CHAPTER THIRTY ONE,
he fell into himself

"DALE COULD GET under your skin - he sure got under mine, because he wasn't afraid to say exactly what he thought, how he felt. That kind of honestly is rare...and brave.

Whenever I'd made a decision, I'd look at Dale. He'd be looking back at me with that look he had. We've all seen it one time or another.

I couldn't always read him, but he could read us. He saw people for who they are. He knew things about us, the truth, who we really are.

In the end, he was talking about losing our humanity. He said this group was broken. The best way to honor him is to unbreak it. Set aside our differences and pull together, stop feeling sorry for ourselves and take control of our lives, our safety, our future.

We're not broken. We're gonna prove him wrong. From now on, we're gonna do it his way.

This is how we honor Dale."

Words echoed in the numbness of her brain and brought more tears to cascade down her cheeks, the grief still fresh and the wound that Dale's death had given her not patched up.

"Can't believe he's gone."

Wiping her tears away she looked looked her shoulder, acknowledging T-Dog's lingering presence. Samantha couldn't believe he was either, as if his death had been nothing but a horrific dream, except she wasn't able to wake up.

The world had less light in it without his presence.

"That man kept me balanced when I was going through it back at the highway," T-Dog explained, frowning. "That took a lot of patience, and I never really thanked him for that."

"You just did," Samantha said, mustering up a weak smile. "Dale would say something on the lines of i'm not truly gone."

For a second, T-Dog smiled too. "Yeah, he would've," He looked back at the grave. "Girl, not only are you a firecracker, but you're poetic too?"

Samantha tilted her head. "Firecracker?" She repeated.

"Yeah, it's my nickname for you," T-Dog chuckled, grinning now. "It's fits, always throwing fists to anyone who went against you - Firecracker."

It took her a second to realized that T-Dog had been the one that held her back and tried to calm her down each and every time. Whenever Samantha would throw punches, he would be the one to hold them back. "And you were always there, risking getting punched too by holding me back," Samantha noted. "Thank you."

"Can't let that pretty face get all messed up."

"Oh, believe me, it's been messed up pretty bad before." She promised.

They both shared a laugh, their moment together being an improvement to the somber mood.

After their laughter died down she turned back to the grave and crouched, eying the rocks surrounding the dirt. Not truly gone.

Samantha placed The Divine Comedy on the dirt, hoping that him and his wife were reading it somewhere together in a better place.

━━━━━

Samantha caught Carl stomping away from the distance, face angry and full of other emotions that she couldn't read from that far. She felt concern and her role as the godmother kick in, and she made her way over to him, putting a smile on her face.

"Hey little sheriff," Samantha said, matching his pace. "Angry that you haven't caught any outlaws yet?"

Carl stopped, not meeting her eyes. "Have you ever killed anyone before?" His voice was small, but she heard him loud and clear.

"Excuse me?" His question caught her off guard, the concern growing more.

"Nevermind."

He tried to walk away, but Samantha managed to catch his shoulder before he could. "Carl? What's going on?" Her voice was gentle, but it didn't to break into the hard facade he had up. Carl was too young to have such a cold exterior. Something was definitely up.

Samantha grabbed Carl by his chin and he looked up at her, his baby blue eyes filled with a deep sadness. All she saw was Rick in those eyes. "I'm not gonna force you to talk to me," She spoke in a soothing voice. "But I want you to know that you have all my trust and support."

As if something had triggered him he jerked his chin away, his eyes watering up with tears.

"I talked to Shane, about how I took Daryl's gun -"

"You took Daryl's gun?" Samantha gasped. Jesus Christ, Lori was gonna lose her shit.

"- He wanted me to keep it," Carl continued, his voice beginning to crack as tears slid down his face. "Then I-I went to the swamp, and I found a walker. It was the same walker that killed Dale."

Realization dawned upon Samantha and she frowned, kneeling to Carl's level. "Midget, it wasn't your fault. It was just a coincidence-"

"No!" Carl blew up, his face red and her mouth opened in shock. She had experienced his tantrums as a toddler, but nothing like this. "I couldn't kill it! I could've saved Dale! I got scared and r-ran away, Sammy!"

Samantha's heart begin to shatter into a million pieces as she remembered Dale, his last moments on this ruined world. A man who had become her apocalyptic family. It was an image that would forever haunt her. But what scared herthe most was the fact that Carl blamed himself for a death that could not be foreshadowed.

"Carl..."

"I'm going to hell," Carl sobbed. "B-bad people like me go to hell, I'm a monster -"

"Stop that right now!" Samantha grabbed his shoulders and forced him to look into her eyes, a protective emotion overwhelming her. "You are not a monster, okay? The real monsters are the ones that killed Dale, that killed Amy, that killed Jim, killed everyone! You are just a boy."

"I'm going to hell, I'm going to hell." He crooned, his guilt ridden face falling in defeat.

Samantha clenched her jaw to fight off the tears that threatened to spill. She will not let him believe that he's the bad guy. There are worse people out there and her godson is definitely not one of them.

"You're not going to hell, believe me. If there's a hell, I'll be there ahead of you, and they'll be too busy fighting with me to even check you in." She said.

