Dedicated to JenniferEmbers for being such a quirky, dark, talented author, intelligent visionary & friend of mine.:) 

Note: tailor-made execution based upon organ donor status was inspired by the novel Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult. Also, if anybody is named Randy O'Brien, I'm sorry, it was a random name that I decided to go with. Additionally, "update will be this Thursday" is a relative term. ;)

(Present time)

"Morning guys!" Esme calls, skipping into the room.

"God, can't you get dismissed for arriving at work intoxicated?"

"Adrienne, I'm not high, I'm just happy!"

"Well, stop."

"Oh Adrienne, the only reason you despise sunny individuals is because you struggle to be happy yourself."

"Fuck off."

"Love you, too!" Esme, myself, Craig, Sabrina, Christopher & just about everyone else sang to Adri. She rolled her eyes & sighed but I found a ghost of a smile lingering on her lips.

"Everybody good to get started?" Esme asked.

"Yeah, girl," Sabrina enthused.

"Alrighty, who would like to begin?" Silence. "Nobody? Not even you, Aaron?" Esme teased.

"Eh well, I did have more hauntings by the victim recently but we speak about them so much already."

"When last did you envision her?"

"Yesterday. Twice actually."

"Twice? In one day? And you neglected to inform me?" Adrienne rages incredulously.

"Adri, I was gonna see you today anyway, I figure I'd rather talk to you about the flashbacks in person." She gives me a contemptuous look but says no more.

"Ooh, touchy today, are we, Adrienne?" Christopher mocks jokingly.

Fires swirl in her eyes & I just have enough time to restrain her before the flaming love of mine hurtles across the room to assault him.

"Leave her be, Christopher, we all ship her and Aaron together, it's obvious that there is sexual tension between them," Sabrina states pragmatically.

All eyes whip to the pair of us. Adrienne has a hint of a blush on her cheeks & on her slender, scarred neck. I never thought blushing could be attractive, until now.

"Aye, I'm not denying it," I say, going for cocky as I jut my chin out & slide my arm around Adri's chair. The whole group laughs in satisfaction. Adrienne casually slips from her chair to the one next to her, on her left, leaving a space between us. She keeps a confident, defiant expression but her pretty face is still tinted pink.

I immediately hop into the chair to my left, thus closing the rift between us. Adrienne gives me her trademark "chillin' like a villain" look before asking Esme, who was now sitting next to her, to shift over.

"We are not here to play musical chairs," Esme scolds while chuckling at us.

"Adrienne, stop beating about the bush & just sit on his lap already!" Christopher is the strongest unintentional wingman I've ever had.

"Jesus, somebody stop him by putting a dick in his mouth!" Adrienne moans, much to everyone's amusement.

I take my cue then & hoist Adrienne up in my arms. She's light & fragile, I feel as though I could snap her in an instant. That surely can't be normal, right? I'll ask her about it later.

She yelps as I lift her & attempts to free herself. I place her on my lap & watch her astonished face.

"Wait, so... You're not hurting me right now?" She asks in a soft, bewildered voice. She looks up at me slowly, almond eyes tense & fearful.

"What? No? Why would I do that?" I inquire disbelievingly. Why on God's green earth would I ever do such? I suppose my physical contact was unprecedented with us & she probably expected something more sinister. This doesn't appear to be a normal reaction to such a situation, however.

She smiles timidly & her eyes begin to relax. Luckily there was mild chatter amongst the others that muffled our obscure exchange from prying ears.

By the time we're once again facing the group all eyes are on us. Christopher smirks approvingly, Esme is grinning with an eyebrow raised & Sabrina fawns. These are the reactions I want & are the only ones I focus on. I smile proudly as I breezily ask, "so yeah, where were we?"

"About to give you two a room," somebody quips.

"Okay guys, seriously now," Esme starts, coming down from her laughter, "Aaron, either tell us about your flashbacks or we'll let Jakayla tell her story first."

"Who on earth is Jakayla?" Adrienne & I ask simultaneously.

