Prom was a few weeks away and I wasn't at all ready for it. I wasn't sure I ever would be. I told Louise I wanted to go and she insisted on taking me out shopping and wouldn't stop bugging me about whether I had someone to go with. That's how I ended up standing in some posh shop I had never been in before, staring at suits of ridiculous prices. Most suits looked pretty much the same so why were the ones here so expensive?

I headed into a changing room and pulled my hoodie over my head. I wasn't going to let Louise spend so much money on one stupid night so I didn't see the point in trying so much on. She was insisting and I just let her because we barely ever spent time together. With the first suit on, I was hardly recognisable in the mirror. I secured the tie and did a mini twirl for myself. It was a navy blue colour and looked better on than off. It made my skin look much paler but it did suit me. I glanced at the label hanging out of the sleeve and frowned. I didn't want Louise to spend so much on me.

I opened up the door of the changing room and did a spin for Louise. She squealed, leaning forward and feeling the soft, smooth material. "You look so handsome and grown up." She sounded like I was going to get married or something. Not just going to some shitty, cheap school dance.

"Lou..." I whined, stepping back into the little room to change into the next one.

We did end up with a keeper. It was black which sounds boring but it came with a baby blue bow tie that I fell in love with as soon as my eyes laid on it. I held the bag against my chest as we walked out of the shop, a tingly feeling in my stomach. If you told past-me that I'd be excited for one of the school dances, I would have said that you were taking drugs. No one looked forward to school dances except the Year 7s who had never been to one before and had high hopes that would be crushed as soon as they entered the hall.

"Are you sure you aren't going with anyone?" Louise kept asking the entire walk back to the car. Then the entire walk home. Then the entire walk into the kitchen.

"No!" I said for what I hoped to be the last time. I dragged out the 'o', just to emphasise my point and how fed up of the question I was.

"You know I'm never going to stop asking until you tell the truth. You've never looked forward to one of the school dances before and you were adamant that you hated them and thought they were a waste of time. There must be someone who has convinced you to go. Now... who's that special girl then?" I was about to deny it for what felt like the millionth time before she continued with a tiny, "...or boy?"

I almost dropped the bag with the suit in. Okay, maybe I did drop it. Louise rushed forward to pick it up 'before it creased too much'. "I'm not gay." I mumbled. Louise just sighed, placing a soft hand on my shoulder. I glanced at it with wide, worried eyes.

"You know I don't care, right? I've had my suspicions for a while. Ever since you brought that Lance kid home for the first time."

"Really?" My voice was tiny. I had never sounded so weak and afraid. It didn't suit me.

"Yeah. The way you look at him is the most disgusting thing ever."

"Oh gosh, kill me," I face-palmed, burying my head into the table and groaning loudly. "Am I that obvious?"

"Yes. I think the only person who hasn't noticed is Lance. He must be pretty blind," In my head, I was screaming at the ground and trying to convince it to swallow me up. I can't believe that Louise had known the whole time about me being gay and had just let me continuously worry about coming out. "So I'm right?"

"Of course you are... but nobody knows that I'm gay... or that I like Lance."

"Lance doesn't know you're gay?" I shook my head and her eyebrows raised in what appeared to be surprise. "I certainly didn't expect that. I'm not going to lie, I thought you might've been dating or you were going to ask him to the dance or something."

"Nope... I wish."

"Aw, why don't you ask him?"

"It's complicated." She sat down in the chair beside me and wrapped an arm around my tense shoulders.

"How is it?"

"It just is. I don't want to talk about it." I grabbed the bag and headed upstairs as quickly as I could before Louise could ask any more questions. I couldn't deal with an interrogation about a fake boyfriend who I just so happened to had a thing for. As I collapsed onto my bed and dropped my bag on the floor, I buried my head into my pillow. Everything was such a mess but I was in too deep to give up now. I couldn't let feelings get in the way of me helping my best friend.

-

Me: You should totally wear baby blue to the dance

Lance: Why?

Me: WE NEED TO MATCH

Lance: You've already got a suit?

Me: Yeah. Lou forced me out after I told her I was going. It was a very fun and not at all painful experience

Lance: I'm sure it was

Lance: Pics?

Me: No

Me: Don't you know it's unlucky to see your date's suit before the dance?

Lance: You cheesy little shit

Lance: You do know we aren't actually dating right

Me: Yeah, of course

I placed my phone down on my bedside table and laid my head down against my pillow. It was 11:23pm, or at least it was when I last checked my phone. It was probably 11:24pm by now. I wasn't very tired at all. I was staring up at my ceiling with nothing but Lance on my mind. I knew I had liked him for a long time but it was finally becoming too much. I could still remember the way his hand fit in mine, like they were two puzzle pieces that were meant to fit together (excuse the disgusting, over the top cheesiness). I could remember his beautiful blue eyes, the way his hips swayed as we danced together and the warmth of his hug. I was in so deep that I couldn't get out. It was like I had fallen down a hole and I couldn't scramble out because it was metres and metres deep.

I rolled over and buried my head into my pillow. I could feel the air in my lungs thinning but I didn't make any effort to move, my mind racing with too much information to remember how to breathe. I was strongly debating cancelling our date to the dance completely (just for my sanity) but I didn't have an excuse and I wanted to be there for my friend. I rolled over again once I felt like I was on the verge of suffocating. I gulped air back into my lungs, feeling slightly lightheaded for a moment.

I didn't notice I was crying until I saw something wet drip onto my bed. I wiped a few tears away but it was pointless because many more soon followed until I was full on sobbing. Lance's smile was etched into my brain and it wouldn't go away, no matter how much I tried to replace it with other things. I tried thinking about lions because they were my favourite animals but then I remembered they were Lance's favourite animals too. I tried to think about the work I did in Chemistry but then I thought about maths and then Lance because he was in my maths. I tried thinking about space (because it's really cool and I wanted to be an astronaut one day) but then I thought about the doodles of rocket ships and stars that Lance drew on his worksheets all the time.

I really needed to sort myself out. My phone buzzed on my table but I didn't dare look at it because I knew it was Lance. I couldn't face him at that point so I just rolled over for a third time, facing the wall that time. I fell asleep about an hour later with tears still streamed down my face.