As more sobs continued to shake his body, Samantha brought him into an embrace and he wrapped his arms around her waist, soaking the jacket Glenn had gifted her with his salty tears.

Samantha had sent Carl to his mother and found herself looking for her older brother not long after.

Her dear, stupid, big meathead of a brother.

Shane's face was blank once she finally found him. He was just sitting in his SUV, his eyes clouded with deep thought and contemplation. He didn't even notice Samantha was there until she called out to him, bringing him back down to the cold reality.

Shane's expression slightly softened when he looked at her, but in response she crossed her arms over her chest and sent him a stern gaze. "What?" He questioned. "Am I in trouble?"

Samantha knew he was trying to joke around, but she was far from being humored. "I just ran into Carl," She revealed. At this, Shane looked away and sighed. "He was extremely upset. He thinks he killed Dale."

"I know." Shane rubbed his head.

Samantha paused for a moment as he stepped out of the car, leaning his back against it.

"And you wanted him to keep the gun?" She rose a thin brow. "That's not how you comfort the kid, Shane! He thought he was going to hell by the time I got to him -"

"Look, I don't need anymore bullshit today," His hand rose and the gesture caused annoyance to flutter in her. "I talked to Rick already."

"And?" She pressed.

There was a sarcastic smirk on his face. "Didn't give a flying shit."

Her brows furrowed as she stared at him dubiously, not believing her ears. Rick not giving a shit? Carl was always his first priority and never his last.

Shane noticed her look of doubtfulness, almost a little sad that he expected it from her. "Don't believe me?"

"I didn't say-"

"You didn't have to, because I've seen everyone wear that same look lately. They all look at me like i'm the villain."

There was evident anger he kept barred inside and it was rising like a tsunami wave. Samantha was growing concern by the second, trying to figure out what was going on inside and what was causing it.

"Shane," His name rolled off her tongue gently. "You know I love you."

"But you love Rick more, right?"

His voice had dropped, and for a second She thought she had heard him wrong, but with the look he was giving her - she knew she hadn't.

"He's our best friend, of course I love him," Samantha reasoned, while rubbing her head furiously and worriedly. "Shane, what's going on with you?"

He looked away from his baby sister, the thoughts and his kept away anxieties closing in on him.

"Nothing." But she knew it was a lie.

"You're taking it out of me, so clearly you're okay," I She said sarcastically. "look, you've been acting really -"

He slammed the car door shut violently, the suddenness making her jump back in shock. Shane had anger burning on each and every one of his features, his tsunami wave finally crashing. "How am I acting, huh?" Shane spat harshly.

"I was gonna say different but now you're just acting antagonistic," She snapped, her stare turning into a glare. "This isn't about Carl at all, this is about Rick!"

"So, what if it is?" Shane let out a bitter laugh. "I can't be angry at him?"

"He's your best friend."

He was biting down on his jaw so hard I thought it would break. "But he took everything from me," Shane whispered. "And from the looks of it, he's taking you too."

It finally came out, the sentence that had been taunting him for weeks. He's taking her away too, Shane. He's taking away the last bit of family you have left.

"You wanna know why I didn't push us to leave this group behind?" Shane couldn't look at her, his dark eyes hard as they stared at the ground, realizing that everything that he worried about - was probably coming true. "Because I knew how much you loved them, and I couldn't bring myself to take that away from you," He brought his hands together, wrapping themselves in one big shaky fist. "But maybe that was a mistake, and i'm starting to see that now."

Samantha's eyes went round as they stared at him in shock."No one is taking me away, Shane," She assured. "I'm your sister, your responsibility - remember?"

Shane Walsh wasn't what looked up at her. It was something that disguised itself in his bones and wore his skin, the coffee colored eyes that were once his now dark and haunting.

"You're right, because I won't let that happen." His voice was deathly low, like a calm before the storm.

Samantha was deeply unsettled, but as she searched every detail of him to look for him, she became extremely worried. Shane was her only brother after all - her only living flesh and blood, and no matter what she'll always be fearful for him. No matter what she'll be by his side.

"Won't let what happen, big brother?"

But he never answered her, and she was too afraid to ask again.

━━━━━

Nathan and Andrea walked side by side, coming back from the RV after trying to help Glenn Rhee maintain it. He was struggling with Dale's death and he broke down in tears, saying that he had let him down. If anything, Nathan had let Dale down the most. The older man had so much hope for him, but he crushed that right in front of his very eyes. That was as clear as day.

The RV was still hard to look at after the passing of Dale. Despite their differences, he genuinely liked a the old man. He tried reaching out to Nathan even when there was no hope for him. He was one of the good guys.

But like all the good that existed, it was sucked up by a black abyss.

Andrea had this distant look on her face. Her occurrence with Glenn had affected her too. "Don't worry, you didn't let him down either." Nathan assured.

Andrea sent him a small smile, but it was quickly replaced by disgust as the smoke spread towards her and filled up her nose. "How can you smoke that?" She asked, waving away the fumes.