Esme grimaces. "This lovely lady right here." She gesticulates towards a tall, slender young woman wearing piercings, leather, a platinum blonde cropped haircut & not much else.

"Hi," greets Jakayla, her voice a surprisingly melodic alto. "I'm somewhat new here. I can wait before I have a go though, you go ahead, Aaron," she motions to me. She seems nice.

"Are you sure? Well, thanks Jakayla. Ah, I won't take up much more time, I'll just give you the abridged versions. In the first one, it felt as though I was being gently enticed into a pleasant memory of the girl and her family going on vacation and playing in the sea. It was enjoyable. The second one, conversely, was rather awful. The girl was beaten and raped – nothing new, I suppose – in some or other cabin or cottage. Oh yeah, I also got hella emotional about both. I'll admit it, guys, I cried." There were subdued gasps echoing around the room, as though the admission of a male that he occasionally tears up is cause for sensation. If any guy tells you he doesn't have a cry every now & then, he's lying.

"It does appear that these flashbacks and nightmares are happening more frequently nowadays, Aaron. Are you sure you wouldn't like to go to therapy as well?" Asks Esme, concern lacing her words.

"I don't think so, Esme, not yet anyway. I want to figure out if she's real or not first."

"How do you plan on doing that, Detective Inspector?"

"I haven't a clue as of yet. Maybe she'll become clearer in my mind with time." I don't believe this & neither does anybody else.

"What if she doesn't? Will you just allow yourself to be continually victimised by a fallacy?" Adrienne asks disdainfully.

"Look. I know it seems ridiculous to you lot – hell, even to me – but I have this feeling about her. My own mind would never have been able to conjure up such things, especially not without conscious thought. I literally have come up with none of this, it just appears in my mind."

Jakayla offers her opinion just then, "sounds like an ominous apparition."

"I agree," says Esme.

"If it happens to be something substantial, is there anything you'd like us to do for you?" Adrienne asks, concern evident in her eyes. "Besides being here to listen to you and brainstorm."

I beam at her. We haven't even known each other for that long & already she cares so deeply for me.

"I, I have no idea, guys. Oh! Wait! Sabrina, you're an artist, right? Why don't I describe her in as much detail as possible to you so that you can draw her? Then everyone else can at least get an idea of what she looks like. Sort of."

"Yeah, sure, I'd be glad to do that. Only after my vacation though." She's going to Zanzibar with her family for two weeks.

"Thanks. Let me know when you're free."

"Oh, I don't work for free," Sabrina says, a smirk colouring her features.

Chucking, I ask her how much she'd be willing to work for.

"Like fifty bucks and I also want the scoop on what you and Adrienne get up to while I'm away. Don't omit a single gory detail!" She grins devilishly, much to Adrienne's discomfort. Adri's resting bitch face was quickly contradicted by the new blush crawling up her neck. How I want to bite that neck, leave my teeth marks in her.

"This isn't real-life Tinder!" Esme yells at us.

Adrienne mouths a quick "thank you" to her, much to our amusement.

"Thanks for that, Aaron, we'll be here with you through every step of your healing," Esme breathes, "but now, let us shift the spotlight onto our newbie, Jakayla!"

We all applaud now, this is how we welcome new folk into the group.

Jakayla breezily begins, "hi again, everybody. As you've all heard, my name's Jakayla. I'm here because I underwent a heart transplant about four months ago. Initially I was fine with it, I was grateful to the person that donated their heart and there haven't been any complications so far. My problem is that I've recently become curious about the person whose heart I now have. I did some digging and I discovered that the person was a murderer, which just kind of really bothers me. Knowing that I literally have the heart of a killer is difficult to come to terms with, y'know?"

Stunned silence ensued.

"Incredible," Adrienne breathed, "who was the killer?" She asked softly.

"Randy O'Brien."

A merciless killer, he skinned seven men alive after luring them to his apartment with the promise of employment. Afterwards he consumed some of their remains. He was eventually captured & placed on Death Row. He was executed but I had no idea that his organs were up for grabs.

