"Ryface!"

Ryan looked up from his hands but he continued picking at his fingers. "Hey you."

"How ya doin'?" Ellen sat down next to Ryan and pulled herself up to the table. In the center of the table were several pieces of obviously fake fruit and a couple glass bottles that were arranged in a way that fell just short of not looking boring. "You beat me here this time. It's a race from now on, Boy."

Ryan smiled. "I'm good, actually. What did I miss in here?"

"A whole lot of nothing. Still life crap, I guess. I don't know, I can't draw. Whatcha got there?"

"Nothing." Ryan laid his hand on top of the folded square of paper he had been concentrating on.

"Sure looks like something."

"I haven't looked at it yet."

"Who's it from?"

"Brendon gave it to me a couple minutes ago."

"Why don't you just read it?"

Ryan shrugged and started to unfold the paper. "I will. I just... eh, I don't know, I'm going to."

"Yeah... so, did you do anything interesting last night? I managed to convince Spence to leave you alone. I swear, you should start calling him mom, because that's what he acts like."

Ryan smiled at the mention of his friend's personality, but he wasn't sure of what to say. The last thing he wanted to do was lie to Ellen, but he wanted to lie to her just as much as he wanted to tell the truth. "If I tell you some shit can you promise to not say anything to anyone?"

"Spence?"

Ryan shook his head. "I'll probably tell him myself. At least, I want to, anyway. Just don't say anything, please?"

"You know I wouldn't do that to ya, Ry. But you've pretty much set yourself up to tell me something important."

"I know."

"What's going on, Ry?"

Ryan pressed his cheek into his hand to support his head as he rested his elbow on the table. His eyes were still focused on the folded sheet of paper that he twisted around in his fingers. "Bren actually came over last night."

"Really? How'd that happen?"

"His mom pretty much found out about him skipping yesterday and he said she freaked out or whatever and told him to leave."

"So he went to you." Ellen hid her smile by pretending to dig around her purse for the pencil that she had already located.

Ryan nodded. "After what his brother said on the way to school today, I don't even know what happened or if it was even that bad, but he was just a mess last night regardless of what went on."

"Poor kid... what did you do for him?"

"I don't know, really." Blatant lie, Ross. What the hell are you doing? "We just laid there and listened to music. Talked, whatever, I don't know."

"Oh. What did you listen to?"

"He wanted to listen to Nine Inch Nails. Hurt, specifically, and we kept it on repeat until we woke up. Hell, I don't even know if I remembered to turn it off before we left. He really likes that song."

"Hold on, he stayed at your house?"

Ryan looked at Ellen as if he had insulted her. "I'm sorry."

"Why would you be sorry for that?"

"Sorry—um, no, sorry, I don't know... last night was just probably the strangest night of my life. I... I don't know."

"Wanna tell me why?"

"I don't really know how."

"Ryan, we've known each other since we were what, four or five years old? Just talk to me, already."

"Ellen you really can't say anything to anyone, I'm serious."

"I'm not going to."

"I mean I'm not even sure what to say or how to say it. Fuck, I have no idea... we were so close last night, I mean, hell... he was so upset when he got there and all I did was what you guys would have done for me, but it wasn't weird when you guys did it. He was okay last night because I stayed with him, I don't know..."

"Ry, Spencer told me what you did for Bren in history class."

"Oh, yeah, I told him to tell you, didn't I?"

"Yeah. And about the phone call and the dance and everything."

"Oh."

"I can just guess what happened last night if you don't wanna tell me."

"I don't want you to guess wrong. I just stayed really close to him, that's all. He's just the kind of person who likes to have someone with him when he needs it, I guess."

"You know me and Spence are planning on you guys coming to the dance with us, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Now just read this already." Ellen squeezed Ryan's hand and took the paper square from him, only to hand two sheets of paper back to him in an unfolded state. "I won't read over your shoulder, don't worry."

