorry. It will be better tomorrow. How about I promise to give you a hug as soon as I see you in the morning?"

"I probably won't wanna let go."

"That's okay. Walking could be a little difficult but I'm sure that between the two of us we can figure out a system of stepping in the right places. Sound good?"

Brendon let a small laugh escape through his tears and Ryan's ability to be adorable at all the right times helped to place a comfortable smile on his face.

"Now. Can you tell me exactly what happened with your dad? You know I want to listen to you."

"I know. He was just mad. I guess it wasn't that bad but I don't like hearing him scream at me because he thinks that yelling will make me act better next time."

"Act better?"

"I don't know, he says that. Usually when he says it he digs his fingers into the back of his neck and I imagine him doing it to my neck instead of his. They just think that I'll do whatever they say if they scream at me, even when they aren't entirely mad. Mostly because I do shit just to make them stop yelling, so I guess they do end up winning."

"So he was yelling but you don't think he was very mad?"

"He was. He doesn't do the thing with his neck unless he wants to kill me."

"I doubt he wants to kill you, Bren."

"I'm sure he does. I think I've figured out that my mom doesn't like me so he just wants to get rid of me so she can be happy."

"Brendon, why do you think this?"

"I don't know. I just think I figured it out."

"I think you might be thinking way too far into things. If your mom didn't like you, why would she have said you can have friends over?"

"I don't know. But I don't think my grades are enough for them anymore and they're just getting tired of me being in the way. Maybe that's why she said I can have people over. It would keep me away from her for a while."

Ryan knew that he was not going to be able to convince Brendon to stop making up these stories in his head because he was far too convinced that these were real problems that he could not fix. Ryan was beginning to see more truth to what Seth had said earlier, but he knew it would not be a good idea to tell Brendon to realize that nobody was out to get him. He knew he had to try to play along and be as honest as he could for the time being, until his friend was stable enough to be told that he was the most sensitive person Ryan had ever met. "Well, if you ever think they are sick of you, just keep in mind I can't get enough of you. You're too nice for me to get sick of you like that."

"Even I get sick of me."

"Well, I don't. I'd be with you all the time if I could be. Would you get sick of me?"

"No, not at all."

"Good. You always have someone to go to then, okay?"

"Yeah."

"I still promise we'll fix all this. You'll be happy one day and your parents won't yell at you anymore."

"I don't think that'll happen but I can't keep you from trying."

"Good, because I'm going to keep trying until it happens."

"God, I fucking need you, Ry."

"I need you too, Kid. I mean that."

"I'm so tired but I just wish I could be next to you right now. I never fell asleep next to anyone before last night and it felt so good to not be alone."

"You wouldn't be so worn out all the time if that poor head of yours wasn't always so worried."

"I can't help it."

"I wanna help you with it though, alright? If you could just relax sometimes, you'd be okay. I know emotional exhaustion sucks. For a while, I would wake up in the late afternoon, and I'd be back in bed within an hour because I was so drained. I don't want you to feel like that."

"Ry?"

"Yeah?"

"Come put your arm around me so I can sleep."

"I want to."

"And maybe you wouldn't have any of your dreams."

"That would be nice."

"Did you have any this evening?"

"Not at all."

"Do you think I fixed it?"

"I think it's gonna stop whenever you're with me."

"See? It's just another reason why I should be there."

"You need it more than I do right now. That's why I'm staying on here with you until you fall asleep."

"I can't waste your time like that, Ry. I'll be asleep soon anyway."

"You're the best thing I could ever spend my time on. I don't want you to be alone right now, so I'm not letting you fall asleep alone."

Ryan could hear a click that he assumed was a lamp being turned off and Brendon yawned, causing Ryan to yawn as well. There were some more sounds that remained a mystery until Brendon spoke again. "This blanket is so warm. My parents keep the house so cold in the summer."

"That's okay, just stay under the blanket."

