Some days I'm broke, some days I'm rich
Some days I'm nice, some days I can be a bitch
Some days I'm strong, some days I quit
I don't let it show, but I've been through some shit

-Pretty Girl, Maggie Lindemann

32| Evelyn

Evelyn woke up with cold sweats running down her back. It was a horrible nightmare. She couldn't remember when she last had it. And it had changed.

Evelyn no longer see Quinton standing behind her now. It was just she and her anxiety, standing there and no matter how much she begged, it pushed her downwards. She kept falling until she woke up. Evelyn felt it in her body, like she was actually falling.

Evelyn sighed. When another sensation was felt by her, she muttered a curse and went to washroom and it was confirmed. It was that time of the month. When she finally settled down to sleep again, she felt something foreign in her stomach.

The tight knit of stomach knots. The sharp feeling of pinching feelings of needles on her neck and shoulders, the tight muscles, the butterflies all around her skin and the back of her head had a pounding headache.

Miss Anxiety was back on full force.

Evelyn closed her eyes and let herself sink into the known feeling, the discomfort, the pinning sensation and the upset feeling of her stomach.

Her head buzzed with thoughts and a single tear left her eye.

Why again?

What have I done to deserve this?

Why can I get rid of these?

Why this doesn't go away?

Evelyn wiped her tears.

Why me?

Anxiety couldn't just come back like that. Evelyn's life was finally falling into track. Her dad was treating her nicely, she had made new best friends, she had found people who cared about her.

And now, anxiety stroke. Out of fucking nowhere, without any plausible reason.

Evelyn sighed in tears. Then there was this fucking period making everything worse than it could be. Her stomach was upset and at the same time, she had pain in her lower stomach, cramps were worse than anything else.

Evelyn was getting ready for the hormonal shitstorm she was going to face, period doubled with anxiety, nothing could be better, right?

Nope. Because you are pathetic.

Welcome back, how much did I miss you!

Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. You suck.

Great. Now, miss Second voice had started with her rantings.

Evelyn tossed and turned in her bed knowing full well, she wouldn't be getting even a wink of sleep. The back of her head was pounding hard. The fight that was going inside her brain with her anxiety didn't help.

At some point, she laid down hopelessly, breathing in and out, calming her nerves. Then, there came a slight ache in her heart.

Anxiety attack was on its fucking way.

Evelyn couldn't even remember when she had it last. She remembered having one in Ethan's house. That was the last. From then, everything in her life had turned better.

Soon, the alarm clock started blaring and Evelyn snoozed it. She was already awake anyway. When the clock stroke 7:30 Dad came upstairs.

Evelyn was crying by then again, either from her anxiety or from her mood swings. She felt emotional and tired to the bones.

"Everything okay?" Dad asked sitting by the edge of her bed.

Evelyn covered her face with the cover and sniffed under it. She wouldn't go to school. Even the thought of getting out of bed felt tiring.

"I don't wanna go to school," Evelyn groaned as she felt a slash of pain in her lower stomach. It ran down her legs.

"You sound like a five year old, what's wrong?" Dad asked chuckling.

He checked her forehead, "You don't have a fever."

"Cramps," Evelyn muttered.

"Is it really bad, should I get you Advils or something?" Dad asked.

Evelyn didn't know if she should take medicine right now. She didn't have that strong pain. It usually went away. The main problem was the feeling of being sick to her stomach from anxiety.

"I dunno," She groaned. Evelyn hated everything. She closed her eyes blocking out the morning light.

"Okay," Dad ruffled her hair. "I'll bring in some food here."

"No!" Evelyn yelled as Dad stood up. "No food, no food, please!"

The thought of food made her stomach clench in knots. She would throw up if she even smelled food now, let alone eating.

"Why? You need a good breakfast-"

"Please,Dad. Leave me alone," Evelyn said.

"Are you sure you-"

"You never had problem leaving me alone before. Why would you now? It should be easier for you," Evelyn snapped.

Dad stared at her open mouth.

Evelyn knew that came out wrong. But she didn't take it back. Anxiety and period made her angry and she didn't even wanna apologize.

"Just go away," Evelyn mumbled before turning to the other side. It was whole better when Dad didn't care so much. Evelyn could deal with anxiety and she didn't have to answer to anyone. Now he was asking way too much questions.