Ryan scanned the blue ink that was scratched into the paper and he regretted never taking up handwriting analysis. It appeared that Brendon had emptied the contents of his brain onto an unsuspecting sheet of paper, allowing it to land in whatever sloppy pattern it happened to fall into. The front of the page was covered from top to bottom, even the large margin at the top, and everything spilled over onto the back. The page was covered completely and a second page was hidden behind the first.

Ryyy...

First off, I need to say I'm sorry for being a dick this morning. I said some shit to you and it's done nothing but make me pissed at myself all morning. Really, you didn't deserve that, not after what you did for me last night. I'll understand if you hate me for it because I was completely out of line there, and I'm sorry. Still friends? 

I also wanted to let you know how much I appreciate what you did this morning when you made me stop being a little bitch and get on with the day. If you didn't do that, it would have been just like yesterday, I swear. That's why yesterday even happened. I had too much to think about what happened and it just kinda sucked from then on, I guess. I don't know but I'm glad yesterday happened, because with as much as I love and depend on going to the river, I don't think I have ever liked it as much as I did yesterday. I'm glad I told you everything I did because it's like it's not just my secret anymore. I mean I know Ellen + Spencer will probably find everything out just because of how you are with them, and that doesn't really bother me, but I'm glad I can trust you. I'm not quite sure why I'm writing this now, btw. I wanted to say I'm sorry, but know that I have nothing to do in math class, I think I'm just trying to looook busy. But it's fine, it's easier to write things instead of talking since you can get more across without worrying about anything, which is why I could probably send you text messages until my phone explodes. Well, it's easier for me, anways, but I probably sound crazy to you if you have ever read this far. Haha oh well. Sorry, I am really happy that everything that happened, happened. And yeah I know that sounds weird, sorry. I suck at this I swear, I guess I can't really thank anyone very well, I always think that if someone does something and I don't thank them right away and they still don't hate me after I haven't said anything, I'm afraid that if I bring it up again and thank them for it that they'll decide they want nothing to do with me. I know t's stupid and I shouldn't be like this but I can't help it. I will gladly not say something if it means it will keep someone from totally ditching me. But I'm going out on a limb here + doing something I might regret but water. I feel like I can do it right now, and if I put it off anymore I will be too scared to do it. So yeah. I care about you, Ryan. I care about you a lot. You're the only person who has tried to help me without just sitting there and telling me I have nothing to be unhappy about or pointing out everything I am doing wrong to make myself miserable, like Seth was doing this morning. I know things are my fault but I don't need to be reminded of it. I just want to make my parents happy but it's like they don't want me to be or something. I don't know, Seth's probably right and I'm just convinced that the world hates me, but I can't help it if that's what it feels like most of the time. But back to what I was saying before I started complaining again. Sorry. This might not be the place to say it, but since no place is really the place to say this, I'm just taking my chances. Honestly, yeah, I was completely surprised when we woke up this morning. I swear I didn't try to do that on purpose, but I liked it anyway. You can hate me for it if you want but if I think of you as my best friend, I can't lie to you. Before we went to bed last night, I felt like you needed me. Nobody ever needs me, Ryan I'm always desperate for someone but people never need me. I mean I knew you were okay because you're just strong like that, + I guess you're better than me in that sense because you can live with all that shit so well, but dammit Ryan when I saw your face and your eyes I felt like you needed me and when you told me what you have to go through, just to get to sleep, I just wanted to keep it from happening. You're such a good person and you don't deserve any of that, I swear. Now I have to take notes or else I'm going to fail this class miserably. I hope you know what I'm trying to say because really, I care about you. You're the only person who has ever made me feel like this, whatever this is, and you make me so happy. 

I need to slow down when I write. I hope you could read all that. Sorry. 

Do you ever feel like just holding someone's hand, laying by a river, and telling them every little thing about yourself? Because that's all I want to do right now and for the rest of forever, pretty much.

Write back if you still want to talk to me so I know I didn't make you mad. 

-B.

Ryan must have been using a little too much body language because he soon found himself being tugged on by Ellen, with her arm around his shoulders. "You still in there, Boy?"

Ryan managed to nod. "If I let you read this will you promise—"

"Not to tell anyone. Yes, I promise."

