Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside
I can fight my fear
Isn't it lovely, all alone?
Heart made of glass,
my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin and bone
Hello, welcome home

- Lovely, Billie Eilish, Khalid

01| Evelyn

Evelyn woke up to her stomach tightening up in knots, clusters of butterflies fluttering all about—but not the good kind. She was planning for a new start, looking forward to leaving the past behind in the past. What she had forgotten about was the demon inside her planning havoc. The demon— chronic anxiety.

It had been a week since Evelyn's dad and Evelyn moved to Fallholt, California. Moving from state to state was a part of Evelyn's life as her dad is simply in love with moving. To him moving was a boost to life and it gave you a chance to start over. Evelyn had been trying to do the same thing for the last two years. What she had learned is that moving only boosted her anxiety.

Evelyn had never had the courage to tell her dad about her anxiety disorder. First, she thought it would be a new trouble to dad, or he would simply ignore it and say 'it's a lame excuse, everyone gets anxious'. Evelyn knew that was exactly what he would say. Shrugging off a problem was nothing new to him.

Evelyn had grown up in Manhattan in New York with her grandma. Her grandma was a rich, sophisticated lady, living in one of the penthouses. Being the only child, after her death, Evelyn's dad had inherited everything she had left behind. That gave him the way he needed to move from state to state every year without giving a damn about financial issues.

Growing up in New York was the best thing that ever happened to Evelyn, she thought. She was a happy, friendly, cheerful and most girly girl among her friends, who loved going around stores buying every princessy thing she could lay her hands on. Every new Barbie doll available, even the newest version that hadn't been released, was Evelyn's.

Everything from her room to her dresses, pajamas, shoes, even her bedsheet had a connection to the princesses. Evelyn had her room painted in soft pink with all the Disney princesses in the wall.

Eve even remembered insisting on going to sleep wearing a princessy dress, gowns that were pink and puffy, with lace and tulle.

And needless to say, Evelyn dreamed about the prince in white horse too.

Evelyn shook her head as she removed the cover and got out of bed while trying to gather her shoulder-length brown hair in a bun. She had cut her healthy almost waist–length hair with no second thoughts, herself.

She sometimes forgot about it and habitually her hands tried to get the locks in a bun again, even though now she couldn't. She entered her en-suited bathroom and brushed her teeth, the knot in her stomach made her retch. She emptied her mouth, spitting out the toothpaste foam.

you are gonna mess up real bad today

She dreaded that voice that spoke in her brain. It was the same voice that constantly weighed her down, building up low self-esteem in her, day by day, making her bitter and hard on herself. Self–critical, vengeful, angry. Always double guessing everything she did.

The voice was constantly telling her she would mess up things, she would never be able to fulfil her plans, her dreams. That she was incapable, she lacked confidence. It hashed out all the self-depreciation one can lash out at oneself.

She had to go through the struggle between her normal self and the self her anxiety brought in her every moment. It was like standing in the middle and being stretched by two people from opposite sides.

Anxiety didn't only speak inside her head. Sometimes the stress got too much to carry, it gave an outburst of emotion that Evelyn had come to know as an anxiety attack. And she still remembered the first ever anxiety attack she had, what was worse, she was at school at that time.

Having an anxiety attack, felt like she could not breathe anymore. She would burst into fits of tears, her heart would beat fast. She would feel broken to the core, like there was nothing could fix it.

What hurt Evelyn most was the reaction people had when they heard about her anxiety disorder. She had a friend in the previous school she used to attend; not a friend, actually an acquaintance to whom Evelyn had confessed, "I think, I have anxiety."

She first raised her eyebrow and dismissed it with a laugh. But when she realized Eve was serious, she said, "Oh, c'mon, Evelyn, you of all people, nah. Anxiety is not even a problem. Everyone is anxious about things in one way or another. I don't think you have anything to worry about. You are pretty, you get good grades, and I don't think you have any financial concerns either. It doesn't suit you. Besides, there are bigger issues in life you can think about, like your future. Just stop overthinking, k?"

Eve really wished she could stop thinking, once and for all. That incident fashioned her insecurities, made her keep to herself; her thoughts, her anxiety, all locked up in a box inside her soul to not be opened ever again. At least no one knew her in this new place, no connection to the princess she once was nor the quiet girl she later became.

This time, everything will be alright.

Oh, you wish.

But what could possibly go wrong? She was in her senior year of high school, just a year until graduation, until she was an adult. She would be back in New York with her best friends Cecily and Gus, hopefully would be going off together to study in NYU. She had to wait only a year and everything will become normal again.

A lot could go wrong in a year.

Evelyn had no idea how to stop this nagging thoughts threatening her peace. Her phone buzzed, it was as if the universe wanted her to have a break because the caller was Cecily, the only person in this whole world who knew how to handle her in such situations. Although she had no idea what precisely was wrong with Evelyn.

"Hello," Evelyn said, and from the other end Cecily's voice could be heard.

"Hey, good morning. First day of senior year, huh?" Cecily asked.

