**TW: Depression, mental health discussion, homophobia**

FOR THE NEXT FEW weeks, Gabriel and Nathaniel often found themselves sneaking out after work together. Sometimes, it was a date. Other times, it was to tangle with each other at Nathaniel's house, kissing, reaching, grabbing, moaning. Once the pair had crossed the barrier of going out on a real date, they began to cross more. Gabriel fell deeper and harder with every kiss, groan, thrust. But, with every motion, every touch, every action, all Gabriel could picture afterward was Isabel's cold, condescending stare, and all he could feel was a sinking weight in his gut.

The guilt was beginning to take it's toll. Some days he didn't eat. Some days, he called in sick for work, doing nothing but cocoon in his bed, begging that Isabel would just leave him alone; for the most part, she did. Those days were the worst. He felt like he was drowning from the inside out, devoid of any energy or motivation.

It's been there in the back of Gabriel's mind since he was a teenager. The rejection from his parents for his sexuality was a catalyst; they were and still are catholics, and Gabriel's bisexuality was sin. Once word got out at school of his sexuality after a student had overheard Gabriel's parents talking to their parents about his 'deviancy', he went to an incredibly dark and lonely place. Once he was old enough, he moved out and found a place as far as he could from his parents, living paycheck to paycheck until he became a firefighter. He went no-contact, but as he began to get therapy after meeting Isabel and going on anti-depressants, he very, very slowly developed boundaries with his parents and was trying to repair his relationship with them. He never did tell Isabel why he had a rough relationship with his parents; he was worried she would reject him the same way they did. She was still happy that he wanted to fix things with them though, and was supportive despite the walls Gabriel had put up. Maybe that's why he married her. After all, he did at some point love Isabel and did want kids, and he wanted those kids to have a relationship with their future grandparents. They did not deserve it, but that potential child did. 

But once Isabel turned on him and began being an even worse variant of the people he had escaped, all that hard work undoing his trauma was destroyed. Any thought of a child vanished in his head, and all he could manage with his parents was the occasional awkward text chat that basically confirmed to his parents that he was still alive and that he was still working. 

Soon afterward, the therapist he was seeing moved to another state, and he was stranded. His therapist recommended a few others to take over his sessions with Gabriel, but he never clicked with them quite like he did with his first therapist. 

For so long, Gabriel was by himself. Then, Nathaniel came along, and unintentionally began helping.

A few weeks after their first epic date, Gabriel stayed the night at Nathaniel's. It was late; Gabriel hadn't intended on staying, but he had a little too much wine (that Nathaniel had stocked up on after seeing Gabriel enjoy the hell out of it) and figured it was best to crash with him rather than crash his car. He told Isabel he was at a friend's, much to her annoyance, but she bought the lie. She gloated about finally having the house to herself without having to worry about him ruining the mood with his mental instability. 

He was gutted, to say the least. He never understood how she went from understanding his depression to resenting him for it.

The pair crawled into Nathaniel's queen bed, Gabriel resting his head on Nathaniel's chest. Nathaniel had put on Futurama, his favourite comfort TV show, after Gabriel told him he had never watched a single episode before. A few episodes had passed, and the story helped him forget about Isabel. Mostly. 

The light nature of the show let Gabriel see a new side of Nathaniel, a pure and innocent side. It reminded him of the shows he used to watch when he was a kid, sitting in his parent's loungeroom, flipping between Fireman Sam or Courage The Cowardly Dog.  He really loved this side of Nathaniel. As Nathaniel talked about Fry, Leela, Bender, and the trivia tidbits he learned about the show after extensive rewatches, Gabriel couldn't help but marvel at the man. 

For the past few weeks, Gabriel had been learning a lot about Nathaniel. Half of his apartment was covered in painting supplies, easels and half-completed canvases shoved into a corner. The other half, meanwhile, was pristinely clean, devoid of any stains or dirt or dust. He loved keeping his place tidy, but when he was in an artistic mood, that clean demeanour went out the window. 

He kept half of his spoons next to the fridge in a plastic cup (his cutlery draw is on the opposite end of the kitchen) because he always forgets to get one when he eats ice cream. He loved Aboriginal art, many frames covering the walls of his apartment. Some sad plants sat in dry pots in a corner of his bedroom, Nathaniel insisting that they were still alive. Gabriel knew better. He always dusted his feet before he got into bed, even if he had just vacuumed, and he seemed to exclusively wear track pants at home, even if the weather outside would normally make Gabriel burn on the sidwalk like butter on the surface of the sun. Maybe his lack of pyjama shirts balanced his temperature. 