The room is even more comatose than before. Sabrina has visibly paled & even Christopher has stilled.

"Wait, he was executed though," remarks Craig.

"That's right."

"His heart wouldn't be viable for donation then, since the potassium chloride in lethal injections stops the heart."

"True, yet a Death Penalty law had recently been changed to accommodate donors. If offenders are registered organ donors they are killed through hanging. That way their organs are not extensively harmed," Jakayla explains. "Which is why I was able to get his heart."

I'm surprised. "I had no idea that had come to pass, was it in the news?"

"Partially. Those in the legal community knew but it was kept mostly low-key to prevent any possible opposition from the public," said Jakayla.

"I can understand, the connotations of having a despicable criminal's body part within you must be uncomfortable at best. However necessary it is that willing donors are able to provide their organs to those in need," Adrienne says placidly, though there is a tightness to her eyes.

"Definitely. They may be appalling individuals but there's no reason why they should be denied the option to donate their organs. Nor should there be any reason why recipients of organs should be prevented from learning more about their lifesavers," said Esme.

"That's true. They may have taken and or ruined several lives but that doesn't mean they don't deserve a second chance at helping humanity. It doesn't excuse the actions that put them on Death Row but a noble deed helps to balance the scales, I say. O'Brien may have killed at least seven people but he ended up saving several through his organs. You may have the physical heart of a killer but you're still you. Still who you were before. It wasn't his heart instructing him to commit those grievous misdemeanors but his mind. I know it's weird having a part of someone else becoming an integral part of you but it's not impossible to accept with time." I conclude my speech with a reassuring smile.

Jakayla runs her hands through her hair, making the pixie cut even wilder. "You're all right. I can't thank you enough for your kindness and understanding nature. Obviously it'll take time for me to be properly okay with this but I feel like I'm off to a good start!"

"That's fabulous, girl! We're all here for each other here, we too have been granted second chances. We're not going to waste them by doing anything but loving and helping others!" Esme enthuses.

There is satisfied, resounding agreement amongst the group.

∞

I'm walking with Adrienne to the carpark after the group session drew to a close.

"We always hang out at cafes and things. I know you're apprehensive about your house, but why don't you come over to mine? I haven't asked before because my family has kept me under house arrest, but it's all good now. If you want," I rush to get the words out as quickly as possible, the syllables wobbly & unbalanced in their haste.

Adri looks on in surprise. "Uh, okay?" She answers with an upward inflection.

"Ha-... Have... Have you any, any plans today?" I stutter too hopefully, looking at the ground in my shame. Since when am I nervous around girls? Ever since I fell in love and not in lust with one.

She's quiet for several cutting seconds.

"Ah, no. I'm free today. I can come over, if your parents are okay with it."

Yes! "Yeah, they're more than fine with it, they...They really like you," I say honestly.

"Done deal then!" She declares with a flourish.

We climb into her shabby wreckage of a vehicle & I give her the directions to my house. Not being able to drive makes me feel more & more emasculated every day.

We arrive home swiftly due to Adrienne's car being unusually fast for the catastrophe it is.

We clamber out and walk along the stepping stones in my front garden.

"How long can you stay for?" I ask.

"A good few hours, I'd say. Until you throw me out," she answers breezily.

"As if! I'd have you living here if I could," I quip, giving her a playful shove. I'm only half-joking.

∞

Once we have concluded the tour of my house, Adrienne & I make our way to my bedroom. She slides gracefully onto my bed like she's been here a thousand times before. She shifts aside my clothes that have been strewn about haphazardly and sprawls languidly across the checkered covers.

"So, Adri, tell me why you had to get a cornea transplant." She has never opened up about this in group, I'm hoping a blunt approach will catch her off-guard enough to get her to blurt it out.

She yelps in astonishment. "Where did that come from?"

"My curious mind hoping to know everything about you."

"You don't want to do that. Really." A well-veiled threat present in her tone.

"Yes, yes I do. Every little bit of you. One of these days I will."

"Ha! Challenge accepted."

