AUGUST, 1993, SEATTLE, WA

        OF ALL THE shocking things that had happened to Lindy over the course of the last several years, she could have narrowed down the most shocking moment of all to be the precise hour that Kimberly Cobain showed up knocking at her front door.

"Holy shit," were the first words out of Lindy's mouth when she answered to the knock, taking in the sight of a tiredly smiling Kim standing on her door mat.

"Hi Lindy," Kim said naturally. "Do you remember me?"

"Of-of course!" Lindy stammered, unable to believe that Kim was asking her this question. Although radically different in many ways, she could see the traces of similarities in Kurt and Kim's faces and would have never had a problem identifying them as siblings. Next to that, she had never forgotten the pictures that Kurt had showed her of Kim and the few spare times that they had spent together in person. 

"Come in," Lindy beckoned, stepping aside so that Kim could enter.

I'm in the twilight zone, Lindy thought as Kim stood in the middle of the living room, her arms crossed and her eyes wandering.

How many damn times was a Cobain going to randomly arrive unannounced at her apartment?

"I would have called, but I forgot to ask Krist for your number," Kim explained apologetically, as if reading Lindy's mind. The smile on her face was pleasant and friendly.

"Oh, don't worry about. I'm used to Krist just giving out my address at this point," Lindy said dismissively, though her inner voice was insisting that a phone call may have been appreciated. She was still in her work scrubs and her hair was hanging in a loose ponytail, tendrils cascading around her face. And there was the small, little reminder prodding at her that she hadn't seen Kim in years.

"Well, I guess I don't have to ask if my brother's been here," Kim laughed. She waved her hand towards the couch, where one of Kurt's easily recognizable flannels lay rumpled across the cushions. Lindy had been wearing it the night before in place of a sleep shirt.

She blushed crimson. "About that . . . I know it's all crazy . . ."

"It's more than crazy," Kim reiterated. "It's absolutely fucking insane."

"Right," Lindy said, ducking her head so that Kim could not see how embarrassed she was.

"I don't mean you and my brother's relationship. I mean the fact that he's going to die from all the heroin he's doing."

Lindy's head snapped up as soon as Kim uttered the word 'heroin.'

"I've been trying so hard to get him to stop," Lindy admitted in a strained whisper. Kim walked forward, reassuringly touching her hand to Lindy's arm.

"I know you have. Krist told me all about it. My mom and I have been wearing ourselves thin trying to come up with ideas on how to stop this madness. She suggested we reach out to you and get you to talk to him. Mom seemed to think that bringing you back into his life would snap him out of it."

"Wrong," Lindy muttered. Kim laughed, but she sounded sad.

"You can imagine our surprise when we called Krist and he confessed to us that Kurt had been secretly seeing you for months now. We didn't believe it for a second there, but after awhile, we did."

"It's because he's so damn reckless," Lindy reasoned uneasily, feeling guilty that Kurt's family members had now been dragged into the disarray.

"Oh, it's got to do a little with that. But I was thinking more along the lines of how he's always been in love with you. Next to Bean, you're the only person that I've ever seen him love so much."

Lindy blushed again, this time feeling the heat on her face creep all the way up to her hairline. Hearing Kim address her and Kurt's relationship in such a way was flattering, but it also put into perspective the severity of what they were doing. 

"I bet you came here to ask me why the hell I haven't been of any help to him," Lindy guessed, wringing her hands together.

"Not really. I've accepted, and I think you have to, that we could grant any wish Kurt has and he'd still be hooked. It's at that point in the addiction where there's no turning back. He can't find a solid reason as to why he shouldn't shoot up anymore."

Lindy raised her hand to heart, feeling it's solid beat against her chest; for a moment there, she had been sure that it had shattered against the walls of her ribcage.

"I think I'm making it worse," she expressed, her voice thick with resentment. "If we were able to be together without having to hide all the time, maybe it would be different. But all he knows is that as long as he wants me around, he's got to lie to everyone and I know it's hard on him."

Kim, sensing Lindy's distress, pulled her into a loving hug. Funnily enough, Kim smelled and felt similar to Kurt, two things which made Lindy feel safe in her arms. If she closed her eyes hard enough, it was like Kurt was the one holding her.

"I don't think there's anything that any of us can say or do in order to make this better," Kim said. "It's gone too far now."

Lindy wished from within the deepest pits of her heart that Kim was wrong, but standing in the living room in her locked embrace, Lindy knew that there was no denying Kurt's sister was right. Nothing Lindy did at this point could save Kurt. She could only keep him alive a little longer by remaining in his life and loving him as steadfastly as she could. He would have to save himself in the end.

"I'll make us some coffee," Lindy suggested, figuring that a hot beverage would make for a meek attempt to lighten somber mood. Kim sat on the couch while Lindy nervously readied the coffee, wondering what Kurt would say if he knew his sister was visiting her.

"You know, I told our mom I was coming," Kim said as Lindy handed her a steaming mug, taking a seat next to her. "She told me not to. She said I'd be putting more pressure on the situation than necessary."

