ever since i was little, i loved to write.
when i was 6, i wrote a poem for my grandfather's funeral
i didn't understand
i didn't know
i wasn't sure what was happening,
i wasn't sure why he had forgotten my name and i had to remind him who i was, even though i wasn't too sure myself,
wasn't sure why i was yelled out of the hospital room,
wasn't sure why i was woken up in the middle of the night
whispered to go downstairs and had to go,
wasn't sure why i saw my mom and my mommom crying next to him sleeping in his bed in his room
the room with the dolls i had nightmares about,
but i did what i knew and i did what i could.
i wrote him a poem,
a poem he never got to hear.
i don't know where that poem is,
who paid any attention to the silly words of a little girl reading them at a funeral she didn't quite understand,
all i knew was i had kissed someone goodnight the night before,
and i liked the big cookies,
and i was dressed up all pretty with my hair and some makeup,
and i was proud of myself, i whispered to the lady next to me who's name i can't remember, because i didn't cry like everyone else was.
"good job," she whispered to me, and i wasn't sure why she was wiping her eyes so carefully.
later that year, when i was 7, i had an assignment in school
about veterans day
and so i wrote about my grandfather
because i knew he was in the navy.
i wrote about how he was brave, and a good man, and my family missed him very much.
i failed that essay.
i wasn't sure why.
a few years later, when i was 11, and i started writing poetry, i had another assignment.
it was about poems.
i made the fourth poem i had ever written
it was about my grandfather
about how i can see him when i look at the clouds.
i got an A on that assignment.
i wasn't sure why.
i can always find bits and pieces of him everywhere in me,
even though i never knew him very well.
i'm not sure why.
ever since i was little, i loved to sing.
i got the solo for a christmas song in church choir when i was 5,
i wasn't sure why.
i don't know how hard i practiced,
i don't know how good i sounded,
i don't know if another kid deserved it more,
i don't know if i paid much attention,
but i was happy
and my parents were proud.
i memorized that song, though it's long forgotten now, and when it was my solo
i went to the front
and i sang
and i waved to my smiling father
because i was happy he was there watching.
he gestured for me to stop,
i wasn't sure why.
years later, when i was 10, i practiced more christmas songs for a new choir at a new school in a new place
i remember those songs
somewhere in my heart
but i quit.
i'm not sure why.
when i was 12, music got me through all my newfound sad
and then i stopped listening to it.
i'm not sure why.
when i was 13, music helped to show me who i was, who i am,
when i was 14, i got to see those two at a live show,
and i cried.
i wasn't sure why.
ever since i was little, i loved to love.
i've kept my two stuffed animals with me throughout my whole life,
except when my parents would take them away as punishment.
i wasn't sure why.
they've stayed constant through so much change and make me feel so grounded, comforted, safe,
i still love them
even though i don't love the colour pink anymore.
when i was 4, i brought them to school,
but i was only allowed to take one.
i wasn't sure why,
i didn't have a favourite.
i've always been told i have a big heart.
when i was 8, i drew my family pictures for christmas.
i'm not sure where they've gone,
but my sibling still has theirs.
i'm not sure why.
when i was 10, and i graduated elementary school,
i had a graduation night at home.
my mom made me a speech, where she said i love so strongly,
and she cried.
i wasn't sure why.
ever since i was little, i loved and i loved and i loved to love
and it's either hurt me or made me who i am.
i'm not sure why,
but i think ever since i was little,
i've been me.