"Good. We'll start with me telling you all about the crash; the stuff I never spoke about in group. That might encourage you to talk."

"Hey, only if you want to, it's not necessary," she says reassuringly.

"I do want to. I feel like you would understand the emotional stuff more than the guys would," I say decisively.

"I'll definitely try," she breathes.

"Alright. You've been questioning why an intelligent person like me would be riding a motorcycle backwards, right?"

She chuckles. "If you were so intelligent you wouldn't have had to ask that."

"Okay, got me there. Anyway, the reason I do all of this irresponsible daredevil stunt stuff is because I feel nothing without it. Numbness, emptiness. I have this inexplicable void."

"What now?"

"I'm numb, Adrienne. I don't feel things. I haven't since I was twelve. I gradually began to feel fewer emotions until one day I realised I couldn't make myself feel any of the moods I could see were being felt around me. People would get excited when they saw their friends. Would cry while watching a sad film. They'd  be visibly contended when reading, spending time with loved ones and so on. I couldn't feel any of it. Until I got on a bike. Or drove too fast. Or tried zip-lining. Anything involving speed or adventure would get my blood rushing. This. This is when I could feel all the things I could only watch from afar. Exhilaration, fear, ecstasy."

She's rapt. "How does thrill-seeking encompass recklessness?"

"It doesn't. Adrenaline-junkie behaviour is justifiable as long as safety is prioritised. What happened is that I sort of built up a tolerance to these adventurous pursuits. Over time drag racing, bungee-jumping and abseiling just wasn't enough to bring me the highs I always chased. I don't know if one really can become immune to adrenaline, it doesn't seem plausible, but that's what I saw happening in me. I constantly needed more and more dangerous stunts to feel alive and to feel normal human emotions. I just wanted to be like everybody else in that regard." My hands have a slight tremor to them as I reach for my glass of water. I've never revealed any of this to anyone. I hope she doesn't react badly and run. This raven has somehow glided under my skin and refuses to leave.

"Well." A tense pause. "I never considered that that could be. That someone could develop a resistance of sorts to exhilarating activities. I suppose they can lose their novelty over time but not to the extent you've described. Aaron, I think you're depressed. Not 'depressed' in that woe-is-me, I'm feeling so terribly blue today sense, but clinically depressed. A neurochemical imbalance. I presume you're not on any meds?"

"No. My family doesn't know. I've thought that as well. Just good to know that someone agrees I'm not just going through growing pains."

"Of course not! It isn't customary to be this way. We all go through periods of numbness; feeling less than what we usually do or feeling nothing at all, for various reasons. However, we recover eventually and resume our regular state of mind. For you, regular appears to be without emotion, yet the fact that you've tried all these years to regain some feeling shows that even you know this isn't normal."

"True. I also just didn't know what reaction to expect from you, really. Thanks for being so understanding." I lean over to give her a hug, thankfully she doesn't flinch at my touch this time.

"Obviously. Oh, I have a question. Why didn't you ever turn to drugs or other substances to give you that rush?"

"I thought about that. A lot. But I couldn't do it to my family. Substance abuse has such far-reaching effects. They would probably lose me. Over time. It would be a shockingly visual decay, watching on the sidelines as I slowly throw my life away. No, I couldn't live with myself inflicting that upon them."

"You think what you've inflicted upon them through your stunts is any better?"

"Actually, yes. Yeah, I know I killed those two. They're in my head every minute of every fucking day and above that I have to deal with being tormented by this abused girl. But at least I'm alive, right?" A sarcastic edge to my voice.

"Yes. At least you are  still here," she says softly, embracing me. 

"Thanks," I whisper into her hair. "Also, the stunts don't necessarily mean certain death for me like addiction to drugs or alcohol would eventually be. I'm still here, many fractured bones and severed lives later, but I'm still here."

"You're cocky and think you're smarter than me but you're one of my favourite people. I can't lose that." 

She clasps me in the tightest embrace she's ever given me. I return the hug with the same intensity. Legs tangled, feeling each other's pulses, we remain this way until my mom calls us down for dinner.