Chapter 31

Turn Back

I stopped when he held my hand tight. We were now in the parking lot of the bar. The night wind touches my skin but it wasn't the reason why I feel cold.

"Fuck that, why can't we be?" his voice sounds mad and tired at the same time.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako lalayo. He was in front of me again, after I left him years ago. He came to me willingly, is this kind of a test or a temptation? Pag subok ba ito na kailangan kong malampasan?

"What are you doing here?"

"I told you I'm gonna find  you," he said straight.

"Aren't you mad at me?" I said trying to sound irritated by him but the truth is I'm craving to hug him again.

"I am! When you were not in front of me. But now that you're here, all the anger vanished. I just want to take you back," he said calmly.

"You can't!"

"Why can't I?" he asked frustrated.

"Saturn please," pakiusap ko sa kanya.

He just laughed sarcastically and looked at me like he couldn't believe me.

"Don't you love me, do you?"

Para akong mauubusan ng hangin ng sabihin niya iyon. Lalo lang akong nanlalamig at halos hindi na s'ya matitigan pabalik. If only I could tell him that I love him more than I know. That I never felt this before and that he made me so scared of losing him completely.

"Please stay away from me."

Iyon pa lang ang nasasabi ko ay para na akong mauubusan ng lakas. Kailangan kong sabihin iyon kahit pa gustong gusto ko na andito s'ya. Gustong gusto ko s'yang yakapin pero hindi ko magawa.

"You don't really want me here? Right, that's why you left me that night after we made love."

Napapikit ako ng marinig iyon sa kanya, parang dinudurog ang puso ko sa sakit na nakikita ko sa mga mata n'ya. 

"Please stop this now," my tears fall down as I said that.

"How can I stop, Zita? Can you please tell me how to stop this burning feeling that I feel for you."

"You deserve someone else, Saturn."

"How come I deserve someone else when I couldn't be deserving of you?" he asked, his eyes bloodshot trying to hold his tears.

"It wasn't like that. I-I don't deserve you Saturn. I ruined your life when your brother died because of me. I know I will only remind you that and I don't want that to happen," tuloy tuloy din ang luha ko.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I don't care anymore? That the only important now is that I love you! Can't we focus on us baby? Please," he asked as he walked forward to close our distance. 

"No! Why can't you just be mad again, I tricked you! I left without saying anything."

I can't do what you want, baby. I can't be selfish again, Saturn.

"I can't understand why you don't believe me when I told you that my love is deeper than the pain you've caused in me. I forgive you for leaving me after we made love."

Umiling ako sa sinabi n'ya. Naniniwala ko, gustong gusto kong tanggapin ang pag mamahal n'ya pero hindi ko magawa. Natatakot ako na mawala s'ya. Hindi ko na kayang mag patuloy kung pati s'ya mapapahamak dahil sa akin. 

"I don't need that, I don't want any of that."

I tried to sound strong but I failed, it only sound like I was convincing myself that I don't want his love.

"Why can't you admit it? You love me Zita, I just don't understand why you can't accept us."

"Because I can't, Saturn."

"Then how can you give yourself to me that night? How can you make love to me?" he asked as he caressed my face to wipe my tears away.

Because I love you Saturn. And that night I wanted to make you feel my love.

"You love me," he said surely.

Hindi ako nag salita. Patuloy lang sa pag titig sa mga mata n'yang malungkot.

"You love me baby, why can't you admit it?" he whispered and I felt his lips against mine.

He kissed me deep and slowly. He pulled me closer to him and kissed me more. I couldn't stop myself from kissing him back. His lips claiming mine. He seems to feel so lost and now that he's here kissing me, he feels like he shouldn't let go of me. 

I feel the same way, seeing and feeling him fills the gap that I have since I left him that night. But I shouldn't gave in. I won't do good in him, I will only be a burden to him.

He stopped and stared at me. His forehead on mine, we were both breathing heavily after that shared kiss.

"Say that you love me, please. Give us a chance baby."

"I can't."

Sagot ko sa kanya kahit pa sa loob ko ay ilang beses ko ng sinabi na mahal ko s'ya. I want the best for him and I'm far from that. I will only drag him down and he doesn't deserve that. I am not deserving of his nor anyone's love.

Lumayo s'ya sa akin at umiwas ng tingin, gusto kong bawiin lahat pero alam kong ito ang tama kaya nanatili akong nakatitig sa kanya.

"Say that you don't love me," he looked at me after saying that with his bloodshot eyes.

Gusto ko na lang biglang maglaho sa harapan niya. Gusto kong tumakbo palayo dahil hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang sabihin iyon.

"Say it and I'll leave you," he said it as if he's challenging me to say it.

I shook my head at him as I tired to stop myself from crying.

"You can't even say that you don't love me, so why are you not admitting it? Why did you left after proving your love for me?" frustration was all over his face.

I bit my lower lip as I console myself in the inside for the idea that I am planning to do. If only I could allow myself to be free. If only I didn't lose my father and my best friend maybe I wouldn't be stepping back. If only I wouldn't be a burden to Saturn then I'd gladly take him whole. 

"T-that was a mistake," I couldn't look at him directly as I said that.

"No. Don't say that. I know you love me, what's making you scared baby? Tell me please. Don't say that it was a mistake, we shared our love that night. Please take back what you said," he tried to reach out for me but I stepped back. I can see so much pain in his eyes.

"Stop. C-can't you understand? I r-regret what happened that night."

I said that looking straight at him. I didn't know where I get the courage and strength to say it and make it sound true but in my inside, I can literally feel how my heart aches.

He was taken a back for what I said and God knows how much I wanted to take back what I said. It was a lie, I never regret every moment that we shared. I will never feel that. 

"This was my last hope. This was my only chance, I was hoping you'd still be that someone who gave me courage. This was my last card, my only faith but I guess I was wrong when I taught my love can take away what's stopping you from giving us a chance. I was wrong when I taught like you, I can be the person who can mend all the broken pieces. I-I'm sorry for thinking that my love is enough to take away the pain that my revenge has caused you."

Lalo ko lang gustong bawiin ang sinabi ko dahil sa narinig sa kanya. I was his hope but I let him down. I was his faith but I turn my back on him. I wanted to take back all the lies I've said to him.

"My brother was right, you were never hard to love but I have to get through heaven and hell to keep you with me. He was right when he said, you can tame me but I can never tame you."

Muling lumandas ang mga luha ko, malungkot siyang ngumiti sa akin tsaka mahinang tumawa kahit pa naging tunog malungkot iyon.

"Don't cry please. You have no reason to shed a tear for me, you don't love me and you regret everything that we did. I'm sorry I couldn't give you back what I have taken."

Umiwas siya ng tingin sa akin at tsaka ulit pilit na tumawa.

"Go back to your friends, I won't bother you anymore. Be happy, Miss."

After that he turned his back on me. There was no strength left, nanghihina ako habang tinitingnan siyang nag lalakad palayo sa akin. He never looked back, even when he entered his car and drive away. I was barely standing on my own, I feel like anytime my knees would gave in but I didn't mind anymore. Why does it have to be this hard and painful? 

Why is protecting him hurt this bad?