"I need it... I need it back, sorry. Hurry."

Ellen cautiously slid the paper from his hands as if she were almost afraid to see what it contained that made her friend detach completely. "Is it good?"

Ryan licked his dry lips and turned to her. "I'd never say this if it wasn't to you. It's probably the best thing that's happened to me in a long time, Ellen."

"Then why do you seem half dead?"

"I haven't felt like this before." Emotion and color started to fill Ryan's face again, and he couldn't control his enormous smile as the thoughts in his head began to make sense. "Oh my God, El... I don't believe this." He resorted to hiding in his jacket with his sleeved hands up to his face, all but hiding his glowing eyes.

Ellen looked up from the paper. "Don't think I don't see that smile, you can't keep that thing from me."

Ryan took a pencil from the center of the table and slid a piece of white paper over to himself to try to look busy. The teacher was busy bothering with other students and she had managed to stay unaware of Ryan and Ellen and Ryan's small victory over his little world, but he wanted to have some sort of alibi if she decided to pay attention. To the best of his ability, Ryan drew a few circles on the paper, and he told himself that they were supposed to somehow resemble the plastic grapes that were in front of him. The pencil slid along aimlessly on the paper until the re-folded note entered his line of vision and he turned to meet Ellen's smile with one of his own.

"You know what, Ry?"

"What?"

Ellen leaned over and gave her friend a hug. "We're all going to have so much fun at that dance, I promise."

"I know we are. Just... I don't know, let me handle this on my own. I mean, I need you... you and Spence, but Bren wrote this for me, so it's only right that I am the one that has to do this."

"Do what, write back to him?"

Ryan nodded. "What, you think I could actually talk? I'm surprised I'm using words right now, honestly."

Ellen smiled. "No, no, writing is perfect. What are you gonna say?"

Ryan didn't have to think about his answer, but he pretended to anyway. "Everything the kid deserves to hear for once, really. I think that's all I can say. Just... what he needs to hear, because he deserves it."

Ellen grinned and playfully pressed her fist against Ryan's thigh. "I bet you're the only one that really knows what he needs to hear, anyway."

"Maybe."

"Don't worry about it. I don't think you could ever mess this up."

"Mess what up?"

Ellen looked up at Ryan like he was starting to go crazy. "Just everything, there's a lot going on here, you know. But you have it, you even said it yourself, remember? You know I read what you post in your journal."

"Oh, yeah, I forget you guys read that."

"I just let everyone else do the commenting. I know you well enough and you just sound so confident now, like you can do this without any help from us."

"No, I need you guys. You think I'm confident, yeah, but it's because of you guys. But I don't even know... I mean, I know what I want to say to him but fucking hell I have no idea what's going on."

"Ryface, you know we're here, but I know you can do this on your own."

"I'm just afraid to."

"Hey. Look at me." Ellen pulled on Ryan's chin to force him to look away from his nervous scribblings. "I'm pretty sure I know how you feel, but—"

"You must know more than I do then because I have no fucking clue."

"Ry, let me finish. He doesn't know how you feel, or how he even feels, probably. This isn't supposed to be the end of the world, here. It's about you and your friend and he is trying to tell you things. You just need to let him know you're listening."

"You have so much more practice at this."

"No I don't, not this situation. I'm gonna be here, but you need to handle this. You just said a second ago that you wanted to do it on your own, anyway. You know you can do this."

"I know... well, I'm gonna try, but I don't know how to say what I want to say."

"Think you can tell me?"

Ryan gave Ellen a desperate look that told her everything she needed to know. She would have been worried due to his extreme insecurity about the subject but she knew how easily he was able to put everyone before himself, and Ellen knew that Ryan would be okay as long as he was able to help Brendon.

