MAY, 1990, SEATTLE, WA

THE END

                    KURT HAD COME home physically, but mentally, Lindy believed he was no longer the same person that she had met in Krist's garage three years prior. There were still hints of him there, flashes of the man that she had continued to love with each passing year, but overall, it seemed that he had grown so depressed by the state of their relationship that he had changed himself in order to cope with it.

They were both sitting on the couch, but not as close as they normally sat to one another. There was a gap between them, a gap of cold dead air that could not be filled by touch.

Lindy was in plain agony. She felt their mutual attempts to keep the spark of their relationship alive, but even she knew that Kurt had already thought of the worst. He was caught up on the fact that he never saw her and never would she fit neatly into his rockstar lifestyle.

She had never felt so meager and useless in all her time of being alive. Even in her childhood, when Lee had berated her constantly and looked down at her with an expression that made it obvious he was constantly wishing she had been his second boy, nothing had hurt as badly as what she went through now.

She thought of her mother. She tried very hard to guess what advice Hannah would offer on the situation, but came up with nothing. This only pained her more as she realized that she had not gotten to know her mother as well as she wished. Trae had been somewhat helpful, offering a listening ear, but he otherwise only managed to give her weak reassurance that everything would work out.

Even Krist and Shelli had not been satisfactory enough for Lindy. What could they possibly understand of a failing relationship? They were still freshly married and deeply in love.

And above all, Kurt was a conundrum. No one could ever discern just how much it troubled him to feel his joint world with his girlfriend being put at odds. For so long, he had felt united as one with Lindy, but he was finally beginning to see that they were different, their ambitions far too stark of contrast to mesh well together.

The buzz of cartoons on the television was the only sound penetrating the room. Kurt had Freddie in his lap as usual, absent-mindedly stroking his fur with his eyes trained on the television screen. But Lindy could tell he wasn't watching Garfield and Friends, not in the least bit.

"Are you going to talk to me?" Lindy belatedly asked. Her voice had developed a faint scratchy rasp to it from the exhaustive amount of crying that she had done in secret.

"We've talked, Lindy," Kurt mumbled back, not making eye contact.

"Yeah? Then how come you haven't mentioned that you fired Chad from the band the other day?"

Kurt twitched in his seat, but remained vigil in not meeting Lindy's eyes.

She had heard from Krist that Chad had been unceremoniously kicked out of the band, a decision made by Kurt although he had contended that Krist do the actual explaining part to Chad of why he was no longer wanted by his bandmates. Apparently it had not gone badly, but it'd still been awkward. Chad had been an integral part of Nirvana, a caring friend in their toughest moments, but Kurt had taken it upon himself to conclude that Chad was not a good fit anymore. According to Krist, Kurt had even gone as far to launch a pitcher of water at Chad's face during their last show.

"You've been talking to Krist, huh?" Kurt retorted callously.

"Yes. I wanted to know what the hell has been going on. You're not telling me, are you?" 

"Do you think Shelli would really appreciate you talking to her husband on the phone all the time?"

Wounded by this comment, Lindy withdrew even further from Kurt on the couch, her face wrinkling.

"You know it's not anything like that, Kurt. How could you even say that? Krist is like my brother."

"Because you don't see much of your real brother anymore, do you?" Kurt whispered. Lindy knew he said this not to maim her, but to introduce the subject of what was really bothering him.

"I know I've been busy," Lindy said slowly. "I know you feel . . . neglected. But once I get through with school and I have a job, things will be much better, way easier --"

"Come on, Lindy, you know that's not true!" Kurt said angrily, lurching to his feet and causing Freddie to meow loudly in protest.

"We both know that once you're graduated, you're just going to be working all the damn time. And what about me? I've got to focus on my music Lindy, it's all I've got to live for."

"I thought you had me to live for too," Lindy said in a small voice.

"How can I live for someone who I never see?"

It was truly unlike Kurt to say this; despite having bouts of random mood swings, he had never been good with confrontation, and he was sensitive to other people's feelings. But the crushing weight of his own pain had diminished his filter. He loved Lindy, but he couldn't stand not seeing her anymore.

"Kurt, maybe if we didn't spend every minute we do have together fighting, we'd be happier. Have you thought about that?"

"Of course I have," Kurt said dejectedly. "But then I remember that I'll have to leave you again anyways. And I sit in that stupid van thinking of you, thinking of you meeting someone who can take care of you and give you a family and come home to you every night."

"There's no one else but you who can do that for me," Lindy argued, standing up beside him.

"I can't!" Kurt exploded. "I can't, Lindy! Not when I'm a thousand fucking miles away from you and you're trapped in a hospital doing blood transfusions or whatever the fuck it is you do!"

Lindy held her hands out, attempting to wave down his overwhelming indignation that he had cooped up inside himself for too long.

"It doesn't matter that we're in different places in our lives," she said calmly. "All that's ever mattered is that we love each other."

"What matters to me is whether or not I get to hold you every night. What matters to me is knowing if I'll ever be able to have babies with you and actually get to see them."

Kurt began to pace, a classic telltale sign that his mind was beginning to overflow with the burden of his own worries, devouring him from the inside out.

"I wish you didn't have to do this nursing thing, Lindy, I really wish you didn't. I want you to just come be with me on tour. I'll be able to take care of us both one day, trust me. We could do it."

"Asking me to give up my dreams of being a nurse is like me asking you to quit Nirvana," Lindy replied sadly.

