tw for anxiety attack in the beginning. i apologize if it's shit. life has been shit lately.

—-

it's become an undeniable fact, proven over time and thanks to heavy discussions with calum, that louis is 110% in love with harry.

it makes his stomach tie itself into constricting knots. it makes his vision blur. it's almost as if his head is sounding a really loud, ear busting siren just thinking about it. he's had love for harry for quite some time, but actually coming to the realization that he is in love makes him feel like this. not the "i think" — now it's "i know."

it's not a bad thing. at least it shouldn't be. it's not wrong to love harry when harry has been one of the best things to ever walk into his life. it's right. it's so, so right.

so why does this hit him like a goddamn bus? why is so shaky, so nauseas, yet so relieved that he's feeling this way? it's a back and forth cycle of i love this, i hate this, what did i do to deserve someone like him?

that question alone makes him gag. he leans forward and retches for what felt like the hundredth time. his throat feels on fire. it feels like glass is cutting his mouth and his chest feels like something is trying to crawl its way out of him. he's been throwing up for the last thirty minutes and it seems like it's not going to stop any time soon.

harry has been nothing but everything he needed. the stability, the solid ground, he's the perfect mix of a lover and a best friend.

he is this really colorful bright flame and louis is a moth hopelessly attracted to his smoke, embers and ashes. his own fire was almost burned out so long ago that he never expected such a small spark would make it roar again.

is he being dramatic? certain emotions that overwhelm him to the point that's all he feels, but ten times stronger, has always been one of his weaknesses. he should be shouting this off of rooftops, hanging his head out of his car window and screaming to the universe that he's in love, but instead, it's making him vomit. the tables have turned.

"fuck," he sniffles. he wipes the tears leaking from the corners of his eyes and takes a slow, deep breath, so he wouldn't upset his body much more. he puts his head in his hands and rubs over his face. "snap out of it."

calum told him that he fully expects louis to still question his feelings and intentions. he fully expects louis to think, overthink, and not use his head at all. he had to remind louis that for a period of his life, he was traumatized by someone he loved. he was abused, pushed aside, and walked over. comparing the good to the bad isn't always safe. trying to make something good, bad, just because he's terrified, is not the way to go.

"don't put these feelings on the back burner, especially if you're confident in them," he told louis. "don't brush them off. embrace them. allow yourself to feel them, allow yourself to breathe. trust your gut and roll with it."

anyone else that knows louis would think this was the best thing ever, but louis' mind is telling him to lock his door with four extra locks, staple his curtains into the wall, then ram his head into said wall.

he heaves a breath before puking into the toilet again, bringing his knees to his chest and resting his head on them. he pulls at the roots of his hair, the tiniest whimper breaking out.

a cool washcloth is placed around the back of his neck. he didn't even hear the door open, or footsteps, or the faucet run over the sounds of his puking and his mind going 99 miles an hour.

"had a feeling, so i came back home," is murmured as arms wrap tightly around him, keeping him still. "'s okay, baby. you're okay."

harry gives the boy a squeeze, feeling the boy trembling under his own arms. he soothes him with soft reassurances, moving a hand to lay it on top of one that was tangled in nothing but caramel colored hair. stroking louis' knuckles with his own, he carefully unglues said hand from his scalp and holds onto it. louis keeps a deathly tight grip on his hand as he leans back into him, chest still rising and falling in broken patterns.

"i'm here, alright? i got you," harry continued. "just you and me. i don't know what happened but i'm here. come back to me, baby. you're okay. i promise."

louis hiccuped as his eyes fluttered closed. he slowly loosened his grasp on his partner's hand. he still held it there to have that physical grounding.

once his trembles died down, louis sat upright and released his hand. he tried to speak but it hurt his throat too much so he cleared it and grimaced at the feeling.

"think you can stand?" harry asks. when louis nods, he helps him to his feet. he flushes the commode to rid evidence of louis' anxiety attack and walks him to the sink. squeezing toothpaste onto his toothbrush for him, harry hands it over and maneuvered the wet cloth around louis' face while louis brushed his teeth. he holds it on one side, then the other, and presses it to his forehead for a few seconds in hopes to lower his body heat.

once louis finishes cleaning his mouth out, harry hoists him onto the sinktop. he thumbs away the wet tracks on his cheeks before pulling him into a hug.

louis lays his head on harry's shoulder, tightening his legs around the man's waist. sniffles were muffled by his tee shirt as he tried to tell himself to calm down, for just five fucking seconds, please calm down. the hand that cards through the back of his hair is so gentle that it nearly makes him tear up again.