Ryan found his head on Ellen's shoulder as she pulled him into a hug. "I think I know. You'll do just fine."

~~~~~~~~~~

Ryan managed to pull himself through his math work with only half of his attention focusing on it. Once the class work was finished, the rest of the lecture involved Ryan taking pen to paper for the first time that he could remember since getting a computer. It was easier to type, but writing by hand was so much easier than the only other alternative that Ryan had available any time soon. He was not about to look Brendon in the eye and speak these words to him. Ryan kept remembering what Ellen had said, and eventually he was able to use his pen as something to write with instead of something to occupy his teeth.

I can do this.

Hi you, 

You're already better at this than I am. Don't think I'm mad at you because I don't think that could ever happen. You're human, Bren. You're very good at being a person, because this is what people do. They get upset sometimes, they make mistakes, say things that shouldn't say, and only an asshole wouldn't forgive other people for doing what comes naturally to every person. Jesus, I am truly awful at this. I am not mad at you. Still friends? Yes, of course. I wouldn't want anything less. Yesterday was nothing short of amazing. It was so nice to just do nothing all day and still accomplish so much. It's good to feel so alive sometimes. I think of it as an honor that you are willing to tell me so much, I mean aren't you afraid to tell people all this? I would be so afraid of having things held against me or just scaring people away... none of which, I must add, will happen to you. I want this so bad. I want you to be able to trust me.

Don't think you need to thank me, either. I am doing what I need and want to do. I am doing what was done for me for so long by two of the most amazing people ever... even though things are a little different for you than they were for me (and still are, sometimes), I still know what you feel like. It's awful, I know. But I had two amazing friends who never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself. Because of this, I am here now, and I think the world is beautiful. Well, it's beautiful in it's own sick way, the way everything is in constant disorder, and there's all this shit going on, so many people in so many different places, just trying to live their lives from start to finish... Somehow, everything fits together perfectly, everything keeps moving, and I Finally like knowing that I am part of it. I just think there is something beautiful about so much order and purpose arising from so much chaos. 

It's not always going to seem like the entire world is against you. I know it does now, but it's not always going to be like this. Some day, hopefully soon, you will realize that all the people in the world don't care enough to hate you. It sounds rather pessimistic, I know, but it's true - most people are too concerned with themselves to have enough time to be against you, and you will eventually see that people just don't care at all. Unless they are your friends, they are indifferent. But the people who matter, will care about you. They are the ones that do are about you enough to be able to hate you, but they will only love you instead. Once you realize that the world is not out to get you, you will notice that it is just you and me, happy, caring about the world as much as it cares about us. We won't care about the world at all. I'm looking forward to that. (God, this is long.)

I want you to know that I care about you, too. Whatever we have right now is so important to me. You say you think I'm strong, but really I am so weak when I am with you. It's not really a bad kind of weak, it's more like... I don't know. It's different, like I feel that everything I have built for myself is close to crashing down all around me and I would still be okay. You said you felt like I needed you, and you are absolutely right. I know I said I'm used to what my dad becomes at night, and I am. I am used to the typicality of it all, I am used to certain things happening, and I am used to expecting them. But I will never be used to what actually happens. It will never be welcomed and it will never cease to tear me apart a little more every time, but I will never let it destroy be like I let it before. It took a lot out of me last night to stay as calm as I did, but you were with me. I'm a lot like you - I don't like being alone when I feel like that, and you did help. I didn't have any dreams last night while you were with me, Bren. It's the first time that I have fallen asleep without even the tiniest bit of fear... but there was nothing last night. Just sleep. I have waited so long for that and I think you're the reason I was able to have it. And yes, Bren. Our friendship and that river are the two most beautiful things in my life right now. Let's start talking and never stop, shall we? You have told me so much, but I can't rely on your eyes to tell me the rest, even though they are a wonderful place to start.

"I feel that when I'm old, 

I'll look at you and know

The world was beautiful."

