CHAPTER FORTY SEVEN,
changed

Nathan was all too familiar with pain.

It was a curse that has been his companion ever since he could remember, a cruel second layer of skin. Death and the sorrows of life has been the birthing of such, and he had yet to know what it felt like to be free of a sort.

He thought he had finally found that freedom after Woodbury, but it seemed to be a dream, a dream he refused to deny. He hasn't always been this delusional, but being exhausted for a real long time can make you believe things. The brutal winter left him desperate, left him hopeless, and had caused him to lose a little faith in God.

He hasn't prayed in a long time.

But as soon as he stepped into Woodbury, he let the idea of a home swallow him whole. He started hoping, he started believing, he started to become old, pre-Nathan Barton again.

But as soon as Samantha Walsh died, he realized the town hadn't been his home after all - it had been her.

Ever since Merle Dixon has told him and the Governor her fate, he's never felt this sick and this mournful - not since his dad, not since Jason. It left him feeling hopeless, like there was no life after all and he was just in a limbo like state of depression. It felt like something had been taken from him, and that had been his best friend, the person he loved and wanted to protect more than anything.

She was gone, but he was still there, barely.

The fact that he was aware that it was his fault made it feel even worse. He had betrayed her, had thrown her to wolves and let her be eaten alive. It made his skin crawl and make him feel so utterly ill. He had fucked up, big time, and now Samantha was dead because of him.

He knew there was more to the story - he had saw it in her eyes, but it was a story without words or clue, just there. That reason made him angry as well, and not just towards himself, but towards the Governor. His sympathy made him feel sick for some reason, and no matter how stupid and shitty Nathan's actions could be, he was observant. The Army didn't give him that, but life did.

Without eyes, you're blind to your surroundings. Observation was his eyes. It made him aware.

There was more to the Governor, and for that Nathan was more cautious and more watchful.

And it took Samantha's death to finally realize that.

He hasn't left his apartment since she died. He should've left Woodbury the moment everything happened, but he knew the second he walked out, he wouldn't care what would happen to him, he wouldn't care if a horde of walkers ate him - but he didn't.

Andrea was the very person that made him stay.

She's made sure to be there every second, yet her comfort would never be enough, but to know that someone was genuinely there for him made him feel a tiny bit better. Her presence however, didn't protect him from the nightmares or the episodes he's went through. A thousand apologies could never fix what he's done. He deserved every bit of it.

The sound of his cabinets being thrown open made his head hurt, his stomach aching for food but he refused to deliver. He doesn't know when the last time he had any food, but to hell with it all.

"Eggs," He heard Andrea's voice carry from the kitchen. "I can cook eggs, or-"

"Not hungry."

Nathan heard her push a out a long sigh, and walk into the front room. There she stood, hands on her hips with a stern look crossing her features.

"Am I going to have to force food down your throat?" She asked. "You're going to starve yourself, and Sam wouldn't-"

Andrea stopped herself as soon as the name left her lips, frowning. Nathan felt his heart break all again, pursing his lips to hide the quiver of them and looking away. The blonde sat next to him and watched him for a second, observing him.

"I was the same way when Amy died," She spoke, her voice going soft. Nathan's stomach turned at the mention of the long deceased sister, a memory popping up of what they used to be. "The CDC was just the turning point, and after-"

"After Dale took away your choice." Nathan interrupted flatly.

Andrea was silent for a moment, but the soldier could see that the once wise old man still affected her even months after his death. Nathan still felt guilty about him too.

"Amy wouldn't want that for me, she would want what's best. I pulled myself together on the farm, toughened up."

Nathan felt sick again, churning his insides and making him want to vomit. What was supposed to be good advice, made him feel worse because he remembered what had happened after he followed Keri into that building.

"The difference between Amy and Sammy is that she loved you in her final moments," He said after a moment. "But Sammy hated me in hers. If you only saw that look she gave me, if you knew..."

"Nate." Andrea sighed.

He looked at the blonde. She didn't know the whole story, she just knew that Samantha went haywire and that she died, and that it was his fault. He didn't have the strength to tell her the whole story, because if he did he would breakdown and that would show weakness.

They were silent for a few moments, just watching one another, relating to each other yet at the same time being very different. She wanted to help him, but it would never be enough. Maybe it was because of what he's done to the person who was there for him the most, or maybe because it wasn't her.

There was so many unspoken words and feelings Nathan hadn't told Samantha, and now he never will. It was just another thing that added onto the weight of his shoulders.

Suddenly there was a knocking at the door, and Andrea peered at him one last time before going over. The voice that came from the hallway made him lift up his head and look over quizzically.

"He doesn't want to see anyone, Philip," She stated, and from his spot on the sofa he could slightly see the tall figure of the Governor.

"Let him in, Andrea."

Nathan was surprised at his voice and she was even more surprised that he wanted to see anyone. Looking back at the leader of Woodbury she made some space and he slipped in, a fresh gauze over what's left of his ear and sympathy flashing in his eyes.

Again, Nathan felt ill.

"Can you give us some privacy?" The Governor asked.

Andrea furrowed her brows, looking at the soldier and he nodded. After she left, the Governor turned to him.