"you're alright," harry whispers. "i'm home. i'm here. i got you. always got you."

this. this right here is one reason louis fell for him in the first place. it's like the night he had a panic attack over mylo and harry stayed right here at the apartment with him. he just listened as he talked, provided moral support, and never once realized just how much he helped him that night.

he's always looking for ways to help him out whether it be put his clothes up for him, carry his backpack around like it's his own, or just literally be five feet away from him. having him in his bubble calmed him down faster than he thought it would.

when louis wraps his arms around his neck, harry grabs him by the back of his thighs to carry him into the bedroom. he lowers louis onto his bed carefully and croons when louis doesn't attempt to release him while he tries to straighten back up.

"bunny, if you wanna cuddle then you got to let me free so i can fix the blankets," he says into louis' shoulder. "pretty please, with a buncha cherries on top."

louis slowly untangles himself and watches silently as harry shuffles the blankets around. harry steps out of the bedroom and returns with two bottled waters, setting them on the nightstand before kicking his shoes off and crawling into bed beside him. he opens one of the waters and holds it to louis' lips, tipping it back so he can get hydrated.

"do you wanna talk about it?" he asks as he pulls the blanket over their hips. "bad day? bad dreams? you need a blowjob or two?"

louis shakes his head.

"is it school? i know you're starting to get more assignments in. last semester you overworked yourself so much i thought you were going to have a stroke."

"no stroke, not school," the older man mumbles, avoiding eye contact. "it's just...it's still scary, y'know? as much as i don't want it to be, it is..."

"what scares you, honey?"

"i'm a little scared of tanning beds, if i'm being honest. final destination fucked me up when i was a kid."

harry couldn't stop the eye roll that came in response, a soft chuckle following. zayn was right. louis really does try to make light out of shitty situations. "seriously, lou. what exactly are you afraid of?"

louis swallows hard as he watches harry adjust the way he was laying on the pillow. "that loving you is going to drive me absolutely mad."

"well, if you do go mad, i'll come visit as often as i can."

harry then started to list ways he could possibly sneak emma in to see him or slide a nurse money to give him mcdonald's instead of pudding.

louis laughed at him for his rambling, then surged forward to kiss him so he would shut up.

he still gets that lovesick feeling every time he kisses him. especially when he takes harry by surprise. harry usually tightens his hands on him to pull him in for another one. or the kind where harry tips his head back to kiss him with all his might, those are his favorite. it makes the older man dizzy.

harry rolled onto his back, pulling louis on top of him. he slid his hands under the shirt louis was wearing, the tips of his fingers barely gliding his ribs. louis' whole body radiates heat under his touch. he feels feverish.

louis draws away first. eyes still closed, lips still ghosting over harry's. "i love you."

he blinks his eyes open to see harry biting his lip, trying to hide a shy grin. "you silly boy, i already knew that."

"how?"

the younger man shrugs. "i just do."

louis looks anywhere but harry's face. "i'm in love with you and it made me puke. hope that's not offensive."

"it's not," harry chuckles. "i'd puke, too. i know you're scared. this has to be hard on you, but i also know, that you are strong and you tackle any obstacle that comes your way." he gives the man's waist a small squeeze. "wanna know a secret?"

"what?"

"i feel the same way. it hasn't made me puke yet, but it might."

the smaller man settles back, sitting on harry's abdomen. "don't say it just because i did. you don't have to do that. please..."

"i'm not the best at lying to you. we both know that," harry assures. "i am in love with you. i've just been too chicken shit to say it." he sits up and brushes louis' messy hair out of his face. "it's okay to be scared. i'm a little scared if i say so myself."

the smaller man looks down at his lap. "i'm sorry."

"you really have got to learn when to apologize," harry mumbles. "you didn't do anything wrong, lou."

"i hate it. i hate feeling like this. i wanna be proud," louis watches harry's hands cover his own. "i wanna be excited that i'm in love but it literally made me puke. i don't like that."

"want me to puke so we're even?"

louis points to the hallway. "bathroom's that way."

grinning, harry cups the boy's face in his hands. he leans forward and sprinkles kisses along his face until he is sure he's covered every square centimeter of the canvas before drawing himself back to bump noses with him.