God knows what changed him.

Do you really thinks he cares though? Maybe the fact that you are gonna leave for college soon is what makes him happy.

Evelyn contemplated that for a moment.

And also you are so pathetic that even you own mom couldn't stand you. There you blame your mom and dad for it. They are not the problem.

You are the PROBLEM. You are what ruined their perfect life.

You are DISGUSTING AND PATHETIC.

Nobody wants you around.

Evelyn breathed heavily. She knew these thoughts were absolutely stupid.

I have friends you know.

Oh yeah, you think so. That's because they don't know how weird you actually are.

They won't treat me any different.

Well, have you ever tried telling them about yourself? Why do you always chicken out when they wanna know about you? Why do you not feel like sharing anything about you?

Because you know they'd hate you.

Once they know about your anxiety, they'll leave you. They would see how pathetic you are. They would think you are weird annoying mental patient with lots of baggage. Who wants that?

Evelyn hugged herself tightly. She knew this couldn't be right. She couldn't be that bad right. She was okay most days. She was just like everyone else, right?

You are actually that bad. You know it. Nobody's gonna be your friend once they find out. You are a crazy pathetic mental patient.

You are DISGUSTING. You have too much on your plate. Nobody wants that.

Nobody wants you Evelyn. Not even your own mom. You are as unwanted as that. Come think of it.

Evelyn's throat constricted in pain as she swallowed. Her chest felt heavier than ever. There was no escape from this. Nowhere she could hide. She couldn't cover her ears to block that voice out. It was all inside her head. And of course that made her a crazy fucking pathetic person. She would never be normal.

Evelyn was stuck with this for the rest of her life.

The disgusting pathetic herself that she loathed so much. Who would like her? Even she couldn't stand herself.

Lying unmoving in her bed, Evelyn heard her dad talking to someone downstairs. After five minutes, the window in her room opened from outside.

Of course.

Evelyn quickly turned and laid on her stomach burying her face in the pillows. She didn't wanna see him. And she didn't want Mason to see her like this. She was a terrible mess.

She was the definition of terrible.

"I heard, You're sick. " Mason said. His footsteps was coming closer.

"Go away!" Evelyn said facing her back to him.

"Why-" He asked.

"Just leave me alone, will you? I don't want to see your face. I don't want to see anyone's face." Evelyn said covering her face with her palms.

"Evelyn, should I get you anything? Ice cream, chocolate, anything? "

"No! Just leave, ok? Why can't you leave me alone?" Evelyn groaned. Another stab of pain ran down her legs. She needed meds.

"Okay," Mason sounded defeated. "I am going to school. If you need anything-"

"Will you go?" Evelyn said quietly.

Mason didn't say anything further. His footsteps sounded again. Evelyn thought he was walking away.

Instead, Evelyn's face was turned by him. He was leaning down. He pressed a kiss on her forehead.

What the-

"See you later," Mason said before walking backwards and getting out of the room through the window.

The whole time, Evelyn stared at him, shell shocked.

What was that?

Hmm, he's trying Isn't he?

Last time, I remember you were telling me how he would leave me.

Of course, he would. Look how you treated him.

Evelyn gulped. She just wanted him to go away. Then he had to do this. Now, every bone in her body felt heavier with guilt.

You'll keep feeling this way. You'll keep treating him this way. But he'll be patient. He will keep trying. But how long? One day, he'll get tired and leave.

He will LEAVE you.

Or its better, if you take things in your hand now and save him from all of that and leave.

Evelyn, you know what's best for him. Leave him. He deserves someone better. Someone perfect. Someone with no added emotional baggage.

Evelyn covered her ears. She trembled. She knew it.

She knew it would lead this way. She knew it from the start. She knew it when they became friends. She wanted to break away from him. She wanted him to go away. But he didn't.

Mason kept holding on. Mason kept coming back. He said, he won't give up.

Evelyn never had this thoughts before. She needed an escape. She needed an escape from this.

Shaking, Evelyn stood up. She went to washroom, brushed her teeth, washed her face.

Evelyn did the mistake of looking herself at the mirror.

Look at you. You are so UGLY. EWW.

Evelyn's hair were tangled knots. Her eyes were red and puffy. The dark circles looked darker. Her skin was pale like paper, like she was lifeless.

