I'm in too deep
Can touch the bottom
With my feet
Don't know what you did to me
I can't breathe
But I'm living
I'm in too deep

- In too deep, Why don't we

46| Mason

Evelyn looked up at him, hoping for a reaction. Mason didn't know how he looked. Was he supposed to be surprised?

The day, Mason found out about it, he first didn't believe it. Then he did some more searching. He couldn't make himself believe but something bugged him. He knew it was the truth.

That night, Mason didn't sleep. He read a book. He read about it in many websites, medical, non medical. He read it from the patients points of view. There were a few pages where people had talked about how they felt, how it was actually like. Mason had tried to understand.

All the while, he became angry. He wondered why he didn't knew about this disorder earlier. Depression was well known and sometimes a misused term but anxiety was rare. But there were people out their diagnosed with it.

Then he also thought of Evelyn. Mason knew it was maybe hard for her to even maybe talk about it. Mason wished he was there early. He could not take it that she was going through it all alone and yet managed somehow.

"I have know for a while." Mason said quietly. He didn't dare to look up to see her reaction.

That same night, Mason took a decision. He figured things out. He knew what was at stake and he also knew what he really wanted to do.

"You knew?" Evelyn's voice was filled with surprise. There was a sight bit of tremor in her voice.

"I couldn't tell for sure, but I think I got it. You had the symptoms. I saw some in you and I kind of remembered you telling me about how you feel, all those stomach sickening and those mental breakdowns," Mason said.

"Anxiety attacks," Evelyn whispered.

"Yes, anxiety attacks." Mason said and squeezed her hand. "If you told me earlier, I could've helped a lot more."

"You did. You helped me. I was afraid how you would react. I was self-conscious more than I should be."

"That's your anxiety, is it not? But I am glad you finally did." Mason gave her a reassuring smile.

Evelyn was gazing at him intently.

"That's it?" She said.

"Yeah?'' Mason said.

"And I have been thinking, over thinking about this particular moment for a thousand freaking times," Her voice cracked, " and that's it?"

Mason sighed and hugged her, " You see Evelyn, the scenes that you create inside your head, thinking, over thinking, that is not reality. This is reality. The result that you come with doesn't necessarily need to happen in real life."

Evelyn shook her head, still not believing.

"But, but, I have a disorder, anxiety disorder. I am crazy. I am not okay. I am not normal. Doesn't that make any difference?" Evelyn said.

"Does it really?" Mason asked back.

"You don't realize it. You don't get it. It's frustrating. Being with me is frustrating. I don't know how you manage it but sometime even I can't stand myself."

Mason sighed. "I don't know all about it, yes. But I have loved you with your anxiety anyway. Yes, some days are bad, some days it is frustrating to see you thinking, over-thinking, skipping your meals. But I have my own battles to fight to. Everyone does Evelyn. We don't give up on people simply because they have something going on. That's not why we love."

Evelyn glanced his way. "I have been through my bad days too. But you were there. You didn't leave me alone. You have been my best friend. You know I will always blame myself for what I did. But you made me realize my mistakes. Didn't you?"

Evelyn let out a breathe.

"I know it's not gonna be easy." Mason said. " But we have a way of coping with each other. You said I helped you, but I didn't know that. You helped me unknowingly as well. We make each other better. I will have to be a fool to let this end."

Evelyn covered her face.

"But I won't survive a long distance relationship, Mason. I am going to New York, you are going to Stanford. There's no way, we will survive this." Evelyn shook her head.

Mason swallowed.

"I may have figured that out." He said.

Evelyn looked up at him. "What?"

"Yeah." Mason said.

"Mason, which college are you attending?'' Evelyn asked, her voice cold.

Mason took a deep breathe and replied, " University of Columbia."

Evelyn didn't say anything for a few moments. Then her hands shook slightly. She closed her eyes and opened them.

"Mason, we are over. It's done. I am breaking up with you." Evelyn said calmly.

"After knowing I am going to New York too? I thought we would've broken if I went to somewhere far." Mason said.

"I don't know anything. Get out of my room." She said glaring.

"Aren't you going to NYU?" Mason asked. He knew the answer. She just said, she's going to New York.

That seemed to move Evelyn. She launched herself on him and grabbed him by the collar, "Mason, you! You! How could you do this?! Are you crazy? Are you out of your mind?" Evelyn said.

"I did what I wanted to do, what I thought was right." Mason replied calmly.

"But going to Stanford is your dream. I have known it since I have known you. How can you give it up?" Evelyn asked.

"Not really. I didn't give up on my dream. Going to Stanford was not my dream." Mason said. "I knew I was going to Stanford, since I have known I have to go to College someday. My mom and dad both went to Stanford. They wanted me to go there. Because that way, I'd be closer to home. And I didn't really look for any other options. I didn't even think I have options. Because everyone keeps telling me I have to go there."

"But what I do know is, if I wanted to go somewhere else, Mom and Dad won't have mind. They would have stood by my decision They would have let me go wherever I want to." Mason concluded.

"But but, you did this because of me. You are going to New York because of me. This is so stupid. You can't do this." Evelyn shook her head.

