i want to kick you in the throat for how you punched me in the gut
over and over again
shards of you rot me, twisting my vision until i see myself the way you might have seen me
you might have been me if i was smarter,
better,
crueler,
everything you wished i would've been, could've been, and maybe i should've been
but you left me hanging, dangling from the rope of the rod with more than the rug pulled from under my feet
i would have walked into a busy street for you,
because of you.
i want to scream words that don't exist yet so far down your throat you choke and die
and shrivel up like the lifeless thing you are
you're heartless, anyway.
so you might as well turn black and charred and fade like smoke.
but you were smoke in my fingertips, weren't you?
i tried to catch you, know you, see you, like you, love you.
and you never let me - not once in those years.
i strained my ears for a sound of you but you never did like to talk.
i want to push you down a cliff and watch
watch your body tumble and break and bend in inhuman ways
hear the bones snap, crack,
hear the blood vessels pop,
see the blood pour from your eyes and skin and the hair mat on top of your dumb fucking head
as it turns just the wrong way
and i want to see the death behind those eyes
the eyes that were all you ever let me see of you
the eyes you never tried to see me with.
"you don't have to show your face," she said
you said
and i broke a little.
do you know how i waited
how i counted the fucking hours waiting for you to come back to me?
to say one thing?
119 hours, wasn't it?
but you wouldn't know, you wouldn't care, you didn't care.
i broke into pieces of you
and you swept me away to the back corners of your mind
until you left and let me turn to dust in your hands.
id shrivel away and swivel and turn away from you and stare the sun in her eyes a thousand times before letting you speak another word
despite how desperate i am for closure,
id cry until my eyes are good as a scorpion's nest and fallen out to roll at my feet
i'd die again and again and again and again until my soul is but a sliver, hardly a shred of light anymore
before letting you befoul me and the goodness ive created within myself
for i am god and she is a pure creature
nothing you deserve to witness.
one day, you see,
one day you will kneel before me in one way or another
one day you will realize who you crossed and i will cross you of my hit list.
be wary of the mistakes you make, candy
i will find you one day.
you'll be sorry for the god you've betrayed,
but more,
you'll be sorry for what he does to you.