"I know," Kurt muttered. "I know and I'd never want you to take me seriously when I say that. It's just a dream . . . a stupid dream."

He looked up, his blue eyes locking with her brown ones. "You know I'm still proud of you, right? I'm so fucking proud." His voice cracked on the final word.

"And I'm proud of you too," Lindy whispered.

"I'm just not proud to fight with you every time I see you. I don't like what we've turned into."

Lindy cleared her throat, taking a deep breath and averting her stare across the room. There were so many pieces of evidence of their love throughout the years. Photographs, some of Kurt's artwork, even artifacts like her 'K' bracelet. which sat on the kitchen counter. Their little hovel had become a museum of their affection, a collection of memories that had made them fall deeper in love with each other. Lindy almost lost her composure when she saw Trae's guitar that she had gifted Kurt in the corner of the living room.

And then Lindy realized something, something that had taken her far too long to come to terms with.

She had to let him go.

She had to stop clinging to him, continuously rooting him to the world of normalcy where people came from Aberdeen and young girls without mothers became nurses. As long as she held fast to him, he would never stop being unhappy.

Sensitive little Kurt. Always worrying if the person next to him was doing alright.

Lindy began to see that all along, she had been average. Yet she had been happily average, content to live a normal life where she made a yearly salary, went to work, and paid her bills on time, as long a she was doing what she loved. But that life could never be applied to Kurt. He would never be the man who worked a nine to five job, wore business suits or carried a briefcase. And as badly as she wanted him in her life, she didn't want that for him. She wanted him to fulfill his dreams.

But she couldn't be in them. She would never be.

Lindy began crying, her shoulders shaking as sobs rocked her body. Kurt's face twisted with the trauma of knowing what he'd inflicted on his girlfriend.

"Lindy, I'm sorry, please don't cry. I'm sorry," he begged, trying to take her in his arms as he had done a million times before.

This time, she did not let him.

"No," Lindy said loudly. "Don't apologize. You can't anymore."

Kurt looked stunned to see Lindy avoid him as she just had. His arms were still open, though they lacked her presence,. It was a new, unfamiliar feeling.

"Can't what?" he asked. He did not want to know the answer.

"You can't worry about me anymore. You've got to worry about Nirvana. You've got to worry about yourself."

Kurt quietly watched Lindy, waiting for her to break face and run to him. But she didn't. She kept her distance, wrapping her arms around her body as if trying to hold the pieces of herself together.

"I'm going to let you go Kurt," Lindy whispered brokenly. "I'm . . . I'm letting you go."

"Lindy, don't do this --" Kurt objected, starting towards her. She stumbled backwards and he stopped right away, unable to believe her rejection.

"Please Kurt, please," Lindy cried, screwing her eyes shut. "We both aren't stupid people. We knew from the get go that this would never work. You leading a band, me being a nurse. I won't hold you down anymore. I won't be of concern to you anymore. I just want you to be happy."

Kurt, who had dealt with denial from his loved ones his whole life, did not know how to interpret what Lindy was saying. On one hand, he understood that she was trying to protect him, but on the other, he felt like she was abandoning him like everyone else in his life had. He had no idea what the appropriate choice was anymore.

"You're right," he finally mumbled. There was no certainty when he said this; if anything, he only said it to hide the shame cascading down on him.

Lindy remained fixed in her own space, crying softly and keeping her eyes closed. She didn't want to see the look on his face. She didn't want to have to stare into those blue eyes and know she'd never do it again.

Kurt, well aware of what he had to do, ambled into their bedroom, gathering his things as he had once done months ago when he thought he was leaving her. This time, it felt like it was for good.

Lindy didn't watch. All she saw was the blackness of her closed eyelids. She heard him moving around, picking up miscellaneous things and putting them into a newly obtained duffle bag he'd gotten for touring.

She felt like she was dying, being slowly choked to death by hands that were savagely taking all that she loved away from her. But she knew she had to do it. On the inside, she knew.

She didn't open her eyes again until she felt Kurt's hands on her wrist, fastening something around it. When she looked down, she saw that it was her K bracelet. The very one that had been sitting in the kitchen. One of the first gifts that he'd ever gotten her.

"Don't stop wearing this just because we're not together," Kurt said, his voice congested with his own rising tears.

"I won't," Lindy said, another flood of sobs blocking her throat.

"I love you, Lindy. I won't ever stop loving you," Kurt murmured. For the very last time, he placed his fingers lightly beneath her chin, guiding her mouth to his to kiss her. It was the sweetest taste on his tongue, the flavor of her kiss. He found himself feeling like he would miss it for the rest of his life.

"I love you too Kurt," Lindy cried.

He hitched his duffle bag higher on his shoulder, tearing himself away from her and walking towards the door. He found himself feeling oddly sullen over the small, irrelevant reminder that never again would he sit on the couch with Freddie in his lap.

Such a silly thing to think about when he was losing the love of his life.

But it was still just another reason to dread stepping out of the apartment and into the outside world, a world that had been so cruel to him before Lindy.

There was the slightest few seconds in which he hesitated, his hand still hovering over the door knob; he was waiting to see if she'd change her mind. Or maybe he would drop his things, tell her to fuck all of their worries and heartbreak if it meant that they would be together in the end. But it had been her choice and her choice alone. 

All he heard was her crying still, trying to muffle the guttural sounds with her hand. He closed his eyes. It was over. It was really over.

And then Kurt Cobain walked out of the apartment and walked out of Lindy's life.