"—and I grew up with you. Hearing your stories . I knew all of you friend's names more than you did. Your bed was right on top of mine and at night you would peak out of your blanket and look down at me. You would wake me up and tell me everything that was in your heart. I saw you crushing on girls . I saw your eyes shine with the thought of seeing her the next morning. And I lived your crush—your love with you. I lived every single moment of you with you . I was your favorite brother. Your trusty side kick. The Robin to your Batman And. .  .I would sleep thinking that my future was right around the corner—my first crush was right around the corner and then it would be me waking you up and me sharing all my firsts with my big brother. . .and when it did come. .I couldn't find you anywhere, Ryan. You left me right there . .at the end of the road. You cut me off, Ryan. You cut me off so bad for no reason at all. You stopped asking me about my dreams. You stopped everything and every night I would stay awake thinking and thinking until I couldn't sleep—why. Why did you grow so cold towards your own brother ? Didn't you see I needed you ? I worshipped the ground my big brother walked on then why. .why did he turn his back on me? . . .Ryan, did you ever think what you made me go through? From being best friends to nothing? Did you ever think what would become of me? Did you ever think what it would do to me? Ryan. . . I had a world in me and  no one to share it with."

There was silence and then—

"Did you send this to him?" The Dr asked , skimming over the letter again.

He sighed. "No. I didn't think it was worth it."

"Why? Did you feel embarrass over what's in the letter?" Dr asked carefully slipping the yellowed parchment in the file.

His patient was silent for a few moments, eyes fixed on the table.

"I guess not. I guess.  .I didn't want him to know he had done it." He said quietly.

"Done what?"

"Destroyed a part of me. But then again destruction is a heavy word. I still don't know what he did to me but all of sudden — I was alone. Yeah, that's all. " He shrugged.

"Alright . Can you tell me why your brother that you clearly adored grew distant from you?" Dr asked gently, taking the pen out of his front pocket.

He smiled at that as if he found the question funny.

"I wish I could tell. I wish I knew the reason of it. He got girlfriends and then he had no time for me. That's about it. "

Dr clicked the pen , reaching for the notepad.

"Don't you think you should reach out to him and actually have a conversation on it?"

He shook his head slightly.

"Dr, I have nothing to converse over with him. That part of me is dead and talking about it would be like beating a dead body. That piece of me is long gone." He sounded tired , drained.

Dr Michael jotted down on the pad.

Emotionally damaged.

"You know, " Dr Michael said leaning back against the chair ," you have such. . . peculiar relationships with your brothers but it's not something I haven't heard of before. One of them is dead and other you don't associate with."

"Yeah. Something like that." He said calmly.

"Let's talk about the . .other brother . He was the oldest correct?" Dr peered at him over his glasses.

All he did was nod.

"You had absolutely no—how do I say this—no emotional connection with Drake? With Ryan you still have some kind of connection though you don't admit it but I can see it.  But with Drake, your eldest brother, you were distant yourself? You chose to be distant from him all your life?"

Dr knew he was pressuring him with such loaded questions but his  patient's face give nothing away. The eyes were as vacant as they always were.

"I don't want to talk about it. It's too soon."

Dr nodded and then he reached for his file and opened it—skimming over the contents.

"I see. So here you have mentioned that — you bullied people?" Dr seemed a little surprised because his patient did not look like a bully nor was his aura of that.

"Not physically. Mentally." He admitted in a low voice .

"Explain."

He shifted uncomfortably , his eyes downcast as if he couldn't look onto the doctor's face.

"I—i didn't know what I was doing that time. Understand this I had no one to talk to and I had no idea about the—," he stopped for a moment. " I used—abused my looks and money. I got girlfriends. .for them I was their boyfriend but for me they were my vent outs. . .people I could mentally bully. People I could vent out my hate on. It was fucked up. I was fucked up in the head. It was a . .," He rubbed down his face, " nightmare. My worst nightmare incarnate. I thought—i believed I would never make some one go through what Ryan did and I couldn't be more wrong than that. I made everyone go through hell . I made sure to bully them mentally. Make them feel stuck in a dark corner like I was. Make them feel like they couldn't get out. I wish — I wish I was normal ,doc. I wish I had a normal life. I wish I wasn't so fucked up . So hard to love. "

His voice broke at the end and he stopped right there. Looking exhausted . So exhausted he could drop any moment.

"Don't you think that it's a positive sign to hear how your dark phase ended on the word love?" The Dr smiled lightly.

He chuckled. "Guess you only heard that word huh?"

"Well, I have to keep the optimism alive . Now tell me about. . her."

His patient leaned back, laying his head over the chair. .eyes on the ceiling.

"There's nothing to say really. Sometimes I want to be like let's talk let's kiss let's hold hands .  We will figure out the rest but — it's not that easy."

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The vibration of her cell woke her up from deep slumber.

Eyes heavy with sleep, her hand moved over —going under the pillow and then all over her sheet.

It was right beside her hip.

Still half asleep, groaning. .she took the phone out and with squinted eyes unlocked her phone.

A message had popped in her inbox.

Frowning at the time, she tapped the envelope and the message opened.

They see the beauty of the forest around me but they don't know how lost I'm in them. They don't know how I can't find my way out of them.

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A/ N

Gotta admit.

The chapter drained me emotionally.

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