Alright! Major trigger warning. Alex doesn't cut or anything like that. I mean...it'd be pretty difficult...he has one arm...But anyways his thoughts are pretty depressing and involve many things having to do with self hate. So. WARNING.

Alexander Pov
When we got back to the house everything was fine, surprisingly. God I'm so messed up it's not even okay.

I know everyone there pities me. And I hate it. I'm still me even though I lost my arm. It doesn't fucking matter.

Angie changed her thoughts about since it happened. But she was right. I'm just a fucking useless bastard. A piece of shit. I wanted someone to interrupt my toxic thoughts but nobody did.

"H-hey, I'm going to go to the bathroom." I muttered.

John flashed me a look of worry but quickly wiped it off his face. I gave him a brief smile and excused myself from whatever the hell they were talking about.

I stared at myself in the mirror. Long enough for it to seem like that wasn't me.
Like I was looking at someone else.
Pain changed me.
I thought that maybe if I could fake being happy for long enough, it'd be true.
I'd finally be happy.
But no.
It doesn't solve shit.

And I wanted John to be the one who changed me.
This isn't some fairytale.
Nobody will come in and save the day. I love him.
I really do.
But I don't understand how he could love someone - something like me.
Just a waste of space.

The worst of it all is before I had this depression, this crushing weight, I always thought as depression as someone who is just numb.
Numb to the pain and is just sad.

It's almost the complete opposite. There's so much emotion it seems like it's going to cave down on me. But what if it was here all this time? All this time and I just didn't notice if setting up its little fort in the back of my head waiting for its moment to pounce.

"Oh dear god." I muttered, resting my elbow on the counter and placing my head in my hand.

I pulled my head out of my hand and got my pills out. My hand shook as I did so and the back of my mind hissed,

No!
Stop!
Worthless Bastard what are you doing?!
Put the pills down! You're fine! You don't need help! Fucking idiot!

I took the pills and immediately regretted it. But I forced myself to keep it together and shoved myself out the bathroom door.

"You good bro? You look...pale.." Herc said.

"Yeah, of course man. I'm fine." I said smiling.

Liar.
Liar.
Liar.
Liar.
Liar.