"Is this the right time?"

Nathan rose a brow, his gray's meeting his pale blues with question. "Is it ever the right time?"

The Governor watched him for a moment, before stepping further into the front room and stopping at the coffee table.

"I understand your pain," He began, and Nathan restrained an eye roll and averted his gaze. "When I lost my wife and then my daughter, it was hell - but keeping yourself locked in your apartment and killing yourself won't bring her back, she wouldn't want this for you."

Nathan narrowed his eyes. "You wouldn't know what she wanted."

"I know that she cared about you."

She hated me Was what he wanted to say back.

"Why are you here, man?" Nathan asked instead, not caring if his voice was pushed out harsh. "You aren't exactly a therapist, so just spit it out."

"We need you out there, I need you. There's things that need to be done, and I hate to see one of my best men hurt himself over something that wasn't exactly in his control."

Nathan couldn't swallow down his scoff. "I'm not exactly in the mood to be your dog right now, I need time and," The burning of his eyes made him pause, breathing in heavily through his nostrils and running a hand over his face. He didn't want to cry. "Can you just please leave me alone?"

The Governor seemed to understand, looking at the ground before turning away and heading towards the door. However, he stopped at the threshold and looked over his shoulder.

"Do you know anybody by the name of Glenn?"

Nathan's brain paused, the image of a very familiar Asian appearing in his head and making his body go still. He couldn't speak for a second, just gazing at the Governor with blinking eyes and parting lips.

Glenn Rhee.

And finally, his brain began to function again and he nodded his head.

━━━━━

During the long and silenced drive, Samantha Walsh realized a few things.

With the avoidance of being reminded of her very painful loses, she's become very observant and quiet. It welcomed her with a new perspective of the world, seeing things that no one else saw, things that even Daryl saw.

It made her acknowledge how much of a gift and a curse it is.

She's realized the looks that people were giving her before she left the prison and even during the ride. She could see the sympathy, but they were also looking at her in hesitation as if she was a time bomb, a small spark of fire that was ready to become something bigger.

She's also noticed how purposely distant Rick has become, a man who she would thought would welcome her with warmth but instead gave her coldness. Every time she tried to catch his eye, he only avoided her questioning gaze.

It made her feel strange. She would never hurt her group, yet why did they look at her as if she was dangerous?

Why did Rick avoid her?

The car was turned onto the side of a deserted road, and they all hopped out with a man she barely knew yet only of his name, Oscar, held the door open for her.

She was briefly told that when they were clearing out the prison they stumbled on some prisoners that survived through the shitty apocalypse for months and didn't even know that the world turned upside down.

When she was told that, she felt envious for some reason.

Apparently there was more, but they caused trouble and Rick took them out. Samantha thought Oscar was cool, but she hadn't met the other yet.

Michonne followed her out with Daryl trailing behind. Their eyes briefly connected and she looked away, but she could feel him still watching her.

She instead found herself peering at the dark skinned woman, and they met each other's silent gazes.

Despite the two women knowing that they could handle theirselves, they still nonverbally agreed that they wouldn't let anything happen to one another. It was something that created some form of a bond that brought them close.

Samantha herself was happy with that. She thought Michonne was badass.

They continued on foot after the older woman mentioning that it would be a mile or two, and despite that not being so far to Samantha in reality, she knew it was going to be different. The thought of going back to Woodbury and seeing Philip made unwanted memories play through her head like her own personal theater.

It made her want to curl herself up into a ball and away from the world.

The second Nathan's face popped up, she shut that all down and ignored the twisting of the lingering betrayal and pushed forward, hoping no one saw the internal war.

Daryl did, however. He couldn't stop watching her.

As Samantha fell into step with Michonne and Oscar, he stayed back with Rick and kept his eyes forward, which happened to be the back of her head.

It frustrated him that he couldn't read her so easily anymore.

"I know what you did for me, for my baby while I was..." Rick paused momentarily, trying to find the right words. "While I was workin' things out. Thank you."

Daryl pulled his eyes away to glance at him. "It's what we do."

He could see that Rick was wanting to say something else, his gaze also falling on the head of the Walsh adult.

"I appreciate you not sayin' anything either," His voice fell into a low whisper. "But I'm going to tell her, we just need to get this done first."

The redneck glanced at him again, calculating him. He could see Rick was being genuine, but he could also see the clear guilt and hesitation. He had every right to be. If Shane and Samantha were alike, it was probably their impulsive temper.

By telling her the full truth, Rick would be hurting her even more and perhaps driving her over the edge. They both knew that, and they both didn't want either of those things.

Daryl still took his word and continued forward.

Growling met the group's ears and senses went on high alert. "Down!" Rick ordered in a hiss, bending to the ground. It had become obvious that the snarls and growls had multiplied, meaning there was more than just the one. "Formation. No gunfire."

Samantha pulled the sword from the holster that was strapped across her back, gripping the handle in her shaky hands as walkers came into her view. She hasn't mastered the skill of using it, but she's slowly learning.