"why are you scared?" louis asks.

"'cause you're the only person that has made me feel this way."

"you really are a bad liar."

"wasn't a lie."

louis gulps and scans his face. bright eyes, flushed cheeks, harry's almost...bashful to even admit that. "really?"

"i've never made anyone else a copy of my house key." harry shrugs. "they just know where the spare is."

louis leans back. "you made me a key?"

harry dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out a tie dye printed key. he dropped it into louis' hand, brushing his thumb over the boy's knuckles. "was gonna give it to you at dinner but you can have it now. my house is free game to you. you know this. this is yours for as long as you want it."

louis juts his lip in a fond pout. "i feel like i'm being proposed to," he jokes.

harry takes the key back and pretends to open an engagement box, presenting the key to him again. "louis, my love, my heart, would you do me the honor of being the first person to ever harbor a copy of my house key?"

louis gasps in fake shock, bringing his hands up to his mouth. "oh, fruitcake...yes, yes. a million times yes!" he laughs behind his hands. he took the key back and flung his arms around his partner.

harry smiled wide as louis pressed kisses to his cheek over and over. "you're so strong," he tells him. "i don't know how you do it."

louis puts the key on his nightstand. "i have no choice but to be."

"bullshit. you have every right to shut yourself down. to avoid all of your problems. to ignore everything around you. but you don't. you fight through them, as much as you hate to, and somehow you come back ten times stronger..." harry strokes louis' cheekbones with his thumbs. he presses a feather light kiss to louis' bottom lip. "you inspire me, my bunny."

"stop it."

"no. it's the truth. you're my daily inspiration. you're my reason for getting up and doing something with myself every day. i do it for us now," the younger man sits back on his hands as he skims his eyes over the boy sitting on top of him. "a lot of what i do is for you. seeing you happy is what keeps me in place. knowing that you won't hesitate to kick my ass makes it even better."

"you need to start doing things for yourself and not for anybody else, sir," louis pokes a stern finger to his chest. "always put yourself first. you are who you can rely on most."

harry raises an eyebrow at the digit. "i know," he murmurs. "but you're still my reason. that's not going to change."

he notices louis' eyes soften at the declaration and grabs his hand. he presses a kiss to his knuckles before nuzzling his cheek into the older boy's palm.

knowing he won't go down without a fight, all louis does is nod.

harry pulls the boy in for another hug, nuzzling his nose against his shoulder. he just wants to hold him forever. "my boy. my brat. my bunny."

"my idiot." louis kissed the top of his head. "i'm so happy i have you."

"the feeling is mutual."

—-

he doesn't remember falling asleep.

when he wakes up, he checks the time to see it's eight at night. it's dark in his room, except for the cracked door to allow minimal light in. harry's not in bed. there's a sticky note under his water bottle that says take these, i bet your big head hurts.

harry's a pain in the ass sometimes.

louis downs the painkillers and wraps a light blanket around his shoulders. lighting a cigarette, he tiptoes out of his bedroom and follows the sound of soft chatter and low volume music. his best friend is sitting on top of the kitchen table with a very wiggly emma in his lap. he's scratching her tummy as he and harry seem deep in conversation.

"hi, lovey," zayn gives him a sympathetic smile when he sees him enter the kitchen. "harry told me you had a hard day so i catnapped your child for you."

"you're the best," louis fawns while he strokes emma's head. "hi, kitto. it's so good to see you. how was your day with the boys, zee?"

he listens to zayn ramble about their lunch date, and about niall making origami with napkins. zayn said niall tipped their waiter with a $20 flower. he gets this starry eyed look when he talks about them like he's in love or some shit. it's cute.

louis pads over to his partner, who was leaned back against the counter beside the stove. "what're you making?" he asked when he noticed food being prepared.

"chicken and dumplings," harry murmured as he took louis' cigarette from him, hitting it. "comfort food."

"well, aren't you just lovely," louis says as he wormed his way under harry's arms, nuzzling into his chest. harry kept one arm around his shoulder while they passed the smoke back and forth until it was out.

louis didn't eat as much as zayn or harry wanted him to, but he did manage to get something on his stomach. after dinner was done and dishes were put away, louis finds himself back in his bed with emma curled up against his side.