"You aren't," Lindy said convincingly. "I'm happy that you're here. It's a nice change, being able to talk about this stuff with someone who understands Kurt."

"That's how I feel too. My mom never really got Kurt, not even once they fixed all their problems. And Courtney doesn't truly get him either, I think. Even if she did, I don't think she has the time or desire to sit down and talk about it all with me."

Lindy wanted to assure Kim that she did want to talk to her and that she was overly willing to be a source of comfort, but she didn't want to get ahead of herself. She still wasn't family. Not like how Courtney was, by marriage.

"You know," Kim laughed, "I remember the moment that I knew Kurt was in love with you."

Lindy blushed again. "You do?"

"Well, either that or that you were at least different than anyone else he'd ever had in his life. He had stopped by the house one day for dinner. He was still living with Dad and Jenny at that point. I think he'd just moved back in with them. But he came by our place anyways. It was the same old drama -- Mom reprimanding him in her weird attempts to sympathize with him, Pat yelling and putting him down. Just those constant little things that he hated about our family. But the whole time, he sat there with a smile on his face, clear as day. Nothing anyone said fazed him. He was just out of his mind with happiness."

Lindy couldn't help but to smile, envisioning the younger Kurt that she once knew basking in happiness in the midst of turmoil. His smile was unchanging but when she pictured it then, reversing her mind to a previous time, she thought that she might have remembered that smile as being a little brighter and a little more innocent.

"Anyway, I thought he was on drugs," Kim admitted. "I pulled him aside after dinner and asked him, 'what in the world is there to smile about right now?' And he just gave me that same dreamy look and said your name. And that's when I found out about you. He told me you were the girl that he was going to marry."

Lindy cleared her throat, the obvious irony of what Kim had said too blatantly obvious for her own comfort.

"I guess that's one thing Kurt was wrong about, huh?"

"Not really," Kim said softly. "It's still true to this day that he's so happy when he has you. It's like watching someone dim the lights, except the lights are his sadness. He just tunes everything else out and is happy."

"I'm still going to do everything I can to help him, Kim," Lindy promised solemnly. "I'm never going to give up on Kurt."

"That's why I knew I could come to you."

Kim leaned in to give Lindy another hug, this one tighter and more meaningful than the last. Lindy could hear Kim's throat lock as she began to cry and then Lindy was crying too, clutching Kim close and hearing the words of her pact to do her utmost best for Kurt ringing in her ears.

As they sat there, crying and holding on to one another, their differences melted away as they were no longer marked by their separate roles in Kurt's life. They were together as one, two women whose hearts were both simultaneously full and drained by Kurt, their lives forever changed by the beautiful and vastly different ways in which he'd came into them.

When Kim got ready to leave, wiping at her tear-stained cheeks with the hell of her hand, she'd given Lindy a watery smile.

"Lindy? Can you not tell my brother about me stopping by? I . . . I think he would be mad at me. Say I was meddling. Can we keep this between us?"

"Of course," Lindy said, her voice rasped from her crying. "Of course I will." 

                                                                                   _________



"She's just as worried as I am. Maybe even more worried, actually. I feel so bad for her and the rest of his family."

"Well, I can imagine that it's not easy for them to watch him waste away like that."

Lindy was on the phone with Trae, Kim having left her apartment a few hours beforehand. She had walked Kim back down to her car, waving sadly as she'd driven away. She had wondered if and when she would see Kim again. 

Finally alone, she'd called Trae to fill him in on what had happened. When he'd answered, he'd been in the middle of rocking Hannah to sleep. Lindy could hear her baby coos on the other end of the line. It made her smile in spite of herself.

"It's not easy for me either, you know."

"Yeah, but Lindy, you've got a choice in the matter."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean that they're his family. They have to all of this play out no matter how they feel. But you're different. You could walk away at any time."

Lindy frowned, irritated that Trae would even suggest this. "You think I'd just abandon him like that?"

"If it gets to be too much for your mental state, then yeah, I suppose you could. I know you're not a selfish person Lindy, but sometimes you've got to take care of yourself. You can't always be the superhero. You can't save him every time that he messes up. You didn't sign up for this."

She knew that Trae was only trying to look out for her as any rational big brother would do, but Lindy still had taken offense to what he had said. It was as if he had forgotten about the nature of she and Kurt's relationship.

"I did sign up for this, Trae," she said. "I signed up the day that I walked into that stupid garage at Krist's house and saw him sitting there in his stupid flannel giving me one of those stupidly sweet looks of his."

She paused, swallowing a lump in her throat as she recalled the memory. It had been so easy then, easier than it would ever get, and she had not even known it.

Inhaling, she pressed on. "From that moment on, I loved him more than anything and I still do. And when you love someone, you take care of them. You keep them alive as best as you can because if they're gone, a piece of you is gone too, a piece you can't live without. I know I could leave him tomorrow. But I don't want to. Because no matter what, I'll spend the rest of my life remembering that moment in the garage when I knew he was it for me."