Chapter 29

Pain

My heart pounded as I look at the gift, I couldn't help but think of him. That gesture reminds me of him.

"Put it on my table," utos ko sa sekretarya ko tsaka tumuloy sa pag pasok sa studio 1.

My heart beats fast but I still manage to remain my composure. Pinaghalong kaba, takot at pag asa ang nararamdaman ko. Para bang hindi ko kayang patagalin ang hindi makita iyon pero pinipigil ang sarili dahil sa sobra sobrang emosyon.

Why would he give me a gift right? Sabi ni Tony ay abala s'ya sa pag tatrabaho. Kahit isang beses ay wala naman itong nabanggit na hinahanap ako kaya imposibleng manggaling iyon sa kanya diba?

Nakatulala lang ako sa mga estudyante kahit na hindi naman sila napagtutuunan ng pansin. Hindi pa din mawala sa isip ko ang bulaklak at box na iyon.

Bumalik na lang ako sa office matapos ang ilang oras na hindi naman nagawang pag tuunan ang mga routines ng students. Agad pansin sa lamesa ko ang regalo na hindi ko pa alam kung saan nanggaling.

Tiningnan ko iyon at agad na hinanap kung kanino nanggaling.

Congratulations, Zita Elara.

Love,
Mom

Napairap naman ako ng mabasa iyon. Inis akong bumaling sa kahon tsaka walang ganang tiningnan ang laman noon. It is a maroon turtle neck dress. Mayroon din iyong kasamang alahas na kakulay din ng damit.

I received a call from her before I could put her gift back on its box.

"Hi! Did  you received my gift for you?" she asked excitedly.

I rolled my eyes at her tone, "What is this for?"

"For your achievement my daughter."

I can sense that she's smiling on the other line. Lalo lang akong nainis doon. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung paano n'ya ako nakakausap ng ganito? Parang wala lang sa kanya lahat ng nangyari noon. Kahit isang beses hind ko naramdaman na andyan s'ya para damayan ako sa sakit na nararamdaman ko, andyan lang s'ya tuwing may achievement ako. Tuwing may magandang dulot ang gagawin ko sa kanya.

"I don't need any of that."

"Come on, anak. Let's not fight over this. Ang babaw ng dahilan na ito, Zita."

Her voice changed, lalo lang akong nainis dahil sa sinabi n'ya.

"You don't have to be rude all the time. I'm still your mother," mariing sabi n'ya.

"Really?"

"Why are you like this? Can't we just move on, Zita? You're dad and I were separated for so long, why can't you just stop being angry?"

I laughed sarcastically, "Why? Did you ever apologize?"

"Zita Elara!"

"Don't ever call me your daughter again, you were never a mother to me anyways."

I ended the call right away. Mabilis ang pag hinga dahil sa galit at sakit na nararamdaman ko. Sa galit ko ay ipinabalik ko ang regalo sa kanya. Hindi ko kayang mag panggap na maayos kami dahil sa bawat pag kakataon na nag uusap kami, ipinaparamdam n'ya lang sa akin na hindi naman importante ang mga nangyari noon. Na hindi ko na dapat iyon isipin pa kaya lalo lang akong nagagalit.

Hindi na ako ulit lumabas ng office hanggang matapos ang araw. Nakauwi na lang noong bandang alas otso dahil nakaramdam na ng pagod. I refused to eat dinner, I was about to go to my room to take a rest but my mother came.

She looks serious and irritated at me. I didn't bother to greet her nicely and just raise an eyebrow on her.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as she neared me.

"We have to talk. I can't tolerate your immaturity anymore."

"We have nothing to talk about."

"Don't you know how to respect, Zita Elara? Is that what you get for doing everything that you want?"

"Don't talk as if you know anything."

"I'll talk whenever I want to. I'm your mother!"

"Do you hear yourself? You are my mother? Since when?"

I couldn't hold my temper anymore. I can see her anger too as she looked at me fiercely.

"How dare you say that! Since when did you learn that attitude? You're always disappointing!"

"Go on mom, be disappointed. I don't care anymore! Hindi ko din naman inaasahan na matutuwa ka sa akin. Ano bang aasahan ko sayo? You only love yourself and all your ambitions!"

I stopped when I felt her slap on my face.

"How can you say that?" she said angrily.

I looked at her as my tears begins to fall.

"How can you choose yourself over us?" I asked mad and hurt.