"How is this stupid? I am going to an Ivy League college. I am going to New York. I am going to see the world. It's part of my dream. After graduating, I want to open my own startup. I don't think New York is a bad place for it." Mason reasoned.

"Mason, you have no idea. What if we break up? What if we end up like my mom and dad? I don't want history repeating itself. I don't want you to regret your life choice. I can't let you do this." Evelyn shook her head.

"I already did it." Mason said.

Evelyn stood up. "This is never gonna work. I have anxiety, Mason. I am going to mess this up. You will regret everything. I have anxiety. This is permanent. Look at me. Look how I overthink."

Mason listened.

"What if we don't make it through College? What if we end up so broken we can't stand each other? What if we end up hating each other? Mason, there's a thousand freaking things that can happen. Mason, something is gonna go wrong." Evelyn paced around the room. "Something will go wrong. I can feel it. My stomach is churning so bad."

"Had it happened?" Mason asked quietly.

"What?" Evelyn asked.

"Had any of the thing you said earlier happened?" Mason asked.

"We are still not there yet. But it will happen. I can't be that lucky. I can't be that much happy."

"Why?"

"Because, because , I have never been!" Evelyn fumed. "Something had gone wrong always. It will again."

"Let's not think that far away in future okay? We will figure things out. And Evelyn, you deserve to be happy. Everyone does."

Evelyn shook her head. Mason walked to her and hugged her.

"Okay fine. Let's talk in your language." Mason said. "What if we get an apartment somewhere in between our college? What if we move in together? What if we make some new friends? What if I meet Cece and Gus and connect with them? What if we figure our future out together? What if we find a home?"

Evelyn trembled in his hands. "I'm scared."

"Well, so am I. But we don't need to think that far. We still got a lot of things left to do. And look at you." Mason said. "When you started school here, had you ever thought you will someday tell me all about your anxiety? That you will let me in all inside your mind? Have you?"

Evelyn didn't reply.

"But you are doing it now. You have changed and so have I. I know your anxiety is permanent but that doesn't mean you have to give up everything on you life and hold fast to anxiety instead. Your anxiety is not a determining factor. You are."

Evelyn looked down at her feet. She contemplated her choices.

"You always wanted to fight on your own. This is the moment. Fight, Evelyn."Mason said.

"I-" Evelyn said and swallowed. She looked up at him, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Yes, you. You have changed. Tell me Evelyn, when was the last time, you had an anxiety attack?"

Evelyn glanced up at him.

"When you went missing, on my birthday." She said as if she had been keeping track.

"Yes, that was months ago. You see." Mason said.

"But that doesn't mean I am out of anxiety. You can't change that. Nothing can change that." Evelyn answered.

"I know. But isn't it better than having attacks constantly than having them months apart? It means something. Doesn't it?"

"Are you trying to tell me I'm getting better?" Evelyn asked almost in horror.

"I'm telling you, you have a way of coping with it. You overthink, you get anxious but you are coping with it better than ever before. Am I wrong?" Mason said.

Evelyn stepped out of his embrace. She blinked as if she was getting vision. She sat on the bed and looked down at her feet.

"You, maybe you are a little bit right."

Mason sat down beside her.

"I am not going to give you false hope. Neither am I going to say it's gonna be alright. Because heck, even I'm not alright." Mason confessed.

Evelyn looked at him.

"I still blame myself for killing them." Mason said quietly.

"Mason, you didn't "

"I know I didn't, but," Mason's voice caught up. His throat felt tight. "I keep going back and back to that day and think how I should've changed it if I had a chance."

"After all this time, Mason." Evelyn took a hold of his wrist.

"Yeah," Mason looked away.

"I am gonna be a little selfish. But I'm telling you, I didn't do this for you. I am not going to New York for you. I am doing this because I need you."

Evelyn didn't reply. She looked at him like she was seeing him for the first time.

"Thank you." Evelyn said.

"What for?" Mason asked.

"Because, I might have been to anxious that I totally forgot what's at stake, what I can really lose." Evelyn smiled sadly. She wrapped her arms around him. "Maybe sometimes, it's okay not to be okay."

"I have anxiety. But I do have a choice." Evelyn said.

"I always have a choice for what I want to do. You are right. My anxiety isn't the determining factor. I am." Evelyn looked at him."You are."

Mason was surprised.

"Don't flatter me too much." He said, joking.

"No, you're worth it. I may have forgotten it. But never let me forget that ever again. As much as you need me, I need you too. I have always needed you, anxious or not." Evelyn said.

"There's a rational part of me who knows, you're worth every risk I am going to take. Mason, I won't regret it ever." Evelyn said.

Mason held her gaze.

"Do you remember you told me not give up on you? Well I'm not. Even if I ever do, never let me."

"I won't." Mason said.

"But-"

"There's a but?" Mason asked and swallowed.

"You really shouldn't have done this all on your own. New York? Really? It's hell. Too much people, to little space, it's utter and complete madness." Evelyn said.

"You know, what they say, everything is possible in New York."

Evelyn scrunched up her nose. "That's so cliche."

"I like cliche. Also, I am going to do an internship in Jack's Dad's company in Manhattan during summer."