"Well, I'm not feeling so good," Evelyn could truly tell her what was going on. She was really grateful that she had Cecily.

"Ok, Evelyn, not again. We are gonna solve this, alright?" She replied, jumping in to minimize Eve's catastrophic thoughts.

"Yes, hopefully," Evelyn's voice cracked.

"Listen to me. You are gonna do just fine. Only one year left, then you will be here with me. You are gonna rock this year, you are gonna kick the asses of all the demons inside you and come out fresh and happy. You will be absolutely fine. Now, breathe."

After the goddamn lecture from Cecily, Evelyn really breathed.

"Breathe in and breathe out with me. Then name three things you can see right in front of you," Cecily demanded. "I heard that helps to get out of your head."

"I can see a bookshelf, a bed, and a closet," Evelyn muttered slowly. This technique didn't always work. Evelyn hoped it did today.

"Now you're gonna have breakfast, get out of your house, go to school and make some friends, you get me?" Cecily ordered.

Chewing the inside of her cheeks, Evelyn said, "Hmm."

"No hmms, you are reporting back to me in the evening. I need at least five names or I'm gonna post some embarrassing photos of you out there. I have an album in my gallery just in case."

"Oh, God, no you wouldn't," Eve cried out, "That's horrible."

"What's horrible is you not trying at all. So, Eve, take a deep breath and try."

"Okay," Eve did as she said, "I will try."

"Great, I'll catch you in the evening," Cecily replied and hung up.

Evelyn made it to school without any hitch. She went to the office, got her schedule and locker number. The buzzing sound of the surrounding students, people milling all around got to Evelyn, and made her heart beat faster.

She was wearing a plain blue T-shirt and jeans and a pair of vans. She could well imagine how old Evelyn would dress up for today, a cute summer dress, a full face of natural makeup, manicured nails and a worn out full–face smile.

But that Evelyn was long gone. Now if anyone looked at her, they would see a girl who had no idea what was going on around her, in a pair of simple jeans and tee, her hair in a lazy ponytail and with no expression on her face. And probably with dark circles under her hazel eyes.

So far from the Evelyn Reyes she was once. After Quinton happened, a lot of things had changed.

Evelyn busied herself arranging her backpack when she felt a pair of eyes on her. Goosebumps broke out on her skin. A sinking feeling dipped in the pit of her stomach as she realized she was being watched. She gathered her courage, tilted her head to the side to peek, where her gaze landed on a throat with a striking Adam's apple.

She lifted her head, coming face to face with a pair of blue eyes, so blue and mesmerizing like a deep ocean. One look and Evelyn's whole existence was drowning in it. Too bad, she didn't know how to swim.

Evelyn had always had a thing for eyes. They said eyes were the windows to the soul, and that was something Evelyn really believed in.

Once she had ignored her instinct, thinking she could tame the storm brewing in a pair of gray eyes she was in love with, but failed miserably.

But these blue eyes were something else, her reflection crystal clear in them. As if on cue, said eyes changed from ocean blue to icy blue in a matter of seconds.

It took a moment, a flicker of a movement, her gaze caught before she realized those eyes actually belonged to a head, and that head belonged to a person, more specifically a guy who was now staring at Evelyn.

Evelyn blinked and gulped, her stomach tightening while the blue-eyed guy's face lips morphed into a scowl. She became self-conscious, turned back to her locker, rearranging the already arranged space.

Evelyn was used to stares, but not this intense. It made her wonder if she really looked that bad.

From her peripheral vision Evelyn saw the guy, her locker mate, who had chocolate brown hair which was falling on his forehead that looked soft in a messy kinda way, a white tee bunching up in all his muscles, black pants and a pair of Jordan on his feet, his tall frame touching almost six feet.

The guy caught Evelyn's eye, checking him out. He let out a huff and quickly stormed off. Evelyn let out a breath. She wondered if this was how it would be every day, standing beside such an intimidating person. That was not a good sign for her anxiety.

Evelyn made it to her Math class in time, where Mr. Pitt introduced her to the student body. A few curious heads poked out here and there, but nobody paid much attention to her, which she was grateful for. She took a seat in the middle row and looked around to get a feel of the room, where she caught familiar blue ones.

That guy again. The second Evelyn caught him staring, he moved his head and looked straight at the board which had nothing written on it.

Who the heck is he, and why does he keep staring? Evelyn's stomach squirmed.

He probably wants to murder you, the voice in her head said.

Evelyn scoffed at the ridiculous idea inside her head.

Just fuck off already, Evelyn said to her anxiety.

One thing she really wanted to find out was why the guy who clearly was annoyed by her presence was staring at her. Also, she had more important things to accomplish like knowing five names, and if possible, making a friend.

• • •
A/N: hi, it's me in 2024. This book was written back in 2019, and I was a kid, so yeah it's super cringe. I am rewriting things and making it better. So you might find discrepancies between the chapters and some things might not make sense. I suggest you to check the dates of publication of the chapter for figuring out what I had rewritten so far. I am not unpublishing the old chapters because I need the comments to find out where things went wrong and were not working.

Thanks for understanding!