"think i just might keep you here," he tells her.

harry was gathering clothes for god knows what reason. "weekends and holidays, babe, remember?"

"yeah," louis grins as he pokes the cat's paw. he strokes emma's fur as his brain finally feels dull for the first time in ages.

he told harry he was in love with him. harry said it back.

does harry feel like this, too? does his heart do cartwheels, does his stomach become a chinese finger trap, does he sit and want to bash his head into brick walls at the idea of being in love?

sure, harry can be an emotional person, but louis is outwardly emotional. harry speaks on his feelings when prompted to, or when it feels appropriate. he keeps them to himself and plucks them from the braincell files when the time is right. that's quite the opposite compared to the heart sitting loud and proud on louis' sleeve.

"hey." harry throws a pair of socks at him. "i still forget where you keep the towels."

louis knows that's a crock of shit. he smiles over at him anyways and reminds him, "hallway closet. pink ones are zayn's."

"noted."

he had almost dozed off snuggling with the cat when his boyfriend came back to the room.

"what were you and zee talkin' about earlier?" louis yawns.

"you," his partner shrugs. "zayn and i have formed a he-man-louis-hater club. trying to get niall in too so we can come up with a creed and a handshake."

louis' jaw drops. "you whores. now i see why emma bites you."

harry gasps and grabs him by his ankles, pulling him down to the end of the bed. louis bursted into a fit of giggles, covering his face with his hands as he was manhandled away.

"move your hands, brat."

louis peeks through his fingers and closes them back. harry grabs his wrists and pins them above his head. louis' eyes widen. he almost smirks up at the man. almost.

"hi," he squeaks instead.

"hi, pretty thing," harry grins. "zee and i were talking about really important stuff. 'bout your anxiety and whatnot. i kinda told him the 'love' word slipped and he nearly pissed himself. he said that was a big step for you, that he's happy for you, but he was kinda sad you didn't tell him so he could scream about it. then he told me if i were to ever do you wrong he would feed me to sharks."

"sounds about right," the smaller man murmurs. "he's a little protective."

"a little my ass," harry chuckles. "come on." he tugs louis up and drags him to the bathroom.

the only source of light in the bathroom is from the small tealight candles that surround the tub. two glasses of wine and a world of bubbles were waiting on him.

"you didn't have to do this," louis said.

"shush," harry kisses his head before peeling louis' shirt off of him. once they're undressed, louis sinks into the tub first, and harry sits opposite of him.

harry instigates a war by blowing bubbles at the smaller man. louis spits when they land on his mouth. he scooped an even bigger pile of suds into his palms, harshly blowing them right at harry's face. they continued their back and forth battle until white clouds sit on different parts of the bathroom, on top of harry's head, and even a small clump of them lay on louis' nose.

"i'm sorry i ruined date night," louis mumbled as he rubbed the bubbles off of his nose. harry had told him to pick an outfit for their date before he left that morning, then louis saw a note that said thank you for being mine - H xx and it triggered the meltdown. any other day, his brain would have been greatly appreciated it. "i feel bad that we didn't go..."

"nonsense. you come first. we can always reschedule," harry says. "just make it up to me by wearing that dress of yours again, yeah? maybe we can go shopping and get you another one. i think you'd look gorgeous in red. maybe even white."

"you really like me in a dress, huh," louis chuckles.

"hell yeah," harry grins. "it brings out that confidence you never realized you had. seals the deal for me, babes."

louis blushes as he flicks bubbles at him. "i love you."

"i love you most, bunny."

soaking in the tub calmed him a lot. just sitting in the silent bathroom with sweet smelling candles, too many bubbles, and his happy place. harry is his happy place. he ended up finishing both of their small wine glasses because harry got too distracted tracing over his chest tattoo.

it is what it is.

he's been a victim. battered, afraid, torn at the seams. chewed up and spit out. he's taken two steps forward to only fall ten steps back, he's walked on eggshells to save himself, but for once in his life...he's free. he can feel free.

he doesn't have to hide anymore. he doesn't have to put on this fake persona that everything is okay when it isn't. he doesn't have to lie about the shit he goes through. he doesn't have to cover up someone else's slacking, or loose ends. he doesn't have to do shit. he doesn't have to pray that someone would save him from his hell because there's no hell between the two of them here. it's heaven.

maybe all of this...is not so bad.