"I can still smell you. I'm never taking this shirt off."

"Does it smell good?"

"Yeah."

"I like how yours smells too. I'll sleep in it and it'll feel like you're right here."

"I wish I was."

"I do too. You shouldn't be alone right now."

"I'm not, really. I'm glad you're staying on here 'til I fall asleep. I can barely keep my eyes open."

"Are you still lonely like you said earlier, Bren?"

"I don't know. Are you lonely at all?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"I really think you could have any girl you want. Just look at yourself. And you're such a great person... I just don't get it."

"I don't know. I don't think I could."

"Do you even want one, though?"

"I don't know, I... I really don't know. Do you want someone?"

"Yeah Ry, I want someone."

"I think you could have any girl you want, as well. They'd probably kill for you."

"I don't really want that."

"Want what?"

"I don't know, never mind."

"Is there anyone you'd like to be with?"

"Yeah."

"Who is it?"

"No, I mean, it's nothing really, I just have an idea. But I'm happy with what I have now, I guess. With you and everything, I don't know," Brendon had to wake himself up a little bit in order to keep track of where his words were leading. "I just don't know how to tell a person that I feel that way about them, you know? I've never done it before and I have no idea how."

"Me either. I think you should just make sure that they know you care about them, you know? If you tell someone you care about them, then they can know that there is something there or whatever. Make sense?"

"Oh. Yeah, it does."

"It makes sense to me. I just don't want you to be lonely anymore."

"I can't wait for the dance. We're going to have so much fun."

"Yeah we are. I still have an idea of what I can give you to wear."

"I'll try it on Friday."

"Friday will be fun. You think you'll really be able to stay here all weekend?"

"I'm pretty sure."

"Good. You should get to sleep now, though. It's a little early I guess but you need the rest."

"I know."

"Alright. I'll stay on here until you stop answering me, and then I'll hang up. Technically, you won't be falling asleep alone."

"Ry?"

"Yeah?"

"You know I care about you, right?"

"Of course. I care about you too. Now just close your eyes and breathe, I know you're tired."

"I just wanted you to know that. Goodnight."

"Night."

It wasn't until Ryan stopped talking that he realized what Brendon had just told him. His heart felt like it stopped and he found himself agreeing even more with Brendon on the fact that the phone was hardly sufficient. He closed his eyes, thinking that Brendon was a little better at this than he let on, but he didn't mind. Ryan knew he had to prepare himself to just accept that he meant something to someone other than Spencer and Ellen, and he knew he had to be ready to admit things.

Several minutes later, Ryan's body twitched from the beginning of sleep and approaching dreams and his hand was still gripping his phone. "Bren?"

There was breathing. Quiet, drawn out breaths that Ryan wished were against his face.

"You asleep?"

Silence.

"God, Brendon. Just... damn. Goodnight, Sweetie."

Ryan ended the call and sat up. He held his phone against his lips as he closed his eyes and let the smell of Brendon's shirt fill his lungs for a moment. He knew it was time to let himself know that there was nothing wrong with letting the scent make him feel as good and safe as Spencer's always did. He knew he had to get used to it.

He shed the shirt for a few minutes in order to take advantage of the shower and let some much needed water cleanse his body of everything he wanted to get rid of. Ryan was no longer able to separate himself from his phone, the phone being Brendon's only permanent, certain method of communication, the only thing he knew Brendon could not get taken away from him. Ryan stopped just short of taking his phone into the shower. He set the water to a cool temperature, not cold but still not capable of producing steam that would seep into the phone as it rested on the bathroom counter. The lukewarm water felt incredible against his skin and he allowed himself to stand lifelessly underneath the stream for several minutes before even looking at the soap.

Brendon's shirt protected Ryan's body once he was back in bed, although he wasn't wearing it. His blanket covered him as he wrapped his arms tightly around the little shirt and inhaled once again. Ryan didn't lie in the email to his friends about his decision to only do what felt right.