Evelyn drew in a deep breathe. She thought of heading downstairs. But her stomach was still upset. She would not be able to eat.

So she tried to do homework. Just one equation wrong, and the voice returned.

You are so dumb. You don't even know what you want to do with your life. You are WORTHLESS.

Evelyn picked up her phone, turned on the music loud and picked up a fiction from her shelves.

If this didn't work, Evelyn didn't know what would.

You can't block me out, you know.

Evelyn put down her book. She couldn't concentrate. So she thought better.

Evelyn called Cecily. Maybe she was in school. She won't pick up. But after two rings, she did.

"Hello?"

"Hey," Evelyn said, "Hey Cece. I'm Evelyn."

"Of course, you are. I have your number saved. But can't remember when the last time, I received any call from this number." Cecily accused.

"As if you called."

Evelyn and Cecily both went silent. But Evelyn didn't call her to be silent.

"I missed you, Cece. I miss you."

"Well, same here. Wish I could come there and meet you in person. "

"Hmm," Evelyn chewed the inside of cheeks, "I am sorry."

"Hey, ITS okay. What's been keeping you busy? Don't tell me It's a guy."

Evelyn rolled her eyes.

"It's a Guy!!"

"I didn't say anything."

"It's obvious. I can hear it in your voice!" Cecily squealed like a fangirl.

"What's his name? What's his name?"

"It's not what you think it is."

"Don't lie to me! I have been there when you had your first freaking crush! Don't even try."

"Okay, fine. It's not like I am dating anyone right now. But there's a guy."

If anyone could see Evelyn right now, they would have seen her cheeks were on fire.

"Awwww. What's his name? Give me his name. How does he look? Is he a senior? Does he go to the same school?"

"Slow down. Slow down." Evelyn laughed.

She took a deep breathe. And realized she felt better.

"His name is Mason Stewart."

"Hot."

"That's just his name, for God's sake."

"Then I guess the rest of him is as hot as it sounds."

"God, cece. You are-"

"Don't change the subject. How's he like?"

"He is tall." Evelyn bit her nails. " Six feet something."

"Finally a tall guy for our tall girl."

"Yeah, yeah. And he has dark chocolate brown hair. His eyes are blue, bluer than any shade of blue. "

Evelyn was lying flat on her back. She sighed.

"You are making me swoon. How's he as a person? "

"He is sweet. Sometimes, he gets under my skin but that's I can deal with."

Evelyn remembered the kiss in the morning. Calling him sweet is an understatement.

"Great. Send me his pic."

"No, thank you."

"Whhy?"

"Because God knows who you'll do with it."

"Huh. Fine. I'll find him myself. His name is Mason Stewart. I remember. Heh."

Evelyn could literally see Cecily sticking her tongue out at Evelyn.

"I didn't call you for that."

"You called me for what?"

"Cecily?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think I'm good enough? "

Cecily went silent. Evelyn's heart beat louder.

"Cecily, I am having bad days again. I am paranoid. He came up in the morning and I yelled at him. I think, I think-"

"It's your ex."

"Huh?"

"Can't you see it? It's not about your bad days. It's about your ex. He made you feel worthless. He made you feel you didn't deserve him. Okay, I get it. He suggested therapy. But after that, he just fled away. And what about this Mason guy? You telling me he's sweet."

"He is."

"Good then. Just because, you have bad days now doesn't mean you'll keep feeling this way. It will get better. You have to make a choice. You can't make a choice deciding over your bad days."

"Evelyn, you're good enough. What made you think You're not? Don't this Mason guy have bad days? Everyone has their own battle to fight Evelyn. You can't push People away from you for that."

Evelyn contemplated her words.

"Trust me, Evelyn. If you do this now, if you let your bad days win over you, you'll never get out of it."

"Thank you. I needed that. That's why you're my best friend. I love you."

"Wait until I find your boyfriend."

"He hasn't asked me out yet."

"Oh he will. He better do that soon."

"Love ya, bye. "

"Bye,love ya too."

Evelyn hugged herself. She really couldn't let her anxiety win over her. She had to fight harder.

Evelyn knew it.

• • •

Author's note: You're getting double update, yes. You're lucky. And if you're lucky enough.......