Is it wrong to say that I've been missing you when I'm the one who pushed you so far away?

I meant to apologize ages ago but my stubborn temperament keeps me from shooting you a casual hello.

You were so close to me but my words seemed to push us apart.

I feel like a meteor has collided into our world and separated it in two with me on one side of the separation and you on the other.

You're so beautiful you know?

The way you traces your hands along the walls as you walk past and the way you used to laugh as I complained about my day and the people I encountered.

We were practically sisters.

Despite our few differences we were extremely similar in many respects.

Most best friends gossip about that boy who sits next to them in chemistry but we were different.

I felt such a close connection to you and even though most of the time I was joking, every time I said to you, " Let's get married " I was secretly hoping you'd want that.

I fell for you, you're beauty, your love, you're caring nature.

I told you once that I loved you.

I told you once that I would be in a relationship with you, that I would fill the place HE once occupied.

HE now occupies that gap in your heart once again and I'm fine with it.

I'm over it.

Or am I?

Sometimes I still wish we could be serious with each other.

Sometimes I wish I could kiss you till the sun sets and cuddle with you till it rises.

Though I already know in my mind that it will never happen.

My mind has moved on but my body still longs for your hugs, for your voice, for your snarky social media comments or you're beautiful laugh when I say something dumb.

I regret pushing you away even though at the time I really felt hurt by your actions.

I felt neglected.

Used.

Unloved.

Unimportant.

Irritating.

I miss sharing music with you, singing songs together and harmonizing our voices despite the fact that we both despised the way our vocal chords formed sounds.

I miss discussing songs or sharing memories through an artist's piece of music that resonated deeply with us in our younger years.

I miss our little notes, our games, our inside jokes and creative quirks.

I miss you're support when I hit a rough patch.

I wish, oh do I wish, that I could tell you about all my problems.

Do you know how bad my social anxiety has gotten?

Do you realize how depression has sucked my emotions out and placed them in an unbreakable bottle.

That bottle...can only be broken by you.

Please break it.

I tell everyone that I don't miss you, that I'm fine without you, that I have plenty of friends but that's a lie.

I have a you shaped hole in my heart that will always be there because despite what you've done to me and me to you, you are...were...my best friend.

You are my soulmate.

You are my princess.

You are my babe, my love, my happiness...my heart.

My best friend.

I wish I could pull you back into my life in an instant.

Did you know that my mother still holds the time you made me cheat for you above your head.

" She was a bad person from the start. If she was really your friend she wouldn't have asked you to cheat for her "

What a stupid claim.

We were dumb.

We were kids.

What's an eighth grader to do when their best friend is struggling and needs help?

I can't believe she still holds that above your head when we forgave each other so long ago.

I'm sorry.

I've gotten off track and let myself ramble on about nonsense that isn't relevant.

I miss you so much.

Please come back and fix us because hell knows I'm too stubborn to fix anything myself.

I love you.

And I'm missing you.