Chapter 22

In love

"Do you wanna go home now?" his voice sounds firm. I wipe off my tears and breathe heavily before turning to him.

I smiled before answering him, "No. Dito na lang ako mag aantay."

Hindi s'ya nag salita. He was starring at me, wala pa ding emosyon sa kanyang mga mata.

"Bumalik ka na sa loob, wala din akong kilala doon kaya dito na lang ako. Have fun," mahinang sabi ko.

"What are you thinking?" he asked suddenly.

"Nothing."

How can I tell him that I'm thinking about how mad I am to myself. That I understand his anger because I feel the same way to myself.

"You were looking at me intently there, I saw you crying here. Is that nothing?" his voice sounds hesitant but he managed to hold his straight face look.

I miss him being sweet, when will I ever see him like that again?

"Tell me stories about you and my brother," he whispered.

I look at him and memorize his features, from his dark eyes, pointed nose and pinkish lips, his well defined jaw and his messed hair.

"Your eyes resembles Thunder. May kaonting pagkakaiba pero nakikita ko ang mata n'ya sayo," marahang sabi ko.

"That's the only thing we have in common," he uttered.

I nodded and continued, "Thunder is my best friend, he's my life."

He is indeed my life, when he came to me I started to know how to live. I learned how to appreciate, trust and understand. He taught me to face life without anger, I was starting to gain myself. I was starting to know who I really was.

"Then why are you still here? Living."

I smiled sadly and sat on his car's back. He sat beside me and stayed silent.

"I was never living the moment he left. I died with him, that morning under the rising sun, I lost my life when I lost him."

It was on the 7th day of February, 4:55 in the morning when I lost the only man who chose me despite my flaws and my short comings. He's the only  man who never asked something to me, he never questioned, he just understands and stay beside me.

"You took away my little brother. I haven't made him feel that I love him and yet he's gone, that easily. I failed him," he said, sounding hurt. I know it hurt, I also failed him.

"I know it was my fault. If only I could bargain my life for his," I said.

He looked at me for a while before saying something.

"Does it hurt you, Zita? Am I hurting you?" he asked.

I lower my gaze and bit my lower lip, trying to hold back my tears.

"How does it feel to be tricked of? Does it hurt?"

Kinuha ko ang lahat ng lakas na meron ako para titigan s'ya ulit. If he wants to hurt me, he already did. But if it wasn't enough, I'll let him do it again. If this would be the only way to ease his pain, I'd gladly take it.

"Yes, but it's alright."

"Thunder's right," bulong n'ya ng sabihin ko iyon. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya at pinipigil ang sarili na lumapit at yakapin s'ya.

"You're stubborn, hard, brave, lovely, and beautiful," he stopped and chuckled a bit before continuing. "Painful," he caressed my face as he said that word.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Your sorry is not enough baby. It will never be," he said.

"I know but I'm still sorry," I whispered.

He kissed me and I didn't protest. It wasn't the kisses that we shared back then, this one is painful and consuming.

If this was his way to ease the pain then I understand. If hurting me would make him feel a bit better then I wouldn't mind. 

"I want to hurt you but it seems like you already poisoned me, that every time I tried to hurt you, it will hurt me even more. Gustong gusto kitang gantihan at pahirapan pero bakit pati ako ay nahihirapan tuwing gagawin ko iyon. Bakit ang hina ko pag dating sayo?"

I couldn't say anything, lalo akong naguluhan sa gusto n'yang mangyari. Hindi ko alam kung bakit n'ya sinasabi iyon at kung ano ang ibig n'yang sabihin.

"I shouldn't be in love with you, fuck!"

"Y-you're in love with m-me?" kabado at naguguluhang tanong ko.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko, kung matutuwa ba ako o masasaktan. Ang sigurado ko lang ay nalulungkot ako, hindi ko alam kung tama bang mahalin n'ya ako o ng kahit na sino.

"Hindi kita dapat magustuhan pero habang nakikita kitang nasasaktan, gusto na lang kitang yakapin ng mahigpit. Gusto na lang kitang protektahan."

"Don't."

He then looked away and curse. Hindi n'ya ako dapat protektahan. Hindi pwede, hindi.

"How? When I couldn't even stop myself from liking you after everything that happened."

"Hindi mo gagawin yun, Saturn. I can take all your anger. Don't fall in love with me, please."

I don't care if this was part of his plan, I just wouldn't let him protect me. I don't need another man to protect me and then I'll end up losing them. Not this time, not him.

"Why do you have to be so hard and stubborn, Zita Elara?" he asked frustrated.

"Dahil kahit nasasaktan ako alam ko na mas nasasaktan kita. At kahit gusto ko na mahal mo ako, hindi ko alam kung tama ba iyon. I don't deserve this life and I don't deserve any of your love. I ruined your life, I took your brother's life. It was all my fault, Saturn. Be mad at me, I'll be fine with that. Just don't fall in love with me please?"

He didn't say a thing and just stare at me, hindi ko s'ya magawang tingnan pabalik. If this was all true, if he really likes me then I should distance myself to him. This is not about Thunder anymore, this is about him.

Hindi ko hahayaan na mahalin n'ya ako. Hindi ko kayang tanggapin ang pag mamahal n'ya dahil magiging dahilan lang iyon ng panibagong pagsisisi. I know this is my karma. Lahat ng mag mamahal sa akin ay mapapahamak lang, at hindi ko kaya na pati s'ya ay mawala ng tuluyan.

"Let's go home," iyon na lang ang sinabi niya matapos akong titigan. Hindi naman ako umimik at nanatili lang na nakatingin sa labas.

Nang makarating sa hotel ay agad na akong bumaba at nag mamadaling pumasok sa elevator. Some of my co-staffs are looking at us but I didn't mind. Halos nag dadasal ako na bumilis ang pag sara ng elevator pero huli na dahil nakapasok pa din si Saturn.

"It hurts hurting you, Zita."

He said it when the door of the elevator closed. He was looking at me though he is serious again, I don't mind. That would be better, I thought. But he leaned on me and corner me at the side of this elevator, his both hands on my side to keep me in place.

"It's your choice," I said trying to sound strong and mad but I failed.

"I admit, it still hurt whenever I look at you and think about Thunder but I guess my feelings for you is not as shallow as I think it is. I'll take away all your pain," he whispered.

"You can't," I whispered.