She looked at Daryl as he lifted the crossbow in his hands, his shoulder brushing past hers and taking one walker that had gotten too close. The ex convict from besides her took out another with an ax, while both her and the other woman watched.

They were like scorpions with their weapons being their curled up, venomous tails, threatening to inflict and oppose.

"There's too many of 'em." Daryl spoke, the dead continuing to grow all around them.

A snarl sounded from behind and immediately Samantha whirled around, dragging her sword and stabbing it into a walker's head.

"This way!"

The corpse fell to her feet and she followed the rest, leaves crunching from below her hurried steps and her bullet wound denying her painful as she winced through her teeth.

A cabin came into view and they continued forward, making their ways inside. "Get the door!" Rick threw another demand, and Michonne was the one to close it.

"Keep it down. Keep it down."

Samantha was still a little weak, but knowing Glenn and Maggie weren't safe was the fuel that kept her going. She leaned against a wall with sweat running down her bruised face, trying to keep her breaths from being as loud as possible but it only made her wound hurt even more.

That's when the stench finally hit her.

Samantha frowned at the smell, gazing around the cabin with guarded eyes and pulling herself from the wall. It truly smelled like something died, and she hoped whatever it was wasn't undead.

"That smell, it's loud." Daryl spoke, covering his nose with the same hand that held his blade.

Something flew in front of her and she gasped, swatting into the darkness.

She moved forward, swallowing at the sight of the swarms of flies around a dead animal that laid across a blanket. She could feel Daryl's figure next to hers again, shining a flashlight across the carcass.

"What the hell is that?" Oscar questioned.

"It's gotta be a fox, or what's left of one."

Samantha peered closer and sadness washed over her, realizing it was nothing but a dead dog.

"I guess Lassie went home."

She whipped her head towards the redneck and glowered. "That's not funny." She spoke, and he merely shrugged at her response.

The sound of walkers piling against the door made her forget of the situation as the group turned to greet the alerting noise. Samantha backed away and turned around, only to be met with what looked to be a bed and the lump under it.

She moved closely, her hand hovering over her gun and her other tightening around the handle of her sword. Something underneath made her want all the protection to surround her.

As soon as her hands fell on the rough fabrics she was shoved back and her ass met the wooden floor painfully. Her sword flew from her grasps and the sight of the crazed looking man made her immediately pull out her pistol in self defense.

"Who the hell are you!?" He screamed, the barrel of his gun glaring down at her. Samantha aimed her own, the thought of being shot again making her breathe deeply and fear to burn her eyes.

"I need you to lower the gun," Rick spoke from behind her, his hands up in surrender and doing everything to keep the man from pulling the trigger. "We'll leave, but not right now."

"Now!"

Michonne said something, but Samantha was too focused on the man and how close the weapon was to her. With how the gun was being aimed, she knew that if he were to shoot her the bullet would be more fatal. She had been in Death's clutches before, and the only way she had escaped was by fighting with every inch of her.

"Become the result that they created, show them hell."

She was not some meek creature to be screwed with, nor was she a helpless victim. She was a survivor, a Walsh, and she refused for her fire to be extinguished.

If this world meant to be ruthless, she was going to be fucking wretched.

The calming voice of Rick was drowned out by her determination as she slipped her hand into her boot and gripped her dagger. With a single raising of her pistol and a quick steady aim, the trigger was pulled and the loud wail from the man met her ears.

Becoming distracted with a bullet being lodged into his knee, she immediately lurched forward and dove the dagger into his neck. She kept digging, the blood oozing, the fear in his widening eyes meeting her own.

He was squirming, trying to throw her off but Samantha was stronger, choking and spluttering inaudible words and clawing at her body and hair, but she kept pushing.

And finally his movements stopped and his eyes became vacant. She had watched the life leave him just as she did with Keri.

She pulled the weapon and more blood sprayed, the warmth meeting her face but she only watched as his body fell backward and onto the bed. She watched, dazed.

She was too busy remembering.

Samantha could faintly see James and Keri, all watching her with the same fading look, and with each image there was red. It was the color she had spilled, the color that had become a shade in her life.

When had she become so used to causing such a thing to appear?

She didn't like how comfortable she had become with red painting her skin, nor she didn't like how calm she had become with taking life.

Where there's life, there's hope.

But she could not see any hope in the life she had come across, only specks of red. She remembered a phrase that had combatted with her own once upon a time ago, something that fought against her beliefs.

Where there's life, there's destruction.

And perhaps, now that she was starting to believe that, she knew that she had truly changed.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟnote

i'm so sorry that it took me so long to publish another chapter. life has been stressful and crazy for me, but i'm back so that's good.

tbh i was going to hold out from publishing this chapter, but with what's happening in the world today i decided to publish it for that reason so i could use the attention that i get for this book and direct it towards with what's going on.

if you haven't seen it already, there's a petition in my bio and if you click on it you will find so many ways to help the movement. please don't miss it.

you are the change that this world needs, each and every one of you, and with that you are so fucking powerful. the people who don't have equality need all the support and most importantly love. we can bring justice to the injustice if we all work together.

remember their names. love one another. spread awareness. support. educate.

you are the difference this world needs.

words ; 3465
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