Shock was written on her face. I saw a pain on her eyes too but I can't dwel onto that. Walang kapantay iyong sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Nagagalit ako pero nangingibabaw ang sakit at pag tatanong, bakit n'ya ginawa ang mga iyon?

"How can you leave us and go on with your life? How can you be happy around everybody and be sad and lost around my dad? How can you not love us?" I asked crying.

All this time, I always wondered why and how. Why did she choose everything over us? How can she manage that? While I was angry and lost, and my daddy broken.

"You don't understand anak," she said trying to reach out for my hand but I refused.

Umiling ako sa kanya at ngumiti ng malungkot.

"Then why don't you make me understand?"

"That's all in the past, we have to move forward."

"No! I can never do that. Madali sayo na mag move forward dahil hindi naman kami mahalaga sa'yo pero para sa akin? Para kay daddy, hindi naging madali. Hindi n'ya sinubukan dahil mahal ka n'ya. Bakit hindi mo kami nagawang mahalin? Bakit hindi mo minahal ang daddy ko?"

"If we choose to stay together, we will only hurt each other."

"Because you don't love my father," galit na sabi ko.

"God knows how much I tried but I can't."

Para akong nanghihina sa pinaguusapan naming dalawa. Nasasaktan ako para sa daddy ko. My mom never loved him. And all he did is to cherish us, fill us with his love. How can she be so cruel?

"Then why did you marry him? How can you be so selfish and cruel?"

"I never wanted to marry your father but we have no choice. Your grand father wants us to marry," she admitted.

Lalo lang akong nagalit, pakiramdam ko ay ginamit n'ya lang ang daddy ko. Pakiramdam ko nasayang iyong pagmamahal ng daddy ko para sa kanya.

"No wonder you can't love me. You never loved my father so how can you love his child. Leave me alone, I don't need you in my life."

"Stop dwelling in the past, Zita. You have to move forward. I know I did some mistake but you can't take the fact that I am your mother. Kailangan mo ng  tanggapin na wala na ang daddy mo!" she shouted.

"He may be dead but he is here! He'll never leave me like you do," I said firmly.

"Hanggang kailan mo ba sasayangin ang meron ka ngayon dahil sa mga nawala na sayo, Zita? Hindi na kita pipilitin na hindi magalit sa akin pero kailangan mong tanggapin na wala na ang daddy mo at ako na lang ang meron ka!"

"How can you say that? How can you ask me to let go of everything that my father left me? Nakalimutan mo na bang s'ya nag nag protekta sayo? Nakalimutan mo na ba na kaya ako andito ngayon dahil pinili n'ya tayong iligtas? Did you forget how he chose to let his guard down so Tony could go and protect you?" hindi makapaniwalang sabi ko.

"That was his choice, Zita! I never asked him to protect me."

"Can't you just be grateful? Mom, he chose to risk his life for us! How can you be so cruel? He always love you, even after you get to that man. Even after you chose to turn your back on us, he loves you so much. Did you know how much he cries every time he get drunk? He was asking himself, he was wondering where he go wrong. He was blaming himself for losing you mom! He never questioned your decision, he never demand anything from you. Until his last breath he hoped you are safe, tapos ngayon sasabihin mo sa akin na sinasayang ko ang meron ako dahil sa mga nawala?" tumigil ako dahil sa sobrang pag hikbi. Hindi naman siya makapag salita kaya nag patuloy ako.

"Siya lang ang meron ako mom dahil hindi ka naman naging andyan para sa akin kahit kailan. Siya lang naman ang 'di tumalikod sa akin, kahit pa nadamay s'ya sa galit ko sa sitwasyon. Siya lang yung andyan tuwing wala akong mapuntahan. Siya na nga lang ang meron ako, nawala pa dahil din sa akin. Kaya paano ko bibitawan iyon? Paano ako mag momove forward kung wala na akong rason dito?"

"You have me now, Zee. Just please," she stopped as she cried so much too.

"I never felt you were there."

Hindi ko na siya hinayaang mag salita. Umalis ako doon habang patuloy ang pag iyak. Hindi ko alam na may mas sasakit pa pala sa nararamdaman ko. Paulit ulit din na humihingi ng tawad sa daddy ko.

I know he doesn't want me to be mad at my mom but I can't push myself to forgive her. I am so mad at her for not seeing my father, for loving someone else instead of loving my father.