........And if you can tell me that some is from, I owe you a thousand hugs, promise. 

-RR.

With a song now running though his head, Ryan quickly folded the papers together and casually looked around the room. The continuing lecture made no sense to him while he tried to redirect his attention to his surroundings, but the level of agitation in the room made him glance at the clock and see that class was just about over. Ryan started to worry that the time he had to spend waiting before he could hand the contents of his heart over to Brendon would make him rethink the situation and start to regret the one decision that he did not want to change his mind about. He distracted himself by staring at the blonde girl next to him, or rather, by staring at her wrists as she shuffled around several metal bracelets that dangled from them in order to pass the time. Ryan was content until she noticed his gaze.

"Something wrong?"

"Oh, sorry, I tend to stare off when I'm thinking. Didn't mean to bother you."

"It's no bother. Everyone's painfully bored in here, I don't blame you."

"Sorry, though."

"It's fine. I'm Stephanie. You?"

"Ryan."

"Whatcha been writing over there?"

"Oh, it's nothing, really."

"You spent a half hour writing nothing? That takes talent."

Ryan blushed at her kind sarcasm. "It's just for a friend. I'm just afraid that I'll regret it."

"Regret what you said, you mean?"

"Yeah. It's crazy. I shouldn't worry but it's just too honest. I wish I was about thirty so I could stop being bothered by these things."

Stephanie chuckled and sat back in her seat. "So this friend's a girl then, huh?"

"What?" Ryan felt his chest grow tense and he sensed all color draining from his face. It's what fight or flight must feel like. "Oh, yeah, it's... damn, you women are hard to talk to sometimes. Trust me, guys never know how to say certain things to you, no offence."

"Oh, none taken. Your girlfriend?"

"Nah."

"She know you like her?"

"I... don't think so. She's never... I don't know, never said... I think so, though. I mean... yeah, okay, I really don't know." Ryan finished with what he hoped was a believable smile and laugh.

Stephanie laughed a little louder due to the growing noise level in the classroom. "Just let her know how you feel. If you really wanna win, tell her she's beautiful. Believe me, if she's ever gonna feel the same way about you, that will prove it."

"Thanks."

"If that gets you nowhere, you might wanna move on."

"Well I hope it works, then."

"Oh thank God." Stephanie threw her hands down on the table as the bell rang. "I'll catch ya later."

"Yeah... later."

Ryan admitted to himself that maybe this phone-addicted girl was not as bad as he first thought, but she had succeeded in making things a whole lot more complicated. His own feelings were starting to attack him again and he picked up where he had left off, singing a song in his head to keep his mind off the one thing that he could not manage to stay away from. The sight of his beloved t-shirt in the hallway made his heart almost jump completely out of his chest, and he ducked back into the classroom to avoid getting ahead of himself. He still needed time to prepare.

Ryan made it to the lunch line without being noticed and he proceeded to grab two trays, filling each of them with identical lunches consisting of two pieces of pizza and a bottle of orange juice. The pizza appeared to be an everyday offering and Ryan figured he could stand to try to gain a couple pounds as long as his body would let him put on weight for once. He broke his twenty dollar bill to pay for the food and he tossed the note onto one of the trays before setting off to search for Spencer's distinct hair in the sea of people. Instead, he spotted Brendon, sitting alone at a table with two familiar piles of books on the opposite side. Spencer and Ellen had apparently gone missing after leaving their belongings under Brendon's watchful eye, and Ryan exhaled heavily at the realization of the fact that he was alone for this one. He approached the table as a mess of lunch trays and books, and he smiled at the boy who vulnerably peered up at him.

"Got you somethin'."

"Thanks, Ry." Brendon's voice sounded quiet, almost defeated while Ryan sat a tray in front of him.

"You okay?" Ryan gladly let go of his books and sat down, moving close to his friend.

Brendon licked his lips and discreetly picked up the square of paper that was lying between his pizza and juice. "I hope so."

Ryan didn't feel quite so alone in this anymore. Everything seemed to hold promise for an easier time due to the fact that they were battling storms of equal strength in each of their minds. Misery loves company, Ryan thought, but he wasn't quite sure if he was miserable. Confused and unable to think properly, yes, but far from unhappy. He watched the growing smile on Brendon's face, and he knew everything was worth it. Ryan tried to busy himself with his pizza while Brendon read. The only thing worse than feeling what he felt would have been knowing that he was the only one feeling this way, but being alone in this was one thing that he did not have to worry about.