"So you have figured that out too." Evelyn said glaring.

"I was going to tell you." Mason said.

"Yes, of course. When? During graduation ceremony?" Evelyn asked.

Mason scratched the back of his neck. "Well.."

"So, you have figured where you will be staying too?"

"Not me, you too. We'll move in together and no. I'd like to do apartment hunt with you." Mason smiled looking back at her.

Evelyn closed her eyes. She shook her head. "It's too much, Mason. It all sounds like a fairytale."

"No, cause you have anxiety and I have bloody nightmares and heart full with guilt and we don't know what future holds. And I'm no prince in white horse."

Evelyn still didn't open her eyes.

"Are you trying to scare me off now?"

"No. I'm just telling you the truth. This is life and we're coping. Let's get to college first. If you still think life's a fairytale then, we'd see."

That stirred Evelyn. She opened her eyes.

"Yes, that's true." She smiled.

"You okay now?" Mason asked.

"About my anxiety, I think I'm gonna tell Dad." Evelyn said.

"That would be fine. I'll be there if you need me."

Evelyn nodded. "Dad had been seeing a psychiatrist. I can see her too. Therapies doesn't really work for anxiety but there's no shame in trying, I guess."

This time, Mason actually smiled bigger. "Yes. Sure."

"And I'm making you go too. Because you're gonna need that heart full of guilt out of your system."

Mason swallowed. "We'll see about that."

"Yeah, we really will see about that." Evelyn repeated.

"And Mason?"

"Yeah?" Mason said.

"About apartment, I might have one in the heart of Manhattan written after me."

Mason raised his eyebrow, "Is this where you tell me, that you're secretly the daughter of Bill Gates?"

"It's just an apartment for God's sake." Evelyn rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, right. Just an apartment." Mason smiled.

"We still have much time for that. And what you said, let's not think ahead. Besides, I have homework. So get out." Evelyn kicked him.

"Of course. Always running from me." Mason rolled his eyes. "Always keeping me out."

Evelyn pushed him away towards the window. He put on his shoes and opened the window door. He almost stepped out.

"Hey, Mason." Mason looked back.

"Mmh?"

Evelyn was blushing. That surprised him.

"I love you."

Mason's heart skipped a beat and it stopped. Then it started over. All in the matter of one millisecond.

"Likewise."

"I hate you!" Evelyn pushed him out the window and closed it.

Mason laughed.

Oh yes. And someday you're gonna have my babies.

The end.

(Check out An Unsent Email from Evelyn Reyes for a somewhat epilogue)

Read an excerpt from my new book , Floating.

Floating

.......“Mmh, this shirt smells like you,” I decide.

“Of course it does, because I wear it,” Oliver answers and shoves me back gently.

I step back and ask him, “So, how do I look?”

Oliver stares at my eyes, “You look weird.”

“You know, you need to look down to see the shirt. There's nothing in my eyes,” I say accusingly.

Oliver still keeps staring at my eyes and doesn't look down, “I don't need to look down to see that you look weird.”

I know what he is doing. I hope I know what he is doing.

“You are afraid,” I whisper, “You are afraid to see me as who I am. A girl. Someone you may even like.”

I swear I see Oliver's eyes darken. And then he knocks me off by stalking three steps towards me. I step back quickly and my back hits the closet door. There is nowhere to hide.

Oliver leans down a little to meet my eyes, “Some day, some day I will show you how scared I am.”

I forget to breath, “I can’t wait for that day.”

Oliver's eyes flickers over my eyes and then they stray down, down, down.

I hold my breath for the sake of my life. Oliver wants to kill me.

Then Oliver takes a step back, puts a decent amount of distance between us and says, “I still think you look weird.”

“Then maybe you like weird,” I say, breaking my lips in a grin.

Oliver doesn't reply. But the look in his eyes says yes a thousand times. 

......

Chapter 12, Floating.

Floating is published now! Check it out!!

Author's note: Aaaaaaaand, it's a wrap!!!!! It's the cliche line I knew I have to add. I just am so out of my mind. I can't. I finished a whole freaking book.

Are you like kidding me? Damn. I can't believe this myself.

It's been such a journey. I stared writing this book a whole year ago? Maybe more. I published the first chapter around March in 2018. It was named "The Asian Girl's Diary" back then. And the plot was nowhere near this.

I abandoned the book. Unpublished and republished it around March 2019 again with this name. And now it's November.

Well well, that says it all. I can't tell you how happy I am. I will forever be grateful to all of you. I actually have an acknowledgement chapter.

About Epilogue?

I'm not good with epilogue. You have an ending and I think it's so good we don't any epilogue. Do we? I don't think so.

But guess what?

This book is in 5.8 k reads now. Someday if I ever have a million reads (who am I kidding?!) I'll write an epilogue. I promise.

And if you have any questions about the characters, the outline, about any of the characters, about me, drop them here.

And the songs. I loved adding songs. All of them at sweet aren't they?

It was my first book in Wattpad. And I don't know if it's the last but yeah I won't be writing anything for a while. I'll let you know if I do.

I love you.

Love.

Nijhu. (That's my name ;)