So when Gabriel had begun speaking that night, he knew that it was fair for Nathaniel to learn a lot about him too. Up until this point, they had only talked about light stuff, the fun stuff. Nothing deep. Plus, a scene in the show acted as a segway into the conversation. He wanted to open up.

Before meeting Nathaniel, Gabriel never really talked about his mental health with anyone. The friends in his life were acquaintances at best, none close enough for Gabriel to justify confiding his deepest emotions with. The most he would share was with his captain, as his emotions could affect his judgement during incidents. But, with Nathaniel, the words fell out of him so naturally, it was like he was talking to an old friend. Nathaniel cared, he understood, he wanted to know more. And that simple act of being seen and heard was enough for Gabriel to convince himself that Nathaniel wouldn't push him away like Isabel eventually did.

When he told Nathaniel about his depression, he never made Gabriel feel any different after the revelation. He paused the show, listened as Gabriel told him about what his parents did and his hellish highschool experience, and when Gabriel was done, Nathaniel kissed him gently on the forehead and asked him if he was feeling okay now. Gabriel expected him to turn into this protector, this saviour person that wanted nothing more than to fix Gabriel. Nathaniel didn't do that. Gabriel said he was okay at the moment; Nathaniel smiled, thanked Gabriel for opening up about it (earning him a little bit of teasing) before the two settled back into watching TV, Nathaniel absentmindedly playing with Gabriel's hair. Gabriel returned the thank you with a nuzzling into the groove in Nathaniel's neck, gently pecking the sensitive skin below his jaw, which lead to more tender kisses and cuddling. 

At work, Nathaniel began to notice his coping mechanisms, realising that a lot of his behaviour stemmed from it. Nathaniel saw that he was more jovial at work, more sociable, less himself. After incidents happened at the station, or when he noticed he was overly masking, he always checked in on him and asked if there was anything he needed to make him feel better. Some days he was fine, but when Gabriel would feel really bad, all he would ask for was to be held. Holding his hand was enough for most of the time, something both parties were okay with given the situation of their relationship, but sometimes he really needed to be held, in his arms, regrounded. Nathaniel would lead him away from everyone and just embrace him, gently asking if he could do anything more. Gabriel would just respond with a tighter hug, which Nathaniel always returned. 

More time passed. Nathaniel's physical examination was a mere few weeks away. He had a psychological and a medical test, but Nathaniel wasn't worried about them in the slightest. He trained almost every day, under the help of Gabriel, who would motivate him with promises of kissing and dates and beautiful sexcapades. He kept every single promise. 

But, two weeks before Nathaniel's series of tests, Gabriel lied awake in his bed, Isabel soundly asleep next to him, drenched in sweat. Nathaniel's affection was beginning to lose its numbing effect. He couldn't tell the difference between the guilt and the depression anymore; it was all lumped into one hulkling amalgamous ball in Gabriel's body, and it was becoming unbearable to carry.

Sweat rolled down from his forehead into his hair, which had begun curling from the humidity emanating from him. His pillow was drenched. He knew he couldn't keep this up anymore. Gabriel needed to leave Isabel. But, how?

He casted his eyes over her sleeping figure. Divorcing her would make things easier for him and Nathaniel, but he knew deep down it wasn't that simple. He knew that Nathaniel would catch wind of his divorce; Gabriel is basically a celebrity, and gossip spreaks as fast as the wildfires he puts out. How was he going to keep his divorce under wraps, while still going out with Nathaniel? 

Dehydrated, he got out of bed. Gabriel went to the kitchen, fixing himself an icy glass of water, before returning to the room with a towel to sleep on top of. He took a nervous sip, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

He knew what he had to do, he just didn't want to accept it. Not yet, anyway. 

As he layed on top of the dry cloth, he fought the thoughts that plagued his head at the idea of Nathaniel. Voices told him that this what was coming was inevitable, that the relationship was doomed from the start, but he tried to drown them out as best he could.

He didn't want to entertain the posibillity he would need to break up with Nathaniel to spare his feelings. After all, it had only been a month and a half since Nathaniel had awkwardly popped that question at the end of their first date. It was too soon. Far too soon. Surely, there's another way.

Sleep came eventually. Nothing but heartbreaking nightmares filled his night.

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Hey hey! Don't forget to leave a comment and a vote if you're enjoying the story so far. Let me know what you think of this chapter by leaving an in-line comment here.

Random inquiry: is my depiction of depression coming across as genuine? I've done so much research online, talked to people with it, read stories with characters that have it, and I'm so worried I'm romanticising it. What are your honest thoughts, criticisms, or praise? I'd love to hear it. 

Much love,
J.S x