"So she slapped you and now you're here?"

His patient didn't reply and the doctor had enough experience to tell that yes indeed it had happened ; the slap.

He could clearly see the red slash across his left cheek and could spot a crescent shaped angry scar right beside his eye.

It was reddening rapidly.

"The nail got you too?" Doctor grinned , shuffling the files on his table .

"I would rather call it a love bite." He replied in a dry voice earning a chuckle from the doctor.

"Now," Dr Michael slipped out a dark file from the stack and clicked on his pen, " tell me what exactly made you come here?"

The handsome young man let out a breath. " Why are you dragging this? Isn't it obvious? I had . . it again. " His voice turned low in the end, almost like a whisper.

"What is the it?"

He glanced up at the doctor .

"A fucking panic attack, if that's what you wanted to hear ."

The doctor nodded and then jotted down on the white sheet in the file.

Accepting.

"If you recall , in the first few sessions you were quite adamant about denying these —let's call them episodes — you kept denying them. And look at you now . .accepting it with a straight face. I would call it an improvement." Doctor smiled  lightly.

He rubbed down his face in a tired manner.

"I thought I was done with them." His patient looked . . .exhausted. Burned out.

"No. That's called a relapse. Something triggered it. " Dr Michael said gently watching him look so lost.

"Dark." He said it like a curse.

"Alright. Lean back . It's story time. Look at the ceiling and tell me everything that's going on in your head right now. I'm all ears." Doctor said readying another sheet of blank paper.

He did what he was ask to.

Leaning back against the chair, placing his head back. .eyes staring up at the porcelain ceiling.

In his head , he was. . .

Stuck. .

He was stuck in a vortex.

"Let's go down the memory lane. Again. When did you start having them?"

He heard the doctor's voice float .

He swallowed , his heart rate spiking up again like in the elevator. Everything seemed to be slowing down . .the world around him was spinning and he was drowning. .

Out of nowhere he heard her laugh .  the smile reaching her eyes. . crinkling at the edges of her eyes. .

You're my anchor , Dean

You always have been. .

Dean. . Dean look at me—

He pulled his head out of the water , gasping for air. The will to live surpassing everything in him . .it was happening all in his head .

"It started with him. My older brother ,Drake. I was 15 when he came back from the military. My father was so proud of him . .his first born an ex army official. .so blinded. .my father was so blinded by the title that he didn't notice the indifference in his own son. The way he would kill Ryan's soul. .his condescending smiles . .his cold eyes . I—Drake rattled our souls. His jibes would tear us down. I would see him coming at Ryan like a fucking raging bull. I would see him relishing at  instilling fear in his own brothers. It was as if we were his lab rats he could play around with. I—i saw Ryan crying. I would hear his cries at night . .that's when I started having them. Panic attacks. Whenever I would spot Drake . .my heart would beat so fast I would get breathless . .the incoming of violence would twist at my nerves so bad and I had no where to go — I had to endure it in silence. If you're being strangled . .you thrash your hands and feet to fight for your life. .but this. .it was a different kind of kill.  I died in silence."

"And no one noticed?"

He smiled at the ceiling, a bruised smiled.

"I would lock myself in the bathroom. Tell myself it was going to be okay . Take cold showers to numb my heart down. .and then one day I stopped stripping. I would stand under the shower with my clothes on. .I guess I lost the will the hope at everything being okay .  . I was sick of lying to myself. .everything would be so cold. The water. .the air. .my breathing. . everything. I had a pillow . .i would pretend it's Ryan. I would hug it and fall asleep. I would treat it like a human. That was the time when Ryan drifted apart from me. I could hear his cries and do nothing. He could hear me shaking and he would do nothing. Father was fond of Drake. .he never realized how he was breaking us. And he did . .break us. The day Drake  died in an accident. .I  stood over his casket. Looking at his bloodied face and . .it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. I stopped having panic attacks."

"Hmmm you had panic attacks because of the way Drake berated  Ryan and you—"

"I had them because I had so much happening in me and I had no one to talk to. Ryan shut me out. I had no one but a pillow for support." He chuckled darkly. . .now sitting up straight.

"But they were there because of the voilence in your house. 15 years old you would panic at the thought of it. "

"Yeah, I guess."

Dr Michael took of his glasses slowly. ."Don't you think Ryan shutting you off is quite understandable? Because he was dealing with his own, how do you say it, shit?"

"May be. " His tone was clipped.

Dr wiped his glasses over his shirt.

"You need to understand. Ryan was dealing with his own issues . He couldn't handle his younger brother looking up at him—"

"All I know is he wasn't there for me. That's all. " He crossed his arms over his chest, his green eyes going cold.

Dr nodded , seeing the cool gaze of his patient.

Enough with the probing.

"What did the girl do when she see you having the it?"

A glimmer of smile fell on his face at the mention of her . .it wasn't a full fledged smile but it was something.

"She didn't leave me. She stood right by me."

"And the slap?" Dr cleared his throat.

He shrugged in a careless manner.

"I deserved it."

××××××××××××××××××××

| Daisy |

I was dreaming.

Dreaming of a certain green eyed boy and we were finally settling down. But in my dream he didn't say anything. He just kept looking at me and kept saying my name over and over again.

Daisy Daisy Daisy Daisy—

Until all I could hear was my name vibrating—

Vibrating?!

My eyes shot open.

My cellphone!

I searched for my phone all over my bed without moving an inch because I was lazy like that.

It was right beside my hip.

Someday I'll be a decent human being and place it on the bed side table !

Squinting at the screen , I swiped it open and—

My eyes popped out.

A message!

With a beating heart I tapped it open.

Believe it. Own it. Know it. It's going to be okay.

×××××××××××××××××××××