harry washes his hair for him. he washes his body off, too, telling him every part about him that he adores. his eyes, his nose, his pointed tooth smile. his different hairstyles, his mismatched socks, and his nail polish themes. his forever bond with emma, his love for cartoons and late night drives and all things that just scream live.

his personality, his stubbornness, his foul mouth and his strength. his bravery, his short attention span, and his tendency to forget where he put his car keys even though he places them in the same spot every single time.

louis was nearly in tears again by the time harry finished cleaning him up. once harry got done washing his hair and body as well, he drained the tub and made sure all bubbles were out of sight. he dried louis off with a fluffy towel and even went as far as lathering sweet scented lotion on his tanned skin before dressing him in one of his own tee shirts, sleeping shorts, and fuzzy socks to keep his feet warm.

harry participated in his nighttime routine with him. he hip checked him when they washed their faces and brushed their teeth. he didn't take as long as louis did because the man was particular about how much product he used and how long he used it for. you're supposed to brush your teeth for two minutes but harry is certain louis aims for five.

harry runs the blow dryer over louis' hair so his head is soft and warm. he plants his hands on either side of louis when he was done, admiring the boy in the mirror.

"'s there something i missed?" louis questions, leaning back.

"nope," harry kissed his cheek. "just really, really glad i asked you to come to cali."

louis turns around and locks his arms around harry's torso. he kisses between his collarbones before saying, "me too."

he stood up on his toes to kiss his partner's lips, squeaking when harry picked him up to sit him on the sink again. harry's hands remained tucked underneath his shorts as he himself moved to kiss louis' jaw and neck.

"careful," louis warned lightly, biting his lip when he felt teeth graze against his skin. "tryin' to turn me on already, h?"

"no." harry shrugs. "but if that's what you want, then..."

louis hurries to blow all of the candles out and carry their dirty clothes into the bedroom, checking to see if the coast was clear. no sign of zayn whatsoever.

he tugged harry back into his room and politely requested that emma vacate the premises, carefully putting her outside of the room so she can explore. he locks the door and pushes his laughing partner onto the bed.

harry went slow as he prepped him and told him countless times that he loved him. gave compliments like they were his dying words. kissed him like he'd never have the opportunity to ever again. anything louis wanted, he gave. he took his time with sex itself until louis looked at him with this glimmer in his eyes that made him flip the lad onto his stomach and fuck him just how the little devil liked.

"jesus, fuck," louis collapsed against the bed and buried his face in the pillows. "just in time. zayn's here."

"might wanna put some clothes on," harry smirked as he swatted louis' bare bum.

the smaller man whined into the pillows and struggled to get dressed due to his shaking thighs. harry helps him get dressed and stabilized on two feet before putting his joggers back on.

"emma reminded me to grab ice cream," he murmurs as he grabbed his shirt, "so when i went to the store to get stuff for dinner, i grabbed some."

"you got me ice cream?" louis' eyes light up.

"and cupcakes."

"and cupcakes?"

"i think i accidentally put your flowers in the freezer, too," harry's eyes widen. he rushes to the door, still tugging his shirt over his head.

louis laughed when his partner smacked face first into the door and struggled to get the lock undone. he stripped the bed of dirty sheets, lit a candle on his nightstand, and carried the sheets and their old clothes to the laundry room to wash.

"slut," zayn poked the hickey that was on louis' neck when he passed him.

"sometimes," louis cheeses and throws the load in the washer.

he gets everything started while the sound of shrieking laughter fills the apartment. he can only assume that one of his best friend's partners sent him a very dirty message.

harry steps into the laundry room and holds out a bouquet of roses, face flushed a light shade of pink. "think these belong to you."

"were they actually in the freezer?" louis chuckles as he takes the flowers.

"no, i checked. i remembered bringing them in but they mysteriously disappeared so i gave zayn the sickest noogie until he coughed them up."

yeah...he definitely doesn't think it's that bad at all.

—-

aaaaaand they lived happily ever after, the end.

this chapter was heavy, and a lot to unload all at once. i was very iffy on it for the longest time tbh. are you crying? cause i'm crying. who tf is cutting onions bro like-

the homies love eachother. it's mutual, they discussed it.

but can we literally talk about the BREAKTHROUGH of this chapter? this is HUGE for lou!! HUUUUUGE!!!!!!!!!!

where do you think this is going to take them?

what do you think is going to happen next?