A smirk formed, the cigarette hanging from his lips.
"Because we die either way." Nathan spoke, pulling the cigarette away and blowing out a cloud into the crispy air.

Andrea was about to say something that was probably sarcastic, but she stopped when she noticed Shane stalking towards them.

Nathan followed her gaze and he heaved a large breath out of his body.

"Shane." She greeted.

His eyes barely met hers before they fell on Nathan. "I need to talk to you," He finally acknowledged Andrea's presence. "Alone."

Looking offended, Andrea glanced at the soldier for support but he merely shrugged. Her grayish blues rolled and she finally left them.

"What do you want?" Nathan demanded.

"You trust me, right?"

Nathan thought about it for a moment. There were times where is had been questioned, but the two had gone through a lot together - hell, they were partners in crime.

Nathan nodded.

"I have a plan," Shane rushed. "I don't belong here. I'm gonna take Randall and I'm gonna leave - join his group."

Nathan tilted his head, processing this information before finally deciding that he didn't buy his bullshit. He would never leave Lori or Carl, especially Samantha. Never Samantha

"I don't believe that for a second," Nathan grunted, removing the cigarette from his dry lips. "You wouldn't leave Sam, and you're too fucking obsessed with Lori-"

"Man, you leave her out of this," Shane growled, his mood drastically darkening. "Sam," His expression then went soft. "She's better off without me. I'm hurting her and I can't watch that anymore."

"Your ass must be so jealous of all that shit that just came out of your mouth," Nathan dropped the cigarette, stepping on the stick with his boot. "You know damn well that Sam needs you as much as she needs the air to breathe,"

Shane didn't say anything.

"You hate Randall, and if possible you hate his group even more, let's be realistic here," Nathan took a step closer until their faces were only inches apart. "What are you really planning on doing, deputy Walsh?"

Shane stared at him for a second, his dark eyes searching Nathan's grey ones before he sighed, rubbing his head.

"Rick ain't built for this world, a-and I," Shane paused, deep breaths leaving his nose. "I got a plan, a plan that's gonna make everything better,"

The cop looked dangerous and foreboding. "He's gonna take them away from me, man," His voice was a whisper now. "And now, he's taking Sammy away from me, and I can't lose her-"

Nathan's body went cold as the realization seeped in. It didn't take rocket science to figure out what Shane was suggesting. "You're gonna kill Rick?" His eyes were wide now. "Your best friend? Your brother?"

Shane didn't respond to that, but his silence was enough of an answer.

"I need you. I know what happened with Randall, and I know how much you want him dead." Andrea had told Shane. No one else known but her and Nathan, and he felt a sense of betrayal.

Finally getting rid of Randall poked and prodded at Nathan greatly. Once he was killed, it was as if it was justice to every girl his group had taken advantage of - and Nathan would be the cause of it.

The downside was Rick.

Nathan had nothing against him - he was a natural born leader who actually cared about each and every survivor in the group like he would do with his own kin. He had always respected Rick.

But he had the chance to kill Randall.

Before he could even think about accepting the offer, a familiar voice spoke before him, both gentle and wise,

"A young man once told me that this world didn't need a hero, but what it truly needed was a monster," Nathan could even see his eyes staring at him. "it's never too late to change that."

His fists curled, his face going hard. His desire for blood whispered to him, but the voice of Dale was even greater, a trigger to the wilting goodness that was buried deep inside of Nathan.

Even in death, Dale still got into his head.

"I'm not going to take part in the murder of Rick Grimes, that ain't me." The soldier spoke, backing away from him.

"Randall-"

"We have too many monsters in this world, I would just be overcrowding it," Nathan cut him off. "You're on your own."

Shane's dark eyes watched him, processing his words, the bitter darkness growing. Laughter escaped his lips.

"You acting all high and mighty, but you ain't any better than me," He leaned in, mouth next to ear. "You're batshit crazy, a shell of a person,"

He pulled back, and the two locked eyes.

The same looked that Nathan had seen on Shane so many times when nobody was looking was back.

"You've killed more people than me, and you have the nerve to look at me like i'm the monster?"

The silence was deafening between them, two partners in crime now opposing forces in each other's stories, but the question was - who was the true villain?

He knew Shane was right, and maybe that was Nathan's answer; the truth.

"Am I a monster? Yes, I am," Nate swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. "but at least I am still more fucking human than you will ever be,"

He took a step back. The look on Shane's face would've been frightening to the average person.

But luckily Nathan was no average person.

"You're the architect of your own downfall, Shane, and I won't be pulled down with you."

Nathan watched Shane for a second before walking away, not only leaving him but the alliance they had formed through their sins.

There was a part of him that felt bad for the cop. In a way, Nathan can even relate to him.

Shane Walsh was just a tragedy disguised as savagery. The world had made him into a weapon and had expected him to still come out human.

He was truly just a result of the circumstances they were all placed into.

Poor Sam Nathan begin to think about his best friend, Shane's dear baby sister. Poor Sam.

She was fine, but her brother - he had fell into himself and drowned.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟnote

i used to hate shane when i first watched the show but as i grew older i saw a different perspective and it makes me big emo

words ; 3196
edited ; ✔️